Tag Archives: relationship

everything!

I’ve been having reaaaally bad body issues lately. It’s been super prominent especially when I go out with the guy I’ve been seeing. To be honest, I really like him. I don’t want to admit that because I don’t know how he feels and I don’t want to be stupid.. We’ve been hooking up but I guess that isn’t all I want. We’ve been hanging out and talking every day.. basically what anyone in a romantic relationship would do.But because we’re doing it and we aren’t exclusive, it feels like this will go nowhere. Why would you become exclusive with someone if you’re already enjoying the benefits of being exclusive, right? Being in a relationship without a label. I don’t really know what to do differently, besides just go with it. Ugh.

But anyways. This boy is really thin. Really, really thin. I met him off of okcupid and one of the questions that he had answered was that be wouldn’t date someone that was overweight. I’m overweight so I brought it up after we started talking.
“yeah, but you’re not overweight,” he said.
We left it at that.

It is something that is on my mind a lot because I am definitely overweight. I’m a chubby girl. The funny thing is, is that I was fatter when I first started talking to him. I was 50 lbs heavier.
So when we go out to eat, I’m very aware of how my rolls look, or of how my double chin could look. I’m self conscious of how I walk, or how I sit. I feel bad when we’re together in bed, and I don’t have clothes on and he tries to cuddle with me and I don’t want to because I don’t want him to feel just how fat I am. I feel bad when I refuse to have sex with the lights on, because I don’t want all the dimples and stretch marks to be noticed.

I saw a meme a while back (lol) in which it said, “so we about to smash… and she starts hiding her stomach and shit. Bitch I knew you was fat before you took yo clothes off.”
Funny enough, that’s also something I think about. It’s not that it’s not blatantly obvious that I’m not thin. I don’t wear spanx or clothes that are “deceiving” in any matter. It’s not that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t get turned on by me or anything, because he does. It’s just something with me, I guess. Not good feelings.

Maybe I’m just being like this because I like him. idk. but it doesn’t feel good.

 

I’ve also been doing fucking terrible in school this term. I feel terrible because i was doing so well last term, I think. Or at least, better than this term. Much better. I took on double the amount of credit this term so that was a huge mistake. But I also just don’t feel as motivated. There are three weeks left of this term. I have two B’s and two F’s I’m pretty sure. I got an extension on many assignments for one class that I’m doing badly in, but I just don’t have enough motivation to do anything. I feel really depressed and because my grade is so bad, I  feel hopeless and feel more of the, “what’s the point?” type of feeling.

I feel like I will never accomplish my goals and that is a bad feeling. I don’t want to blame everything on my bipolar, but I feel like it plays a huge part in this. I thought I had it under control, but I really don’t and it really fucked with me this time around. I’ve read before that a lot of the reason that bipolar people commit suicide is because they get overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and the thought that they will ever accomplish anything, or reach the goals that they want to reach. I don’t feel suicidal, but I can see how that happens because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I have felt *seriously* suicidal in a long time, but I guess sometimes it’s just something you think about, and you know that it’s the “easy” route I guess. But that doesn’t stop you from thinking about it. The thought is there and it’s a thought that says, “this could be over and done with so easily and so quickly.”

It is a selfish thought. But humans are selfish, and so I don’t feel all that bad for having those thoughts.

Last night

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Last night was a horrible fucking night. Up until now, I have been suppressing my feelings about my failed relationship. It felt like I was going to be ok. Until I started feeling sad. And then sadder. And pretty soon, I was crying uncontrollably. I cried for hours straight.

I started removing my ex from my life last night. I have found that, that is what helps me cope. I just remove them from my life completely. Reducing their carbon footprint in my life, never to be spoken of again. But it will be harder this time. I recognized this when I had just built up the guts to remove my ex from my Facebook page, and then I realized I was wearing one of her shirts. And then I still had small letters from her in my wallet. And then I realized my laptop was covered in stickers from her.

It was just a lot of small things and gestures that made me realize. Holy shit. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. And through the process of trying to get rid of everything, i just had a complete meltdown.

This still doesn’t feel real. It feels like she’s just at rehab again. Or we’re mad at each other. And it feels like I’ll wake up in the morning to a text message that says “good morning, baby.” Though, I haven’t received those kinds of text messages from her in months.

So many of my fondest memories include her. And so many small, seemingly meaningless things, remind me of her.

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It is really, really hard to swallow the fact that this is really happening. We are really broken up. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

A Failed Relationship

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Lets see, lets see, what could I say about my most recent failed relationship. There’s just so much to say. It’s hard to even find the words.

First off, I know I play the victim a lot but I really feel like I’m the only one that’s hurting. I’m not sure if that’s because they really don’t care that we broke up or because they’re busy getting high. Probably both. Even so, I don’t think I’m hurting as bad as I thought that I would. Sure, I get really sad sometimes. But that’s normal. I feel ok for the most part. Maybe that’s how it is for them too. I think we were both just tired of dealing with each other’s shit.

I’m a little (a lot) disappointed that this last relationship didn’t work out. I really thought and was hoping that it would. In the beginning, it all felt really dreamy and surreal, which you could contribute to the infatuation that we were both experiencing.

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We spent a lot of time together, and it felt like we missed each other a lot, even we had only been apart for an hour. It felt like we were two pieces of the same puzzle. We both liked the same movies, music, food, etc. We connected in random ways, that you wouldn’t have imagined connecting about. We had a lot of good experiences, and first-time experiences together. It felt like they were my best friend. They understood me really well. They understood when I would react to something badly and would quickly apologize after. They didn’t chastise me for that. I liked that. I liked that it felt like even if I I was the craziest person in the world, they could see the good in me.

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But even though everything felt so dreamy, I think that things really took a turn for the worst when my ex-partner started relapsing and then left for rehab for 7 months. It was 7 months of not seeing each other and barely being able to talk to each other. It was 7 months of hearing dates of when they would come home, and then having those dates being pushed back, over and over again, because of them constantly relapsing. I think we care for each other a lot. We were together for 1 year and 5 months. Apart for 7. Life moves on, even if you’re not in each other’s life. I think that’s when we started falling out of love. I think that there is a clear, definitive point in time where you could really look and see, well, they’re not as in love as they used to be.

It is hard to think that at some point, everything was good. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think if they hadn’t started abusing drugs the way they are now, we could possibly still be together. There wouldn’t have been as much lying, deceitfulness, or disappointment. That’s what I tell myself, at least.

Today, we are no longer together. We are not even friends. I go back and forth between deleting them and their friends from all of my social media accounts. But I then find myself feeling frantic, wanting to know what they’re doing, and if they’re doing better without me. I find myself wanting to change my number, and feeling the imaginative joy I could feel when they receive an automatic reply that my phone number is no longer in service. I feel very spiteful, but I also feel very hurt.

I feel very apathetic and indifferent towards the relationship we were having. The past few months are indifferent to me. They weren’t good. Most of the time, they were bad.

But the memories, oh the memories. I am in love with the memories, and the memories and feelings of what could have been. It feels disheartening to think that I thought I had a soulmate. We were so alike and it just really feels like a punch to the chest.

  
Presently, our relationship was stagnant. Nothing was happening and in fact, it felt like the love we had towards each other diminished by the second. They didn’t care about themselves a lot, and I couldn’t handle it. I tried really hard to have things get better. But nothing happened. They just didn’t care. Or they did care, but didn’t do a good job at all of showing it. The last time we hung out was three days ago, on Valentine’s Day. I had been contemplating leaving them. We weren’t together. But we certainly acted like it. I think the thing that was the final straw for me was that, that same day, they groaned when I wanted them to walk me out to their door. How much is that, a couple feet? I left angrily, but forgave them soon after. The next day, they walked at least a mile to the store to buy inhalants to get high with. I always heard that the addict will always love the drug more than they love any of their partners or family members. I tried so hard not to believe it. In that moment, it became very clear that yes, at this point, I am not the thing that they love most.

I am still mourning our failed relationship. We were together for quite a long time, but apart for nearly as long. I find myself feeling stupid sometimes for how hard I tried to save our relationship. Or how badly I wanted them to save themselves.

 

This has been something that will be really hard to get over. It will take me a long time before I could even think about being with someone else. Even now, here I am, pouring my heart out. I know they will read this, and perhaps they’ll feel just as indifferent as I do. But still heartbroken over what could have been. We could have been so much more.

 

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Letting go of someone you are still in love with

My significant other relapsed today. They came home from rehab less than two weeks ago. They had been there for seven months, in and out of different rehab centers. They have relapsed three times in the time they have been home.
When this all first started, I would spend hours and hours reading articles about why addicts do the things that they do. I tried so hard not to believe that the addict loves the drug more than any relationship they had. I tried so hard to believe that if I supported my S/O and stayed with them through it all, that they would eventually get better. It’s been almost a year since this all started. I broke up with them today. It hurts my heart so badly.

I wanted to marry them. I wanted to have kids with them. I really thought that they were the person I would spend the rest of my life with.
I don’t have the capability to continue.
So how do you deal with letting go of someone you are still completely in love with? How do you let go of the most incredible person you know? Your best friend?

I don’t quite know. I suppose we’ll find out.