Tag Archives: college

Failure

I am probably going to fail another class. I spoke with my professor about taking an incomplete. He said that it would probably be better to withdraw from the college and attempt when I feel better. Going back to the cycle. It never ends.

I can’t help but think that sometimes I use my mental illness as an excuse. But is it really an excuse? I feel like I’m being manipulative. I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid that I let myself get to this point again.

I feel really fucking shitty.I feel hopeless and like I’ll never reach my goals. I feel like there’s so many people exactly like me, too. Bipolar, with big dreams. I haven’t accomplished anything and I’m in debt from my failed attempts. 

Was it ever attainable? Or have I always been kidding myself? Is this growing up? Or growing pains?

I don’t know if I’ll ever pull it together.

Update: 4/26/17

Life has been ok lately.

I started the new school term early April. I’m maybe three weeks into the term. It hasn’t been terribly bad but I’m also slacking in, you guessed it, anatomy. It’s so hard to remember so much. But I have to get a good grade because my gpa sucks 😦

A girl that I had started becoming good friends with loved to Alaska. I’m really sad about it. We text every day but I wish we could actually hang out in person. She was a good influence in the sense that she was also bipolar so it felt good to have someone that also went through the same things I do.

I’ve been seeing someone seriously since January. We had been talking since September but since I was so infatuated with that other asshole, I wasn’t really paying attention to this one. He is really nice.

We aren’t casual. But we aren’t in a relationship. I hate being in a relationship without a relationship title. 

Backstory: his job is in demand and recruiters from all states are often calling him and offering him bonus’ as an incentive to move. He got an offer in chicago that he said he would be considering in June.

Last night, he was drunk and suddenly said, “I think I would feel bad if I asked you to be my girlfriend and then two months later, had to move for my job.” Naturally, I am hurt. Deep down, i already knew that this was the case. But I was hoping so much that it wasn’t. I am so naive so much of the time, it’s ridiculous. Rationally, i know I should appreciate his honesty and I know I should be pragmatic. But I get so emotional so fast. When I fall for someone, i fall hard. I put a lot of myself to show how I feel about them.

So I’m feeling stupid because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of showing small acts of “”love”” and it feels like it’s for no reason. It now feels like I’m just being lead on or more, being strung along. I don’t think that it’s fair for me to be involved romantically with someone exclusively only to be waiting for the expiration date. 

My friend asked me, “does he make you happy? Do you have a good time with him? Maybe you should just ride it out.” And I certainly do. I love spending time with him and I love being around him. But I don’t know that I can just ride it out. I feel too move I think for that to be healthy for me. I am too sensitive.

It is also a little confusing for my heart. The other day, he said that he could get a spare key for his apartment, so I could come and go as I please. That’s obviously not casual relationship behavior. So everything is feeling so intense without there being a reason for me to take it so intensely.

It is something I have to think about because I don’t want him to leave while I’m still involved, and have myself fall into a deep depression because of it. Wouldn’t it be better to just let go now? Wouldn’t it be easier in the long run? When I fall into situations like this, letting go for me means ghosting. It means telling them, “this isn’t working out, k thnx bye,” blocking them, and just pushing them out of my life. I hate to do that because I feel so much for him.

I don’t really know what to do.

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

Life Right Now…

Has been very hectic. I am constantly working overtime, and even coming right after class on my days off, when I have school, so that I can get more hours. I didn’t really get financial aid assistance and taking out more loans makes me super nervous. I have a loan that I had taken out in 2014 for when I went to university and it was a lot. I obviously didn’t continue going to that university and honestly, I feel super guilty about that loan all the time because my dad cosigned for it. At one point, I felt really depressed and suicidal over it. But, I couldnt actually harm myself since my dad cosigned and if I wasn’t alive, then he would have to taken on my burden and that would make me feel worse.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been working a lotttttt. I am part time but I am working hours that make me closer to full-time…without the benefits. I also took on too many credits for school. Last term I was taking 9, with just anatomy and chemistry and it was really hard. I took on 15 this term because two of those classes are sociology classes. I took them on because they seemed like easy courses and I really need my GPA to be higher. And they are easy. But it is extra work and it takes longer to finish than I had anticipated. So that’s going on as well.

I honestly haven’t had any time to be with friends, but I really try to squeeze someone in if I really want to see them. I went on a date the other day and it went good.. I think. It was someone that I had been talking to since literally September. But I had been seeing that dumb guy from before until last month and because I was so into him, I didn’t try to make time to meet anyone else. It went well, I think. He said he wants to hang out again. He was nice.

Speaking about the dumb guy.. I had been seeing him since early September and literally stopped talking to him the last day of 2016. At the time, I didn’t have the intention of never talking to him again. But then he wouldn’t text me first.. and because I feel like I often text people first all the time, I didn’t want to do it again. Needless to say, up to this day, I still have not received the first text I wanted. I definitely felt hurt in the beginning, and very angry. I still feel upset to be honest. I am more at peace with the fact that we aren’t seeing each other and I don’t wish him any harm and have no ill feelings. But I guess it just isn’t a good feeling just to be dropped like that, you know?
I guess I should consider it a blessing in disguise, since I was so stupidly infatuated and he wasn’t and would take advantage of it. I deleted him from my phone contacts. I have yet to delete him on social media but have only allowed myself until the end of the month to mourn the whole shebang. One more day until I force myself to amputate this dead relationship. It doesn’t feel very good because this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I think it’s a little funny because in late December, I had mentioned to him that I think it’s nice that we stayed friends and were constantly talking.. he had agreed.

I’m talking to two other people right now, besides the guy I went on a date with. I haven’t met either of them yet. I am supposed to be hanging out with one of them sometime soon. The other day, they told me that they “like” me, and they meant it in a way that is beyond platonic and beyond puppy love feelings I think. He is on the older side, and I get the impression that he is just lonely. It is obviously just infatuation. Saying that though, makes me feel a little bad. Because I clearly get infatuated so fucking easily. I guess we’ll see how things go.
I just started talking to the other guy and he seems cool and interesting. He is closer to my age. I don’t know enough about him to really say if I like him or now (jk, didn’t I just say I get infatuated really easily?)

 

I’ve been pretty stable for a while, too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had serious suicidal thinking in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. The last time I felt really bad and suicidal way probably the end of last school-term. So.. early December? I guess it just feels like I long time because I have a breakdown literally every single month. But I’ve been doing all right. Maybe I’m just keeping myself busy enough that I don’t even really have time for those kinds of thoughts. On that note, I am proud of myself for relatively keeping on top of all of my responsibilities. I have not fallen behind in homework or in my courses yet. I’m definitely struggling with chemistry and anatomy, as they are my hardest classes. I actually have an anatomy exam later today, which I don’t feel too great about. But I know that I haven’t invested enough time in that class and that it is just a matter of studying more. I’m not feeling amazing but I’m not feeling terrible. I’m also not just miserably pushing through each day. I’m just…ok.

 

So! That’s life right now. I’m drowning in homework and adore the attention I’m receiving. What’s new?

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A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.

my bipolar disorder feels so debilitating sometimes

Well, not sometimes. Most of the time. It literally feels like I will never accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish.

I literally think of dying every single day, multiple times a day and that makes getting through the day so much harder. Knowing that I am not getting better but rather, getting worse, makes me feel so fucking hopeless.
Faltering in school because of constantly feeling suicidal and hopeless elevates these feelings so much more, too.

I feel like I will always be a burden on my parents, despite how badly I want to not be.

I feel like I got so far this school term. I have invested so much time and money into this school term, and it’s energy that I can honestly say “I tried.”

I literally had a high B the entire term up until last week. Then a C. I have an exam today and I’m not feeling good about it and use fucking knowing that I was doing so well and that this isn’t a result of me not trying, but a result of a mental illness makes me so fucking angry. It feels really unfair and it feels like everything got ripped away so quickly. It feels like all the effort I made was useless. And I can’t even say, “oh, well this will serve as a lesson for next time and now I know what I need to do differently” because I DIDN’T do anything wrong. I just got bad again. And that’s always unpredictable. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how consistent I am with my meds and therapy I am, this is always going to be something that happens. This is always always always going to be an issue.

How can you succeed when the thing you need to fix is unfixable and unpredictable?
You don’t.

Lately

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This is me. I am Carol. 

It’s been difficult for me these days.

Here are some things that have been happening.

-I’m sick. I don’t mean mental health sick, or “fucked up” sick. But I feel terrible. I don’t know if I’m feeling sick as a result of my mental illness or if I’m legitimately like virus-type sick. I’ve been feeling tired all day. I’ve been feeling this way for the past three weeks. It’s ruining some of my interpersonal relationships. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I helped my mom run errands yesterday. In the intervals when we would be in the car getting to the next location, I would just fall asleep immediately. Something is wrong with me. My body is tired and sore.

– My parents are fighting again. Every time the fights are bad, my mom hints that she’s going to get a divorced because she’s “sick of dealing with this.” The fights are never bad, like, physically bad. And my parents don’t call each other names. But rather, they are passive-aggressive bad. They are bad in the way that they don’t talk to each other and ignore each other. I am really sad whenever this happens.
My culture has a very difficult relationship with seeking help for personal issues, whether it be marital problems or problems stemming from mental health. It isn’t that people from my culture are stupid, or anything. But we are ignorant, and this is because of the way it’s been for years. It is the attempt at trying to preserve our culture and keeping with traditional ways that keeps us ignorant. My mom is pretty progressive, but my dad isn’t. As a result, he refuses to go to a marriage counselor.

Right now, after noticing that this time it’s my dad who’s causing the fight, I am trying to come to terms that maybe this is for the best. I read some articles and realized that it is selfish of me to try to keep trying to keep my parents together, which is what I’ve always done. I’ve always tried to be the middle-man in an attempt to make things better, even if it stresses me out and is ruining my mental health at that time. I guess, I currently realize that if my parents are constantly angry with each other and it seems to be a never-ending cycle, they should do whatever they deem best.

I say this with using “I CURRENTLY think.” I say this as I know I will get extremely sad and go against what I’m saying later on.

-I think that I am going to end the relationship I am in. I started dating the person I am dating back in May. I had broken up with a previous significant other in February, and I had been with them for two years. I honestly think that I got in this relationship out of spite towards the other person. I wanted so badly for them to see how badly they hurt me, and because of that, I was trying to be happy with someone else. One month after I got in the new relationship, my previous partner died of an overdose. I feel like that hit me really hard and that’s when I realized, what the fuck am I doing? I’ve tried to make it work. But it isn’t just me. The person I’m dating has their own issues and sometimes, it’s things that i really can’t deal with. For example, I’ve been needing a lot of space lately. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, they said that they were typically the person that tries to not be serious and not be in monogamous relationships. But as soon as we started dating, that completely changed. They said they were in love with me. They got clingy and dependent. I cannot do that. I can’t even try. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been really tired. I have no energy. It’s beginning to feel like I have no energy to put towards this relationship, too.
I am lonely. I have been very lonely ever since my ex-partner died. I was angry towards them but deep down, I still loved them very much and hoped that they would get it together so that we could date again. But obviously, they never did. But it is incredibly selfish of me to take my loneliness and do things that are harming other people. By knowing that I do not love the other person and staying with them despite this, I am hurting them. I tell them that my low energy level is temporary. But I know I am stalling. I’m stalling from dealing with bigger issues. I am a shitty person and I know I need to stop this. It’s hard. It is easy to read this and say, “wow you’re being really fucking shitty, like, stop.” That’s what I would think, at least. I guess there’s just so much more going on. I thought at one point that I loved this person. But once my ex died, I realized that I didn’t.

-My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall. 5MG to start with. I feel like this is good. I had been getting adderall in unethical ways (lol???) because I knew something was wrong. Not recreationally. But I used it when I needed to study. It helped a lot. I took the test they give you when assessing if this is something you might have, and apparently, I scored high enough on a clinical level. So I feel like even though I was first getting the medication in unethical ways, I wasn’t doing it to harm myself. I knew the implications and I knew that it was bad. But I did it because I thought it would be better for me and it would help me. That sounds like what a drug addict would say tbh but like, it did help me. And it turns out, I do have what I was expecting. I’ve only taken the 5mg pill once, as I’m currently on break from courses and don’t really have something I need to focus on. I don’t want to become dependent on these, either. But the time that I did take it, I felt like it worked. Not for long, but it did for a bit. Was it psychological? Maybe. But it still worked.

-I go back to school in two weeks. I am excited only because I want to be done. I am tired of being stuck in the limbo that is prerequisite courses. I should have been done two years ago. But I got really bad because of my mental health, and only recently got better because I learned how to reach out for help, if I needed it. I want so badly to get into the program because I feel ready to move forward. It isn’t just the rebellious teenager still living inside of me wanting to leave home. It’s feeling like, I am almost 21 (next month) and I should have gotten it together by now. I should have a career by now. I know that there is no time when someone “should” have their shit together. But this is never what I wanted for myself. Shit happens, I know. Life goes on, I know. But this is not what I envisioned my future to be.

 

Speaking of my future, sometimes I am really amazed and even proud of myself for even still being alive. Not in the way that a higher being has allowed me to live one more day. But in the sense that I have literally thought about suicide every single day since I’ve been 12 so like, it is really an anomaly lol. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting. Fleeting in the way that something bad will happen and I’ll immediately think, “fuck this sucks, I want to kill myself.” Sometimes it is more serious, and I will have a blade to my wrists or neck, of have a handful of pills ready in my hand. I’ve attempted in the past, but that was years ago. I think that the last time I seriously attempted was when I was 16. That was a long time ago, wow, I’m just realizing this. I guess I’m just proud of myself to be able to push through. I guess it is surprising to me that I am still alive. I always said to myself that I thought I would never live to be in my 20’s, because of my mental illness. Because I think of suicide so often. Sometimes i still think, wow, I’ll never get to my 30’s and I’ll never have a career or a stable relationship because it’s bound to happen soon.

Baby steps, I guess.

 

So that’s that. There’s what has been happening the last month. Most of the time, I come on here to talk about bad things happening in my life. I feel like that’s how it is for a lot of people that are mentally ill, or even people that are not mentally ill. We want to reach out to people and talk about ourselves when things are rough. We want advice and we want to be comforted. If things are going well, we don’t need to be comforted in the same sense. We are ok, we are sane, if only momentarily. So I guess that’s why a lot of my posts are mostly negative.

thinking out loud

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Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

All I can do is move forward

Last night I had a really rough night. I found out I got a B in biology. I was off by two points to pass for an A, which is like pretty much nothing 😦
But anyways. I was super sad and was really getting down because I needed the A to try to reinstate financial aid. When I got into my car accident, I did so badly for school that my GPA dropped dramatically. I went from pretty much a 4.0 student to a 1.0 student (yeah, I know..).

So with getting the A, I would have been just over the margin of 2.0.

Also, you need a minimum of 2.5 to apply for the program I want to go into. It really sets me back. I would have to get an A in both anatomy and chemistry next term in order to also be just over the margin.

I was seriously ready to give up and was honestly having a lot of self harm thoughts.

However, I went to bed and this morning I’m feeling better. I know that I went through a lot this term with the death of Molly and I’m surprised I was so close to an A. 

Also I know I have time. I feel like because of parents immigrated here, I feel so much more pressure to do well. Because the fact of it is, is that they came here for a better life, and that includes me having better schooling. But big picture, I am barely turning 21. I have so much time and I can’t beat myself up about it so much. 

I am going to push on, appeal to financial aid, and try really hard on my science courses next term.
I can’t give up. I know I can do this. 

I passed my biology class with a B

And I feel so fucking horrible. Like a complete failure.

I needed an A to be able to apply to the program I wanted to this year. 

I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts and I just really felt like this would be my term. Like this would be the term I did well in. I spent so much time studying.

I’m so sad.