Tag Archives: ocd

Failure

I am probably going to fail another class. I spoke with my professor about taking an incomplete. He said that it would probably be better to withdraw from the college and attempt when I feel better. Going back to the cycle. It never ends.

I can’t help but think that sometimes I use my mental illness as an excuse. But is it really an excuse? I feel like I’m being manipulative. I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid that I let myself get to this point again.

I feel really fucking shitty.I feel hopeless and like I’ll never reach my goals. I feel like there’s so many people exactly like me, too. Bipolar, with big dreams. I haven’t accomplished anything and I’m in debt from my failed attempts. 

Was it ever attainable? Or have I always been kidding myself? Is this growing up? Or growing pains?

I don’t know if I’ll ever pull it together.

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New Relationship

I haven’t talked about this yet, but I’m in a relationship with someone! We have been talking since

September, hanging out a lot since January, and we just officially started dating last week. Though, we have been acting like a couple for a long while now.
**Side note: this is NOT the person I was seeing around october-december as a fling.

I’m really happy and I really like them. I think that it’s a good thing that we hung out A LOT before becoming official. It makes me feel like this is something that will not be so temporary.

Today, I brought up Molly. I don’t remember how she was brought up but eventually, I just came out and told him that I was in a serious relationship with someone for two years and then they died.
They said, that they didn’t want to tell me, but that they had found my instagram before we had met in January. And so they saw the post I made when Molly passed away. But since he didn’t think I wanted him to see that, he just never said anything about it. I think that was really nice of him… to have let me tell him when I feel ready to tell him, rather than him asking because he’s curious. I don’t know. That kind of really meant a lot to me.
I told him that I hadn’t come out with it at first because I didn’t want him to think I had a lot of baggage, because even though I am sad every day about her and I cry about her a lot, I think that I manage my grief well. I am at a place where I don’t let it interfere with my personal relationships anymore. I don’t try to isolate and feed into the sadness.

I asked him if it made him nervous or uncomfortable, that I had loved someone so much and still feel so much grief, but am dating him. He said no, and that he understands. He said that he thinks I’m really strong emotionally and mentally and that he doesn’t know how he’d be if he went through something similar.

It was such a huge fucking relief. It has been something that I think about all the time… needing to tell him about Molly. But I hadn’t because I was afraid of what he might think. I’m so glad that he’s so understanding and talked about it with me. It just felt really supportive from his end. It is hard to talk about with anyone. I don’t talk about it with anyone, really, because the feelings are still very raw. I think that they will still be raw for a very, very long time.

But this is a really good step forward for me and I wanted to share this moment with you guys because it was really important to me.

 

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Update: 4/26/17

Life has been ok lately.

I started the new school term early April. I’m maybe three weeks into the term. It hasn’t been terribly bad but I’m also slacking in, you guessed it, anatomy. It’s so hard to remember so much. But I have to get a good grade because my gpa sucks 😦

A girl that I had started becoming good friends with loved to Alaska. I’m really sad about it. We text every day but I wish we could actually hang out in person. She was a good influence in the sense that she was also bipolar so it felt good to have someone that also went through the same things I do.

I’ve been seeing someone seriously since January. We had been talking since September but since I was so infatuated with that other asshole, I wasn’t really paying attention to this one. He is really nice.

We aren’t casual. But we aren’t in a relationship. I hate being in a relationship without a relationship title. 

Backstory: his job is in demand and recruiters from all states are often calling him and offering him bonus’ as an incentive to move. He got an offer in chicago that he said he would be considering in June.

Last night, he was drunk and suddenly said, “I think I would feel bad if I asked you to be my girlfriend and then two months later, had to move for my job.” Naturally, I am hurt. Deep down, i already knew that this was the case. But I was hoping so much that it wasn’t. I am so naive so much of the time, it’s ridiculous. Rationally, i know I should appreciate his honesty and I know I should be pragmatic. But I get so emotional so fast. When I fall for someone, i fall hard. I put a lot of myself to show how I feel about them.

So I’m feeling stupid because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of showing small acts of “”love”” and it feels like it’s for no reason. It now feels like I’m just being lead on or more, being strung along. I don’t think that it’s fair for me to be involved romantically with someone exclusively only to be waiting for the expiration date. 

My friend asked me, “does he make you happy? Do you have a good time with him? Maybe you should just ride it out.” And I certainly do. I love spending time with him and I love being around him. But I don’t know that I can just ride it out. I feel too move I think for that to be healthy for me. I am too sensitive.

It is also a little confusing for my heart. The other day, he said that he could get a spare key for his apartment, so I could come and go as I please. That’s obviously not casual relationship behavior. So everything is feeling so intense without there being a reason for me to take it so intensely.

It is something I have to think about because I don’t want him to leave while I’m still involved, and have myself fall into a deep depression because of it. Wouldn’t it be better to just let go now? Wouldn’t it be easier in the long run? When I fall into situations like this, letting go for me means ghosting. It means telling them, “this isn’t working out, k thnx bye,” blocking them, and just pushing them out of my life. I hate to do that because I feel so much for him.

I don’t really know what to do.

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

I traced my fingers along his skin

I’ve been talking to a boy since early September (no, not the guy I was having a fling with), and he is a really nice guy. We hadn’t met up until recently because I was always busy and I was also deeply infatuated with that other guy, you know?

So we hung out maybe a month ago and he was really cool and we have kept talking. We went out to dinner Friday and didn’t realize how quickly it got dark. I said that I couldn’t do anything afterwards because I’m scared of driving in the dark, which I am. He offered to let stay the night at his place. I agreed.

So we drank. I don’t really drink so I didn’t drink much, but he did. So we were both drunk, but I just wasn’t drunk for as long as he was. We kissed and fooled around.

Anyways, I won’t give the whole story because I don’t think it’s relevant.

But I kind of actually like this guy. And that is a scary feeling. I haven’t actually liked someone in a really long time. Probably since Molly, and that was literally a year ago. Also, wow, can you believe that? It’s been a year since I saw Molly and expressed how much I loved her. That hurts.
But anyways. I didn’t really like my last girlfriend. I think I just dated her because I was angry at Molly. That feels shitty too.
The last guy I thought I liked, I didn’t actually like. I was just infatuated.

But I’ve been talking to this particular person for months. They know so much about me I think. But I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper. I don’t want that. I fall so hard, so fast, so easily. That is exactly what’s happening. I want to talk to him a lot, but I also don’t want to be dumb and clingy. So I stop, just like I am right now. And I am depressed. I have been feeling really depressed lately anyways, so this is just elevating those feelings. I’m scared I am being used. I always worry about that. But it scares me so much more this time since I actually like this person.

I want to withdraw and stop talking to them, before I get hurt. I know I’m going to get hurt. But that would be cowardly, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t want to face my feelings and I don’t want to talk about them. I haven’t told this person about my mental illness, and I don’t know how he would even react. I don’t know that I want to find out. I guess that makes it all harder because I want to talk about things or bring things up, but I fear that I’m just going to be seen as too intense or just fucking crazy.

What a terrible feeling…to like someone, but feel like you should withdraw in an attempt to not get hurt. These thoughts alone already hurt.

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Cue internal screaming

Heeeeere we ago, another dating story.

So I went on a date with this guy I met over tinder. He’s a chef at a super popular restaurant downtown. We decided that to meet, we were going to meet over pho. 

I got there and I HONESTLY thought that things were going really well. I don’t think it was just me being deluded lol because he would definitely talk to me, and laugh at he jokes I made and blah blah. Like he legit seemed interested. We talked a lot and the pho was great and he said it has been the best pho he’s had since moving to this city.

So we hugged and we left and that was that. He ended by saying, “I’ll text you later, ok?”

Normal, right?

Well not so fucking normal st all! Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. I was super disappointed and told one of my girlfriends and she said to text him. That’s reasonable, we’re not in the stone ages anymore where it’s bad for women to make the first move, right? So I text him saying that I had a nice time and that I hope he got home safe.

Nothing.

I have him on snapchat and like the crazy bitch I am, I posted a snapchat of myself specifically to see if it showed that he viewed it. He did. 

I’m so annoyed! I’m annoyed especially because it felt like nothing went wrong and it actually felt like things went right. I wasn’t weird, and I wasn’t too awkward. I have multiple full body shots on tinder so even though I’m a chunky princess, there’s no damn way you wouldn’t have known. Plus, he was a lil chunky too so ???

Ugh I dunno man. I’m just feeling super disappointed. Additionally, I hate when people are like, “yeah I want to hang or again! Or I’ll text you later!” And they’re only saying it to be nice. Like, can you just reject me on the spot or be an asshole so I don’t start fantasizing about smooching you? 🙄

Anyways. That was that and this is this. Annoying.

Life Right Now…

Has been very hectic. I am constantly working overtime, and even coming right after class on my days off, when I have school, so that I can get more hours. I didn’t really get financial aid assistance and taking out more loans makes me super nervous. I have a loan that I had taken out in 2014 for when I went to university and it was a lot. I obviously didn’t continue going to that university and honestly, I feel super guilty about that loan all the time because my dad cosigned for it. At one point, I felt really depressed and suicidal over it. But, I couldnt actually harm myself since my dad cosigned and if I wasn’t alive, then he would have to taken on my burden and that would make me feel worse.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been working a lotttttt. I am part time but I am working hours that make me closer to full-time…without the benefits. I also took on too many credits for school. Last term I was taking 9, with just anatomy and chemistry and it was really hard. I took on 15 this term because two of those classes are sociology classes. I took them on because they seemed like easy courses and I really need my GPA to be higher. And they are easy. But it is extra work and it takes longer to finish than I had anticipated. So that’s going on as well.

I honestly haven’t had any time to be with friends, but I really try to squeeze someone in if I really want to see them. I went on a date the other day and it went good.. I think. It was someone that I had been talking to since literally September. But I had been seeing that dumb guy from before until last month and because I was so into him, I didn’t try to make time to meet anyone else. It went well, I think. He said he wants to hang out again. He was nice.

Speaking about the dumb guy.. I had been seeing him since early September and literally stopped talking to him the last day of 2016. At the time, I didn’t have the intention of never talking to him again. But then he wouldn’t text me first.. and because I feel like I often text people first all the time, I didn’t want to do it again. Needless to say, up to this day, I still have not received the first text I wanted. I definitely felt hurt in the beginning, and very angry. I still feel upset to be honest. I am more at peace with the fact that we aren’t seeing each other and I don’t wish him any harm and have no ill feelings. But I guess it just isn’t a good feeling just to be dropped like that, you know?
I guess I should consider it a blessing in disguise, since I was so stupidly infatuated and he wasn’t and would take advantage of it. I deleted him from my phone contacts. I have yet to delete him on social media but have only allowed myself until the end of the month to mourn the whole shebang. One more day until I force myself to amputate this dead relationship. It doesn’t feel very good because this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I think it’s a little funny because in late December, I had mentioned to him that I think it’s nice that we stayed friends and were constantly talking.. he had agreed.

I’m talking to two other people right now, besides the guy I went on a date with. I haven’t met either of them yet. I am supposed to be hanging out with one of them sometime soon. The other day, they told me that they “like” me, and they meant it in a way that is beyond platonic and beyond puppy love feelings I think. He is on the older side, and I get the impression that he is just lonely. It is obviously just infatuation. Saying that though, makes me feel a little bad. Because I clearly get infatuated so fucking easily. I guess we’ll see how things go.
I just started talking to the other guy and he seems cool and interesting. He is closer to my age. I don’t know enough about him to really say if I like him or now (jk, didn’t I just say I get infatuated really easily?)

 

I’ve been pretty stable for a while, too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had serious suicidal thinking in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. The last time I felt really bad and suicidal way probably the end of last school-term. So.. early December? I guess it just feels like I long time because I have a breakdown literally every single month. But I’ve been doing all right. Maybe I’m just keeping myself busy enough that I don’t even really have time for those kinds of thoughts. On that note, I am proud of myself for relatively keeping on top of all of my responsibilities. I have not fallen behind in homework or in my courses yet. I’m definitely struggling with chemistry and anatomy, as they are my hardest classes. I actually have an anatomy exam later today, which I don’t feel too great about. But I know that I haven’t invested enough time in that class and that it is just a matter of studying more. I’m not feeling amazing but I’m not feeling terrible. I’m also not just miserably pushing through each day. I’m just…ok.

 

So! That’s life right now. I’m drowning in homework and adore the attention I’m receiving. What’s new?

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First Bad Day At Work

I mentioned this on a post a while back, but I got a new job about a month ago. I started during the last days of November so I’ve basically only been here for a month. I work at a funeral home.

I have never really had a bad day up until yesterday.. I hadn’t really gotten annoyed or frustrated up until this point. Even now, it isn’t really that I’m annoyed but I’m more just upset.

What happened is that two weeks ago, I fell at work on my back. I didn’t have any problems initially but maybe 4 days later, I started getting really bad aches and pains and right now, the pain is really bad and it hurts a lot. It is sort of a constant pain, but certain things make it worse. Such as standing for more than 1o minutes, walking, bending, turning… a lot of things. It doesn’t prevent me from doing my duties. But it makes it harder because it is really painful.

The week of the accident, my official boss was out for vacation. And so I didn’t mention the accident until a week later, when he came back. He told me to go to the doctor and that since I had insurance, he would reimburse me for the copay and the medicine. He was nice about it and I felt relieved because he said, “go to the doctor on the clock and it’s fine.” I went to the doctor yesterday and they told me that I was having a lot of muscle spasms. I asked how they could tell and my doctor said, “when I run my hands down your back, it is very bumpy.”
So, they told me I had to get an x-ray because it felt bad, and just for extra reassurance that nothing was broken. I had texted my employer as soon as they told me and they did not respond. I called them before I got the x-ray and he wasn’t happy.. he was like, “well, this isn’t what we discussed and so I’m sorry that you wasted your time going and wasted my time since I have to file a workers comp claim anyway.” and that kind of threw me off because I mean.. He told me to go to the doctor and that “we would go from there.” I interpreted it as, go to the doctor and don’t mention that it happened at work unless it’s something serious. You don’t just get x-rays for fun, and so I took that as being like, “oh, shit, this could be bad.”
My employer said that he would pay for my copay and my medication, but who was going to pay for my x-ray? My insurance doesn’t cover that, and that’s another reason why I panicked.

I got back to work and it felt like my employer’s demeanor towards me had completely changed. Up until now, he had been really nice and I had heard that he could get moody but I hadn’t experienced it so, I dunno. It was just very off-putting. He wasn’t mean but he just felt cold and the things he was saying confused me a little. He said, “you know, I can’t keep you from falling on the ice in the parking lot but if you feel that you can’t stay safe, then just stay at home.”
If someone said that to you, wouldn’t it be off-putting? It isn’t explicitly mean or rude. But it just made me really uncomfortable. A little later on he was saying that he didn’t mean to be snarky but that we hadn’t discussed filing a claim and now that he hadn’t filed one in ten years, and now his insurance was going to go up blahblah. He was like, “I just want to clarify that I would have happily paid for your expenses but now that I have to file the claim, I can’t do that so I’m just going to leave it up to them completely.”

I felt really bad the entire day and it wasn’t a good feeling to have heard those things. I didn’t feel bad necessarily. I don’t think that it was my fault that I fell. I wasn’t being reckless or anything. It just happened. But the feelings I was feeling was more of disappointing, failure, and hopelessness. They were brought on by the fact that I have been trying really, really hard to make a good impression at this job. I have literally taken on anything that they have asked of me and have gone out of my way to take on more duties. Not that they aren’t paying me adequately, but I am making the extra effort, you know?
The other person that shares my job doesn’t do anything with the bodies. Our job is technically only involved in clerical type duties. But I would always be up for helping dress someone and I recently even did someone’s nails because my boss didn’t know anyone that would be up for it. Like, for god’s sake, I really fucking tried, ok?
I did not seek this job. They sought me out. And so I have been trying really hard to make it  seem like I’m not just some dumbass kid and that it was actually worth hiring me, especially since they wanted someone full time but I can only do part time because of school. I have just been seeking that approval a lot. And I have been getting it and have been getting great feedback. But this incident just made me feel terrible. As if it was all for nothing.

You know me and my mental illness… I pity myself and guilt myself to the point where it really takes a toll on me. And that’s been the case with this. I know that it really isn’t my fault. But that doesn’t relieve the feeling of feeling like all the effort I put into trying to make a good impression went to waste since my boss got upset with me. It’s just not a good feeling. I really wanted to cry all day at work and teared up throughout the day but crying at work would have only made things worse. I already felt like a failure and I didn’t want to come off looking like more of a failure than I already seemed.

The first diagnosis I ever got prior to being diagnosed with major depression and bipolar is having OCD around social situations. I will always always always take things personally and will always think that someone doesn’t like me –despite having no real evidence that they do, or despite them telling me that they do like me. It’s been an issue in romantic relationships because I need the constant validation that they actually do like me and aren’t just faking it. I try t not take things so personally. But my way of thinking gets so skewed and so extreme so quickly. It is hard to stop thinking the way I do.

Anyways, the point of saying that is that I am having obsessive thoughts about the whole thing and am analyzing and replaying the entire incident and encounter over and over in my mind.

I am not feeling good and no form of validation from my friends or family has alleviated these feelings. It feels stupid to say but I hadn’t been feeling depressed of anything since school ended on the 16th of December. But this just really triggered a lot of bad feelings and honestly, any little thing makes my mood completely flip. I’m feeling really bad and depressed and I’m not having good thoughts. I am having a lot of bad, destructive thoughts.

I just wanted to vent a little bit because I don’t want to keep hashing this out with my IRL friends and family.

 

Me, basically:

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I should have ghosted llloolllll

My therapist said that I should apologize to the guy mentioned in my previous post, since I have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills. So I did.

And everything was fine until he wanted to sext me and I said no. And then he tried to make plans with me and I told him I didn’t want to drive late at night especially on NYE. I have PTSD driving at night, and add the added stress of being worried about drunk drivers… nah.

Then he got upset 


Like!! Do you think I give a fuck!

I don’t need someone that tries to guilt me into doing more things with them. I’m busy, I’m anxious, I’m mentally ill. I don’t need this shit. I will unapologetically cut you off and I will not regret it.

Does he not know what a queen I am? 

Who just says this shit?

Fuck that.

💅🏽

A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.