I traced my fingers along his skin

I’ve been talking to a boy since early September (no, not the guy I was having a fling with), and he is a really nice guy. We hadn’t met up until recently because I was always busy and I was also deeply infatuated with that other guy, you know?

So we hung out maybe a month ago and he was really cool and we have kept talking. We went out to dinner Friday and didn’t realize how quickly it got dark. I said that I couldn’t do anything afterwards because I’m scared of driving in the dark, which I am. He offered to let stay the night at his place. I agreed.

So we drank. I don’t really drink so I didn’t drink much, but he did. So we were both drunk, but I just wasn’t drunk for as long as he was. We kissed and fooled around.

Anyways, I won’t give the whole story because I don’t think it’s relevant.

But I kind of actually like this guy. And that is a scary feeling. I haven’t actually liked someone in a really long time. Probably since Molly, and that was literally a year ago. Also, wow, can you believe that? It’s been a year since I saw Molly and expressed how much I loved her. That hurts.
But anyways. I didn’t really like my last girlfriend. I think I just dated her because I was angry at Molly. That feels shitty too.
The last guy I thought I liked, I didn’t actually like. I was just infatuated.

But I’ve been talking to this particular person for months. They know so much about me I think. But I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper. I don’t want that. I fall so hard, so fast, so easily. That is exactly what’s happening. I want to talk to him a lot, but I also don’t want to be dumb and clingy. So I stop, just like I am right now. And I am depressed. I have been feeling really depressed lately anyways, so this is just elevating those feelings. I’m scared I am being used. I always worry about that. But it scares me so much more this time since I actually like this person.

I want to withdraw and stop talking to them, before I get hurt. I know I’m going to get hurt. But that would be cowardly, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t want to face my feelings and I don’t want to talk about them. I haven’t told this person about my mental illness, and I don’t know how he would even react. I don’t know that I want to find out. I guess that makes it all harder because I want to talk about things or bring things up, but I fear that I’m just going to be seen as too intense or just fucking crazy.

What a terrible feeling…to like someone, but feel like you should withdraw in an attempt to not get hurt. These thoughts alone already hurt.

In Light of Internal Screaming

In my last post, I explained how I was ghosted by this boy I had gone on a date within how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I was super upset and I am still pretty upset. Though this had never happened to me until now, these types of situations are the worst. Because I thought the date went well, and I can’t think of why it wouldn’t have been good, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the kind of closure that I want. It’s not the type of thing where I know I fucked up and I can say, “oh, well I was a little too nervous or annoying so that’s why he didn’t text back and that’s fine.” But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t too nervous and I wasn’t annoying.

This isn’t even really about the boy. Because the boy is whatever, he can go do whatever he wants. But the negative feelings I am having are in relation to the rejection I am feeling. I could say, “fuck that guy,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel weird about it all.

I guess I just knew why. Not that it would really matter, you know? It’s not like I want to know why just to try to change how I interact with others. But I just want to have the closure of knowing whyyyy.

I’ve been feeling pretty insecure because of being rejected. I know that’s silly since I’m being this way over a guy I had just met. It just brought up a lot of negative feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. and they’ve been bad feelings.

I guess I’m also not feeling myself because in a few days, it’ll be the anniversary of the last time I saw Molly. I miss her a lot. I remember everything about that day.

The other day, I was reading a post about a book someone had made about the last message someone received from someone –whether it was from an ex-lover, or from someone that died. It made me feel bad.

The last message Molly sent me was a video of herself at the beach. She wrote, “I’m sorry about what I said to you. I was out of line.”

I never replied. I’m crying as I write this haha. I just have so many regrets about what happened with us. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her.

Cue internal screaming

Heeeeere we ago, another dating story.

So I went on a date with this guy I met over tinder. He’s a chef at a super popular restaurant downtown. We decided that to meet, we were going to meet over pho. 

I got there and I HONESTLY thought that things were going really well. I don’t think it was just me being deluded lol because he would definitely talk to me, and laugh at he jokes I made and blah blah. Like he legit seemed interested. We talked a lot and the pho was great and he said it has been the best pho he’s had since moving to this city.

So we hugged and we left and that was that. He ended by saying, “I’ll text you later, ok?”

Normal, right?

Well not so fucking normal st all! Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. I was super disappointed and told one of my girlfriends and she said to text him. That’s reasonable, we’re not in the stone ages anymore where it’s bad for women to make the first move, right? So I text him saying that I had a nice time and that I hope he got home safe.

Nothing.

I have him on snapchat and like the crazy bitch I am, I posted a snapchat of myself specifically to see if it showed that he viewed it. He did. 

I’m so annoyed! I’m annoyed especially because it felt like nothing went wrong and it actually felt like things went right. I wasn’t weird, and I wasn’t too awkward. I have multiple full body shots on tinder so even though I’m a chunky princess, there’s no damn way you wouldn’t have known. Plus, he was a lil chunky too so ???

Ugh I dunno man. I’m just feeling super disappointed. Additionally, I hate when people are like, “yeah I want to hang or again! Or I’ll text you later!” And they’re only saying it to be nice. Like, can you just reject me on the spot or be an asshole so I don’t start fantasizing about smooching you? 🙄

Anyways. That was that and this is this. Annoying.