Monthly Archives: May 2015

I’m sad and feel like a failure

I’m currently sitting in the parking lot by the marina because my parents think I’m at class. They don’t know that I withdrew. I haven’t told them yet.

So I’m sitting here for another three hours, fucking around cause I’ve got nothing else to do.
I’m withdrawing from the college and applying again in the fall, so I can redo the classes I didn’t do well on this term. The program I’m applying to doesn’t like class repeats so by withdrawing, the classes I’m not doing well on show as W’s on my transcript. I wasn’t even going to get a C in the class and I need a solid A. It’s apparent that this is what was needed to be done. I just wish the car accident hadn’t fucked me up so much.

My girlfriends addiction is rampant. She keeps saying she will try harder and be better but it’s just not happening. I know it’s her addiction and it isn’t her. But it’s hard to not be frustrated when someone you love is harming themselves in a very significant manner. Compressed air is so dangerous. 

I’m honestly scared she’s going to die one of these days.
I love my girlfriend so much but this is really taking a toll on me. I am constantly worrying about her. She is constantly lying to me. 

It feels like our relationship is diminishing and losing the strength it once had. 

I’m trying to be supportive.

I’m trying, trying, trying.

I read up on articles and do my own research. I’ve even gone to support groups for those who have a loved one going through addiction.
There’s only so much I can do to help her. I constantly remind myself that I cannot fix Jamie, that Jamie has to do it for themselves. I just feel so helpless.
In this moment, it is hard to feel hopeful when Jamie keeps abusing substances and keeps relapsing. It is coping with losing your girlfriend and coping with the possibility of not even having a future with the anymore. It is coping with the fact that you might not be able to live together. It is coping with not being able to get married. It is coping with not being able to have a family.

I’m losing my girlfriend and my heart aches so badly. 

In lieu of everything, I’m so incredibly depressed. I constantly feel like there’s nothing I can do with/for myself. It’s hard to convince yourself otherwise when so much in your life is complete shit. 

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Withdrawing from college

I really have not been doing well, especially this past month.I was doing so good in chemistry but my car accident happened and my grades have been dropping so much.

I already dropped my biology class this term and I’m only in chemistry now. I’m afraid I’m going to have to withdraw from the college.

Besides maybe withdrawing, I was already planning on not coming back for at least two terms. I’m just not in a good place right now and I need to focus on myself. 

I have been taking college courses full time ever since I was 16 (up to 20 credits) and I just feel so burnt out.

I feel so worn down. 

I just feel like I really cannot do this right now. And it pains me because I’m always so serious and on top of things in regards to school. School is my #1 priority. And it hurts me because I won’t be able to apply for the dental program this year like I had planned.

But I’m going to have to do this.

I just can’t keep taking classes if I know I won’t be able to keep up in them and get good grades. I am wasting my money taking classes and dropping them.

I feel like right now, this is the best thing to do.

support system

I feel like I really don’t have a good support system and I don’t even know where to begin to find one.
This week has been really horrible for me. My dad basically hates me and refuses to even acknowledge me. My girlfriend went to the hospital for inhalant abuse (she’s home now and is doing much better btw). I was really sad about my girlfriend being in the hospital and was very depressed the next day –my mom took it personally and responds in a gas lighting manner and doesn’t talk to me either.

The intrusive thoughts screaming “no one loves you!! No one loves you!! No one fucking cares about you!!” Don’t seem like intrusive thoughts anymore, they feel like reality.
I feel like I’m in those cartoons where one of the characters is running on a bridge and the bridge is quickly deteriorating behind them. Or when they’re trying to climb a rope quickly but they then start grasping at air because they’ve run out of rope.

  

I feel like I am exhausting my support options. I have gone to the doctor twice expressing that I really am not feeling good and that the medicine isn’t helping. They can’t help me because they don’t specialize in that. I tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist. The earliest I could get was in August. All the other psychiatrists in the area are not accepting new patients. 
I wish, mostly, that when my parents say that they care and that they want a family therapy meeting, that they actually meant it. I wish that when they say they understand, that they actually did understand. I wish that when they say that they’re there for me, that they actually were there for me.

My girlfriend is in the hospital

My girlfriend abused inhalants (compressed air) and it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

They are currently in the hospital. The nurses and doctors suspect that she is still coming off of the drugs because she is responding very slowly. 

I’m scared that brain damage was done.
She is one of the best people in my life and it breaks my heart and tears me apart to see her go through this. So many questions go through my mind: what could I have done to help? What could I have done differently? Why did she do this? Why didn’t she reach out for help? Why didn’t she just confide in me?
I feel so heartbroken.

We are in Oregon and her parents are in New York. I have been in contact with them and her mom is thinking of flying out here and taking her back to New York if they can’t function by themselves.

I feel so fucking depressed. We were supposed to move in together soon. We were supposed to get married someday. We were supposed to have a corgi and kids together someday.
I’m being ripped apart bit by bit. 

When You Don’t Matter

It has been a couple of weeks since my parents found out, through seeing a post on Facebook, that Jamie is transitioning.

My mom talked to me about it immediately. My dad talked to me about it just now.
Both of my parents are very homophobic and in the past, when they even found out that Jamie was queer (they just knew about her, not me), they stopped talked to me for maybe two weeks, the first day being my birthday.
That was with just finding out that the person I am dating is queer. They didn’t even know about me.
I had told my mom that I had planned to hang out with Jamie tomorrow. My dad butted in. This is how the conversation with.
Him: Now that you brought that up, we are going to discuss this straight-forward. What is Jamie to you?
Me: Well we are dating, you know that
Him: No I mean what is Jamie. Is he a man or a woman or what?
Me: Jamie is a girl
Him: and what are you?
Me: a girl
Him: So what are you doing with her. That is wrong
Me: because I like them
Him: Yeah but that’s wrong and you’re not going to date them
Me: Ok, well, that isn’t your decision to make so I’m going to keep dating them
Him: so you’re just going to do whatever you want then? Fine, but don’t expect to count as anything towards me
So there it is.
I don’t count as anything towards my dad. And I know he means it because he has been sitting on this for weeks now.
So that’s that and I can’t stop crying and I have such a horrible feeling inside of me.

Update:

I found a good therapist. She’s very nice. After I told her some of the feelings I have been having just in general and also related to my accident, she said, “you sound really depressed.”

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.
I am working with two other doctors besides her that she referred me to because I’m all sorts of fucked up.
I also got a job. My first real job. But I’m also quitting within the week. It is really, really hard work and though I know I can get used to it, I cannot get used to the people. Having to work really hard, at a quick pace is very difficult in combination with shitty coworkers.
I work in the deli department in a chain grocery store. We serve cold salads, lunch meats, and hot prepared foods. I like interacting with customers so often on a daily basis, and I don’t mind much that it is hard work. But I cannot stand my coworkers. I know that in every job environment, you find people that you don’t like. But It is getting to be too much for me. I almost had a panic attack the other day. Everyone at my job, with the exception of a few people, is just looking and waiting to see who does something wrong. So they can report it and ridicule you.
No thanks.
But, with quitting my job, it also brings on a lot of feelings. I am feeling very worthless because I’m not doing well in my anatomy class, and I can’t even keep a job. A job that doesn’t even require education. I feel so incredibly stupid. Like I can’t do anything right.
I’m feeling very sad and depressed lately. It comes and goes in spurts.

Are you ok?

  

Here it is –the low point in my life is back. I knew it had to come back soon but damn, it just hit me so suddenly. I was doing ok on Tuesday. By Wednesday I could see a noticeable change. Thursday I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and nearly fainted from hyperventilating. Today is Friday and I feel a heavy cloud looming over me. 

I feel very lifeless. Like nothing matters. I have thoughts of how shitty of a person I am. I attribute it to how I don’t have many friends and it seems to make sense. It makes sense because who would ever want to be friends with such a shitty person.
The suicidal thoughts are back.
But.
I finally found a therapist. It took me one month of trying to get squeezed into the schedule but I’m in. 
Hopefully, I will feel better. Hopefully, I will be on medication again. Hopefully, I will be ok.