thinking out loud

Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

All I can do is move forward

Last night I had a really rough night. I found out I got a B in biology. I was off by two points to pass for an A, which is like pretty much nothing 😦
But anyways. I was super sad and was really getting down because I needed the A to try to reinstate financial aid. When I got into my car accident, I did so badly for school that my GPA dropped dramatically. I went from pretty much a 4.0 student to a 1.0 student (yeah, I know..).

So with getting the A, I would have been just over the margin of 2.0.

Also, you need a minimum of 2.5 to apply for the program I want to go into. It really sets me back. I would have to get an A in both anatomy and chemistry next term in order to also be just over the margin.

I was seriously ready to give up and was honestly having a lot of self harm thoughts.

However, I went to bed and this morning I’m feeling better. I know that I went through a lot this term with the death of Molly and I’m surprised I was so close to an A. 

Also I know I have time. I feel like because of parents immigrated here, I feel so much more pressure to do well. Because the fact of it is, is that they came here for a better life, and that includes me having better schooling. But big picture, I am barely turning 21. I have so much time and I can’t beat myself up about it so much. 

I am going to push on, appeal to financial aid, and try really hard on my science courses next term.
I can’t give up. I know I can do this. 

I passed my biology class with a B

And I feel so fucking horrible. Like a complete failure.

I needed an A to be able to apply to the program I wanted to this year. 

I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts and I just really felt like this would be my term. Like this would be the term I did well in. I spent so much time studying.

I’m so sad.

On being in a new relationship

SO I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here, but I got in a new relationship. I did this a month before Molly died. I think I unconsciously did it out of spite.

The person and I have been seeing each other since March, first casually and then romantically. I do love them, and they say that they love me. They said it first, actually. But I don’t know if I’m ready.. And honestly I don’t know if I’m saying it back out of habit.

I like telling people I love them. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like they know I care about them. And I care about this person a lot. But I feel like…because I never really got over Molly, I compare them a lot. And Molly always wins. This person has issued with codependency and I do too so it’s not like I can be so critical. But it just gets to be too much sometimes honestly.

I guess.. It’s not so much that THEY are too much. I’m just kind of emotionally unavailable right now. I think about Molly ALL the time. So much. And I miss her so, so much. I cry nearly every day about her. And I’m SO busy right now. I’m trying to apply to a professional program and I’m so busy trying to get my grades up.

I know that I should be socializing but it also feels like being in a relationship really deters me and holds me back for some things. It’s different when you see someone casually. Sure, you can message each other often, but there isn’t or shouldn’t be expected anything in the end. IMO.

I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship. I didn’t think about how busy I would be. I didn’t know that Molly would die.

But relationships are a lot of work. It isn’t jus them that can be too much. It’s me too. And it is so emotionally draining. They’ll get upset because I can’t hang out as often as they want. I’ll get upset because they suck ass at talking via text messages.

I HAVE thought about breaking up with them. But I feel so bad. They really like me and I wish I could like them as much as they like me. But I can’t right now. 

I don’t want to hurt their feelings because they say this is the first “healthy” relationship they’ve been in. We are FB official so I also feel like it’d be fucked up and embarrassing on my part too to change it to single after only a few months. Idk!! I’m struggling and I wish there was an easy answer. 

I know they wouldn’t want to stay friends afterwards and that sucks too. 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m making poor, impulsive choices and it is fucking everything up. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m overwhelmed or if it’s really how I feel. 

I always want to fix my parents’ problems for them.

Often times, I find myself wanting to get in the middle of their fights just to get them to stop. Actually, it’s not even wanting to do it. I do do it. Every time.

Both of my parents are very stubborn and they don’t like admitting they’re wrong. Small, petty fights are drawn out to be long, bitter fights.
I’ve talked about this before on a separate blog. I’ve also talked to my therapist about it. The answers are the same –I am not responsible for my parents. I know that, I do. But I also don’t want them to fight or get divorced. I think that would hurt even more. And so I do try to me the mediator a lot.

My brother is 14 and I guess, I try to fix my parents’ problems so that he won’t have to have divorced parents. If it happens, I just don’t want it to happen when he’s still young. I’m also doing it for myself. It hurts me because my parents will get mad at me if I don’t take their side. Their response when I try to talk to them about it is, “why am I always the bad guy?”

I wish they wouldn’t see it that way. 
There’s not really much to say in this post. I’m just posting it to vent. It’s kind of all I do on this blog and actually, I made it with the intent of just having to vent. So excuse me to any of my followers if I seem negative all the time. Good things do happen to me and I have good people in my life. But this is kind of the first place I go to when I want to talk about troubling things that are on my mind.

Anyways, I wish this wasn’t the situation blahblah. Who would? 

Bitterness and Forgiveness

I am often a bitter person. Being wronged by someone upsets me. It upsets me because many times, I feel like I really put my all into someone or something. To not be recognized for that or to be sort of backstabbed is hurtful. It makes me feel bitter and petty.

The last time Molly and I officially talked to each other, we got upset. I told her that I was tired of being jerked around and treated like I didn’t matter. She said she felt the same way and that she was tired of being manipulated.

That upset me a lot because I felt like I put in SO MUCH towards her. I tried so much and, essentially, deteriorated and wore myself away because of trying to take care of her. Because I was codependent. I didn’t think I was manipulative, I thought she was. It was annoying to hear that I was the one being manipulative.

I told her goodbye. We left it at that. We were already kind of sick of each other I think. Not on a big picture basis, but we just kept getting on each others nerves. I was constantly upset because I felt like she wasn’t trying to get help for her addiction. I felt that she wasn’t trying. She would be upset with me because I nagged her about doing a lot of things; i.e. going to therapy, calling for appointments, etc. I thought that I was being helpful. I should have just let her figure it out for herself. My mindset was that I didn’t want her to fuck everything up more than she already had.

Anyway, she went off to rehab again and we didn’t talk for more than two months. I was still very hurt, but I secretly wanted to know how she was doing. I would check her social media every day to see how she was. To see if she missed me.

I didn’t actually know when she was getting out of rehab, until I decided to check out her twitter one day and she had posted about it. It felt like my heart sank to my stomach. I was scared. I was scared because honestly, the relationship between us was tearing me apart and I would get so bad in terms of mental illness whenever she got back. I was scared I would give in, talk to her again, and fall into the codependent cycle again. But, god, I knew that deep in my heart, I missed her so much.

I had decided to cut her off. I did it because I knew I needed to. But I also did it because I was still angry, petty, and bitter.

She sent me a message on snapchat maybe a week after she got out. I had forgotten to block her on that and so that’s how she got through I guess. The message said, “I’m sorry for how I talked to you last time. I was out of line.”

But it wasn’t enough for me. I was SO angry. The anger just stemmed from me really putting myself out there and then feeling like I got slapped in the face for it. I never replied.

I was so angry that I never wanted to even talk about her. I got upset if someone tried to talk to me about her or asked me how she was doing.

She died two weeks later. I still feel so bad and I am filled with so much regret that I had built up so much bitterness and anger towards her. I really did want to be friends with her again.

I’m sad that I was so angry about what she had done that I never wanted to talk about her. All I want to do now is talk about her. Constantly, constantly, constantly.

I think that by ignoring her, I was being manipulative a bit. I think I am manipulative in small, subtle ways. I always want to be the victim and I always play myself out to be so.

But, I did eventually want to reconnect. I just needed time to process my anger.

It feels like that feeling when they describe in books or movies where someone regrets not talking to their parents or being mad at them, and then something happens to them, like they get in an accident or something and then they die. It feels like that sort of regret.

Since then, I have been trying really hard to dispel my bitterness quicker. I still do feel the initial anger and bitterness. But instead of feeding it and constantly thinking about it, letting it build up, I try to rationalize what is happening. I try to think, “is this worth getting so upset over?”

It usually isn’t.

It has also caused me some sort of trouble though.

The other day, I got upset with my mom. After I had gotten upset, she left to go run some errands. I started thinking, “shit, what if something happens to her and I never get to tell her I was sorry?” I didn’t want that to happen to me ever again. I wanted to call her and tell her I was sorry. But then I thought, “what if she answers while she’s driving, gets distracted by me, and she crashes?” I thought, hmm maybe I should text her. The thought that followed was, “what if I text her, she tries to look at the text while she’s driving, and she still dies?”

I’ve just been having a lot of intrusive thinking lately.

The point of this post is that I have been trying to not be so bitter. I know that what happened to Molly isn’t my fault. I try really hard to remind myself that. But I do feel a lot of regret towards how our relationship as lovers and as friends ended.

I really don’t want that to ever happen again.

Extended Family

I’ve always had all of my family on Facebook. and I mean ALL of my family. I definitely set my settings so that they don’t see particular posts, though. I don’t want them to know anything about my political beliefs or religious beliefs. That won’t go down well and I don’t have the patience for that.

My aunt (and her husband) and my uncle came to portland to visit us. It was all fine but my extended family (on my dad’s side) can be SO dramatic. It’s the reason I never want to go visit any of them. I don’t visit my grandma too often because she has dementia, but the kind where your personality completely changes. She’s incredibly dramatic and lies about everything and makes herself to be the victim all the time. It can get to be too much. She argues about everything and it is just really stressful.

 

Anyway!!! Lots of drama happened over this visit and basically it made me want to distance myself from them even further.

All 3 of my dad’s sisters open up to my mom, but my mom is very blunt. But that’s what people like about her. She won’t bullshit you, she will tell you the straight-up truth. Anyway, my aunts at one point opened up to her and didn’t like the answer they got lol. Though, I would have answered the same. As a result, they started ostracizing my mom and like just being rude?? Like, all was fine and dandy until one of my aunts (the one that came to visit) took something personally that my mom said. My mom had invited her to go shopping the next day so that my aunt could distract herself, as her daughter just died from cerebral palsy. That was nice, right? Because she took whatever the thing was personal, she completely ignored my mom. No calls, no texts. NOTHING. Just being completely ignorant and rude and not even saying anything. Just taking shit behind my moms back instead of saying “hey i didn’t like what you said” like a reasonable person would do.

Anyway that pissed my mom off and it pissed me off too. It isn’t fair. EVERYONE in my extended family asks my mom or medical advice because she is a nurse. Things like “oh why does my chest hurt, what can i do for xxx, blahblahblah” So I feel so PISSED that they use my mom like that but completely fuck around with her otherwise. My mom is sick of it and said to me “if they ask me about something, ANYTHING again, i’m just going to say ‘i don’t know'”

My mom deleted them all from Facebook, which i understand.
I am going to delete them too. They didn’t do anything outwardly towards me, but they did it to my mom. And though my mom and I have a complicated relationship, I love her more than anything and will not have someone fuck with her.

Regardless, I’ve always thought that once I “got older” (as if I’m not an adult right now lol) and moved out, I would probably never see them again. I would maybe only see them at holidays, if that. This became very apparent when I went off to university. I seriously expected my family or at least my grandparents to call me once a week or something. I visited them ALL THE TIME so i thought they would miss me.
They NEVER called. My parents rarely called but they were super busy and stressed out so I understand. But my family? My grandma even lied to everyone and said that she tried to call me but that I said that “I didn’t want to talk and just hung up on her.” AS IF I WOULD EVER DO THAT. Ugh!! Anyway, I know they care about me on SOME level. But only on the level that i think is like “oh i HAVE to care about them because we are blood-related…” not any other reason.

I dunno man. I’m feeling annoyed and like I’m annoyed with all of them too. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but i kind of don’t mean for this post to be something for people to read. i just needed to get it off my chest.

never enough pt. II

For my parents, it’s never, “how are you doing? How is your depression? Are you doing ok? Have you been having suicidal thoughts? Are you going out? Are you isolating? How are you eating? How have you been doing with the loss of Molly?”

They know I struggle with all of those. Those are all a deeply ingrained part of my depression.

Instead, it is “how was school? How are your grades? How was your last test? Are you trying? Why is this a B and not an A?”

My parents support me in many ways. They provide food and shelter, they pay for my bills. But they both do not provide me with any emotional support. It feels like they don’t care. That isn’t something important.

To them, if I’m faltering in school it is never because I’m depressed. That’s not a good enough reason for them. To them, if I’m faltering means that I’m being lazy, not trying, and that I don’t care.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. My grades have improved so much. I have literally been either failing or barely passing my classes for the past two years. I’ve been in such a deep depression these past two years that even sometimes, it feels like it is too much and it feels like suicide is a rational answer. Still, I push through and try my best to communicate my needs to the people around me. 

I do tell my parents how I’m doing. I do tell them how I’m feeling or if I’m having suicidal thoughts. In the moment, they care. They tell me I can talk to them about anything and that they’re there for me. But it feels like in reality, it goes in through one ear and out the other. They don’t actually show me that they care. 

I just showed my mom my grades because she is paying for my classes. I have a high B in biology and a C in anatomy. But, if you see for anatomy, my first test happened the week of Molly’s death. My test scores have been going up.

But she doesn’t see that. She doesn’t care. And so she isn’t paying for my classes. My last payment installment is nearly $400 and I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel really sad and I feel like such a failure.