Monthly Archives: March 2015

Back Home

This is the first post I have made about being back home and naturally, I have lots to say.

My parents are very controlling. They like to micromanage my life and also my brothers life, allowing nearly next to nothing for self-expression. I get defensive. I get defensive especially now that I have been away at university for seven months and am now living back at home. My parents can be very manipulative and I have noticed that it has gotten especially worse. Before moving back home, I had expressed that I wanted to live by myself. I wanted to live by myself because I had a feeling I would not like living at home. My parents convinced me not to because they said that if I came back to live with them I would live rent free, eat free food, and have a car. Well, they’re right, but they always like to push that fact in my face. They have been saying “you live here for free, the least you could do is give us respect.” Mind you, by “respect” they mean doing whatever they want me to do.

Before I left for university, I already struggled a lot for my parents. Truth be told, they’re the main reason that cause my stress (besides school) that then leads to my depression. They are not the reason for my depression and they are not the reason I have tried to hurt myself in the past, but they play a big role in it.

When I had left for university, I had stopped taking my medication by going cold-turkey because I felt like I did not need it anymore. And I didn’t need it for several months. But as the months rolled by and as my parents were calling me more often since I was planning on moving back with them, my depression and OCD habits slowly crept back. I have only been at home for maybe a week so my symptoms aren’t here full-throttle but I am definitely sensing something different. I now no longer only have school as a stress-factor but I also have my mom, dad, and brother. I can no longer shut myself out in a room because I live in a house with three other people that demand to be listened to.

In therapy, it took me a while to notice it but my parents and my home-life is a very toxic environment for me and my mental health. I do not do well here. I do not thrive here. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate everything that my parents do for me, I often recognize that they have made many struggles so that my brother and I could have everything we do.

At home, I guess I feel more like a burden and a hassle than anything else.

Just this past week, and like I said this is the FIRST week I have been here, my parents got into a fight because of me. This happened to the point where my mom even said she has been thinking about divorce. It made me sad. My parents fought because of me because I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. However, my dad (or rather, my whole family) doesn’t believe me. They don’t believe me because I have a tendency to have hypochondriac tendencies. But I have been officially diagnosed by a doctor, isn’t that enough?
Anyway, they fought because my dad said that he is tired of me having all these illnesses (depression, OCD, anxiety, bipolar type 2, fibromyalgia). He says that he thinks I am faking it all. My mom said that even if I was faking it, that it is her job as a parent to help me get help, even if I turn out to not be as sick as I “think” I am. My mom then retorted that my grandma often fakes illnesses and elevates her symptoms to make it seem like it is something worse than it is (my grandma has dementia). My mom also then said that if my dad is so tired of hearing me talk about my illnesses, that my mom will no longer hear any of my dad’s family cry for help when they need help with medical related things, as my mom is a nurse.
My dad got angry and did not talk to my mom for days.

My parents are on better terms now but I can’t help but notice, many things that they fight about are ultimately about me. Whether it is about money, my schooling, who I hang out with, my health, etc. And maybe it’s their fault too for wanting to micromanage me but it makes me feel guilty. Like I said before, I feel more like a burden than anything else.

All of these feelings have been attributing to my depression and they have been making me feel more worthless than I was feeling before. My partner helps me a lot in dealing with these feelings and talking them out. However, it is also a struggle with my family and my partner. I want to often talk about my partner with my parents because they are so great and I want to share that with other people. But my parents refuse to talk to me about my partner because they think that they “are a fag.” They think this because my partner identifies as queer, and my parents know that because they looked through my partner’s Facebook (as in that, too, they were trying to be controlling).

It is hard living in an environment where you feel unwanted and where you don’t feel supported.

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Body invalidation

Once, someone broke up with me because of my mental health issues. They said that they didn’t understand how it worked and that what I was experiencing didn’t make sense. They said that what I was experiencing was not possible, and that its basic biology to know what what I was feeling was not possible. 

He had never taken a biology class.
In that time, I was very depressed and I felt like I sometimes couldn’t even eat or get out of bed. That didn’t make sense to them.
That was first time I had ever really had any sort of discrimination against me because of a mental illness. Fast forward a year and I’m now diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and fibromyalgia. If I didn’t feel fucked up then, I sure feel it now. 
It is hard to get your feelings around your body and general self validated when the whole world is constantly trying to invalidate you. There is such a huge stigma towards both mental and physical illnesses. I wish it wasn’t like this.

My brother is asexual

I don’t think I have ever talked about it but in the past, my brother has expressed himself to me that they think they are asexual. Today, he told me that he has been experimenting with my nail polish and has been trying different things, including water marbling (which is SOO hard). 

My brother is 13 and in seventh grade. It is interesting to see the similarities and disparities between both of us. At 12, I knew that I had an attraction to other genders but I would never admit it to myself. I think that my brother is so brave and so insightful for already being able to recognize what the feelings that they are feeling might be. It is interesting to see him go against gender roles and do what he wants because he wants to do it. I never had the courage to do that myself.
Though, he did remove the nail polish right after it dried in fear that my parents would find out. My parents are very conservative and very traditional as a Mexican family in their way of thinking.
My brother is so smart and so cool. I wish that I would have had the guts to do the things that he is doing. I still wish I had the guts even now to do the things he is doing.

My partner is going out tonight and they haven’t done anything but I feel unnecessarily angry. If I were to be honest with myself, I would say that I am angry because I am jealous. I feel this way because it feels like they get to go out and have a good time but I’m stuck in my dorm room, alone, with no one to talk to. I would describe the feeling like as if you were watching your best friend get invited to a party while you’re also there or like when you see pictures of your friends at a party you weren’t invited to.

On one hand, you are happy for them because they went out and had a good time. But on the other hand, you can’t REALLY feel happy for them because you’re bitter and sad.
I am feeling that way.
I am alone.
I am lonely.
I am sad.
I am bitter.
I know that if I’m being honest, this is how I feel. This is why I am angry. But I can’t bear to even see them or talk to them.

listen to me, please

I have been feeling very strange about Jamie. It feels like they are getting tired of me and don’t care about anything I have to say.

Yesterday, I was feeling really sad and suicixal and o thought that I could come to them for help and understanding, as I feel like when they are sad I try to help them out. But all they said was “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way” with the occasional emoji face.
It makes me mad because I feel like with their other friends, they will go so out of their way to make them feel better.
That is one reason why I feel that they don’t care.
Another reason is because I will talk to them about something that made me upset or is making me upset and they won’t have anything to say about it. Sometimes the things they talk about don’t interest me but I try to listen anyway because I care and love them. It just isn’t feeling like I’m getting the same kind of respect back.
I’m sad and I’m pissed but I don’t want to talk to them about it in fear that they’ll tell me they don’t love me anymore or something.

how did I get so lonely?

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. HOW did I get to be so alone all the time. I really have no friends. But it wasn’t always like this. I was so popular in middle and high school. I don’t know what happened. Was it the depression? 

I think it might have been. I was so emotional and off the wall when the depression symptoms started showing up. And then I got interested in politics, something NO ONE ever wants to talk about.

I guess that’s where that left me.

I was sad and obnoxious. What a horrible combination.