February 28th, 2014

I was accepted into my second choice university today. I texted J about it and he never replied. I called him later and he didn’t answer. He called me back an hour later and said that he was with friends. I’m feeling some sort of way about it. I’m jealous and hurt I guess. Are his friends more important than me? Is it even valid for me to think like that and feel this way?
I feel stupid and sad. But mostly stupid.

Thank goodness

J called me at one in the morning and at first, he tried to play it off as everything was ok but then he apologized about everything and I felt so much better. I really love him. He said that he couldn’t think all day because he was so upset at himself for what he said (I had sent him a text message saying why I was upset and he replied with some bs response that I will attach to the post at the end). Anyway. The message had said something about how watching child’s play 2 was better than talking about his problems and so I thought O OK U WANNA PLAY LIKE THAT? IM GLAD CHILDS PLAY 2 WAS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN WATCH IT NON STOP NOW THAT YOURE SINGLE!!
That was my thought process. I was SO MAD. But he apologized and he was very nice about it and e acknowledged that it was all his fault so I feel loads better now.
Also, I have been binging a huge amount lately and it bit me in the ass today because the fat content in the food has been building up in my tummy and so I feel very sick right now. I almost threw up. Almost.
I hope I feel better soon.

Good night

So after not talking to J for more than 24 hours (he didn’t even attempt to talk to me) he decided to text me and say “good night.”
What kind of weak shit is that?! Like, thanks for not replying but goodnight! I don’t think so.

God damn.

I just wrote that post and now I’m crying, listening to stupid sad music and I’ve wrapped myself up in a burrito blanket.
When will this end?
I feel so pathetic.

Oh, fuck

So, j and I are still fighting. He’s still mad about yesterday and I’m mad that he reacted the way he did. We are both stubborn so I’m not sure how this will get resolved. Earlier today, I felt so heartbroken that we were fighting about something so stupid. I felt like *whispers* breaking up.
It was bad, huh?
I didn’t do it because I convinced myself to think about it for a couple of days to see how things play out. It is easy to remember all of the bad parts of your relationship and it is hard to remember the good parts. I guess the bad parts just didn’t happen as often and I felt so hurt about them that it made them seem memorable. I’m sure everyone is like this. However, I will be doing something and I will randomly remember a good memory that j and I share. Like going to the zoo, going out on walks, meeting, etc. I just had a memory of him telling me that even if I went to a college 5 hours away (one way), he would visit me as much as he could because he loves me. I’m pretty much crying as I wrote this
I hope we resolve this but I’m really annoyed with him still. I don’t know. I’m trying to stand up for myself because I refuse to be disrespected in any way. That was a big issue in my past relationships/flings and I won’t have it anymore. However, standing up for myself is dragging things out a lot more.
I just want to get this fixed.. I want him to apologize because I already apologized and I sure as hell am not going to do it again. Fuck that!

Buttface

I told j what a buttface means yesterday and he thought it was funny and I even called him a buttface yesterday. But today when I was joking with him over the phone, he freaked out on me when I called him a buttface?
It just doesn’t make sense to me because we were both having a good day, we were joking around and talking on the phone like we normally do but he suddenly just hung up on me, didn’t text me back for two hours and then he told me that ” he wasn’t in the mood” !!!
How is that my fault? Why take it out on me?
I told him not to talk to me until he felt better. I’m a little fed up.

February 20th, 2014

Last time I went to therapy, I told my therapist of what my mom said to me one time. She found it so shocking that my mother could be so mean to me about my weight.
I immediately regretted telling her afterwards because even though she can be mean, I love with with all of my being and I don’t like anyone thinking or talking bad about her. I over-exaggerate things too sometimes.
I love my mom. She can be mean sometimes but I love her so much. My heart aches so hard when I think that someday, she will die.

February 10th, 2014

I flaked on j..again. I don’t know why I do it! I can tell he is getting tired of me. He told me that he is mad/frustrated with me because we never see each other/I always cancel our plans. When I told him that I was sorry, he said “whatever. I was expecting it to happen.”
I feel really hurt but I know it’s my fault and that he has the right to be upset.
I want to make it up to him but I don’t know how.
I hope we will be okay in time for valentines day. Kind of cliche but I want that day to be special for us.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Sometimes, I really just want to tell some people, “you know what? You really want to make me kill (or severely hurt) myself sometimes, just to see if they changed the way they behaved towards me. For example, I would like to tell my mom and dad that, to see if they’d stop hassling me about my weight. I’d also like to say that to my psychology professor so he would stop picking on me. My hope would be is that after I said such a thing, they would stop behaving the way they do. They’d be nicer and more careful with their words. They’d realize that I am also a human, capable of feeling every emotion they are also capable of feeling except I am maybe more sensitive, in a way. I guess it’s just my need to always be the victim coming out again. I can’t help it though. Wouldn’t you like it if you could make someone behave differently towards you just by saying how you actually felt?

But no. We have to swallow our feelings and push through life because we are supposed warriors who can handle anything and if I were a Christian, I would probably say something mundane like “God will never give you more than you can handle” or some bullshit like that. How stupid.

I am a ticking time bomb

Of emotions. I just helped my dad scrape a lot of snow out of the driveway and it was really hard. He kept telling me to do it a certain way but I told him that I had to so it a different way because the way he wanted me to do it was too hard for me. I guess he took that as complaining and he told my mom. When I got in, feeling scolded and hurt but also proud because I shoveled a lot of snow, my mom told me that my dad was sick of me. I couldn’t take it anymore. It felt so unfair. I helped out so much but it wasn’t appreciated.
It’s like this with all situations, in a way. If I get in trouble or overwhelmed, it’s like the key to my grenade was taken off and I am just waiting to see how long it takes me to explode.
What a bummer. I feel so worthless. The feelings of wanting to self harm are coming back and I want to purge and I want to binge and I want to harm myself in every way possible but I won’t because I’m a coward.