So that’s that.
It happened suddenly. Over me being sick too often.
So I’m going to pretend that I’m the good guy and that he’s the bad guy because it’s going to make me feel better.
J and I were supposed to take a statistics class together. I decided to take it because he was going to be in it but besides that, I don’t need it and I don’t want to take it.
He just told me that because of a different class, he isn’t going to take that statistics class. So here I am, looking and feeling like a fucking idiot and he doesn’t even care. It is nothing to him and he doesn’t even care that I’m upset.
I’m so pissed off.
I feel like he’s doing it to see me less because he’s going to break up with me. I thought we were going good. What the fuck. Maybe it’s just my mind playing tricks on me again but I am really angry and sad.
Recently, I have been feeling very self conscious around J. I don’t know why. I guess I feel inadequate? I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel like I am good enough for him.
He is so nice and very understanding and I feel like I am the total opposite. I feel like I am so negative and that I am not as “fun” as I was when I first met him. It makes me feel like at any second, he’s going to leave me.
I know that when we first met, he was texting some other girl but then we started talking and we started going out. I always think about that girl. I don’t know what she looks like or what her personality is like. I don’t know if he still texts her. I guess I shouldn’t think about who he texts or talks to because I can’t and don’t want to control him but it also makes me feel insecure. Like, is he talking to other people because they have something I don’t? I don’t even know if he does talk to other people but I just think of these things. Sometimes I think that he might leave me for that girl. Maybe she is more like him.
J and I come from different backgrounds, I think. We were just both raised so differently. Both of his parents work in the orchards around here and while my mom is a nurse and my dad is a brewer/has his own business. I guess I was just raised in an environment where my family thinks that we are better than “other Mexicans.” I know that my parents started at the bottom and worked hard to get where they are now but maybe they were lucky and had more opportunities. They just knew how to play the game.
Although my dad comes from a family similar to J’s, he has adjusted more to an “American lifestyle” and I feel like he is better than most now too.
My family doesn’t listen to mariachi bands or anything. My family listens to maná and Andrea bocelli. And although I don’t feel like I have as much internalized racism as before, it is still there and it sucks because I don’t want to think like that?
I don’t know.
Is this stupid?
I don’t care I guess. I just wanted to say how I’ve been feeling lately.
I am never good enough for my parents. Even after I got into my dream school, I still need to do this and that and this and that.
It just feels like my entire life, I have been exceeding their expectations of me and it still isn’t enough for them.
And anther issue is my fatness. To them, they see it as how can I be happy of I am fat? How can I think I look good if I am fat?
It’s a constant cycle of nagging and complaining that I am not doing enough for school, for my health, and ultimately, for them.
J is getting very clingy. It’s making me frustrated and a bit annoyed. I didn’t answer his call last night because I wasn’t feeling well and I just went to sleep. I didn’t even look at the phone to see who it was.
I guess he got upset when I told him the next morning that I wasn’t feeling well last night.
I think I figured out why I haven’t been feeling well lately. Lately as in, the past four months..
I haven’t been taking my medication regularly and I haven’t been taking it at all the past month and I think I’m going through withdrawals.
I’ve been feeling very sick for no reason with flu-like symptoms and that’s what I think has been happening. I am going to start taking them every day again because I have just been feeling so horrible.
Just another thing I need to add to my routine I guess.