Monthly Archives: January 2017

Life Right Now…

Has been very hectic. I am constantly working overtime, and even coming right after class on my days off, when I have school, so that I can get more hours. I didn’t really get financial aid assistance and taking out more loans makes me super nervous. I have a loan that I had taken out in 2014 for when I went to university and it was a lot. I obviously didn’t continue going to that university and honestly, I feel super guilty about that loan all the time because my dad cosigned for it. At one point, I felt really depressed and suicidal over it. But, I couldnt actually harm myself since my dad cosigned and if I wasn’t alive, then he would have to taken on my burden and that would make me feel worse.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been working a lotttttt. I am part time but I am working hours that make me closer to full-time…without the benefits. I also took on too many credits for school. Last term I was taking 9, with just anatomy and chemistry and it was really hard. I took on 15 this term because two of those classes are sociology classes. I took them on because they seemed like easy courses and I really need my GPA to be higher. And they are easy. But it is extra work and it takes longer to finish than I had anticipated. So that’s going on as well.

I honestly haven’t had any time to be with friends, but I really try to squeeze someone in if I really want to see them. I went on a date the other day and it went good.. I think. It was someone that I had been talking to since literally September. But I had been seeing that dumb guy from before until last month and because I was so into him, I didn’t try to make time to meet anyone else. It went well, I think. He said he wants to hang out again. He was nice.

Speaking about the dumb guy.. I had been seeing him since early September and literally stopped talking to him the last day of 2016. At the time, I didn’t have the intention of never talking to him again. But then he wouldn’t text me first.. and because I feel like I often text people first all the time, I didn’t want to do it again. Needless to say, up to this day, I still have not received the first text I wanted. I definitely felt hurt in the beginning, and very angry. I still feel upset to be honest. I am more at peace with the fact that we aren’t seeing each other and I don’t wish him any harm and have no ill feelings. But I guess it just isn’t a good feeling just to be dropped like that, you know?
I guess I should consider it a blessing in disguise, since I was so stupidly infatuated and he wasn’t and would take advantage of it. I deleted him from my phone contacts. I have yet to delete him on social media but have only allowed myself until the end of the month to mourn the whole shebang. One more day until I force myself to amputate this dead relationship. It doesn’t feel very good because this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I think it’s a little funny because in late December, I had mentioned to him that I think it’s nice that we stayed friends and were constantly talking.. he had agreed.

I’m talking to two other people right now, besides the guy I went on a date with. I haven’t met either of them yet. I am supposed to be hanging out with one of them sometime soon. The other day, they told me that they “like” me, and they meant it in a way that is beyond platonic and beyond puppy love feelings I think. He is on the older side, and I get the impression that he is just lonely. It is obviously just infatuation. Saying that though, makes me feel a little bad. Because I clearly get infatuated so fucking easily. I guess we’ll see how things go.
I just started talking to the other guy and he seems cool and interesting. He is closer to my age. I don’t know enough about him to really say if I like him or now (jk, didn’t I just say I get infatuated really easily?)

 

I’ve been pretty stable for a while, too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had serious suicidal thinking in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. The last time I felt really bad and suicidal way probably the end of last school-term. So.. early December? I guess it just feels like I long time because I have a breakdown literally every single month. But I’ve been doing all right. Maybe I’m just keeping myself busy enough that I don’t even really have time for those kinds of thoughts. On that note, I am proud of myself for relatively keeping on top of all of my responsibilities. I have not fallen behind in homework or in my courses yet. I’m definitely struggling with chemistry and anatomy, as they are my hardest classes. I actually have an anatomy exam later today, which I don’t feel too great about. But I know that I haven’t invested enough time in that class and that it is just a matter of studying more. I’m not feeling amazing but I’m not feeling terrible. I’m also not just miserably pushing through each day. I’m just…ok.

 

So! That’s life right now. I’m drowning in homework and adore the attention I’m receiving. What’s new?

tumblr_ohvossnHB21tm1x8po1_1280.jpg

reflecting

tumblr_oecd7jneyu1tu1gjqo1_540

On my last text post, I talked about how it felt like I had been dumped even though I wasn’t even really dating the guy. It still feels that way. I have snapchat, and for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s just sharing moments in real-time and then you can see who has looked at the things you shared. They don’t have to “like” anything, but you can see who has viewed it. I can see that this boy has viewed everything that I have posted.

I am still feeling hurt. But I am also taking this into perspective. I don’t know what happened and why he stopped talking to me. But it’s not like I’ve tried talking to him either. I think he started seeing someone, however, I assume a lot of things. Nevertheless, here’s what I’ve been thinking.

I was feeling really fucking angry with him and I think that that’s valid because no one likes to be rejected, right?

I have a tumblr that I’ve had for six years and I’ve always used it as a part-time blog. But I haven’t been posting serious text posts like this so much because I feel like I annoy all the people that follow me. I have a good amount of followers, but all of them are pretty young. And I guess that I’m young too, but for these kinds of posts, I want to be taken seriously. And no one wants to scroll through their dashboard, hoping to find cool memes and funny pictures only to stumble upon a long-ass post like this about how depressed I am. Which is why I’ve used this more as an outlet.

Anyways, I posted about this boy on that tumblr. And someone replied that they were in the same situation, but that they don’t hate the guy for it because they are glad that they had met him.

It really got me thinking. I don’t think that I hate this boy either. I do feel really upset. But that’s mostly me being upset at my own insecurities and feeling upset at the mistakes that I made. But even if I were to be mad at him, I don’t think that I can feel too mad.

I’m 21. He’s 28. That’s a big age difference. I already knew from the start that it wouldn’t work out because we are also pretty different. And it’s not even the age difference, but I feel that he was pretty immature. I’m not just saying that because I’m upset, but I’ve always felt that way.
I also am thinking, he’s 28 and has never really been in a long-term relationship. Long-term meaning longer than 6-months. If he has found someone, then I should be happy for him, even if I feel hurt. Shouldn’t I feel happy for someone for finding someone they are compatible with? If he’s that old, and hast found someone to be happy with for a long while, then I should feel hopeful for him. I am 21 and I have already had several long-term relationships, even if some of them were when I was super young and was more “puppy love-esque.” I have already had a great love with someone, to the point where I really loved them and wanted to marry them.

On some level, I am also glad that he stopped talking to me. I am glad because on several occasions, which I think I’ve talked about on here, he was kind of an asshole to me. But I kept it up because it felt good to be wanted. I know that if he hadn’t ended it, I would still keep it going. I would still be torturing myself by being with someone who wasn’t into me in the way that I wanted, and that also wanted really that nice to me. But it wasn’t all that bad. I did have a good time with him when we would be together. I did like them even on a platonic level.

I do hope that he found someone. I hope that if he has found someone, that he stays with them for a while. I remember that he had once told me that he does want kids. I dunno. I guess it just feels to me that 28 is really old, in the sense of not ever having been in a long-term relationship while also having the longing of wanting kids. I guess it just makes me feel bad a little, and I don’t feel that I should be angry at someone if that is what they are seeking.

Maybe I’m thinking about this in a completely naive way. I’m pretty naive. But I also feel like if I don’t think about it this way, that I will get super depressed and that the anger will weigh me down. So I prefer to stay naive.

Getting dumped when you were never in a relationship

I feel like I’ve been dumped. I’m pretty sure that the guy I had been casually seeing since September has started seeing someone seriously. We haven’t talked in two weeks so I’m not *positive* but there’s no god damn way now that I’m going to text him.

I know that we were never exclusive. But I just literally feel soooo dispensable. It isn’t a good feeling. I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with this guy, as I’ve had these feelings before. But the times before were always my own insecurity. He wasn’t seeing anyone but rather, it was just me and my bipolar mind being like, “lol no one likes you.”

When I broke up with the last girlfriend I had, I met him that same day. He was my rebound, basically. But I got attached. I’m still attached.

Honestly I knew that this would eventually happen but I’m feeling really annoyed that I wasn’t the one to be in a relationship first and I’m still not over him. I’m annoyed that I invested so much emotional energy into someone that literally did not care about me for four months and only wanted to fuck me.

I just feel really stupid! I put myself in this situation because I kept the casual relationship going even though I knew I was getting feelings. Even though I knew I was getting hurt, and I was allowing it.

There isn’t really anything to say. I just feel really fucking stupid.

a letter for you

I miss you so, so much. I miss everything about you and I miss all the moments we shared. I miss all the moments that we didn’t get to share and I miss the things that we were supposed to do together. I miss you, completely, entirely.

So much has been happening since you died. Saying passed away doesn’t really seem right, as you didn’t die of a natural cause. I have been trying really hard in school, or so it feels like. I got a new job, and quit that job for a better job. The job I have now is working at a funeral home. It is a little funny how death follows you around. Working here has been a different experience than I thought it would be. It isn’t scary. And I don’t see the bodies as being alive.. if that makes sense. They are just bodies. There is no one there.
Seeing it that way makes it a lot less scary. I have realized that often times, the funerals that are being held are more for the families and friends to get closure. Seeing heir loved one in such a state can really solidify the fact that they are no longer there.

I think that that’s one of the things I am still sad about. I never got to see you. The last time I had officially seen you was on Valentine’s Day. How fucking terrible. I’m sad that even though you were cremated, I didn’t get to see or be around your ashes. I think that seeing that would have really made me feel at peace. You weren’t happy in this life anyways. And you weren’t even really “living” anymore. You were trying to get by the best you could. That also makes me sad. But I do wish that I had gotten to see you. Instead, the first I had heard that you had died, I couldnt believe it. I don’t mean that I was in disbelief. I genuinely didn’t believe that you were gone. I tried to see you. I called the morgue that you were in. But they said that I had to pay to come see you and also have permission from the family. I think I would have had a good chance for you r mom to let me see you. But I didn’t have the money they required. So I couldnt see you.

I went to the memorial your town held for you, hoping to have some type of closure there. I ended up feeling angry and I left before the service even started.

Your family released your ashes into the ocean. You always said that you wanted to be a mermaid.

I don’t think that your family likes me very much. And that hurts, because I don’t know that they know the severity of the things that you and I had gone through. I try to look past it. But it just sucks.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I always do. But even more so lately. Bad things have been happening lately and I haven’t been talking about them with anyone. I have been keeping them locked up. I haven’t even really talked about it online. I’m scared I’ll annoy all my online friends too. besides, whenever someone brings you up, I don’t really know what to say. I’m still in shock. But sure enough, I know that I will go home or rush to the bathroom and let a few tears fall out, or just turn into a complete mess.

Something I have been thinking about it how much I took you for granted. You didn’t need to do so many things for me. But you loved me so much that you did. I think that I tried to make up for in when you were going through your addiction. I wanted to be there for you, idk you had been there for me. You had been with me through my worst times, and I wanted to be there for yours. But god damn, it was so hard. It was hard because I loved you so fucking much, that I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted you to get better. I didn’t care about my own mental health. I just wanted you to be ok.

I eventually had to let you go, you see. and it wasn’t because I stopped loving you. But I was so angry with you. I was so angry that you hadn’t beat your addiction, despite having been in and out of rehab so many times that year. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to you for months. I found out through someone else that you had died.

I’m still so fucking sad. I wish you were here more than anything. You were honestly so pure and so good. It was all the addiction turning you differently. Even so, you tried your hardest not to change. You tried so hard to not be a horrible person. I miss everything about you

I miss talking to someone every day abut what happened throughout my day. I miss talking to someone about those things and having them actually listen and give a shit. I miss having someone that isn’t just waiting their turn to talk but rather, is listening to me and gives me feedback about the things I say. I miss being with someone that doesn’t just want to talk about themselves. I miss being with someone that actually cares about how I’m doing. I miss having someone that cares about me and doesn’t just ask, “are you ok?” just to gossip. I miss being able to share the stupidest things with you. I miss the inside jokes we had. I miss being silly with each other. I miss being silly with each other and saying the dumbest, grossest things and still loving each other more and more. I miss having someone that I can talk to about my bad days.

I miss someone that will tell me they are proud of me for even the small things.
No one does that anymore. If I don’t do as well as I would have wanted in a class, there is no, “I am glad you tried your best.”
It is, “why didn’t you do better? all you do is go to school.”
I miss that you would congratulate me on the small things ; like getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to class. I miss you. I miss how supportive you were.

I miss listening to music with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss having you sing to me and play guitar. I miss talking about music. I miss hearing about all the details and the history of certain bands that you know. I miss listening to podcasts with you on rainy days. I miss playing video games with you. I miss having spa days with you. I miss eating together. I miss snacking together. I miss that we wouldn’t judge each other because we were both lil chubby babies and it didn’t matter. I miss sending you pictures of cute, fluffy corgi butts. I miss crying at dog videos with you. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss playing words with friends with you, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

I even miss your snoring. And I even miss when you would randomly fart in the middle of the night when you were sleeping.

I miss doing things with you. I miss going to the lake with you, and to the movies. I miss making plans with you. The reservations you had made in advance on Facebook have expired. You haven’t made a reservation to an event in six months. You never will anymore.

I miss talking to you. You were always one of the only people I actually liked talking on the phone with. I miss that we were both into the same things. I miss being able to talk about stupid shit with you. I miss sending you memes. I miss sending you funny clips. I miss discovering new restaurants with you, even if the food I order is shitty. I miss that you genuinely thought I was beautiful. You weren’t just using me for sex or for validation. You really, actually loved me. And it was so beautiful.

I miss sharing clothes, even though you couldnt fit into mine because I was much shorter than you. I miss cooking and baking together. I miss waking up groggily to the sound of your voice. I miss when you would rub my back just to make me feel good. I miss making playlists for you, and you for me. I miss silly face snapchats. I miss talking about gross situations with you,like whether or not you would eat my toe jam if I offered you money. You always said yes.

I miss literally everything about you. I miss how no one else is like you. It really feels like I will never find anyone as close to being as perfect as you were. You were so selfless. You were the person everyone should strive to be. I miss you so fucking much that it feels like I can’t handle it. It feels like it is too much. I am having a really hard time without you. I am having a hard time coming to terms with your death. In my mind, it still feels like you will come back for some reason. I don’t know. I’m just being stupid. But I miss you so fucking much, I couldnt even explain it even if I tried. My heart feels forever broken. And no one gets it. No one understands. No one could begin to understand the pain I feel from missing you so much. I wish so badly that you would come back. I really, really need you to come back. I really don’t know how much more I can take without you.

First Bad Day At Work

I mentioned this on a post a while back, but I got a new job about a month ago. I started during the last days of November so I’ve basically only been here for a month. I work at a funeral home.

I have never really had a bad day up until yesterday.. I hadn’t really gotten annoyed or frustrated up until this point. Even now, it isn’t really that I’m annoyed but I’m more just upset.

What happened is that two weeks ago, I fell at work on my back. I didn’t have any problems initially but maybe 4 days later, I started getting really bad aches and pains and right now, the pain is really bad and it hurts a lot. It is sort of a constant pain, but certain things make it worse. Such as standing for more than 1o minutes, walking, bending, turning… a lot of things. It doesn’t prevent me from doing my duties. But it makes it harder because it is really painful.

The week of the accident, my official boss was out for vacation. And so I didn’t mention the accident until a week later, when he came back. He told me to go to the doctor and that since I had insurance, he would reimburse me for the copay and the medicine. He was nice about it and I felt relieved because he said, “go to the doctor on the clock and it’s fine.” I went to the doctor yesterday and they told me that I was having a lot of muscle spasms. I asked how they could tell and my doctor said, “when I run my hands down your back, it is very bumpy.”
So, they told me I had to get an x-ray because it felt bad, and just for extra reassurance that nothing was broken. I had texted my employer as soon as they told me and they did not respond. I called them before I got the x-ray and he wasn’t happy.. he was like, “well, this isn’t what we discussed and so I’m sorry that you wasted your time going and wasted my time since I have to file a workers comp claim anyway.” and that kind of threw me off because I mean.. He told me to go to the doctor and that “we would go from there.” I interpreted it as, go to the doctor and don’t mention that it happened at work unless it’s something serious. You don’t just get x-rays for fun, and so I took that as being like, “oh, shit, this could be bad.”
My employer said that he would pay for my copay and my medication, but who was going to pay for my x-ray? My insurance doesn’t cover that, and that’s another reason why I panicked.

I got back to work and it felt like my employer’s demeanor towards me had completely changed. Up until now, he had been really nice and I had heard that he could get moody but I hadn’t experienced it so, I dunno. It was just very off-putting. He wasn’t mean but he just felt cold and the things he was saying confused me a little. He said, “you know, I can’t keep you from falling on the ice in the parking lot but if you feel that you can’t stay safe, then just stay at home.”
If someone said that to you, wouldn’t it be off-putting? It isn’t explicitly mean or rude. But it just made me really uncomfortable. A little later on he was saying that he didn’t mean to be snarky but that we hadn’t discussed filing a claim and now that he hadn’t filed one in ten years, and now his insurance was going to go up blahblah. He was like, “I just want to clarify that I would have happily paid for your expenses but now that I have to file the claim, I can’t do that so I’m just going to leave it up to them completely.”

I felt really bad the entire day and it wasn’t a good feeling to have heard those things. I didn’t feel bad necessarily. I don’t think that it was my fault that I fell. I wasn’t being reckless or anything. It just happened. But the feelings I was feeling was more of disappointing, failure, and hopelessness. They were brought on by the fact that I have been trying really, really hard to make a good impression at this job. I have literally taken on anything that they have asked of me and have gone out of my way to take on more duties. Not that they aren’t paying me adequately, but I am making the extra effort, you know?
The other person that shares my job doesn’t do anything with the bodies. Our job is technically only involved in clerical type duties. But I would always be up for helping dress someone and I recently even did someone’s nails because my boss didn’t know anyone that would be up for it. Like, for god’s sake, I really fucking tried, ok?
I did not seek this job. They sought me out. And so I have been trying really hard to make it  seem like I’m not just some dumbass kid and that it was actually worth hiring me, especially since they wanted someone full time but I can only do part time because of school. I have just been seeking that approval a lot. And I have been getting it and have been getting great feedback. But this incident just made me feel terrible. As if it was all for nothing.

You know me and my mental illness… I pity myself and guilt myself to the point where it really takes a toll on me. And that’s been the case with this. I know that it really isn’t my fault. But that doesn’t relieve the feeling of feeling like all the effort I put into trying to make a good impression went to waste since my boss got upset with me. It’s just not a good feeling. I really wanted to cry all day at work and teared up throughout the day but crying at work would have only made things worse. I already felt like a failure and I didn’t want to come off looking like more of a failure than I already seemed.

The first diagnosis I ever got prior to being diagnosed with major depression and bipolar is having OCD around social situations. I will always always always take things personally and will always think that someone doesn’t like me –despite having no real evidence that they do, or despite them telling me that they do like me. It’s been an issue in romantic relationships because I need the constant validation that they actually do like me and aren’t just faking it. I try t not take things so personally. But my way of thinking gets so skewed and so extreme so quickly. It is hard to stop thinking the way I do.

Anyways, the point of saying that is that I am having obsessive thoughts about the whole thing and am analyzing and replaying the entire incident and encounter over and over in my mind.

I am not feeling good and no form of validation from my friends or family has alleviated these feelings. It feels stupid to say but I hadn’t been feeling depressed of anything since school ended on the 16th of December. But this just really triggered a lot of bad feelings and honestly, any little thing makes my mood completely flip. I’m feeling really bad and depressed and I’m not having good thoughts. I am having a lot of bad, destructive thoughts.

I just wanted to vent a little bit because I don’t want to keep hashing this out with my IRL friends and family.

 

Me, basically:

tumblr_och62tythp1tm1x8po1_540