Monthly Archives: June 2016

Goodbye, Molly

When I first learned that Molly passed away, my world turned upside down. I blamed myself so much for so many things. I blamed myself for her death. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. I was looking at our entire relationship and friendship through rose-colored glasses.When she passed away, I thought that she was the best girlfriend ever and that she was incredibly supportive.

And she was. Initially. But the last year of our relationship was not good. The last year of our relationship, she had been in and out of rehabs. I kept draining myself and pushing myself beyond my limits just to try to help her.

So, yes, I loved her so incredibly much. But I had also started to let go because she wasn’t capable of loving me. And I wasn’t content loving someone that wasn’t able to love me back.
Initially, I blamed myself for cutting her off. I blamed myself for starting to let go of her. I blamed myself because I thought, what if she kept using and died because she was sad about me?

But I can’t be that vain. Molly was an addict. She would have used even if she wasn’t thinking of me. And even if she was sad about me, yes, that makes me feel sad and bad. But I was doing so badly and I wasn’t taking care of myself because I tried to take care of her. I was putting all of my energy into her. I would starve myself and cut myself to feel better. I know that cutting her out of my life was the best decision for me.
I will always cherish the memories we shared. But I can’t keep thinking that our relationship was beautiful and perfect. Because that’s not the way it ended up being. 

She was a beautiful person and had a beautiful heart. She loved me so well, when she was capable of it. But her addiction ruined so many things. Ultimately, it ruined us.
I can’t keep blaming myself for things that she did. I cannot blame myself for her death.


Update: my ex girlfriend died

I was told yesterday that my ex girlfriend died of an overdose. I feel very numb and I’m confused about my feelings. I’m so incredibly sad but I feel like I’m numb because I am finding it so hard to believe. I want so badly for this to not be real and I wish I could just go on believing that everything is ok and that she’s ok.

But she’s gone. And I’m so sad because I know she didn’t mean to die. She didn’t want to die. She had just become an aunt and she had just begun therapy. Everything was coming up for her. But her fucking addiction was in control of her life. I know she didn’t want to die. She used because she wanted to get out of her feelings and not deal with them for just a little while.

I hadn’t talked to her in months. We had gotten in a fight and I had decided to cut her out of my life because I wanted to move on. Our relationship had become volatile and it was something that, at that moment, couldn’t go any further. But we always said we were soul mates and that in the future, if she got better, we would maybe try again. The last thing she said to me was that she was sorry for all the mean things she had said to me last time we talked. I never responded.

She never got better. She only got worse. And now she’s dead. And I feel so fucking bad and guilty that I hadn’t been talking to her. 

She helped me through so much. And I feel so fucking bad that I couldn’t help her with her addiction. 

I can’t believe she’s gone. I’m finding it really hard to accept this.