Tag Archives: dating

everything!

I’ve been having reaaaally bad body issues lately. It’s been super prominent especially when I go out with the guy I’ve been seeing. To be honest, I really like him. I don’t want to admit that because I don’t know how he feels and I don’t want to be stupid.. We’ve been hooking up but I guess that isn’t all I want. We’ve been hanging out and talking every day.. basically what anyone in a romantic relationship would do.But because we’re doing it and we aren’t exclusive, it feels like this will go nowhere. Why would you become exclusive with someone if you’re already enjoying the benefits of being exclusive, right? Being in a relationship without a label. I don’t really know what to do differently, besides just go with it. Ugh.

But anyways. This boy is really thin. Really, really thin. I met him off of okcupid and one of the questions that he had answered was that be wouldn’t date someone that was overweight. I’m overweight so I brought it up after we started talking.
“yeah, but you’re not overweight,” he said.
We left it at that.

It is something that is on my mind a lot because I am definitely overweight. I’m a chubby girl. The funny thing is, is that I was fatter when I first started talking to him. I was 50 lbs heavier.
So when we go out to eat, I’m very aware of how my rolls look, or of how my double chin could look. I’m self conscious of how I walk, or how I sit. I feel bad when we’re together in bed, and I don’t have clothes on and he tries to cuddle with me and I don’t want to because I don’t want him to feel just how fat I am. I feel bad when I refuse to have sex with the lights on, because I don’t want all the dimples and stretch marks to be noticed.

I saw a meme a while back (lol) in which it said, “so we about to smash… and she starts hiding her stomach and shit. Bitch I knew you was fat before you took yo clothes off.”
Funny enough, that’s also something I think about. It’s not that it’s not blatantly obvious that I’m not thin. I don’t wear spanx or clothes that are “deceiving” in any matter. It’s not that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t get turned on by me or anything, because he does. It’s just something with me, I guess. Not good feelings.

Maybe I’m just being like this because I like him. idk. but it doesn’t feel good.

 

I’ve also been doing fucking terrible in school this term. I feel terrible because i was doing so well last term, I think. Or at least, better than this term. Much better. I took on double the amount of credit this term so that was a huge mistake. But I also just don’t feel as motivated. There are three weeks left of this term. I have two B’s and two F’s I’m pretty sure. I got an extension on many assignments for one class that I’m doing badly in, but I just don’t have enough motivation to do anything. I feel really depressed and because my grade is so bad, I  feel hopeless and feel more of the, “what’s the point?” type of feeling.

I feel like I will never accomplish my goals and that is a bad feeling. I don’t want to blame everything on my bipolar, but I feel like it plays a huge part in this. I thought I had it under control, but I really don’t and it really fucked with me this time around. I’ve read before that a lot of the reason that bipolar people commit suicide is because they get overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and the thought that they will ever accomplish anything, or reach the goals that they want to reach. I don’t feel suicidal, but I can see how that happens because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I have felt *seriously* suicidal in a long time, but I guess sometimes it’s just something you think about, and you know that it’s the “easy” route I guess. But that doesn’t stop you from thinking about it. The thought is there and it’s a thought that says, “this could be over and done with so easily and so quickly.”

It is a selfish thought. But humans are selfish, and so I don’t feel all that bad for having those thoughts.

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I traced my fingers along his skin

I’ve been talking to a boy since early September (no, not the guy I was having a fling with), and he is a really nice guy. We hadn’t met up until recently because I was always busy and I was also deeply infatuated with that other guy, you know?

So we hung out maybe a month ago and he was really cool and we have kept talking. We went out to dinner Friday and didn’t realize how quickly it got dark. I said that I couldn’t do anything afterwards because I’m scared of driving in the dark, which I am. He offered to let stay the night at his place. I agreed.

So we drank. I don’t really drink so I didn’t drink much, but he did. So we were both drunk, but I just wasn’t drunk for as long as he was. We kissed and fooled around.

Anyways, I won’t give the whole story because I don’t think it’s relevant.

But I kind of actually like this guy. And that is a scary feeling. I haven’t actually liked someone in a really long time. Probably since Molly, and that was literally a year ago. Also, wow, can you believe that? It’s been a year since I saw Molly and expressed how much I loved her. That hurts.
But anyways. I didn’t really like my last girlfriend. I think I just dated her because I was angry at Molly. That feels shitty too.
The last guy I thought I liked, I didn’t actually like. I was just infatuated.

But I’ve been talking to this particular person for months. They know so much about me I think. But I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper. I don’t want that. I fall so hard, so fast, so easily. That is exactly what’s happening. I want to talk to him a lot, but I also don’t want to be dumb and clingy. So I stop, just like I am right now. And I am depressed. I have been feeling really depressed lately anyways, so this is just elevating those feelings. I’m scared I am being used. I always worry about that. But it scares me so much more this time since I actually like this person.

I want to withdraw and stop talking to them, before I get hurt. I know I’m going to get hurt. But that would be cowardly, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t want to face my feelings and I don’t want to talk about them. I haven’t told this person about my mental illness, and I don’t know how he would even react. I don’t know that I want to find out. I guess that makes it all harder because I want to talk about things or bring things up, but I fear that I’m just going to be seen as too intense or just fucking crazy.

What a terrible feeling…to like someone, but feel like you should withdraw in an attempt to not get hurt. These thoughts alone already hurt.

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In Light of Internal Screaming

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In my last post, I explained how I was ghosted by this boy I had gone on a date within how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I was super upset and I am still pretty upset. Though this had never happened to me until now, these types of situations are the worst. Because I thought the date went well, and I can’t think of why it wouldn’t have been good, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the kind of closure that I want. It’s not the type of thing where I know I fucked up and I can say, “oh, well I was a little too nervous or annoying so that’s why he didn’t text back and that’s fine.” But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t too nervous and I wasn’t annoying.

This isn’t even really about the boy. Because the boy is whatever, he can go do whatever he wants. But the negative feelings I am having are in relation to the rejection I am feeling. I could say, “fuck that guy,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel weird about it all.

I guess I just knew why. Not that it would really matter, you know? It’s not like I want to know why just to try to change how I interact with others. But I just want to have the closure of knowing whyyyy.

I’ve been feeling pretty insecure because of being rejected. I know that’s silly since I’m being this way over a guy I had just met. It just brought up a lot of negative feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. and they’ve been bad feelings.

I guess I’m also not feeling myself because in a few days, it’ll be the anniversary of the last time I saw Molly. I miss her a lot. I remember everything about that day.

The other day, I was reading a post about a book someone had made about the last message someone received from someone –whether it was from an ex-lover, or from someone that died. It made me feel bad.

The last message Molly sent me was a video of herself at the beach. She wrote, “I’m sorry about what I said to you. I was out of line.”

I never replied. I’m crying as I write this haha. I just have so many regrets about what happened with us. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her.

Cue internal screaming

Heeeeere we ago, another dating story.

So I went on a date with this guy I met over tinder. He’s a chef at a super popular restaurant downtown. We decided that to meet, we were going to meet over pho. 

I got there and I HONESTLY thought that things were going really well. I don’t think it was just me being deluded lol because he would definitely talk to me, and laugh at he jokes I made and blah blah. Like he legit seemed interested. We talked a lot and the pho was great and he said it has been the best pho he’s had since moving to this city.

So we hugged and we left and that was that. He ended by saying, “I’ll text you later, ok?”

Normal, right?

Well not so fucking normal st all! Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. I was super disappointed and told one of my girlfriends and she said to text him. That’s reasonable, we’re not in the stone ages anymore where it’s bad for women to make the first move, right? So I text him saying that I had a nice time and that I hope he got home safe.

Nothing.

I have him on snapchat and like the crazy bitch I am, I posted a snapchat of myself specifically to see if it showed that he viewed it. He did. 

I’m so annoyed! I’m annoyed especially because it felt like nothing went wrong and it actually felt like things went right. I wasn’t weird, and I wasn’t too awkward. I have multiple full body shots on tinder so even though I’m a chunky princess, there’s no damn way you wouldn’t have known. Plus, he was a lil chunky too so ???

Ugh I dunno man. I’m just feeling super disappointed. Additionally, I hate when people are like, “yeah I want to hang or again! Or I’ll text you later!” And they’re only saying it to be nice. Like, can you just reject me on the spot or be an asshole so I don’t start fantasizing about smooching you? 🙄

Anyways. That was that and this is this. Annoying.

The Truth About Dating When You Have A Mental Illness

Getting close to someone is hard. It is hard to get close to someone when you have a mental illness.

How soon should you tell them you have a mental illness? How much should you disclose?

How long until they ask the details?
About the cutting.
The eating disorders.
The panic attacks.
The isolation.
The suicide attempts.

What happens when they ask?
And what happens after?

How soon is too soon? How much is too much?

Lately

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This is me. I am Carol. 

It’s been difficult for me these days.

Here are some things that have been happening.

-I’m sick. I don’t mean mental health sick, or “fucked up” sick. But I feel terrible. I don’t know if I’m feeling sick as a result of my mental illness or if I’m legitimately like virus-type sick. I’ve been feeling tired all day. I’ve been feeling this way for the past three weeks. It’s ruining some of my interpersonal relationships. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I helped my mom run errands yesterday. In the intervals when we would be in the car getting to the next location, I would just fall asleep immediately. Something is wrong with me. My body is tired and sore.

– My parents are fighting again. Every time the fights are bad, my mom hints that she’s going to get a divorced because she’s “sick of dealing with this.” The fights are never bad, like, physically bad. And my parents don’t call each other names. But rather, they are passive-aggressive bad. They are bad in the way that they don’t talk to each other and ignore each other. I am really sad whenever this happens.
My culture has a very difficult relationship with seeking help for personal issues, whether it be marital problems or problems stemming from mental health. It isn’t that people from my culture are stupid, or anything. But we are ignorant, and this is because of the way it’s been for years. It is the attempt at trying to preserve our culture and keeping with traditional ways that keeps us ignorant. My mom is pretty progressive, but my dad isn’t. As a result, he refuses to go to a marriage counselor.

Right now, after noticing that this time it’s my dad who’s causing the fight, I am trying to come to terms that maybe this is for the best. I read some articles and realized that it is selfish of me to try to keep trying to keep my parents together, which is what I’ve always done. I’ve always tried to be the middle-man in an attempt to make things better, even if it stresses me out and is ruining my mental health at that time. I guess, I currently realize that if my parents are constantly angry with each other and it seems to be a never-ending cycle, they should do whatever they deem best.

I say this with using “I CURRENTLY think.” I say this as I know I will get extremely sad and go against what I’m saying later on.

-I think that I am going to end the relationship I am in. I started dating the person I am dating back in May. I had broken up with a previous significant other in February, and I had been with them for two years. I honestly think that I got in this relationship out of spite towards the other person. I wanted so badly for them to see how badly they hurt me, and because of that, I was trying to be happy with someone else. One month after I got in the new relationship, my previous partner died of an overdose. I feel like that hit me really hard and that’s when I realized, what the fuck am I doing? I’ve tried to make it work. But it isn’t just me. The person I’m dating has their own issues and sometimes, it’s things that i really can’t deal with. For example, I’ve been needing a lot of space lately. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, they said that they were typically the person that tries to not be serious and not be in monogamous relationships. But as soon as we started dating, that completely changed. They said they were in love with me. They got clingy and dependent. I cannot do that. I can’t even try. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been really tired. I have no energy. It’s beginning to feel like I have no energy to put towards this relationship, too.
I am lonely. I have been very lonely ever since my ex-partner died. I was angry towards them but deep down, I still loved them very much and hoped that they would get it together so that we could date again. But obviously, they never did. But it is incredibly selfish of me to take my loneliness and do things that are harming other people. By knowing that I do not love the other person and staying with them despite this, I am hurting them. I tell them that my low energy level is temporary. But I know I am stalling. I’m stalling from dealing with bigger issues. I am a shitty person and I know I need to stop this. It’s hard. It is easy to read this and say, “wow you’re being really fucking shitty, like, stop.” That’s what I would think, at least. I guess there’s just so much more going on. I thought at one point that I loved this person. But once my ex died, I realized that I didn’t.

-My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall. 5MG to start with. I feel like this is good. I had been getting adderall in unethical ways (lol???) because I knew something was wrong. Not recreationally. But I used it when I needed to study. It helped a lot. I took the test they give you when assessing if this is something you might have, and apparently, I scored high enough on a clinical level. So I feel like even though I was first getting the medication in unethical ways, I wasn’t doing it to harm myself. I knew the implications and I knew that it was bad. But I did it because I thought it would be better for me and it would help me. That sounds like what a drug addict would say tbh but like, it did help me. And it turns out, I do have what I was expecting. I’ve only taken the 5mg pill once, as I’m currently on break from courses and don’t really have something I need to focus on. I don’t want to become dependent on these, either. But the time that I did take it, I felt like it worked. Not for long, but it did for a bit. Was it psychological? Maybe. But it still worked.

-I go back to school in two weeks. I am excited only because I want to be done. I am tired of being stuck in the limbo that is prerequisite courses. I should have been done two years ago. But I got really bad because of my mental health, and only recently got better because I learned how to reach out for help, if I needed it. I want so badly to get into the program because I feel ready to move forward. It isn’t just the rebellious teenager still living inside of me wanting to leave home. It’s feeling like, I am almost 21 (next month) and I should have gotten it together by now. I should have a career by now. I know that there is no time when someone “should” have their shit together. But this is never what I wanted for myself. Shit happens, I know. Life goes on, I know. But this is not what I envisioned my future to be.

 

Speaking of my future, sometimes I am really amazed and even proud of myself for even still being alive. Not in the way that a higher being has allowed me to live one more day. But in the sense that I have literally thought about suicide every single day since I’ve been 12 so like, it is really an anomaly lol. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting. Fleeting in the way that something bad will happen and I’ll immediately think, “fuck this sucks, I want to kill myself.” Sometimes it is more serious, and I will have a blade to my wrists or neck, of have a handful of pills ready in my hand. I’ve attempted in the past, but that was years ago. I think that the last time I seriously attempted was when I was 16. That was a long time ago, wow, I’m just realizing this. I guess I’m just proud of myself to be able to push through. I guess it is surprising to me that I am still alive. I always said to myself that I thought I would never live to be in my 20’s, because of my mental illness. Because I think of suicide so often. Sometimes i still think, wow, I’ll never get to my 30’s and I’ll never have a career or a stable relationship because it’s bound to happen soon.

Baby steps, I guess.

 

So that’s that. There’s what has been happening the last month. Most of the time, I come on here to talk about bad things happening in my life. I feel like that’s how it is for a lot of people that are mentally ill, or even people that are not mentally ill. We want to reach out to people and talk about ourselves when things are rough. We want advice and we want to be comforted. If things are going well, we don’t need to be comforted in the same sense. We are ok, we are sane, if only momentarily. So I guess that’s why a lot of my posts are mostly negative.

On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.