reflecting

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On my last text post, I talked about how it felt like I had been dumped even though I wasn’t even really dating the guy. It still feels that way. I have snapchat, and for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s just sharing moments in real-time and then you can see who has looked at the things you shared. They don’t have to “like” anything, but you can see who has viewed it. I can see that this boy has viewed everything that I have posted.

I am still feeling hurt. But I am also taking this into perspective. I don’t know what happened and why he stopped talking to me. But it’s not like I’ve tried talking to him either. I think he started seeing someone, however, I assume a lot of things. Nevertheless, here’s what I’ve been thinking.

I was feeling really fucking angry with him and I think that that’s valid because no one likes to be rejected, right?

I have a tumblr that I’ve had for six years and I’ve always used it as a part-time blog. But I haven’t been posting serious text posts like this so much because I feel like I annoy all the people that follow me. I have a good amount of followers, but all of them are pretty young. And I guess that I’m young too, but for these kinds of posts, I want to be taken seriously. And no one wants to scroll through their dashboard, hoping to find cool memes and funny pictures only to stumble upon a long-ass post like this about how depressed I am. Which is why I’ve used this more as an outlet.

Anyways, I posted about this boy on that tumblr. And someone replied that they were in the same situation, but that they don’t hate the guy for it because they are glad that they had met him.

It really got me thinking. I don’t think that I hate this boy either. I do feel really upset. But that’s mostly me being upset at my own insecurities and feeling upset at the mistakes that I made. But even if I were to be mad at him, I don’t think that I can feel too mad.

I’m 21. He’s 28. That’s a big age difference. I already knew from the start that it wouldn’t work out because we are also pretty different. And it’s not even the age difference, but I feel that he was pretty immature. I’m not just saying that because I’m upset, but I’ve always felt that way.
I also am thinking, he’s 28 and has never really been in a long-term relationship. Long-term meaning longer than 6-months. If he has found someone, then I should be happy for him, even if I feel hurt. Shouldn’t I feel happy for someone for finding someone they are compatible with? If he’s that old, and hast found someone to be happy with for a long while, then I should feel hopeful for him. I am 21 and I have already had several long-term relationships, even if some of them were when I was super young and was more “puppy love-esque.” I have already had a great love with someone, to the point where I really loved them and wanted to marry them.

On some level, I am also glad that he stopped talking to me. I am glad because on several occasions, which I think I’ve talked about on here, he was kind of an asshole to me. But I kept it up because it felt good to be wanted. I know that if he hadn’t ended it, I would still keep it going. I would still be torturing myself by being with someone who wasn’t into me in the way that I wanted, and that also wanted really that nice to me. But it wasn’t all that bad. I did have a good time with him when we would be together. I did like them even on a platonic level.

I do hope that he found someone. I hope that if he has found someone, that he stays with them for a while. I remember that he had once told me that he does want kids. I dunno. I guess it just feels to me that 28 is really old, in the sense of not ever having been in a long-term relationship while also having the longing of wanting kids. I guess it just makes me feel bad a little, and I don’t feel that I should be angry at someone if that is what they are seeking.

Maybe I’m thinking about this in a completely naive way. I’m pretty naive. But I also feel like if I don’t think about it this way, that I will get super depressed and that the anger will weigh me down. So I prefer to stay naive.

Getting dumped when you were never in a relationship

I feel like I’ve been dumped. I’m pretty sure that the guy I had been casually seeing since September has started seeing someone seriously. We haven’t talked in two weeks so I’m not *positive* but there’s no god damn way now that I’m going to text him.

I know that we were never exclusive. But I just literally feel soooo dispensable. It isn’t a good feeling. I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with this guy, as I’ve had these feelings before. But the times before were always my own insecurity. He wasn’t seeing anyone but rather, it was just me and my bipolar mind being like, “lol no one likes you.”

When I broke up with the last girlfriend I had, I met him that same day. He was my rebound, basically. But I got attached. I’m still attached.

Honestly I knew that this would eventually happen but I’m feeling really annoyed that I wasn’t the one to be in a relationship first and I’m still not over him. I’m annoyed that I invested so much emotional energy into someone that literally did not care about me for four months and only wanted to fuck me.

I just feel really stupid! I put myself in this situation because I kept the casual relationship going even though I knew I was getting feelings. Even though I knew I was getting hurt, and I was allowing it.

There isn’t really anything to say. I just feel really fucking stupid.

a letter for you

I miss you so, so much. I miss everything about you and I miss all the moments we shared. I miss all the moments that we didn’t get to share and I miss the things that we were supposed to do together. I miss you, completely, entirely.

So much has been happening since you died. Saying passed away doesn’t really seem right, as you didn’t die of a natural cause. I have been trying really hard in school, or so it feels like. I got a new job, and quit that job for a better job. The job I have now is working at a funeral home. It is a little funny how death follows you around. Working here has been a different experience than I thought it would be. It isn’t scary. And I don’t see the bodies as being alive.. if that makes sense. They are just bodies. There is no one there.
Seeing it that way makes it a lot less scary. I have realized that often times, the funerals that are being held are more for the families and friends to get closure. Seeing heir loved one in such a state can really solidify the fact that they are no longer there.

I think that that’s one of the things I am still sad about. I never got to see you. The last time I had officially seen you was on Valentine’s Day. How fucking terrible. I’m sad that even though you were cremated, I didn’t get to see or be around your ashes. I think that seeing that would have really made me feel at peace. You weren’t happy in this life anyways. And you weren’t even really “living” anymore. You were trying to get by the best you could. That also makes me sad. But I do wish that I had gotten to see you. Instead, the first I had heard that you had died, I couldnt believe it. I don’t mean that I was in disbelief. I genuinely didn’t believe that you were gone. I tried to see you. I called the morgue that you were in. But they said that I had to pay to come see you and also have permission from the family. I think I would have had a good chance for you r mom to let me see you. But I didn’t have the money they required. So I couldnt see you.

I went to the memorial your town held for you, hoping to have some type of closure there. I ended up feeling angry and I left before the service even started.

Your family released your ashes into the ocean. You always said that you wanted to be a mermaid.

I don’t think that your family likes me very much. And that hurts, because I don’t know that they know the severity of the things that you and I had gone through. I try to look past it. But it just sucks.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I always do. But even more so lately. Bad things have been happening lately and I haven’t been talking about them with anyone. I have been keeping them locked up. I haven’t even really talked about it online. I’m scared I’ll annoy all my online friends too. besides, whenever someone brings you up, I don’t really know what to say. I’m still in shock. But sure enough, I know that I will go home or rush to the bathroom and let a few tears fall out, or just turn into a complete mess.

Something I have been thinking about it how much I took you for granted. You didn’t need to do so many things for me. But you loved me so much that you did. I think that I tried to make up for in when you were going through your addiction. I wanted to be there for you, idk you had been there for me. You had been with me through my worst times, and I wanted to be there for yours. But god damn, it was so hard. It was hard because I loved you so fucking much, that I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted you to get better. I didn’t care about my own mental health. I just wanted you to be ok.

I eventually had to let you go, you see. and it wasn’t because I stopped loving you. But I was so angry with you. I was so angry that you hadn’t beat your addiction, despite having been in and out of rehab so many times that year. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to you for months. I found out through someone else that you had died.

I’m still so fucking sad. I wish you were here more than anything. You were honestly so pure and so good. It was all the addiction turning you differently. Even so, you tried your hardest not to change. You tried so hard to not be a horrible person. I miss everything about you

I miss talking to someone every day abut what happened throughout my day. I miss talking to someone about those things and having them actually listen and give a shit. I miss having someone that isn’t just waiting their turn to talk but rather, is listening to me and gives me feedback about the things I say. I miss being with someone that doesn’t just want to talk about themselves. I miss being with someone that actually cares about how I’m doing. I miss having someone that cares about me and doesn’t just ask, “are you ok?” just to gossip. I miss being able to share the stupidest things with you. I miss the inside jokes we had. I miss being silly with each other. I miss being silly with each other and saying the dumbest, grossest things and still loving each other more and more. I miss having someone that I can talk to about my bad days.

I miss someone that will tell me they are proud of me for even the small things.
No one does that anymore. If I don’t do as well as I would have wanted in a class, there is no, “I am glad you tried your best.”
It is, “why didn’t you do better? all you do is go to school.”
I miss that you would congratulate me on the small things ; like getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to class. I miss you. I miss how supportive you were.

I miss listening to music with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss having you sing to me and play guitar. I miss talking about music. I miss hearing about all the details and the history of certain bands that you know. I miss listening to podcasts with you on rainy days. I miss playing video games with you. I miss having spa days with you. I miss eating together. I miss snacking together. I miss that we wouldn’t judge each other because we were both lil chubby babies and it didn’t matter. I miss sending you pictures of cute, fluffy corgi butts. I miss crying at dog videos with you. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss playing words with friends with you, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

I even miss your snoring. And I even miss when you would randomly fart in the middle of the night when you were sleeping.

I miss doing things with you. I miss going to the lake with you, and to the movies. I miss making plans with you. The reservations you had made in advance on Facebook have expired. You haven’t made a reservation to an event in six months. You never will anymore.

I miss talking to you. You were always one of the only people I actually liked talking on the phone with. I miss that we were both into the same things. I miss being able to talk about stupid shit with you. I miss sending you memes. I miss sending you funny clips. I miss discovering new restaurants with you, even if the food I order is shitty. I miss that you genuinely thought I was beautiful. You weren’t just using me for sex or for validation. You really, actually loved me. And it was so beautiful.

I miss sharing clothes, even though you couldnt fit into mine because I was much shorter than you. I miss cooking and baking together. I miss waking up groggily to the sound of your voice. I miss when you would rub my back just to make me feel good. I miss making playlists for you, and you for me. I miss silly face snapchats. I miss talking about gross situations with you,like whether or not you would eat my toe jam if I offered you money. You always said yes.

I miss literally everything about you. I miss how no one else is like you. It really feels like I will never find anyone as close to being as perfect as you were. You were so selfless. You were the person everyone should strive to be. I miss you so fucking much that it feels like I can’t handle it. It feels like it is too much. I am having a really hard time without you. I am having a hard time coming to terms with your death. In my mind, it still feels like you will come back for some reason. I don’t know. I’m just being stupid. But I miss you so fucking much, I couldnt even explain it even if I tried. My heart feels forever broken. And no one gets it. No one understands. No one could begin to understand the pain I feel from missing you so much. I wish so badly that you would come back. I really, really need you to come back. I really don’t know how much more I can take without you.

First Bad Day At Work

I mentioned this on a post a while back, but I got a new job about a month ago. I started during the last days of November so I’ve basically only been here for a month. I work at a funeral home.

I have never really had a bad day up until yesterday.. I hadn’t really gotten annoyed or frustrated up until this point. Even now, it isn’t really that I’m annoyed but I’m more just upset.

What happened is that two weeks ago, I fell at work on my back. I didn’t have any problems initially but maybe 4 days later, I started getting really bad aches and pains and right now, the pain is really bad and it hurts a lot. It is sort of a constant pain, but certain things make it worse. Such as standing for more than 1o minutes, walking, bending, turning… a lot of things. It doesn’t prevent me from doing my duties. But it makes it harder because it is really painful.

The week of the accident, my official boss was out for vacation. And so I didn’t mention the accident until a week later, when he came back. He told me to go to the doctor and that since I had insurance, he would reimburse me for the copay and the medicine. He was nice about it and I felt relieved because he said, “go to the doctor on the clock and it’s fine.” I went to the doctor yesterday and they told me that I was having a lot of muscle spasms. I asked how they could tell and my doctor said, “when I run my hands down your back, it is very bumpy.”
So, they told me I had to get an x-ray because it felt bad, and just for extra reassurance that nothing was broken. I had texted my employer as soon as they told me and they did not respond. I called them before I got the x-ray and he wasn’t happy.. he was like, “well, this isn’t what we discussed and so I’m sorry that you wasted your time going and wasted my time since I have to file a workers comp claim anyway.” and that kind of threw me off because I mean.. He told me to go to the doctor and that “we would go from there.” I interpreted it as, go to the doctor and don’t mention that it happened at work unless it’s something serious. You don’t just get x-rays for fun, and so I took that as being like, “oh, shit, this could be bad.”
My employer said that he would pay for my copay and my medication, but who was going to pay for my x-ray? My insurance doesn’t cover that, and that’s another reason why I panicked.

I got back to work and it felt like my employer’s demeanor towards me had completely changed. Up until now, he had been really nice and I had heard that he could get moody but I hadn’t experienced it so, I dunno. It was just very off-putting. He wasn’t mean but he just felt cold and the things he was saying confused me a little. He said, “you know, I can’t keep you from falling on the ice in the parking lot but if you feel that you can’t stay safe, then just stay at home.”
If someone said that to you, wouldn’t it be off-putting? It isn’t explicitly mean or rude. But it just made me really uncomfortable. A little later on he was saying that he didn’t mean to be snarky but that we hadn’t discussed filing a claim and now that he hadn’t filed one in ten years, and now his insurance was going to go up blahblah. He was like, “I just want to clarify that I would have happily paid for your expenses but now that I have to file the claim, I can’t do that so I’m just going to leave it up to them completely.”

I felt really bad the entire day and it wasn’t a good feeling to have heard those things. I didn’t feel bad necessarily. I don’t think that it was my fault that I fell. I wasn’t being reckless or anything. It just happened. But the feelings I was feeling was more of disappointing, failure, and hopelessness. They were brought on by the fact that I have been trying really, really hard to make a good impression at this job. I have literally taken on anything that they have asked of me and have gone out of my way to take on more duties. Not that they aren’t paying me adequately, but I am making the extra effort, you know?
The other person that shares my job doesn’t do anything with the bodies. Our job is technically only involved in clerical type duties. But I would always be up for helping dress someone and I recently even did someone’s nails because my boss didn’t know anyone that would be up for it. Like, for god’s sake, I really fucking tried, ok?
I did not seek this job. They sought me out. And so I have been trying really hard to make it  seem like I’m not just some dumbass kid and that it was actually worth hiring me, especially since they wanted someone full time but I can only do part time because of school. I have just been seeking that approval a lot. And I have been getting it and have been getting great feedback. But this incident just made me feel terrible. As if it was all for nothing.

You know me and my mental illness… I pity myself and guilt myself to the point where it really takes a toll on me. And that’s been the case with this. I know that it really isn’t my fault. But that doesn’t relieve the feeling of feeling like all the effort I put into trying to make a good impression went to waste since my boss got upset with me. It’s just not a good feeling. I really wanted to cry all day at work and teared up throughout the day but crying at work would have only made things worse. I already felt like a failure and I didn’t want to come off looking like more of a failure than I already seemed.

The first diagnosis I ever got prior to being diagnosed with major depression and bipolar is having OCD around social situations. I will always always always take things personally and will always think that someone doesn’t like me –despite having no real evidence that they do, or despite them telling me that they do like me. It’s been an issue in romantic relationships because I need the constant validation that they actually do like me and aren’t just faking it. I try t not take things so personally. But my way of thinking gets so skewed and so extreme so quickly. It is hard to stop thinking the way I do.

Anyways, the point of saying that is that I am having obsessive thoughts about the whole thing and am analyzing and replaying the entire incident and encounter over and over in my mind.

I am not feeling good and no form of validation from my friends or family has alleviated these feelings. It feels stupid to say but I hadn’t been feeling depressed of anything since school ended on the 16th of December. But this just really triggered a lot of bad feelings and honestly, any little thing makes my mood completely flip. I’m feeling really bad and depressed and I’m not having good thoughts. I am having a lot of bad, destructive thoughts.

I just wanted to vent a little bit because I don’t want to keep hashing this out with my IRL friends and family.

 

Me, basically:

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I should have ghosted llloolllll

My therapist said that I should apologize to the guy mentioned in my previous post, since I have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills. So I did.

And everything was fine until he wanted to sext me and I said no. And then he tried to make plans with me and I told him I didn’t want to drive late at night especially on NYE. I have PTSD driving at night, and add the added stress of being worried about drunk drivers… nah.

Then he got upset 


Like!! Do you think I give a fuck!

I don’t need someone that tries to guilt me into doing more things with them. I’m busy, I’m anxious, I’m mentally ill. I don’t need this shit. I will unapologetically cut you off and I will not regret it.

Does he not know what a queen I am? 

Who just says this shit?

Fuck that.

💅🏽

The Ghosting

First of all, I see my therapist for the first time in two months today. I didn’t avoid her intentionally. School just got in the way. I’m contemplating if I should or shouldn’t tell her that I’ve been an apologetic floozy. But I’ll save that for another post.

I’ve been going on dates with someone for the past month now. And they were super, super into me and last time we went on a date. They reiterated that they really liked me. They had asked me to be their girlfriend a month ago, which was a terrifying experience and I told them I needed to get to know them better. To be honest, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now.

Ok, back on topic. Soon after this guy asked me to be his girlfriend and after I had said no, I told him that I had bipolar disorder and that I just thought it was something he needed to know. Considering things were getting more serious. I figure that if I’m going to scare someone away, I might as well prepare them with the actual diagnosis as a teaser. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and that we could talk about it more later on.

A few days ago, we were talking and I was sort of asking questions for him to elaborate on some of his interests that he always goes on about. That’s what people do, right? Texting is a big way for me to communicate with my s/o and I need you to type out long ass paragraphs for me to consider dating you.

And he literally shut me up. “Honestly, ask me about this when I’m not at a bar and not via text because I don’t feel like explaining myself.”

Um. Ok.

1. How was I supposed to know you were at a bar

2. Fuck you and eat my ass

Nah, not really. I ignored him for a day until I told him what was bothering me. He apologized and went on to say that he hasn’t been good at talking over text and that he was going to make a conscious effort to be better.

Me, being the insecure bipolar girl that I am, guilted myself into telling him that he didn’t have to and that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place “”lol never mind”” he didn’t respond and after i told him while I was on prescribed ambien that I wanted to see him, he reaponded hooouuurrssss later,

“I want to see you too but this is so confusing.”

I think about that and I want to BARF.
A few weeks ago, he tried to get me to talk dirty to him and after I said no, and then apologized the next day (do you see a pattern?) he said “yeah idk I was confused.”

I think that normally, I would think, “shit, yeah, what am I doing? I’m saying one thing and acting completely different way.”
b u t, I’m also tired of being the crazy one. And I know that that’s how I’m being viewed. I can only imagine him thinking, “so this is what she meant when she said she was bipolar, huh?”

 

I’m annoyed because for someone that was swooning over me pretty hard, everything just sounds so dismissive.
I don’t fucking care if you’re confused. If you’re confused, get un-confused. Figure it out. Tell me how you’re feeling. Ask me ANYTHING. But don’t treat me like I’m the crazy one.

 

I don’t think I will text him back if he tries to talk to me. I think I will need to unfriend him on social media platforms I have him on. I don’t mean to be immature. But it will just be a reminder of one more person that ended up getting wounded in my bipolar battlefield. And I don’t really care if I’m being immature anyways. I shouldn’t have to try so hard with someone I’m not even dating. I just don’t really care enough to want to give him another chance.

I wish I could say I wasn’t sad. I am. I kind of cried about it for a long time. But it’s only because I know that I let me crazy show lol. I’m sad that it feels like I’m getting worse and it sort of feels like I will always be alone. I know that I am actually the one overreacting and I really am being confusing. But can we pretend like I’m not wrong for once? Can we pretend that my reaction is completely reasonable and valid?

Ghosting reflexes have been put into place.
Oh well.
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A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.

my feelings this week

My feelings this week.

I have made a new friends and she’s really great. One of my better friends.
She is also bipolar and we talk all the time and talk to each other about our trash ass decisions, and help each other and validate each others’ trash ass decisions. It’s great.

I am staying the night at her house this weekend. I am stoked because I just need to get distracted. I don’t want to be home and I don’t want to fuck around with men just for the sake of not being home.

I am glad I have her as a friend. She has been there for me when no one else was


Onto the topic of boys (ew, boys). I have still been fucking around with the white boy. The way I see it, is that I currently don’t really care about him or whats going on between us. I like him a lot and care about him. But thinking long run, it would never work out. I wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t like talking every day and knowing how fucking clingy I am, that’s definitely not going to work out. Also, theres been instances where we get into a weird argument and he always wants to be right. That annoys me. It annoys me when someone doesn’t take other points of view into consideration. And that is what he does.

I have been going on dates with another guy. We can call him weird dude because quite frankly, he is a weird dude. He is really sweet, so incredibly nice, and he pays for my things every time we go out. I don’t expect him to because I’m a ~*feminist*~ but it sure feels nice.
However, I don’t think that I share the same feelings that he does. I kissed him a few weeks back and it was weird. That same night, he asked me if that meant that we were mutually exclusive. It freaked me out because that happened so quickly. I told him that I needed more time to hang out with him because I don’t know much about him.

and fair enough for that, right?

But I don’t think we would work out anyways. He is also not a consistent texted and even when he sees that I’m posting something sad on snapchat, he never asks me whats going on or even if I’m ok or even says that he hopes I’m ok. nope. none of that. and i don’t like that either. if you see that I’m having a hard time and you are wanting to be my significant other, then you better fucking care about me and fucking care about my wellbeing. isn’t that fair? to want your partner to care about how you’re doing? I think it is.

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Because of all of this, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts come up. A LOT. It’s been bad. I want to cut myself so badly. I want to take all the pills I have. I just got refills. I know I could do it. But I also know that I won’t. What am I afraid ok? I’m afraid that I’m thinking that heaven is some great thing where all loved ones are reunited. and i’m afraid that once I die, it won’t be like that at all. I will be nothing. absolutely nothing. and that is what I am afraid of.

This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I am so fucking stressed out. I am so tied of being such a disappointment to my parents. I am tired of them just being like “well, ok. you’re going to do whatever you want anyways.” instead of pushing me. They’re tired too. They’re tired of the broken promises and the hope they have to keep getting crushed. I am stupid. I keep feeling like such a fucking failure. I am only 21. But I should have gotten my shit together by now.

I am so fucking sad because I fucking miss my dead ex-girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I know that in this time, she would be telling me that she is so proud of me and that I am trying my best. I miss that she was the only person that was always rooting for me. She always wanted me to do well and she always knew that I would eventually reach my dreams and achieve my goals. It’s been hitting me so hard lately –the fact that she’s gone and will never come back. She was the only person that actually cared about me. She didn’t judge me. In a way, she loved me unconditionally. I miss her so so so fucking much. None of you have any idea. I am hurting so fucking bad.

 

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This was a message I had sent to her after a long day at work. I had recently become store manager and just got piled on a bunch of duties and I had to train myself.She always congratulated me for the little things…like getting out of bed, doing my nails, showing, eating. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. There is no one in my life that just says “you got out of bed today! yay!! I am so proud of you baby girl”

no.
one.

and I miss having that sincere, beautiful love in my life. I miss her so much. I feel so fucking heartbroken. and no one cares.

not applying this year

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I recently told my parents that I will not be applying to the dental hygiene program this year.
I had mentioned it to my mom a few days ago and my reasons were

  1. I have a TERRIBLE gpa right now. it’s terrible from all the times I tried to take a heavy load of difficult college courses even though I was so incredibly unstable.
  2. I am just starting to get better. I feel that if I try to take on too much at once, I will get bad again. I feel that I need to learn how to be “ok” for a little bit and then apply.
  3. I will still be taking classes and will still be working. I am taking classes all the way through summer and due to this, all the extra credits and hopefully good grades will boost my gpa by a lot.
  4. I do not really have anyone I can ask for a referral. I didn’t make strong connections with any professors at this college. The last college I went to was in early 2015 and I doubt that any of my professors then remember enough about me to be able to give an accurate referral.

So those were my reasons.

Last night, I had gotten an application to a particular college that sends the applications over mail. I was able to calculate my entire GPA through it, as I have three different GPA’s from three different colleges I attended. Basically, my gpa right now is 1.93 with all the colleges combined. The MINIMUM you need to be able to get into the DH program is 2.5. I thought that I would make it this term, since I have higher than a 2.00 at the college I’m at. But I forgot that you have to add in all of your transcripts. So I couldn’t even apply if I wanted to because I don’t have the gpa that I need.

I then had to tell both of my parents the news. They were not pleased. They were so incredibly disappointed and upset. I would try to tell them that my gpa didn’t start off well because I tried to do too much when I was clearly unstable.

“here we go again,” they said.

Yes, here we go again. I have absolutely no fucking support in this household. I am grateful that my parents provide for me in ways such as shelter, food, reliable car. But I don’t get any emotional support. Ever. And that weights heavily on me because I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can talk to. My mom often says that if I ever need anything or need someone to talk to, I can go to her. but how am I supposed to WANT to go to her when this is the shit that they pull?

“here we go again with excuses”

like. fuck. give me a fucking break.