In Light of Internal Screaming

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In my last post, I explained how I was ghosted by this boy I had gone on a date within how I was feeling about the whole thing.

I was super upset and I am still pretty upset. Though this had never happened to me until now, these types of situations are the worst. Because I thought the date went well, and I can’t think of why it wouldn’t have been good, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the kind of closure that I want. It’s not the type of thing where I know I fucked up and I can say, “oh, well I was a little too nervous or annoying so that’s why he didn’t text back and that’s fine.” But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t too nervous and I wasn’t annoying.

This isn’t even really about the boy. Because the boy is whatever, he can go do whatever he wants. But the negative feelings I am having are in relation to the rejection I am feeling. I could say, “fuck that guy,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel weird about it all.

I guess I just knew why. Not that it would really matter, you know? It’s not like I want to know why just to try to change how I interact with others. But I just want to have the closure of knowing whyyyy.

I’ve been feeling pretty insecure because of being rejected. I know that’s silly since I’m being this way over a guy I had just met. It just brought up a lot of negative feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. and they’ve been bad feelings.

I guess I’m also not feeling myself because in a few days, it’ll be the anniversary of the last time I saw Molly. I miss her a lot. I remember everything about that day.

The other day, I was reading a post about a book someone had made about the last message someone received from someone –whether it was from an ex-lover, or from someone that died. It made me feel bad.

The last message Molly sent me was a video of herself at the beach. She wrote, “I’m sorry about what I said to you. I was out of line.”

I never replied. I’m crying as I write this haha. I just have so many regrets about what happened with us. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her.

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