Christmas on the 25th

We celebrated Christmas on the 25th. We usually celebrate on the 24th and have a get-together and karaoke until the dawn of day. Not on Christmas. We were all so sick and tired of each other, everything was over and done with by 8 PM.
It all started with my grandma, not surprisingly. She began by complaining that she didn’t feel well. She has a tendency of always doing this on holidays. Then, my aunt brought over someone that no one likes. He stayed for dinner, stuffed himself with food, and then left. No one likes his because he comes off as very pretentious and even though he’s full-on Mexican, he pretends that he doesn’t speak Spanish.
After dinner, we played charades. My grandma threw a tantrum. She was standing up and she said that she couldn’t walk and she started yelling and crying and talking in gibberish.
She wasn’t actually sick, she’s just really mentally ill. She just wanted attention.
It’s funny and it’s annoying because everyone was paying attention to her and she was yelling nonsense. But when we started ignoring her because we realized it was all an act, she “suddenly” got better.
I don’t even know if she has dementia or what.
It’s annoying because she does this every single holiday that our families get together. Then, she calls all the family that we have in Mexico and tells them that no one here cares for her so we all get shit.
We can never really have normal Christmas, let alone, a normal holiday.
I wish I was more understanding, considering I also suffer from mental illness but shit, am I that much of a burden too?

Jamie is Moving

Jamie is going to be living in a new space and what this means is that I can’t stay the night anymore.
It really sucks and I try to be understanding because I also understand that Jamie will be happier in this new place.
And I don’t NEED to stay the night.. It’s just that I’ve gotten used to staying the night at their place over on the weekend.
It just sucks so fucking bad. And I’m
Trying to be supportive and a “good sport” about it but in reality, it makes me anxious and sick to my stomach because it makes me feel like we are drifting away.
Something as simple as being able to lie next to each other for the weekend, and we cannot have that anymore.
It sucks so bad.
I would never tell this to Jamie. Which, in a way, makes me a coward. But I don’t ever want them to not take an opportunity of something because of me.
So I’ll just vent.
We had thought, “oh, maybe, I can stay with some of Jamie’s friends over the weekend since I can’t stay with Jamie themselves”
But I can’t even get the guts to look any of Jamie’s friends in their eyes. They are all so confident and well put together and so cute.
I’m a fucking jumbled up mess and I cry too much and I pretend like I know about what’s going on in my life.
I’m inadequate.
A shit-stain on the drawers of despair.
I fucking hate myself, and it’s written in permanent gold ink all over my face.

Something is wrong with me..

I had a really scary moment today. I think it was what you call a manic depressive moment.
I’m actually not sure what the correct terminology is.
But I can describe it.
I went over to my dad to ask him something and he didn’t respond to me. He was angry at my brother for breaking a plate earlier and when he’s mad at one person, he’s mat at everyone. I said, “papi” three times to him. He just looked at me and didn’t respond.
So I went into my mom’s room. My brother went to go talk to him and my dad responded to him! I felt so weird inside… Because he was mad at my brother and yet, he still responded to my brother. I hadn’t done anything to my dad but he did to respond to me.
My instincts told me and my irrational thinking quickly told me that my dad doesn’t love me. I broke down crying in my mom’s bedroom. I cried and cried and at the same time, I was sort of laughing because deep down, I know how absurd of a thought it was. I was crying and laughing at the same time. “I’m crazy,” I would think. And my brother and mom didn’t know what to do besides try to console me. “stop laughing at me!!” I yelled at them. “We aren’t laughing at you, Monica,” my mom responded.
I feel so fucking crazy. Something is wrong with me. I don’t know what it is.
I calmed down but was quickly talked to about my mental health by my mom. And we all know that she doesn’t quite seem to understand what goes on in my mind either so anything she said, I rolled my eyes to.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

My Grandmother’s Dementia

My grandma’s dementia has been getting so bad. It makes me really sad and frustrated. Sad because I hate seeing her like this and frustrated because it is sometimes frustrating how she reacts to things.
Sometimes she completely doesn’t know where she is, or she throws tantrums about meaningless things.
It makes me feel conflicted because I want to spend as much time as possible with her but I get angry and frustrated whenever I visit her.
I make sure to give her extra tight hugs whenever I visit her to make up for it. I breathe in the smell of her lotion so that maybe, I’ll never forget her. I’m afraid that I will. I’m afraid that my good memories of her will be tainted with bad memories of her. So I try to remember how her hands feel, how she smells, how she speaks, where she rests her hands on my back when she hugs me, so that I’ll at least be able to hold on to that when she passes.

Shroom trip

I “did” shrooms the other day with my partner. Is that how you say it, you “did” shrooms? I feel like that meme that says “I took five marijuanas and it ruined my life.” However you say it, I did it.
It was a strange and weird and cool experience. Although, I don’t think I would ever do it again.
It took an hour to kick in fully but I was seeing the walls melt and doors smiling at me maybe thirty minutes in. While I was waiting for it to kick in, I was lying in a bed and looking up at the drywall ceiling. Stories started appearing on the ceiling and before you know it, the ceiling was see-through and I thought I was under a tree. I was looking up into the roots of a tree.
My mind was racing a mile a minute and I was in a million places that entire night.
My partner has Christmas lights in their room and at one point, I thought I was at Hogwarts during Christmas time. I would lay back on the bed and I would appear at a train station and it would be snowing. I’ve never even been to a train station but I guess I was imagining it from what I’ve seen in movies. It was like one of the old-timey train stations.
I went to shopping malls a lot. More specifically, Safeway, Target, and K-Mart. Everything was funny to me.
My partner and I both had moments where we would cry together but they would, for the most part, be happy tears.
I remember specifically one time, I started crying because they called me beautiful and that they really mean it whenever they say it. I started crying because I admitted that I feel like no one ever means it. My self-confidence can be so low.
My partner also transformed into a lot of people and things and animals before my eyes. They were a cyborg, a pony, a tigress. All so beautiful to me.
Like I said before, my partner and I cried a lot together. We just feel like it is so beautiful how good we are at loving each other. It was emotional, in a good way.
It was weird because it was all over so suddenly. It all lasted about five hours for me.
It was all so vivid. I make it sound like it was the best thing ever but I had a killer migraine when it was all over and I didn’t even want to move. But I’ve never done anything like that before and it was just such a different experience than anything ever. And I’m glad that my partner was there with me. At one point, when it was the peak, I had to go to the bathroom and we hadn’t told their roommates that we were doing this so I was in the bathroom and I just started laughing hysterically. One of my partners roommates can be a real hard ass and he was just making these comments that made me feel so bad and they still stuck with me afterwards. Since it was at the peak, I started freaking out and seeing spiders and I was crying really hard but my partner calmed me down and we were laughing again before you know it. When I was crying at that point, it actually felt like I was crying so many tears. It felt like I was Alice from Alice in wonderland when she starts and fills up the room with her tears.

Anyway, my partner and I didn’t do anything except talk. We talked for hours together. And even during the trip, we said how we both loved how much we can talk to each other about so many things –regardless of the drugs. I feel closer to my partner because we talked SO MUCH, constantly. I’m glad I did it with them but I would not do it again.

TW: SUICIDE

My two triggers for suicidal thoughts are school and my family (more specifically, my parents).
It hasn’t happened yet but I can feel the anxiety and nervousness in me boiling up. I can only take so much until I explode and do something harmful to myself.
I haven’t really had problems with binge eating or self harm ever since I got to the college. I have been good about using the resources available here to try to prevent myself from harming myself in any way. But I feel like I’m using up my resources and that everyone is getting tired of me –that I’m only making excuses as to why I’m not doing well in my classes. I’m trying SO HARD to catch up. This always happens to me. It is also my fault though. I have bad habits. I procrastinate too much because I know I can finish/accomplish things quickly. I overestimate how intelligent I am.
I have only shed a couple tears about the fact that I might have to take a medical withdrawal from ALL my classes. I literally spent $7,000+ this term for nothing on just tuition. I feel numb and I feel like a failure. I’m not sure if I’m just bottling up my feelings.
I’m scared for the moment when my feelings aren’t bottled up anymore. How soon will it be? When can I expect it?
Everything is such a mess.