Monthly Archives: November 2014

I wish life was easier

Thanksgiving at home was very weird. It felt very foreign, to be home. Home did not feel like home, really. I didn’t really know where anything was anymore and my own dog didn’t recognize me. It took him a while to warm up to me again and even then, his ears weren’t perked up like usual when I neared him. I was basically a stranger to him and he was unsure if I was going to hurt him or not. It made me really sad.

Being at home was so stressful and frustrating. It made me realize how much I like being on my own. And I don’t think that sounds bad or selfish because I’m growing up! I NEED my own space, sometimes I NEED to be alone!
Besides that, we had tamales, pozole, and turkey. Creme brûlée, custard pudding and cheesecake for dessert. It was a huge hassle to make the turkey because we don’t make white people food but ugh we got it as a present from someone so I GUESS we had to make it. Thanksgiving time came along. My grandparents came and my aunt came with my two cousins. It was an OK time. Stressful. I can tell that my grandma’s dementia has gotten way worse since I last saw her. But I mean, it HAS been three months. I wish things didn’t have to be like this. but that’s another story.
We played lotería and gambled money. first twenty-five centy, then fifty cents, and last, one dollar. We played probably ten games total. I never won one single time. I have the worst of luck.
I left “home home” on Saturday because I needed to move into a new dorm because my previous roommates are bitches, as I have talked about them extensively. but anyway. In the timeframe between Wednesday and Saturday, my family members asked me about Jamie but in a condescending way. As if they care about my relationship with them. They’re just looking for something to talk about. Something to talk about because there’s nothing else to talk about in a small town. Shit-talkin two-faced family members. The best kind. The only kind.
The last day I spend with my family. my parents scolded me a lot over what I post on Facebook. They say I shouldn’t try to be an activist or a revolutionary. That I should try to be on everyone’s good side and blahblah. They told me that even though I’m in a bunch of “weird” clubs (LGBT of course is weird in my moms eyes) that I shouldn’t tell my roommate about it. Basically, they were telling me not to be myself. and I came to a new environment to start fresh. To be ME. To start anew. To be able to show parts of me that I wasn’t comfortable showing back in my hometown.
How am I supposed to do so now?
I know that my parents mean well and that they’re trying to protect me but they go about it in the worst ways.
But I already know I’m asking too much when I say, “I wish life was easier.
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November 17, 2014

One of my friends back home went to a party this weekend and almost got raped. The rapist is ‘J’, my ex boyfriend —for those of you that might remember. We dated like a year ago for six months. It was a really terrible relationship. We were not alike at all. He dumped me because he thought I lied about my mental health —that I was making everything up. And then he later wanted me back and in fact I got a message from him on Halloween saying “hope you’re doing well.”
The audacity.
Anyway.
I am so sad and heartbroken for my friend. I wish I could be there for them in person because I feel like I can’t be very expressive and sentimental via texts. 
And I’m totally not trying to make this about me and invalidate hrs but it is also sort of affecting me because I just think, like, I let this person touch me? I let this person into my life for six months and we were “close.” 
I’m so angry and I’m so sad and I want to message him telling him that if he ever tries to lay a finger on one of my friends that I’ll kill him but I feel like I’d just be feeding into the situation. And I don’t want to talk to that sick fuck anyway.
People are so shitty.

November 16th, 2014

I really like the relationship Jamie and I have because I feel like I really don’t have to hide any part of myself from them. We talk to each other whenever one of us has a concern and we try to compromise or deal with the situation.
It is probably one of the healthier relationships I’ve been in, if not, the healthiest.
I am sort of the kind of person that needs constant reassurance in a relationship so I will often ask Jamie “do you still like me? Do you really love me? Am I bothering you? Am I getting too annoying?”
It sucks because most of the time, I just think these things because I am very insecure with myself. But Jamie validates my feelings. He doesn’t write me off and tells me that he still loves me and whatnot.
Idk it is nice to be in a relationship with someone who is so kind and loving.

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November 15th, 2014

To be honest, I don’t think I feel secure in my relationship. Secure as in I get jealous and sad all the time because I feel so insecure about things.
My partner has a lot more female friends than they do male (as they feel more female than they do male).
But, I don’t know. I just feel so uncomfortable with some of their relationships. And I don’t bring it up because “lol crazy controlling girlfriend,” right?
I TRY not to get sad and that’s what I feel, for the most part. Sad. And they will say they love me and I’ll feel better but then I’ll see something again later on and my heart will feel heavy once more.
Sometimes my partner unintentionally raises their voice at me and I’ll get really upset and I’ll tell them that I don’t like that and I’ll ask them to try harder not to do it. And we make up and everything but what I’m getting at is that I don’t want to constantly be like FIX THIS, FIX THIS, FIX THIS. Because I feel like I should also be accepting of some of their flaws. But where do I draw the line? What is ok and what is healthy and what is not?

How do you feel about us, Jamie?

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Sometimes, I will have the most horrible intrusive thoughts about my relationship with Jamie. I will think, and convince myself, “how could this person ever like me? ME? Something doesn’t add up.”
I start to analyze every single bit of us being together. I think back to things I’ve said and things they’ve said to me too. I look for double meanings. I get sudden moments of insecurity and I find myself unable to stop crying.
I am constantly convincing myself that I am so unlovable.

New medicine

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Oh, medication. I have had such a journey with medicine. I’ve been no stranger to medicine and in fact, it’s probably what got me interested in pharmacy. I have to experiment with so many prescription drugs because it seems like no combination of cocktail of pills ever seems to work for me. Seriously. I have been at this for three years and I have tried so many different kinds of medication. I can tell you the brand name, generic name, half-life, etc.
My mom never liked me taking so much medicine. It’s reasonable. I always WANTED to take medicine because I just wanted to be “fixed.” But at this point it feels like I’ve tried so many like, do I HAVE to take medicine? Or do I have to take as much as I do now?
I wish I could start over in the medicine process, with the diagnoses I have now, maybe it would have helped.

November 12th, 2014

You know, I really try to not get jealous. At this point, I don’t know if I would say that I am not a jealous person.

My boyfriend is friends with these girls named Grace and Tara and I D K. Just every time I see that he is talking to them or that he reblogs their picture on tumblr, it makes me feel so sad. I know that he used to have a crush on the girl named Grace and supposedly he just thinks of her as a sister now. But he used to date the girl named Tara and they are like best friends? We went shopping together once and it just seemed weird and off-putting to me that even when we were together, he was buying her a present for christmas. The girl named Tara lives back in NY and so they don’t see each other often but I just have such horrible feelings.

I don’t even think that it’s ME because I don’t feel this way when he hangs out with his other friends that happen to be girls? Just these two that I get these feelings about.

And I’ve talked to him about it but god, i don’t know, I don’t want to seem clingy or anything.

I just feel like he would totally invalidate my feelings and write me off as being crazy or something. But i’m not crazy.

and it’s like, even if I did talk to him about it, I don’t even know what I would do to change how I feel. I don’t know what I would do or ask of him to try to make myself feel better.

I love him so much. Everything is so confusing.

November 9th, 2014

This is the first post I have made in six months on this blog and boy, do I have a lot to say.
I am in a public university now and it is the first time I am living away from my family. God damn, it had been hard. But more on that later.
I live in a dorm with two other girls. I pay $5,000+ for the size of what you would consider a “half-bathroom” in a home. I have a dresser, desk, and I sleep on the bottom bunk.
I do not like my roommates.

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I am in a relationship with someone named Jamie. We have our ups and downs, as everyone does. But I think that we mostly have ups.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Last I checked, I was diagnosed with depression, OCD, and anxiety. It is nice to know more definitively what you are mentally ill with but it is also troubling.
Today is November 9th, 2014 and it is 4:35 AM. I am on my partners bed listening to the steady ins-and-outs of their breath.

I last used this blog as more of an outlet than my tumblr blog so my followers on tumblr wouldn’t get tired of me talking about my (ex) boyfriend. I think I will use this the same way. The current partner I have and I are pretty open with our feelings but I have them as a follower and there are just some things I would like to get off my chest without having them read it.