This is the first post I have made about being back home and naturally, I have lots to say.
My parents are very controlling. They like to micromanage my life and also my brothers life, allowing nearly next to nothing for self-expression. I get defensive. I get defensive especially now that I have been away at university for seven months and am now living back at home. My parents can be very manipulative and I have noticed that it has gotten especially worse. Before moving back home, I had expressed that I wanted to live by myself. I wanted to live by myself because I had a feeling I would not like living at home. My parents convinced me not to because they said that if I came back to live with them I would live rent free, eat free food, and have a car. Well, they’re right, but they always like to push that fact in my face. They have been saying “you live here for free, the least you could do is give us respect.” Mind you, by “respect” they mean doing whatever they want me to do.
Before I left for university, I already struggled a lot for my parents. Truth be told, they’re the main reason that cause my stress (besides school) that then leads to my depression. They are not the reason for my depression and they are not the reason I have tried to hurt myself in the past, but they play a big role in it.
When I had left for university, I had stopped taking my medication by going cold-turkey because I felt like I did not need it anymore. And I didn’t need it for several months. But as the months rolled by and as my parents were calling me more often since I was planning on moving back with them, my depression and OCD habits slowly crept back. I have only been at home for maybe a week so my symptoms aren’t here full-throttle but I am definitely sensing something different. I now no longer only have school as a stress-factor but I also have my mom, dad, and brother. I can no longer shut myself out in a room because I live in a house with three other people that demand to be listened to.
In therapy, it took me a while to notice it but my parents and my home-life is a very toxic environment for me and my mental health. I do not do well here. I do not thrive here. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate everything that my parents do for me, I often recognize that they have made many struggles so that my brother and I could have everything we do.
At home, I guess I feel more like a burden and a hassle than anything else.
Just this past week, and like I said this is the FIRST week I have been here, my parents got into a fight because of me. This happened to the point where my mom even said she has been thinking about divorce. It made me sad. My parents fought because of me because I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. However, my dad (or rather, my whole family) doesn’t believe me. They don’t believe me because I have a tendency to have hypochondriac tendencies. But I have been officially diagnosed by a doctor, isn’t that enough?
Anyway, they fought because my dad said that he is tired of me having all these illnesses (depression, OCD, anxiety, bipolar type 2, fibromyalgia). He says that he thinks I am faking it all. My mom said that even if I was faking it, that it is her job as a parent to help me get help, even if I turn out to not be as sick as I “think” I am. My mom then retorted that my grandma often fakes illnesses and elevates her symptoms to make it seem like it is something worse than it is (my grandma has dementia). My mom also then said that if my dad is so tired of hearing me talk about my illnesses, that my mom will no longer hear any of my dad’s family cry for help when they need help with medical related things, as my mom is a nurse.
My dad got angry and did not talk to my mom for days.
My parents are on better terms now but I can’t help but notice, many things that they fight about are ultimately about me. Whether it is about money, my schooling, who I hang out with, my health, etc. And maybe it’s their fault too for wanting to micromanage me but it makes me feel guilty. Like I said before, I feel more like a burden than anything else.
All of these feelings have been attributing to my depression and they have been making me feel more worthless than I was feeling before. My partner helps me a lot in dealing with these feelings and talking them out. However, it is also a struggle with my family and my partner. I want to often talk about my partner with my parents because they are so great and I want to share that with other people. But my parents refuse to talk to me about my partner because they think that they “are a fag.” They think this because my partner identifies as queer, and my parents know that because they looked through my partner’s Facebook (as in that, too, they were trying to be controlling).
It is hard living in an environment where you feel unwanted and where you don’t feel supported.