You told me that you had tried Molly. That you were scared because it was the best feeling you had ever experienced. I was scared for you. You have such an addictive personality.
We compared music and you told me of how your dad was in rehab.
You said, “It’s a funny life I have, huh?”
I was sad for you.
I was sad for you but I was also cautious. Cautious for myself. You can be so manipulative sometimes. It is hard to tell when you are being genuine.
I am so hung up on you. I always have been.
I asked if you if you were going to visit me while I was at university.
You replied with, “of course. you’re only an hour and a half away.”
I felt special but I also felt a sort of harsh bitterness in that you would only visit me to have sex with me.
You come from a dysfunctional family and all I want to do is show you that in a world where everything can seem so wrong and broken, I can be someone that will always genuinely care for you.
I think that I will always like you. Even if you are sort of poisonous to my mental health. You are so enticing. You are so interesting. There’s something about you that makes me want to see you every chance I get.
Seeing j so often makes my anxiety levels go through the roof. I get so nervous and scared around him.
Yesterday, when I got to class, I saw that he was sitting with some of my friends and it made me really upset. Later that day, he went over to my mom and asked to see her work so he could compare answers. I feel like out of all the people he could have sat by and of all the people he could have compared answers to, why did it have to be people that are close to me?
I feel like he’s doing it on purpose.
Anyway, I got really sick from being anxious and I had to leave class because I couldn’t handle it. It is now 3:42 in the morning and I am still recovering and I actually don’t feel any better.
I just thought of when I first met J And how I was the one to make a move. How I surprise kissed him and e kissed me back.
How he texted me later that evening and asked to see me again the next day because he wanted to kiss me again.
How we went to the pumpkin patch and got lost in the corn maze.
So, this is my first post since j and I broke up. Today would have been our five month anniversary, although, we never really recognized these monthly anniversaries.
I find myself missing him sometimes. I find myself hating him sometimes. I don’t hate that he broke up with me. I hate that I feel like he used me. I hate that I opened up to him. Ok, so I guess I do hate that he broke up with me A LITTLE BIT. But still.
I’m just an angry, sad girl. My emotions are too high and I exaggerate everything.
Sometimes, I think of why we broke up. I know that I didn’t care for him as much as I did other boyfriends/flings. I think that my internalized racism had something to do with that. It makes me feel bad.
I know I didn’t care for j much and I know he noticed. He once told me that he thought I took him for granted. And I did.
I found myself pushing him away but also wanting him as a friend. But now that we broke up and are supposedly friends, I want nothing to do with him even more than before. Before, I didn’t want to kiss him, touch him, etc. Now, I don’t even want him to look at me.
I am so spiteful sometimes. I can feel this anger towards him boiling inside of me sometimes. I don’t MEAN to be angry. I just am.
I keep having dreams where he is in them. I am equally as angry in my dreams.
Tl;dr: UPDATE: it has not gotten easier.