Life has been ok lately.
I started the new school term early April. I’m maybe three weeks into the term. It hasn’t been terribly bad but I’m also slacking in, you guessed it, anatomy. It’s so hard to remember so much. But I have to get a good grade because my gpa sucks 😦
A girl that I had started becoming good friends with loved to Alaska. I’m really sad about it. We text every day but I wish we could actually hang out in person. She was a good influence in the sense that she was also bipolar so it felt good to have someone that also went through the same things I do.
I’ve been seeing someone seriously since January. We had been talking since September but since I was so infatuated with that other asshole, I wasn’t really paying attention to this one. He is really nice.
We aren’t casual. But we aren’t in a relationship. I hate being in a relationship without a relationship title.
Backstory: his job is in demand and recruiters from all states are often calling him and offering him bonus’ as an incentive to move. He got an offer in chicago that he said he would be considering in June.
Last night, he was drunk and suddenly said, “I think I would feel bad if I asked you to be my girlfriend and then two months later, had to move for my job.” Naturally, I am hurt. Deep down, i already knew that this was the case. But I was hoping so much that it wasn’t. I am so naive so much of the time, it’s ridiculous. Rationally, i know I should appreciate his honesty and I know I should be pragmatic. But I get so emotional so fast. When I fall for someone, i fall hard. I put a lot of myself to show how I feel about them.
So I’m feeling stupid because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of showing small acts of “”love”” and it feels like it’s for no reason. It now feels like I’m just being lead on or more, being strung along. I don’t think that it’s fair for me to be involved romantically with someone exclusively only to be waiting for the expiration date.
My friend asked me, “does he make you happy? Do you have a good time with him? Maybe you should just ride it out.” And I certainly do. I love spending time with him and I love being around him. But I don’t know that I can just ride it out. I feel too move I think for that to be healthy for me. I am too sensitive.
It is also a little confusing for my heart. The other day, he said that he could get a spare key for his apartment, so I could come and go as I please. That’s obviously not casual relationship behavior. So everything is feeling so intense without there being a reason for me to take it so intensely.
It is something I have to think about because I don’t want him to leave while I’m still involved, and have myself fall into a deep depression because of it. Wouldn’t it be better to just let go now? Wouldn’t it be easier in the long run? When I fall into situations like this, letting go for me means ghosting. It means telling them, “this isn’t working out, k thnx bye,” blocking them, and just pushing them out of my life. I hate to do that because I feel so much for him.
I don’t really know what to do.