Two years

It has been two years since I posted on this blog. Crazy. I suppose much of my online presence was due to unhappy I was and I was spending all of time on the internet.

A lot has changed within the two years! For those of you following my bipolar journey, I finally am taking the right dosage of a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I don’t feel 100 many days, but as compared to before when I didn’t feel 100 any days, I would say this is an improvement. I still get sad a lot, but it also doesn’t last as long as it used to. I feel content most days and it is the most hope I’ve had for myself in years.

For those of you following my school journey, I enrolled in a university last fall and have been a full time student. I have (seemingly) gotten my shit together and am getting A’s in nearly all my classes (yes, even the science ones!). I am very excited because I’m that much closer to my dreams of becoming a dentist.

To those who are following my journey with relationships, I have been in a serious relationship for almost two years now. It is crazy how time has flown by. I love the guy I’m seeing. We moved in together. We have a new dog together, whose name is Toby. I love my life with this person and he just recently popped the words. No, no, I’m not talking about marriage… I’m talking about the “I want to renew the lease with you” words! That means it’s real, right?

Life has been crazy. I moved from a small town to a big city, from out of my parents home to living with my boyfriend. I am stable. I am making friends. I am managing my life pretty well and I am happy with how things are panning out right now.

Seemingly Unattainable Dreams

I wish that my bipolar disorder and car accidents hadn’t delayed me in school so much. I wish that I hadn’t tried to continue despite struggling so, so much because now I have a shitty GPA, but a lot of completed credits. So, it is really hard to get my gpa up.
I have 21 credits left that I will be finishing this year and I will need an A in all of them to be able to even have the minimum GPA to apply to the program I want –dental hygiene.It is really discouraging. I know that it is my fault. I wish I could go back. If I wanted to raise my GPA more, I’d have to go post-grad. Dental Hygiene at the schools around me are part of community colleges. It doesn’t make sense to me to take university classes if I will still be receiving a certificate from a community college.

I just feel so stupid. I can’t give up but it feels like my dreams are constantly moving further awa

Failure

I am probably going to fail another class. I spoke with my professor about taking an incomplete. He said that it would probably be better to withdraw from the college and attempt when I feel better. Going back to the cycle. It never ends.

I can’t help but think that sometimes I use my mental illness as an excuse. But is it really an excuse? I feel like I’m being manipulative. I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid that I let myself get to this point again.

I feel really fucking shitty.I feel hopeless and like I’ll never reach my goals. I feel like there’s so many people exactly like me, too. Bipolar, with big dreams. I haven’t accomplished anything and I’m in debt from my failed attempts. 

Was it ever attainable? Or have I always been kidding myself? Is this growing up? Or growing pains?

I don’t know if I’ll ever pull it together.

New Relationship

I haven’t talked about this yet, but I’m in a relationship with someone! We have been talking since

September, hanging out a lot since January, and we just officially started dating last week. Though, we have been acting like a couple for a long while now.
**Side note: this is NOT the person I was seeing around october-december as a fling.

I’m really happy and I really like them. I think that it’s a good thing that we hung out A LOT before becoming official. It makes me feel like this is something that will not be so temporary.

Today, I brought up Molly. I don’t remember how she was brought up but eventually, I just came out and told him that I was in a serious relationship with someone for two years and then they died.
They said, that they didn’t want to tell me, but that they had found my instagram before we had met in January. And so they saw the post I made when Molly passed away. But since he didn’t think I wanted him to see that, he just never said anything about it. I think that was really nice of him… to have let me tell him when I feel ready to tell him, rather than him asking because he’s curious. I don’t know. That kind of really meant a lot to me.
I told him that I hadn’t come out with it at first because I didn’t want him to think I had a lot of baggage, because even though I am sad every day about her and I cry about her a lot, I think that I manage my grief well. I am at a place where I don’t let it interfere with my personal relationships anymore. I don’t try to isolate and feed into the sadness.

I asked him if it made him nervous or uncomfortable, that I had loved someone so much and still feel so much grief, but am dating him. He said no, and that he understands. He said that he thinks I’m really strong emotionally and mentally and that he doesn’t know how he’d be if he went through something similar.

It was such a huge fucking relief. It has been something that I think about all the time… needing to tell him about Molly. But I hadn’t because I was afraid of what he might think. I’m so glad that he’s so understanding and talked about it with me. It just felt really supportive from his end. It is hard to talk about with anyone. I don’t talk about it with anyone, really, because the feelings are still very raw. I think that they will still be raw for a very, very long time.

But this is a really good step forward for me and I wanted to share this moment with you guys because it was really important to me.

 

Update: 4/26/17

Life has been ok lately.

I started the new school term early April. I’m maybe three weeks into the term. It hasn’t been terribly bad but I’m also slacking in, you guessed it, anatomy. It’s so hard to remember so much. But I have to get a good grade because my gpa sucks 😦

A girl that I had started becoming good friends with loved to Alaska. I’m really sad about it. We text every day but I wish we could actually hang out in person. She was a good influence in the sense that she was also bipolar so it felt good to have someone that also went through the same things I do.

I’ve been seeing someone seriously since January. We had been talking since September but since I was so infatuated with that other asshole, I wasn’t really paying attention to this one. He is really nice.

We aren’t casual. But we aren’t in a relationship. I hate being in a relationship without a relationship title. 

Backstory: his job is in demand and recruiters from all states are often calling him and offering him bonus’ as an incentive to move. He got an offer in chicago that he said he would be considering in June.

Last night, he was drunk and suddenly said, “I think I would feel bad if I asked you to be my girlfriend and then two months later, had to move for my job.” Naturally, I am hurt. Deep down, i already knew that this was the case. But I was hoping so much that it wasn’t. I am so naive so much of the time, it’s ridiculous. Rationally, i know I should appreciate his honesty and I know I should be pragmatic. But I get so emotional so fast. When I fall for someone, i fall hard. I put a lot of myself to show how I feel about them.

So I’m feeling stupid because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of showing small acts of “”love”” and it feels like it’s for no reason. It now feels like I’m just being lead on or more, being strung along. I don’t think that it’s fair for me to be involved romantically with someone exclusively only to be waiting for the expiration date. 

My friend asked me, “does he make you happy? Do you have a good time with him? Maybe you should just ride it out.” And I certainly do. I love spending time with him and I love being around him. But I don’t know that I can just ride it out. I feel too move I think for that to be healthy for me. I am too sensitive.

It is also a little confusing for my heart. The other day, he said that he could get a spare key for his apartment, so I could come and go as I please. That’s obviously not casual relationship behavior. So everything is feeling so intense without there being a reason for me to take it so intensely.

It is something I have to think about because I don’t want him to leave while I’m still involved, and have myself fall into a deep depression because of it. Wouldn’t it be better to just let go now? Wouldn’t it be easier in the long run? When I fall into situations like this, letting go for me means ghosting. It means telling them, “this isn’t working out, k thnx bye,” blocking them, and just pushing them out of my life. I hate to do that because I feel so much for him.

I don’t really know what to do.

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

everything!

I’ve been having reaaaally bad body issues lately. It’s been super prominent especially when I go out with the guy I’ve been seeing. To be honest, I really like him. I don’t want to admit that because I don’t know how he feels and I don’t want to be stupid.. We’ve been hooking up but I guess that isn’t all I want. We’ve been hanging out and talking every day.. basically what anyone in a romantic relationship would do.But because we’re doing it and we aren’t exclusive, it feels like this will go nowhere. Why would you become exclusive with someone if you’re already enjoying the benefits of being exclusive, right? Being in a relationship without a label. I don’t really know what to do differently, besides just go with it. Ugh.

But anyways. This boy is really thin. Really, really thin. I met him off of okcupid and one of the questions that he had answered was that be wouldn’t date someone that was overweight. I’m overweight so I brought it up after we started talking.
“yeah, but you’re not overweight,” he said.
We left it at that.

It is something that is on my mind a lot because I am definitely overweight. I’m a chubby girl. The funny thing is, is that I was fatter when I first started talking to him. I was 50 lbs heavier.
So when we go out to eat, I’m very aware of how my rolls look, or of how my double chin could look. I’m self conscious of how I walk, or how I sit. I feel bad when we’re together in bed, and I don’t have clothes on and he tries to cuddle with me and I don’t want to because I don’t want him to feel just how fat I am. I feel bad when I refuse to have sex with the lights on, because I don’t want all the dimples and stretch marks to be noticed.

I saw a meme a while back (lol) in which it said, “so we about to smash… and she starts hiding her stomach and shit. Bitch I knew you was fat before you took yo clothes off.”
Funny enough, that’s also something I think about. It’s not that it’s not blatantly obvious that I’m not thin. I don’t wear spanx or clothes that are “deceiving” in any matter. It’s not that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t get turned on by me or anything, because he does. It’s just something with me, I guess. Not good feelings.

Maybe I’m just being like this because I like him. idk. but it doesn’t feel good.

 

I’ve also been doing fucking terrible in school this term. I feel terrible because i was doing so well last term, I think. Or at least, better than this term. Much better. I took on double the amount of credit this term so that was a huge mistake. But I also just don’t feel as motivated. There are three weeks left of this term. I have two B’s and two F’s I’m pretty sure. I got an extension on many assignments for one class that I’m doing badly in, but I just don’t have enough motivation to do anything. I feel really depressed and because my grade is so bad, I  feel hopeless and feel more of the, “what’s the point?” type of feeling.

I feel like I will never accomplish my goals and that is a bad feeling. I don’t want to blame everything on my bipolar, but I feel like it plays a huge part in this. I thought I had it under control, but I really don’t and it really fucked with me this time around. I’ve read before that a lot of the reason that bipolar people commit suicide is because they get overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and the thought that they will ever accomplish anything, or reach the goals that they want to reach. I don’t feel suicidal, but I can see how that happens because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I have felt *seriously* suicidal in a long time, but I guess sometimes it’s just something you think about, and you know that it’s the “easy” route I guess. But that doesn’t stop you from thinking about it. The thought is there and it’s a thought that says, “this could be over and done with so easily and so quickly.”

It is a selfish thought. But humans are selfish, and so I don’t feel all that bad for having those thoughts.

I traced my fingers along his skin

I’ve been talking to a boy since early September (no, not the guy I was having a fling with), and he is a really nice guy. We hadn’t met up until recently because I was always busy and I was also deeply infatuated with that other guy, you know?

So we hung out maybe a month ago and he was really cool and we have kept talking. We went out to dinner Friday and didn’t realize how quickly it got dark. I said that I couldn’t do anything afterwards because I’m scared of driving in the dark, which I am. He offered to let stay the night at his place. I agreed.

So we drank. I don’t really drink so I didn’t drink much, but he did. So we were both drunk, but I just wasn’t drunk for as long as he was. We kissed and fooled around.

Anyways, I won’t give the whole story because I don’t think it’s relevant.

But I kind of actually like this guy. And that is a scary feeling. I haven’t actually liked someone in a really long time. Probably since Molly, and that was literally a year ago. Also, wow, can you believe that? It’s been a year since I saw Molly and expressed how much I loved her. That hurts.
But anyways. I didn’t really like my last girlfriend. I think I just dated her because I was angry at Molly. That feels shitty too.
The last guy I thought I liked, I didn’t actually like. I was just infatuated.

But I’ve been talking to this particular person for months. They know so much about me I think. But I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper. I don’t want that. I fall so hard, so fast, so easily. That is exactly what’s happening. I want to talk to him a lot, but I also don’t want to be dumb and clingy. So I stop, just like I am right now. And I am depressed. I have been feeling really depressed lately anyways, so this is just elevating those feelings. I’m scared I am being used. I always worry about that. But it scares me so much more this time since I actually like this person.

I want to withdraw and stop talking to them, before I get hurt. I know I’m going to get hurt. But that would be cowardly, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t want to face my feelings and I don’t want to talk about them. I haven’t told this person about my mental illness, and I don’t know how he would even react. I don’t know that I want to find out. I guess that makes it all harder because I want to talk about things or bring things up, but I fear that I’m just going to be seen as too intense or just fucking crazy.

What a terrible feeling…to like someone, but feel like you should withdraw in an attempt to not get hurt. These thoughts alone already hurt.

In Light of Internal Screaming

In my last post, I explained how I was ghosted by this boy I had gone on a date within how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I was super upset and I am still pretty upset. Though this had never happened to me until now, these types of situations are the worst. Because I thought the date went well, and I can’t think of why it wouldn’t have been good, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the kind of closure that I want. It’s not the type of thing where I know I fucked up and I can say, “oh, well I was a little too nervous or annoying so that’s why he didn’t text back and that’s fine.” But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t too nervous and I wasn’t annoying.

This isn’t even really about the boy. Because the boy is whatever, he can go do whatever he wants. But the negative feelings I am having are in relation to the rejection I am feeling. I could say, “fuck that guy,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel weird about it all.

I guess I just knew why. Not that it would really matter, you know? It’s not like I want to know why just to try to change how I interact with others. But I just want to have the closure of knowing whyyyy.

I’ve been feeling pretty insecure because of being rejected. I know that’s silly since I’m being this way over a guy I had just met. It just brought up a lot of negative feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. and they’ve been bad feelings.

I guess I’m also not feeling myself because in a few days, it’ll be the anniversary of the last time I saw Molly. I miss her a lot. I remember everything about that day.

The other day, I was reading a post about a book someone had made about the last message someone received from someone –whether it was from an ex-lover, or from someone that died. It made me feel bad.

The last message Molly sent me was a video of herself at the beach. She wrote, “I’m sorry about what I said to you. I was out of line.”

I never replied. I’m crying as I write this haha. I just have so many regrets about what happened with us. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her.

Cue internal screaming

Heeeeere we ago, another dating story.

So I went on a date with this guy I met over tinder. He’s a chef at a super popular restaurant downtown. We decided that to meet, we were going to meet over pho. 

I got there and I HONESTLY thought that things were going really well. I don’t think it was just me being deluded lol because he would definitely talk to me, and laugh at he jokes I made and blah blah. Like he legit seemed interested. We talked a lot and the pho was great and he said it has been the best pho he’s had since moving to this city.

So we hugged and we left and that was that. He ended by saying, “I’ll text you later, ok?”

Normal, right?

Well not so fucking normal st all! Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. I was super disappointed and told one of my girlfriends and she said to text him. That’s reasonable, we’re not in the stone ages anymore where it’s bad for women to make the first move, right? So I text him saying that I had a nice time and that I hope he got home safe.

Nothing.

I have him on snapchat and like the crazy bitch I am, I posted a snapchat of myself specifically to see if it showed that he viewed it. He did. 

I’m so annoyed! I’m annoyed especially because it felt like nothing went wrong and it actually felt like things went right. I wasn’t weird, and I wasn’t too awkward. I have multiple full body shots on tinder so even though I’m a chunky princess, there’s no damn way you wouldn’t have known. Plus, he was a lil chunky too so ???

Ugh I dunno man. I’m just feeling super disappointed. Additionally, I hate when people are like, “yeah I want to hang or again! Or I’ll text you later!” And they’re only saying it to be nice. Like, can you just reject me on the spot or be an asshole so I don’t start fantasizing about smooching you? 🙄

Anyways. That was that and this is this. Annoying.