Tag Archives: grief

New Relationship

I haven’t talked about this yet, but I’m in a relationship with someone! We have been talking since

September, hanging out a lot since January, and we just officially started dating last week. Though, we have been acting like a couple for a long while now.
**Side note: this is NOT the person I was seeing around october-december as a fling.

I’m really happy and I really like them. I think that it’s a good thing that we hung out A LOT before becoming official. It makes me feel like this is something that will not be so temporary.

Today, I brought up Molly. I don’t remember how she was brought up but eventually, I just came out and told him that I was in a serious relationship with someone for two years and then they died.
They said, that they didn’t want to tell me, but that they had found my instagram before we had met in January. And so they saw the post I made when Molly passed away. But since he didn’t think I wanted him to see that, he just never said anything about it. I think that was really nice of him… to have let me tell him when I feel ready to tell him, rather than him asking because he’s curious. I don’t know. That kind of really meant a lot to me.
I told him that I hadn’t come out with it at first because I didn’t want him to think I had a lot of baggage, because even though I am sad every day about her and I cry about her a lot, I think that I manage my grief well. I am at a place where I don’t let it interfere with my personal relationships anymore. I don’t try to isolate and feed into the sadness.

I asked him if it made him nervous or uncomfortable, that I had loved someone so much and still feel so much grief, but am dating him. He said no, and that he understands. He said that he thinks I’m really strong emotionally and mentally and that he doesn’t know how he’d be if he went through something similar.

It was such a huge fucking relief. It has been something that I think about all the time… needing to tell him about Molly. But I hadn’t because I was afraid of what he might think. I’m so glad that he’s so understanding and talked about it with me. It just felt really supportive from his end. It is hard to talk about with anyone. I don’t talk about it with anyone, really, because the feelings are still very raw. I think that they will still be raw for a very, very long time.

But this is a really good step forward for me and I wanted to share this moment with you guys because it was really important to me.

 

tumblr_olm3uuW8cr1qh4i1qo1_540

Advertisements

In Light of Internal Screaming

tumblr_nfbr9ramtx1tewrl9o1_500

In my last post, I explained how I was ghosted by this boy I had gone on a date within how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I was super upset and I am still pretty upset. Though this had never happened to me until now, these types of situations are the worst. Because I thought the date went well, and I can’t think of why it wouldn’t have been good, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the kind of closure that I want. It’s not the type of thing where I know I fucked up and I can say, “oh, well I was a little too nervous or annoying so that’s why he didn’t text back and that’s fine.” But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t too nervous and I wasn’t annoying.

This isn’t even really about the boy. Because the boy is whatever, he can go do whatever he wants. But the negative feelings I am having are in relation to the rejection I am feeling. I could say, “fuck that guy,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel weird about it all.

I guess I just knew why. Not that it would really matter, you know? It’s not like I want to know why just to try to change how I interact with others. But I just want to have the closure of knowing whyyyy.

I’ve been feeling pretty insecure because of being rejected. I know that’s silly since I’m being this way over a guy I had just met. It just brought up a lot of negative feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. and they’ve been bad feelings.

I guess I’m also not feeling myself because in a few days, it’ll be the anniversary of the last time I saw Molly. I miss her a lot. I remember everything about that day.

The other day, I was reading a post about a book someone had made about the last message someone received from someone –whether it was from an ex-lover, or from someone that died. It made me feel bad.

The last message Molly sent me was a video of herself at the beach. She wrote, “I’m sorry about what I said to you. I was out of line.”

I never replied. I’m crying as I write this haha. I just have so many regrets about what happened with us. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her.

reflecting

tumblr_oecd7jneyu1tu1gjqo1_540

On my last text post, I talked about how it felt like I had been dumped even though I wasn’t even really dating the guy. It still feels that way. I have snapchat, and for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s just sharing moments in real-time and then you can see who has looked at the things you shared. They don’t have to “like” anything, but you can see who has viewed it. I can see that this boy has viewed everything that I have posted.

I am still feeling hurt. But I am also taking this into perspective. I don’t know what happened and why he stopped talking to me. But it’s not like I’ve tried talking to him either. I think he started seeing someone, however, I assume a lot of things. Nevertheless, here’s what I’ve been thinking.

I was feeling really fucking angry with him and I think that that’s valid because no one likes to be rejected, right?

I have a tumblr that I’ve had for six years and I’ve always used it as a part-time blog. But I haven’t been posting serious text posts like this so much because I feel like I annoy all the people that follow me. I have a good amount of followers, but all of them are pretty young. And I guess that I’m young too, but for these kinds of posts, I want to be taken seriously. And no one wants to scroll through their dashboard, hoping to find cool memes and funny pictures only to stumble upon a long-ass post like this about how depressed I am. Which is why I’ve used this more as an outlet.

Anyways, I posted about this boy on that tumblr. And someone replied that they were in the same situation, but that they don’t hate the guy for it because they are glad that they had met him.

It really got me thinking. I don’t think that I hate this boy either. I do feel really upset. But that’s mostly me being upset at my own insecurities and feeling upset at the mistakes that I made. But even if I were to be mad at him, I don’t think that I can feel too mad.

I’m 21. He’s 28. That’s a big age difference. I already knew from the start that it wouldn’t work out because we are also pretty different. And it’s not even the age difference, but I feel that he was pretty immature. I’m not just saying that because I’m upset, but I’ve always felt that way.
I also am thinking, he’s 28 and has never really been in a long-term relationship. Long-term meaning longer than 6-months. If he has found someone, then I should be happy for him, even if I feel hurt. Shouldn’t I feel happy for someone for finding someone they are compatible with? If he’s that old, and hast found someone to be happy with for a long while, then I should feel hopeful for him. I am 21 and I have already had several long-term relationships, even if some of them were when I was super young and was more “puppy love-esque.” I have already had a great love with someone, to the point where I really loved them and wanted to marry them.

On some level, I am also glad that he stopped talking to me. I am glad because on several occasions, which I think I’ve talked about on here, he was kind of an asshole to me. But I kept it up because it felt good to be wanted. I know that if he hadn’t ended it, I would still keep it going. I would still be torturing myself by being with someone who wasn’t into me in the way that I wanted, and that also wanted really that nice to me. But it wasn’t all that bad. I did have a good time with him when we would be together. I did like them even on a platonic level.

I do hope that he found someone. I hope that if he has found someone, that he stays with them for a while. I remember that he had once told me that he does want kids. I dunno. I guess it just feels to me that 28 is really old, in the sense of not ever having been in a long-term relationship while also having the longing of wanting kids. I guess it just makes me feel bad a little, and I don’t feel that I should be angry at someone if that is what they are seeking.

Maybe I’m thinking about this in a completely naive way. I’m pretty naive. But I also feel like if I don’t think about it this way, that I will get super depressed and that the anger will weigh me down. So I prefer to stay naive.

a letter for you

I miss you so, so much. I miss everything about you and I miss all the moments we shared. I miss all the moments that we didn’t get to share and I miss the things that we were supposed to do together. I miss you, completely, entirely.

So much has been happening since you died. Saying passed away doesn’t really seem right, as you didn’t die of a natural cause. I have been trying really hard in school, or so it feels like. I got a new job, and quit that job for a better job. The job I have now is working at a funeral home. It is a little funny how death follows you around. Working here has been a different experience than I thought it would be. It isn’t scary. And I don’t see the bodies as being alive.. if that makes sense. They are just bodies. There is no one there.
Seeing it that way makes it a lot less scary. I have realized that often times, the funerals that are being held are more for the families and friends to get closure. Seeing heir loved one in such a state can really solidify the fact that they are no longer there.

I think that that’s one of the things I am still sad about. I never got to see you. The last time I had officially seen you was on Valentine’s Day. How fucking terrible. I’m sad that even though you were cremated, I didn’t get to see or be around your ashes. I think that seeing that would have really made me feel at peace. You weren’t happy in this life anyways. And you weren’t even really “living” anymore. You were trying to get by the best you could. That also makes me sad. But I do wish that I had gotten to see you. Instead, the first I had heard that you had died, I couldnt believe it. I don’t mean that I was in disbelief. I genuinely didn’t believe that you were gone. I tried to see you. I called the morgue that you were in. But they said that I had to pay to come see you and also have permission from the family. I think I would have had a good chance for you r mom to let me see you. But I didn’t have the money they required. So I couldnt see you.

I went to the memorial your town held for you, hoping to have some type of closure there. I ended up feeling angry and I left before the service even started.

Your family released your ashes into the ocean. You always said that you wanted to be a mermaid.

I don’t think that your family likes me very much. And that hurts, because I don’t know that they know the severity of the things that you and I had gone through. I try to look past it. But it just sucks.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I always do. But even more so lately. Bad things have been happening lately and I haven’t been talking about them with anyone. I have been keeping them locked up. I haven’t even really talked about it online. I’m scared I’ll annoy all my online friends too. besides, whenever someone brings you up, I don’t really know what to say. I’m still in shock. But sure enough, I know that I will go home or rush to the bathroom and let a few tears fall out, or just turn into a complete mess.

Something I have been thinking about it how much I took you for granted. You didn’t need to do so many things for me. But you loved me so much that you did. I think that I tried to make up for in when you were going through your addiction. I wanted to be there for you, idk you had been there for me. You had been with me through my worst times, and I wanted to be there for yours. But god damn, it was so hard. It was hard because I loved you so fucking much, that I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted you to get better. I didn’t care about my own mental health. I just wanted you to be ok.

I eventually had to let you go, you see. and it wasn’t because I stopped loving you. But I was so angry with you. I was so angry that you hadn’t beat your addiction, despite having been in and out of rehab so many times that year. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to you for months. I found out through someone else that you had died.

I’m still so fucking sad. I wish you were here more than anything. You were honestly so pure and so good. It was all the addiction turning you differently. Even so, you tried your hardest not to change. You tried so hard to not be a horrible person. I miss everything about you

I miss talking to someone every day abut what happened throughout my day. I miss talking to someone about those things and having them actually listen and give a shit. I miss having someone that isn’t just waiting their turn to talk but rather, is listening to me and gives me feedback about the things I say. I miss being with someone that doesn’t just want to talk about themselves. I miss being with someone that actually cares about how I’m doing. I miss having someone that cares about me and doesn’t just ask, “are you ok?” just to gossip. I miss being able to share the stupidest things with you. I miss the inside jokes we had. I miss being silly with each other. I miss being silly with each other and saying the dumbest, grossest things and still loving each other more and more. I miss having someone that I can talk to about my bad days.

I miss someone that will tell me they are proud of me for even the small things.
No one does that anymore. If I don’t do as well as I would have wanted in a class, there is no, “I am glad you tried your best.”
It is, “why didn’t you do better? all you do is go to school.”
I miss that you would congratulate me on the small things ; like getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to class. I miss you. I miss how supportive you were.

I miss listening to music with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss having you sing to me and play guitar. I miss talking about music. I miss hearing about all the details and the history of certain bands that you know. I miss listening to podcasts with you on rainy days. I miss playing video games with you. I miss having spa days with you. I miss eating together. I miss snacking together. I miss that we wouldn’t judge each other because we were both lil chubby babies and it didn’t matter. I miss sending you pictures of cute, fluffy corgi butts. I miss crying at dog videos with you. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss playing words with friends with you, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

I even miss your snoring. And I even miss when you would randomly fart in the middle of the night when you were sleeping.

I miss doing things with you. I miss going to the lake with you, and to the movies. I miss making plans with you. The reservations you had made in advance on Facebook have expired. You haven’t made a reservation to an event in six months. You never will anymore.

I miss talking to you. You were always one of the only people I actually liked talking on the phone with. I miss that we were both into the same things. I miss being able to talk about stupid shit with you. I miss sending you memes. I miss sending you funny clips. I miss discovering new restaurants with you, even if the food I order is shitty. I miss that you genuinely thought I was beautiful. You weren’t just using me for sex or for validation. You really, actually loved me. And it was so beautiful.

I miss sharing clothes, even though you couldnt fit into mine because I was much shorter than you. I miss cooking and baking together. I miss waking up groggily to the sound of your voice. I miss when you would rub my back just to make me feel good. I miss making playlists for you, and you for me. I miss silly face snapchats. I miss talking about gross situations with you,like whether or not you would eat my toe jam if I offered you money. You always said yes.

I miss literally everything about you. I miss how no one else is like you. It really feels like I will never find anyone as close to being as perfect as you were. You were so selfless. You were the person everyone should strive to be. I miss you so fucking much that it feels like I can’t handle it. It feels like it is too much. I am having a really hard time without you. I am having a hard time coming to terms with your death. In my mind, it still feels like you will come back for some reason. I don’t know. I’m just being stupid. But I miss you so fucking much, I couldnt even explain it even if I tried. My heart feels forever broken. And no one gets it. No one understands. No one could begin to understand the pain I feel from missing you so much. I wish so badly that you would come back. I really, really need you to come back. I really don’t know how much more I can take without you.

Overwhelming 

Life has been very overwhelming. It is harder and harder to keep going tbh. Honestly, the things that are bothering me aren’t even really BIG things. It’s more just feeling fucking hopeless and lonely. But sometimes that’s enough to push people over the edge, I guess. 

I haven’t been self harming in any manner, as I am seeing someone casually and don’t want them to see cuts on my body. They know I have bipolar. But it’s one thing to have it. It’s another to show it. I don’t want physical proof as to how fucked up I am.

I’ve been crying a lot. I have been isolating.

I have been missing Molly a lot these past few weeks. I always miss her. But the feelings of guilt and shame are coming back. Or were they ever gone? 

I guess I just miss how I could talk to her about anything and everything. I realize now just how much I took her for granted. You always realize those things when it’s too late. I don’t have anyone to talk to about the stupid shit that happens throughout my day. I have no one to talk to about the good things and bad things that happened. I have no one that is interested in hearing the insignificant little details of my life. 

Everything hurts.

Update!! 

I got a new job. I had gotten a job two months ago and it isn’t TOO bad (though I did cry in the bathroom today like a loser). 

For the new job, I didn’t seek it. I wasn’t looking for a new job. But rather, they sought me. Someone recommended me and they really wanted me I guess. They offered to pay me $4.25 more per hour than what I earn right now. Considering I’m in student loan hell, I obviously took it. Also, it is a more laid back job. I will be working an office job at a funeral home. 

I think that working at this type of place will be good for me. I have been struggling over the loss of my ex-girlfriend and it has not gotten easier. I cry all the time and now I’ve even started crying in public places, when I see things that remind me of her. 

I think that I will learn to be more sympathetic and empathetic, as I had numbed myself out to those feelings the past year. I will also *need* to learn skills on how to handle grief and loss. I will be able to apply these skills to my own personal life. I’m excited to get paid so much more but I’m also excited about the lessons that will come out of this. I saw my psychiatrist today and told him of this and said that he thought the way I am going about this is profound. And also would be good, as I will be making slideshows and it will show the deceased at their best. It was a nice way to look at it.

I finally feel like I will be taken seriously. I am always being undermined, despite me always being the most qualified at any of the jobs I’ve been at. 

Like I have been noticing with the job I’m at now, I have the most duties out of anyone else. Why? Because I’m so good at so many things. They have me do all the typing, because I am the one that types the fastest. I am bilingual, so I need to translate all the time, which I don’t mind. I recently became a notary, so I’m always pushed to do those since they’re not fun to do. I also have to do them in Spanish and it is more difficult, as Spanish is my second language. 

I do most of the cleaning. I multi task the most. Today, I was multi tasking so fucking much. My boss had he audacity to shove a huge, lengthy project on me. All the while, my other two workers took on easier “projects” AKA cutting paper. And still, I had to do my own project while ALSO attending to all the customers. Their excuse was that they were busy with their project. Like no fucking shit, I am too. So annoying. 

I went to the bathroom later in the day and just fucking broke down like a loser. I feel like I am being walked all over and being taken advantage of. I don’t want to say anything, as I only have a week left here. But it is certainly frustrating. Even so, I know that things would stay the same even if I hadn’t left. This would still be happening and I would still not feel comfortable speaking up.

I have trouble standing up for myself. 

I cried in the bathroom because I hate those feelings. They are feelings that I feel frequently. I feel like I let people walk all over me all the time. It makes me feel like shit. And so this situation reminds me very much of my own personal instances.

Am I being stupid? It should be flattering that I’m being put to do so many things because I’m good at them. But it isn’t fair and it’s stressing me out. 

Anyways. I’m so fucking excited that I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. I clearly didn’t say I found a way better job, but rather, I gave a dumb excuse so as to not burn bridges. So yeah! That’s what’s going on with me right now. I’m definitely very emotional

UPDATE 10/14/16

My life has been very hectic lately. Hectic and busy.

I remember seeing all those memes at the beginning of the year about how 2015 was the worst year ever, and how we all wanted 2016 to be better (it wasn’t). I think about it and how it’s a little funny.

My life was a complete mess last year. I had gotten into a car accident, and that really messed with me. Molly started abusing drugs heavily. When I first met her, she came right out and told me that she was currently in an outpatient program because of drugs she abused. The drugs were cough medicine. I thought it was ok and I didn’t mind, because she was looking to better herself, you know? But everything turned to complete shit. And we pretty much didn’t even see each other that year. The was constantly in rehab, because she was constantly relapsing.

I was so fucking depressed. I was in the worst place possible. I kept failing my classes, I quit my job because I didn’t have the energy to put effort into it an that isn’t fair to them. I just literally got to rock bottom in 2015. I was always so sad that Molly would relapse so much. I didn’t understand addiction. I still don’t. All the mixed emotions at the time made me feel like she wasn’t trying. I wasn’t seeing the “big picture.” I was looking at the small details. The details I chose to look at.
That, in combination with my own mental health issues, probably made me into satan in the form of Molly’s girlfriend. Towards the end, I was not a good girlfriend. I know this and I regret that so deeply. I was pushy, naggy, and I wasn’t fun anymore. But to me, it was better to be that way rather than sit around and just let her kill herself with all the drugs. I just wanted her to get better. I still feel like all her friends and family think I’m the fucking devil for how I was towards Molly. But they wouldn’t understand.

When Molly would get high, she would call me and speak weirdly. Or send weird texts. In one of the last “big” highs, she had abused inhalants and then also smoked a strong strain of weed. She was hallucinating in a bad way, and would text me that she knew I was trying to kill her. It was heartbreaking. It stressed me out. But none of her friends ever got texts like that. I know they didn’t. I know they would NEVER understand. They still wouldn’t.

So anyways, 2015 was the extreme hurt I was feeling with Molly always being gone and the frustration of her constantly relapsing. I didn’t give a shit about anyone but her. I didn’t even give a shit about myself.

really hoped that 2016 would be better. It wasn’t. Molly died this year. In many ways, I blame myself for her death. Some of my friends tell me that there was nothing I could have done. But I feel so fucking guilty It’s hard enough being a trans person in this world. Being a trans person that abuses drugs? And I left her. I left her because it was no longer healthy for me to stay with her. But I feel like I should have stayed. I feel like, maybe, I could have done something. If I had only held on just a little longer.

In all honesty, I almost killed myself soon after Molly had died. My reasoning was that, you always hear that when you go to heaven, you don’t really exist as the person you were before. Not in the same sense. You don’t have any worries, no resentments, or anger. You are perfect in heaven. I consider my relationship with Molly to have been perfect before she really got into drugs. And so in my mind, I thought, I can still be with her. And everything will be great like it was before. We can be with each other again and everything will be good again.
I was so stupid.

This time two years ago, I was at OSU. I had extremely shitty roommates, and I had just been outed to my parents as queer. My parents hated that and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I was already feeling lonely as fuck. I was so depressed that I never left my dorm. I didn’t have friends because I didn’t have the energy to make friends. The only person I had was Molly. She helped me get through that. And she helped me in so many ways after that, too. My parents hated me and sent me hateful text messages on my birthday. As a “birthday gift.” It was literally the fucking shittiest time of my life. But Molly stuck through it all with me. She was such a good person.
I consider Molly to have been the love of my life. She really was. We were great together, before everything bad happened. We were into the same things. We were super compatible. We knew so much about each other. I loved her so incredibly much.

So I feel like I literally lost the love of my life. I know people don’t believe in soulmates. But we were just so perfect for each other. It is hard to believe that she couldn’t have been my soulmate. I was supposed to propose to her that year. But I couldn’t because she relapsed badly.
And now she is gone. I have minimal physical memories of her, because her family deleted her tumblr. I know that, that sounds silly.. to feel so hurt about that. But we posted pictures of ourselves, we talked about our days, funny things one of us said. Posts we wanted each other to see. I would have loved to keep that. Just to have those memories.
All I have are articles of clothing, letters she wrote to me, and the memories in my mind. I think about her every day so the I don’t ever forget anything about her. I want to keep her alive in my memories. I miss her so fucking much and I talk about her all the time on here but I just really don’t want to forget. Even if I cry all the time, I just want to keep thinking about her and try to keep those memories alive. I cry and sob about Molly every night. I am in hysterics over her every single night. I miss her so, so, so much. I don’t see her in dreams anymore. And I have ever felt like she was “with” me. But I just miss her so fucking much.

However, despite all this, 2016 has also been the year that I realized that I needed to get my shit together. This time in school, I am very on top of things. I never thought that I would be able to work and go to school at the same time, and still get good grades. But here I am, doing it. I’m really doing it. I’m finally on the best combination of meds I have ever been on. I have a semi-good support system. I have a job. It isn’t the best job and I get paid minimum wage. But that is ok. I go to school 3/4 time, I am taking very intense courses.
I’m doing a lot for myself, too. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself if I hadn’t gone through these things with Molly. I wouldn’t know what my boundaries are. I wouldn’t even know how to set them.

2016 has been the worst year of my entire life. But it has also been a good year, in terms of self-improvement.

I am here, I am alive, and I am mostly doing well. 

Therapy 9/14/16

tumblr_od9hfioxci1sg34ouo1_540

I had therapy yesterday. The first thing my therapist says to me whenever I come in is, “so how are you? what’s new?”

Except this time, those questions were followed by, “you seem depressed.”
You might think that this is a silly thing to say,considering I’m so neurotic that I am depressed so often. But I hadn’t been so depressed in my sessions with her lately. And if I was, I had been managing it. The truth of it is, is that I haven’t been doing well lately. Not at all. I’ve been really depressed and haven’t found it in me to do something about it. I just don’t care. I’m feeling a little better this week but I’m still really bad.

 

Sometimes I realize that I don’t really need a therapist. Not REALLY. She doesn’t give me any new information that I don’t already figure out myself. Because I’m someone that worries a lot and really mulls things over, I come up with a lot of different conclusions for situations. I can find the reasoning in everything, eventually. And so when I tell her, my depression this time was sparked by the B that I got in a class. She had said that even though I got a B, it was still good, considering everything I went through summer term. And I do know that. Actually, on a different blog, I wrote a post about it. The reason i have two different blogs is that on my other one, it is more of a public audience. I have hundreds of people that read my material, including people that I know in real life. I can’t truly, honestly say everything I want to say.

Anyway, in the post, I had said that I was really proud of how far I’ve come this term. My boss had sent me an email that she wanted to offer me to keep my job (which was initially a seasonal position) because she admired my work ethic and reliability. It felt good. I also noted that even though I didn’t get an A in the class, like I thought I would, a B wasn’t that bad either. I had to give myself credit for both situations. Molly died six days after the term started. Molly died the same day that was my first day at that job. My brother had also gotten really sick, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So despite everything that happened, I still managed to pull it together and try to get on with my life. I am the kind of person that gives up really quickly. I pull away the moment I sense failure. But I didn’t give up this time, despite all the times I felt hopeless.
My therapist basically reiterated this to me and though it is appreciated, I already knew it. Most times, I can figure things out for myself. I guess I still go to her though because it feels good to talk to someone. Sometimes I get so depressed that I just need someone to talk to. But I HATE feeling like a burden, so I would rather keep it in. She is someone that I’m basically paying to listen to me, so I don’t feel so bad.

 

In this therapy session, we talked about how depressed I had been felling, due to the amount of pressure I put on myself. We also talked about Molly a lot. Ever since I got out of classes, I haven’t really had anything to do. And because I’ve been so depressed because of my grades, I have been pulling away from everyone and really kept to myself. I have more time to think about things and to overthink them. My depression comes out in the worst ways and the way that it shows up most often is isolating. I isolate a lot when I get depressed. So I think that when I had to focus on school, I didn’t have much time to thin about Molly. Not all the time. But I don’t have anything to do now so I DO think about her all the time. When I talked about her, there would be times when I just couldn’t articulate what I was saying. It was hard for me to even say the words I wanted to. I was crying too hard, to the point where it would be hard to breathe.

We talked about the current partner I have. My partner and I had a long phone conversation yesterday about how they’ve been feeling really neglected and lonely because I’ve been so busy with school and being depressed. I felt bad. But I also told them that i didn’t like that they were making me prove that I liked them by giving them physical things. For example, they would say to write them a letter, an email or to send a package. Sometimes I would do those things. But whenever I didn’t, they would get upset. I don’t think that I should have to prove myself if I’m still with them. I also told them that I have no way of knowing when I will get depressive episodes, and that I also have no way of knowing how long they will last. Not to say that they need to deal with it, but that it is something that I actively struggle with. I told them that I do understand why they feel that way and that they’re right, I have been neglecting them, as I haven’t put any time or energy towards the relationship. But they have codependency traits that I also had to bring up. I was codependent with my previous partner, as they were an addict and I constantly wanted to help them and wanted them to be ok. I was putting out more energy than they were giving out. Though I realize that they had no way of putting energy towards our relationship, when they couldn’t even put every towards themselves. It was a selfish thing to think about.
But because I’ve been in the same position once before, I recognized that what they were saying wasn’t healthy. I told them that while I do understand, I felt like they shouldn’t base their own happiness on the wellbeing of our relationship. That is being codependent and that they need to find ways to cope, regardless. That’s what I think. Maybe I’m heartless.

I do like them a lot. And I do love them a lot. I think our relationship has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel that maybe I am not in a good place right now to have a relationship. I feel like I’ve been grieving over Molly a lot. I know that I will be depressed a lot and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand why I will be depressed. Oh, also, whenever I would tell them I’m depressed and told them why, they would say that it wasn’t “a good enough reason.” That bothered me a lot. But anyways!!! I also feel like we are both in completely different points in our life that I don’t feel will work out, long term. They are seven years older than I am. And I don’t feel that it’s the age. But they’re just so different. We are not alike enough for me to think that this will work out long term. I guess for me, I also think, why would I be in a relationship if I don’t think that it’s going to work out? i don’t want to be in a relationship just to not feel lonely. That’s not what I want.
I guess, ultimately, I don’t have the energy to put towards this relationship. I will be going back to school in two weeks and I need to focus this term more than I ever have, because it’s crunch time. I need to get good grades, I need to memorize, I need to pull it together. I need recommendations from these two instructors so I need to be spending time REALLY participating in class and going to their office hours, so that they get to know me. So that i’m not just another student trying to get by.
I just have too much going on, and though I know I need to have a social life too, it can’t be all work, relationships require a lot of work. It is hard to keep up with relationships if you don’t have the time for them. I have been thinking about this a lot because it also isn’t fair to keep giving them hope, that we’ll fix this. I think they’re just ready to settle down. I’m not. I’m not even 21 yet. I’m just getting started with my life.

idk. So that’s what I’ve been feeling and what’s been going on. Wow, this was a long post.

Lately

beauty5_1.gif

This is me. I am Carol. 

It’s been difficult for me these days.

Here are some things that have been happening.

-I’m sick. I don’t mean mental health sick, or “fucked up” sick. But I feel terrible. I don’t know if I’m feeling sick as a result of my mental illness or if I’m legitimately like virus-type sick. I’ve been feeling tired all day. I’ve been feeling this way for the past three weeks. It’s ruining some of my interpersonal relationships. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I helped my mom run errands yesterday. In the intervals when we would be in the car getting to the next location, I would just fall asleep immediately. Something is wrong with me. My body is tired and sore.

– My parents are fighting again. Every time the fights are bad, my mom hints that she’s going to get a divorced because she’s “sick of dealing with this.” The fights are never bad, like, physically bad. And my parents don’t call each other names. But rather, they are passive-aggressive bad. They are bad in the way that they don’t talk to each other and ignore each other. I am really sad whenever this happens.
My culture has a very difficult relationship with seeking help for personal issues, whether it be marital problems or problems stemming from mental health. It isn’t that people from my culture are stupid, or anything. But we are ignorant, and this is because of the way it’s been for years. It is the attempt at trying to preserve our culture and keeping with traditional ways that keeps us ignorant. My mom is pretty progressive, but my dad isn’t. As a result, he refuses to go to a marriage counselor.

Right now, after noticing that this time it’s my dad who’s causing the fight, I am trying to come to terms that maybe this is for the best. I read some articles and realized that it is selfish of me to try to keep trying to keep my parents together, which is what I’ve always done. I’ve always tried to be the middle-man in an attempt to make things better, even if it stresses me out and is ruining my mental health at that time. I guess, I currently realize that if my parents are constantly angry with each other and it seems to be a never-ending cycle, they should do whatever they deem best.

I say this with using “I CURRENTLY think.” I say this as I know I will get extremely sad and go against what I’m saying later on.

-I think that I am going to end the relationship I am in. I started dating the person I am dating back in May. I had broken up with a previous significant other in February, and I had been with them for two years. I honestly think that I got in this relationship out of spite towards the other person. I wanted so badly for them to see how badly they hurt me, and because of that, I was trying to be happy with someone else. One month after I got in the new relationship, my previous partner died of an overdose. I feel like that hit me really hard and that’s when I realized, what the fuck am I doing? I’ve tried to make it work. But it isn’t just me. The person I’m dating has their own issues and sometimes, it’s things that i really can’t deal with. For example, I’ve been needing a lot of space lately. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, they said that they were typically the person that tries to not be serious and not be in monogamous relationships. But as soon as we started dating, that completely changed. They said they were in love with me. They got clingy and dependent. I cannot do that. I can’t even try. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been really tired. I have no energy. It’s beginning to feel like I have no energy to put towards this relationship, too.
I am lonely. I have been very lonely ever since my ex-partner died. I was angry towards them but deep down, I still loved them very much and hoped that they would get it together so that we could date again. But obviously, they never did. But it is incredibly selfish of me to take my loneliness and do things that are harming other people. By knowing that I do not love the other person and staying with them despite this, I am hurting them. I tell them that my low energy level is temporary. But I know I am stalling. I’m stalling from dealing with bigger issues. I am a shitty person and I know I need to stop this. It’s hard. It is easy to read this and say, “wow you’re being really fucking shitty, like, stop.” That’s what I would think, at least. I guess there’s just so much more going on. I thought at one point that I loved this person. But once my ex died, I realized that I didn’t.

-My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall. 5MG to start with. I feel like this is good. I had been getting adderall in unethical ways (lol???) because I knew something was wrong. Not recreationally. But I used it when I needed to study. It helped a lot. I took the test they give you when assessing if this is something you might have, and apparently, I scored high enough on a clinical level. So I feel like even though I was first getting the medication in unethical ways, I wasn’t doing it to harm myself. I knew the implications and I knew that it was bad. But I did it because I thought it would be better for me and it would help me. That sounds like what a drug addict would say tbh but like, it did help me. And it turns out, I do have what I was expecting. I’ve only taken the 5mg pill once, as I’m currently on break from courses and don’t really have something I need to focus on. I don’t want to become dependent on these, either. But the time that I did take it, I felt like it worked. Not for long, but it did for a bit. Was it psychological? Maybe. But it still worked.

-I go back to school in two weeks. I am excited only because I want to be done. I am tired of being stuck in the limbo that is prerequisite courses. I should have been done two years ago. But I got really bad because of my mental health, and only recently got better because I learned how to reach out for help, if I needed it. I want so badly to get into the program because I feel ready to move forward. It isn’t just the rebellious teenager still living inside of me wanting to leave home. It’s feeling like, I am almost 21 (next month) and I should have gotten it together by now. I should have a career by now. I know that there is no time when someone “should” have their shit together. But this is never what I wanted for myself. Shit happens, I know. Life goes on, I know. But this is not what I envisioned my future to be.

 

Speaking of my future, sometimes I am really amazed and even proud of myself for even still being alive. Not in the way that a higher being has allowed me to live one more day. But in the sense that I have literally thought about suicide every single day since I’ve been 12 so like, it is really an anomaly lol. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting. Fleeting in the way that something bad will happen and I’ll immediately think, “fuck this sucks, I want to kill myself.” Sometimes it is more serious, and I will have a blade to my wrists or neck, of have a handful of pills ready in my hand. I’ve attempted in the past, but that was years ago. I think that the last time I seriously attempted was when I was 16. That was a long time ago, wow, I’m just realizing this. I guess I’m just proud of myself to be able to push through. I guess it is surprising to me that I am still alive. I always said to myself that I thought I would never live to be in my 20’s, because of my mental illness. Because I think of suicide so often. Sometimes i still think, wow, I’ll never get to my 30’s and I’ll never have a career or a stable relationship because it’s bound to happen soon.

Baby steps, I guess.

 

So that’s that. There’s what has been happening the last month. Most of the time, I come on here to talk about bad things happening in my life. I feel like that’s how it is for a lot of people that are mentally ill, or even people that are not mentally ill. We want to reach out to people and talk about ourselves when things are rough. We want advice and we want to be comforted. If things are going well, we don’t need to be comforted in the same sense. We are ok, we are sane, if only momentarily. So I guess that’s why a lot of my posts are mostly negative.

On being in a new relationship

SO I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here, but I got in a new relationship. I did this a month before Molly died. I think I unconsciously did it out of spite.

The person and I have been seeing each other since March, first casually and then romantically. I do love them, and they say that they love me. They said it first, actually. But I don’t know if I’m ready.. And honestly I don’t know if I’m saying it back out of habit.

I like telling people I love them. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like they know I care about them. And I care about this person a lot. But I feel like…because I never really got over Molly, I compare them a lot. And Molly always wins. This person has issued with codependency and I do too so it’s not like I can be so critical. But it just gets to be too much sometimes honestly.

I guess.. It’s not so much that THEY are too much. I’m just kind of emotionally unavailable right now. I think about Molly ALL the time. So much. And I miss her so, so much. I cry nearly every day about her. And I’m SO busy right now. I’m trying to apply to a professional program and I’m so busy trying to get my grades up.

I know that I should be socializing but it also feels like being in a relationship really deters me and holds me back for some things. It’s different when you see someone casually. Sure, you can message each other often, but there isn’t or shouldn’t be expected anything in the end. IMO.

I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship. I didn’t think about how busy I would be. I didn’t know that Molly would die.

But relationships are a lot of work. It isn’t jus them that can be too much. It’s me too. And it is so emotionally draining. They’ll get upset because I can’t hang out as often as they want. I’ll get upset because they suck ass at talking via text messages.

I HAVE thought about breaking up with them. But I feel so bad. They really like me and I wish I could like them as much as they like me. But I can’t right now. 

I don’t want to hurt their feelings because they say this is the first “healthy” relationship they’ve been in. We are FB official so I also feel like it’d be fucked up and embarrassing on my part too to change it to single after only a few months. Idk!! I’m struggling and I wish there was an easy answer. 

I know they wouldn’t want to stay friends afterwards and that sucks too. 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m making poor, impulsive choices and it is fucking everything up. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m overwhelmed or if it’s really how I feel.