Monthly Archives: November 2015

are you listening?

Something that I often forget is that I do not have to finish school on time. I do not have to finish everything in the estimated amount of time that the school makes.

I forget it often because if I don’t do everything on schedule, I feel like a failure. I’ve been brought up to think that if I can’t do something or if I can’t finish something, I am a failure and I didn’t try hard enough.

I am barely passing my classes. The program I am going into does not like people that “barely pass” to apply. Which is understandable, who would want someone that barely passed a class like anatomy to be examining their body? but I don’t feel supported and I feel like I’m losing touch with myself.

Right now, I have really been having difficulties with my emotions. I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and I’ve gone back to self harming. Besides therapy, I don’t ever really get asked if I’m doing all right. My parents don’t even really ask me how I am doing. They ask me if I’ve done my homework and if I’m passing my classes (and get angry when I say I’m not doing well). but they don’t ask me WHY i’m not doing well. They assume it is because I don’t study enough. Which, I don’t, but it’s because I can’t get the energy to do it. I can barely get the energy to get to class.

I know that a lot of people can see that I’m not okay. and I’m not good at asking for help when I’m in this kind of situation. But, I don’t know, no one ever really reaches out. And it doesn’t really feel good. Because I reach out to people when I see that they’re not doing well. Or someone will start texting me, wanting to ask me advice or talk to me about something because they’re lonely. And I listen and I try but I don’t get that same type of care in return. It makes me feel invisible and it makes me feel like no one cares. but maybe it is just too much of a burden to put on, that I personally feel too guilty to say “no” to.

uugghhh i don’t know. I feel like this is all boiling down to me not being able to handle any of this and by then, it will be too late. not to be overdramatic but i’m just really not doing well lol. and i’m there for everyone. but at the same time, i am alone, alone, alone.

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Hello, you

it will all me my fault anyways

i took more pills than i should have,. in the shower i could imagine myself===== someone finding me and saying nosh== no se didn’t overdorse=. she just had quite a but more.it made me laugh.

i ellrelapsed on self harm and it feel s good and it n i t f eels ok

i am sad i did it. it makes me dsf that i gelt the need snd the want ti di wimethinglike that

but I’m glad i did because it feels like the bad stuff if boxing hut of my body. ooxing ooxinf oozing ,

thae bad things are going out of my body,

i relapsed. i n m n o t ok.

== i sm sort of trying

but everyone lkeeps leaving anyway’

so what us the [[pont

there is no point.

Update Nov 2nd

I feel like I am constantly having to be strong and suck things up. But I am getting really worn down and I feel like I can’t handle it.
I feel really alone.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to.
I don’t feel like I can talk to my girlfriend about my feelings. She is a “recovering addict” and it feels weird telling her my problems. Like, I feel like I should do it. 

Sometimes I feel like I complain so much to her that she builds up this anxiety around me and then relapses.
(Jami relapsed two weeks ago, by the way).

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This is Jami’s third time in rehab in four months. It doesn’t feel good. Sometimes I get really sad and depressed about it. Sometimes I think, well whatever there’s nothing I can do anyway.
When Jami relapsed, I posted on my mail blog that I was feeling frustrated especially because she had to leave again AKA go back to rehab, meaning we wouldn’t be reuniting for even longer.

We broke up for a day because I thought maybe it was what was best for us. But I really like Jami and bring in a relationship with her feels like something that I can’t just stop. 
Anyway, I posted about it on my main blog and one of Jami’s friends, who follows me, messaged me and told me that I was being manipulative and that Jami didn’t need that in their life.
It felt really weird because I’ve had that blog for almost five years now and have been consistently posting on it. I haven’t really been posting on it lately because I think, who is going to read this? What will people think? I blog about my life, pictures of myself, things I find funny or sad, etc.

I only started dating Jami a year ago. Which is when Jami’s friend started following me on my other blog.
So to have built that blog up for so long and to feel like I can’t “be myself” on it due to someone I’ve only known for a year feels shitty. 

Jami’s friend apologized, only after I found out it was them. But the damage was done.
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It was my birthday on Oct 21. Someone that I consider to be a close friend said that they would take me out to dinner.

We made plans but she never texted me on the day she said we would go out. I texted her and texted her and called her and messaged her on Facebook.

She messaged me later that night and said she didn’t get my text messages. But did she also not get my calls?

I doubt it.

She said that it had been her moms birthday that day so they were together. But why didn’t she tell me that ahead of time? You don’t forget something like that. And even if you do, you remember it pretty quickly.

She’s been trying to talk to me. But I don’t have the energy. But I feel sad.
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In one of my classes, I became pretty good friends with someone. We hit it off pretty quickly and joked around with each other. But she randomly started doing her homework with someone else and studying with someone else. I know t sounds dumb to be upset over that but with someone with a fear of abandonment, it is a really big deal.

I know this is probably not true, but I sometimes feel like she and the new person she studies with talk about me and laugh about me behind my back.
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I don’t feel good about my job. It wears me down. It is frustrating and makes me angry and upset. 

It is my first real and I feel like I got thrown in the position I am in right now. I didn’t have a choice. I was the only other employee there. So I had to be the one in charge.

We have other employees now but it is hard to be a leader. It is hard to make decisions and have the guts to stand your ground to people.
I know a lot of people in managerial positions say that they don’t feel qualified. But I literally became manager after maybe three weeks of working there. And again, it is my first job.

Of course, I have to take blame, because I was the one that said I could handle it. I wanted to show that I wasn’t just some barely-adult that didn’t know how to do their taxes. I wanted to show that I was responsible and dependable.
But I am not. And it is getting to be hard to be pretending that I am.
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I have been having reoccurring suicidal thoughts. It will be to the point where I am driving and I’ll think, if I drive off the edge, maybe I won’t make it and I won’t have to deal with the things I am dealing with.

I haven’t self harmed in years I think. But the thoughts are coming back and I am already thinking of ways to cover up the scars. 
It could be so easy. But I won’t. I know I won’t. It’s not that I feel bad about it. Because I don’t. I don’t feel selfish about it at all. But it is just scary. It is scary not knowing what will happen to you after you die.
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I wanted to post on here because I haven’t in a really long time. I know this is just a huge list of me complaining about stuff and feeling hurt about trivial things. 

But I don’t really have anyone that follows me on here.

And I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about how I’m doing.
I will just bottle it up and let it fester until I can’t take it anymore.