I don’t know if this blog works anymore and I’m pretty upset.

i’ve had this blog for three years now and it has chronicled some of the worst and best parts of my life. I like keeping it so that I can go back and see how far I’ve come or to see how I’ve regressed.

It’s gone through my most meaningful relationship, and the ending of it. It has gone through the grief of losing my girlfriend to addiction. It has gone through the tumultuous feelings of rejection and repair when I was too depressed to keep going to my classes and knowing that I wouldn’t graduate on time. It has gone through me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the ups and downs with that.

I’ve “met” a lot of great people through here and I’m sad that this post probably doesn’t even show up for them.

 

UGH

nothing is showing up on my feed from this blog and like I don’t even know if these posts show up for other people.

if someone could just comment and say yes this is showing up lol…

im stressin’!

My Brother

My brother is so cool and confident. I wish I was more like him. I think that he resembles my mom personality more, while I have more of my dad’s personality. But my dad’s personality is stereotypical Mexican dad personality. Mexican culture upholds machismo and as a result, Mexican men tend to be very closed off. And that’s what my dad is like. I don’t know why I’m more like him personality-wise, as I was born here and have never been super close with my dad. But I am.

My brother is in choir, tennis, swimming, and debate club. He has straight A’s. He goes after what he wants and I am so envious. I was never like that, and I was always so shy and embarrassed to do anything. He’s 15. We moved to a different part of the city last year and while he was super sad to have left all his friends behind, he made friends at the new school soooo quickly. Within a week, he literally had people hugging him goodbye after school and like idk. I was like that at one point, and had a large portion of the school be my friend. But that was before I entered 7th grade, and then I just completely shut myself off. That was when my depression started and I started getting really irritated at everything. As a result, I wasn’t as friendly as I once was. I am envious of how popular he is.

I just wish that I had grown up to be more like him. I feel like he’s normal. Sure, he gets depressed sometimes. But it isn’t to the point where he lets it restrict any aspect of his life. By the time I was his age, I had already attempted to commit suicide three times. I just wish that life hadn’t turned out the way it did for me, and it feels a little unfair. Then again, mental illness is always a bit unfair.

I was always a bit of a hypochondriac when I was younger. I was always looking for some sort of disease or illness, thinking that I could have it, wanting to be sick. In part because I wanted attention, I guess. But I don’t want to be sick anymore. Not the way I am. I just want to be well.

Overwhelming

Life has been very overwhelming. It is harder and harder to keep going tbh. Honestly, the things that are bothering me aren’t even really BIG things. It’s more just feeling fucking hopeless and lonely. But sometimes that’s enough to push people over the edge, I guess. 

I haven’t been self harming in any manner, as I am seeing someone casually and don’t want them to see cuts on my body. They know I have bipolar. But it’s one thing to have it. It’s another to show it. I don’t want physical proof as to how fucked up I am.

I’ve been crying a lot. I have been isolating.

I have been missing Molly a lot these past few weeks. I always miss her. But the feelings of guilt and shame are coming back. Or were they ever gone? 

I guess I just miss how I could talk to her about anything and everything. I realize now just how much I took her for granted. You always realize those things when it’s too late. I don’t have anyone to talk to about the stupid shit that happens throughout my day. I have no one to talk to about the good things and bad things that happened. I have no one that is interested in hearing the insignificant little details of my life. 

Everything hurts.

Lately

The suicidal thoughts are back.

Honestly, I always have suicidal thoughts. There is no day that I don’t have them. But they are feeling very intense lately, and aren’t just “wow everything fucking sucks, I wish I was dead” fleeting thoughts. They’re more like, “you’re worthless and no one even likes you. You’re always going to be alone and there is no point in even moving forward.”

I feel very lonely and I have started to isolate again. I have started to push people away again. I hate myself and I don’t want people seeing me like this. But I also want validation and I want reassurance. 

I feel so fucked up lately lol I don’t know how to fix these feelings. I do everything I’m “supposed” to. I go to therapy regularly, I see my psychiatrist,  I don’t forget to take my meds, I exercise, I eat all right. Like..? I just want to be fixed. 

Update!!

I got a new job. I had gotten a job two months ago and it isn’t TOO bad (though I did cry in the bathroom today like a loser). 

For the new job, I didn’t seek it. I wasn’t looking for a new job. But rather, they sought me. Someone recommended me and they really wanted me I guess. They offered to pay me $4.25 more per hour than what I earn right now. Considering I’m in student loan hell, I obviously took it. Also, it is a more laid back job. I will be working an office job at a funeral home. 

I think that working at this type of place will be good for me. I have been struggling over the loss of my ex-girlfriend and it has not gotten easier. I cry all the time and now I’ve even started crying in public places, when I see things that remind me of her. 

I think that I will learn to be more sympathetic and empathetic, as I had numbed myself out to those feelings the past year. I will also *need* to learn skills on how to handle grief and loss. I will be able to apply these skills to my own personal life. I’m excited to get paid so much more but I’m also excited about the lessons that will come out of this. I saw my psychiatrist today and told him of this and said that he thought the way I am going about this is profound. And also would be good, as I will be making slideshows and it will show the deceased at their best. It was a nice way to look at it.

I finally feel like I will be taken seriously. I am always being undermined, despite me always being the most qualified at any of the jobs I’ve been at. 

Like I have been noticing with the job I’m at now, I have the most duties out of anyone else. Why? Because I’m so good at so many things. They have me do all the typing, because I am the one that types the fastest. I am bilingual, so I need to translate all the time, which I don’t mind. I recently became a notary, so I’m always pushed to do those since they’re not fun to do. I also have to do them in Spanish and it is more difficult, as Spanish is my second language. 

I do most of the cleaning. I multi task the most. Today, I was multi tasking so fucking much. My boss had he audacity to shove a huge, lengthy project on me. All the while, my other two workers took on easier “projects” AKA cutting paper. And still, I had to do my own project while ALSO attending to all the customers. Their excuse was that they were busy with their project. Like no fucking shit, I am too. So annoying. 

I went to the bathroom later in the day and just fucking broke down like a loser. I feel like I am being walked all over and being taken advantage of. I don’t want to say anything, as I only have a week left here. But it is certainly frustrating. Even so, I know that things would stay the same even if I hadn’t left. This would still be happening and I would still not feel comfortable speaking up.

I have trouble standing up for myself. 

I cried in the bathroom because I hate those feelings. They are feelings that I feel frequently. I feel like I let people walk all over me all the time. It makes me feel like shit. And so this situation reminds me very much of my own personal instances.

Am I being stupid? It should be flattering that I’m being put to do so many things because I’m good at them. But it isn’t fair and it’s stressing me out. 

Anyways. I’m so fucking excited that I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. I clearly didn’t say I found a way better job, but rather, I gave a dumb excuse so as to not burn bridges. So yeah! That’s what’s going on with me right now. I’m definitely very emotional

The Boy + The Past Couple Days

Things have been scary the past couple days. I had to delete my dating profile because I suddenly got several racist, threatening messages. Ever since the election. 
I had been talking to the boy I have been seeing about this and the fear I was experiencing. I told him that if Hillary had won, I felt that the people that were racist would revolt and would harm people on purpose. But I also feel like if trump won, that the racist people would harm people anyway because it seems ok and there seems to be no serious repercussions, given Trump’s history. 

And yes, I do think Trump is a misogynistic, homophobic, racist excuse for a human being. I don’t care if you disagree with me because you’re wrong lol.

I said that I was scared of the outcome regardless because there would be hateful mobs either way.
Anyways, he said that he disagreed and didn’t think this would happen. And I honestly felt like he was discrediting my experiences as a brown girl. I am mostly scared of facing threats because of the color of my skin. And I was not wrong to have fear because I’ve already gotten threats lol. But anyways. I got really upset and just said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, for my own sake. He said that he doesn’t mind arguing as long as it’s respectful.
Today, I linked him to a huge article giving so many instances in which hate crimes have been committed in the ONE day that trump has had his presidency announced. He took me literally I guess when I said “hate mob,” and kept arguing that there are no hate mobs. I think that’s fucking stupid and there is no reason to have taken my statement literally when you know damn well what I meant.

And BASICALLY he went off. He was like, “I don’t see anything about hate mobs and blahblah, you’re treating me as if I’m defending them and as if I voted for trump when I didn’t blahblah” and THEN he was like “spend more energy towards those that are actually doing bad things and stop bugging me. I’m going back to work.”

How is that arguing respectfully?
And I was like ??? Ok.. bitch. 

I was literally like “lol ok bye.”

He apologized and said he didn’t mean it that way. But he did. I know he did. I never responded.
I don’t feel that even if he apologized, that I will ever really be able to be friends with him again. Not REALLY. And maybe that seems like an exaggeration. But a big part of my bipolar is always thinking that people don’t like me. It is having so so much anxiety towards such social situations that I have literally been diagnosed with OCD in regards to social situations. 

To have someone literally tell me that I am annoying them… no. I really cannot handle that. I feel so hurt. I feel really, really hurt. I can’t talk to him anymore because I will ALWAYS keep what he said in the back of my mind. I will ALWAYS wonder, “I wonder if I’m bugging him right now?”
I’m so pissed and I’m so sad. Mostly, this is bringing on a lot of negative thinking. I feel really fucking stupid and now I keep thinking, “how many times had I bugged him in the past? Was this the breaking point?”

I am feeling really insecure and am really, really trying to not think harmful thoughts. 
I feel very unstable right now.

As a mentally ill, queer, brown woman

I am scared of what lies ahead.

They stopped talking to me when I told them I have a mental illness

Let me preface this by saying that I am mostly just rambling and making a sad blog post.

I had been seeing someone for 2+ months. We weren’t exclusive and really, it was more friends with benefits. I was a fling. Deep down, I knew that, but I wanted so badly to believe that I could be more.

Well! That’s not how things turned out to be lol. I had gotten close to this guy and had grown attached, clearly. I talked to them nearly every day and we talked about our lives. We got to know each other. They would tell me that they liked me. Blah blah blah. I liked the attention. I like being validated because often times, I can’t do it for myself. Don’t tell me that I need to learn how because it’s hard and it’s not like I’m not trying.

So anyways. I stayed the night with this guy one day and I THOUGHT that it went well. Or actually, maybe it did go well. Idk. I can’t even tell anymore. 

A couple days later, they were telling me of how they had extreme social issues growing up and how it has taken them a long time to try to get better. I got comfortable, I guess, and I trusted them and so I told them that I struggle with bipolar ii disorder. I began with telling them that I was nervous to tell them and how this wasn’t like how it’s portrayed in media. 

They said it was ok. And that they understood, as they also struggle/struggled with mental illness. So I thought we were all good. And then I noticed that they slowly started distancing themselves. And god damn, did that hurt. I know we were never a thing. Not officially. But I had really grown close to them. It really hurts knowing that my mental illness has yet again, pushed someone away. It hurts knowing that it maybe wasn’t even my fault. I don’t think I was being crazy or anything. I really just think that knowing this scared them away.

I’m really sad. My last relationship before this ended because I was doing really badly because of my mental illness. This partner would say that this “wasn’t an excuse.” The relationship I had with Molly grew volatile both because of her addiction and also because of how codependent I was. I was spiraling out of control. Before Molly, I dated someone that broke up with me because I would cancel our plans too often because I felt sick. I really did feel sick. It was often because of how fucking depressed I was. They said that it didn’t make sense that I was sick so often and that it was medically impossible.

I dunno, man. I feel so fucking hopeless and worthless. I read an article a while back that said that those with bipolar disorder often don’t get better but rather, their symptoms get worse and happen more frequently over time. Can you believe that? I’m already doing horribly and I’m destined to get worse. 

I feel terrible. I feel so, so bad knowing that this was because of my bipolar. And if only I hadn’t disclosed that. But I trusted them. Am I really to blame? I feel so fucking stupid though.

I have the tendency to cut ties with someone if I feel like I am going to get hurt. And that’s exactly what I did. It’s a bad habit. But I protect myself that way, to an extent. I wish so badly that they would try talking to me again like they did before. But they only send the occasional text and even then, I feel so upset that I don’t even reply. But I find myself checking their social media to see if they’re doing things. They are. As if I didn’t even matter. And I guess I didn’t. 

Uuugghhhhhh. UGH!! I’m so annoyed, angry, sad, frustrated, etc. I wish I was normal. Or more normal than I am. This sucks.