Monthly Archives: October 2016

No support system

This time around for school, I have no support system.
Right now, I am a part time student and I also work 24 hours a week. It has been difficult. I am part time, but the classes I am taking are very hard. They require a lot of outside work, like tutoring, lots of memorization, etc. I don’t live close to the college –I live an hour away. So going to tutoring and getting help is very difficult and a type of chore in and of itself.

My parents haven’t been very helpful this time around. My mom helped me pay for some of my classes this term, but told me that she wouldn’t do it for next term. So I am having to save up my paycheck money. Which is also hard because no one gives me gas money or money for essentials, and that all has to come out of my paycheck. I get paid minimum wage. So basically, I never have any money.

Molly used to be my support system. She was pretty much the only constant force in my life. I don’t feel comfortable going to my friends. Or at least, I even feel like they don’t want to talk to me. I feel like a burden. It feels like all the people I used to go to, were just as sad as me. But they’re better now, and so they’re not sad, and they probably don’t want to relate to the sadness. So I stay away. I’m single, and basically only have flings. But you can’t spill out how you’re feeling to booty calls. That just isn’t how that works out.

I have been isolating a lot lately. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this on here yet, but I am experiencing psychosis. I haven’t experienced this ever before and it is really scary. I am really paranoid about everything and everybody. I am hallucinating and am hearing things that aren’t really there and aren’t really happening. I really don’t like it. I don’t know how to make it go away. I had gotten a med increase just a week ago, and this started a little over a week ago. My therapist says to give it a couple more weeks, to see if it is actually the medicine and to see if we will have to do something about it.

Anyway, I am pretty proud of myself this term though. I am having the hardest time and I am having so many different obstacles being thrown my way, but for the most part, I am (sort of) sane. I am trying my best. I am doing ok.

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The Truth About Dating When You Have A Mental Illness

Getting close to someone is hard. It is hard to get close to someone when you have a mental illness.

How soon should you tell them you have a mental illness? How much should you disclose?

How long until they ask the details?
About the cutting.
The eating disorders.
The panic attacks.
The isolation.
The suicide attempts.

What happens when they ask?
And what happens after?

How soon is too soon? How much is too much?

Anyone else? 

I feel that it is only a matter of time before I do something to harm myself. Does anyone else with bipolar feel that way? I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. I currently have no suicidal thoughts, but the feeling of having every bad feeling accumulate is making me think ehhhh how long can I keep this up? How long before I reach my breaking point? 

Bleh

I got rejected today. It wasn’t under normal circumstances though…

I had been talking to a guy that is in an open relationship with his wife for a while. I’ve never met him, just because my life has been so hectic. I started talking to him in February, stopped in July, and started again in September.

We were really hitting off. I met him through a dating site. 

So anyways, we hadn’t talked in a while and I noticed this week that he had been looking at my profile a few times. I messaged him on the site and teased him about it. 

He texted me and laughed it off, but then proceeded to say that he and his wife discussed that it is best if he didn’t date someone as young as me. Because it made his wife uncomfortable. He’s 27 and I turned 21 today. 

So… I do feel hurt and it really does suck. But I do understand. And looking at the bigger picture, I’m not really anybody in his life. And even if I was, I wouldn’t try to do something with someone if all parties didn’t know about it or didn’t agree. That would be so, so wrong.

But yeah idk?? I feel hurt and it sucks to get rejected. I don’t know that I’ve ever been rejected in this sense.. I don’t think I’ve ever been just flat out rejected. So my feelings are kind of all over the place. Do you ever feel that? Knowing that while your hurt is valid, that the reason something hurts is probably for the best? 

Yeah. Idk. It probably wasn’t a good idea anyways. But I feel like so many people from my generation don’t like to commit. I have trouble with it too. I’m scared of love. So I thought it would be fine.

Ahh I feel so stupid writing about this. I wouldn’t tell anybody else this.. yeah.. so that’s that.
🎂🎂 Happy birthday to me, though 🎂🎂

UPDATE 10/14/16

My life has been very hectic lately. Hectic and busy.

I remember seeing all those memes at the beginning of the year about how 2015 was the worst year ever, and how we all wanted 2016 to be better (it wasn’t). I think about it and how it’s a little funny.

My life was a complete mess last year. I had gotten into a car accident, and that really messed with me. Molly started abusing drugs heavily. When I first met her, she came right out and told me that she was currently in an outpatient program because of drugs she abused. The drugs were cough medicine. I thought it was ok and I didn’t mind, because she was looking to better herself, you know? But everything turned to complete shit. And we pretty much didn’t even see each other that year. The was constantly in rehab, because she was constantly relapsing.

I was so fucking depressed. I was in the worst place possible. I kept failing my classes, I quit my job because I didn’t have the energy to put effort into it an that isn’t fair to them. I just literally got to rock bottom in 2015. I was always so sad that Molly would relapse so much. I didn’t understand addiction. I still don’t. All the mixed emotions at the time made me feel like she wasn’t trying. I wasn’t seeing the “big picture.” I was looking at the small details. The details I chose to look at.
That, in combination with my own mental health issues, probably made me into satan in the form of Molly’s girlfriend. Towards the end, I was not a good girlfriend. I know this and I regret that so deeply. I was pushy, naggy, and I wasn’t fun anymore. But to me, it was better to be that way rather than sit around and just let her kill herself with all the drugs. I just wanted her to get better. I still feel like all her friends and family think I’m the fucking devil for how I was towards Molly. But they wouldn’t understand.

When Molly would get high, she would call me and speak weirdly. Or send weird texts. In one of the last “big” highs, she had abused inhalants and then also smoked a strong strain of weed. She was hallucinating in a bad way, and would text me that she knew I was trying to kill her. It was heartbreaking. It stressed me out. But none of her friends ever got texts like that. I know they didn’t. I know they would NEVER understand. They still wouldn’t.

So anyways, 2015 was the extreme hurt I was feeling with Molly always being gone and the frustration of her constantly relapsing. I didn’t give a shit about anyone but her. I didn’t even give a shit about myself.

really hoped that 2016 would be better. It wasn’t. Molly died this year. In many ways, I blame myself for her death. Some of my friends tell me that there was nothing I could have done. But I feel so fucking guilty It’s hard enough being a trans person in this world. Being a trans person that abuses drugs? And I left her. I left her because it was no longer healthy for me to stay with her. But I feel like I should have stayed. I feel like, maybe, I could have done something. If I had only held on just a little longer.

In all honesty, I almost killed myself soon after Molly had died. My reasoning was that, you always hear that when you go to heaven, you don’t really exist as the person you were before. Not in the same sense. You don’t have any worries, no resentments, or anger. You are perfect in heaven. I consider my relationship with Molly to have been perfect before she really got into drugs. And so in my mind, I thought, I can still be with her. And everything will be great like it was before. We can be with each other again and everything will be good again.
I was so stupid.

This time two years ago, I was at OSU. I had extremely shitty roommates, and I had just been outed to my parents as queer. My parents hated that and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I was already feeling lonely as fuck. I was so depressed that I never left my dorm. I didn’t have friends because I didn’t have the energy to make friends. The only person I had was Molly. She helped me get through that. And she helped me in so many ways after that, too. My parents hated me and sent me hateful text messages on my birthday. As a “birthday gift.” It was literally the fucking shittiest time of my life. But Molly stuck through it all with me. She was such a good person.
I consider Molly to have been the love of my life. She really was. We were great together, before everything bad happened. We were into the same things. We were super compatible. We knew so much about each other. I loved her so incredibly much.

So I feel like I literally lost the love of my life. I know people don’t believe in soulmates. But we were just so perfect for each other. It is hard to believe that she couldn’t have been my soulmate. I was supposed to propose to her that year. But I couldn’t because she relapsed badly.
And now she is gone. I have minimal physical memories of her, because her family deleted her tumblr. I know that, that sounds silly.. to feel so hurt about that. But we posted pictures of ourselves, we talked about our days, funny things one of us said. Posts we wanted each other to see. I would have loved to keep that. Just to have those memories.
All I have are articles of clothing, letters she wrote to me, and the memories in my mind. I think about her every day so the I don’t ever forget anything about her. I want to keep her alive in my memories. I miss her so fucking much and I talk about her all the time on here but I just really don’t want to forget. Even if I cry all the time, I just want to keep thinking about her and try to keep those memories alive. I cry and sob about Molly every night. I am in hysterics over her every single night. I miss her so, so, so much. I don’t see her in dreams anymore. And I have ever felt like she was “with” me. But I just miss her so fucking much.

However, despite all this, 2016 has also been the year that I realized that I needed to get my shit together. This time in school, I am very on top of things. I never thought that I would be able to work and go to school at the same time, and still get good grades. But here I am, doing it. I’m really doing it. I’m finally on the best combination of meds I have ever been on. I have a semi-good support system. I have a job. It isn’t the best job and I get paid minimum wage. But that is ok. I go to school 3/4 time, I am taking very intense courses.
I’m doing a lot for myself, too. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself if I hadn’t gone through these things with Molly. I wouldn’t know what my boundaries are. I wouldn’t even know how to set them.

2016 has been the worst year of my entire life. But it has also been a good year, in terms of self-improvement.

I am here, I am alive, and I am mostly doing well. 

I’ve been breaking out around my eyes and cheeks because I’ve been crying every day lol.

I miss Molly so much and I’ve been having such a hard time lately.

I realized today that my most recent ex deleted me off of all social media. This was after they had said they wanted to be friends and sent me a “heartfelt” email. I feel that this is karma from when i cut Molly out of my life. I feel stupid.

I’ve talked about how I’ve been seeing someone casually and kind of liked them. I realized today that I am just really lonely. Well I knew that. But I keep seeing people so that I always have someone to talk to and hang out with. So I won’t feel lonely. So I’m not reminded that Molly isn’t here anymore.

But with the guy, I genuinely thought we were having a good time. It was like a relationship without ever being a real relationship. We went out on dates and then some. Idk. But it’s different now. He’s distant now. 

It makes me feel like garbage. It makes me feel dispensable. I read an incredibly brutal article about how it really is when someone uses you for sex. It was saying how the person will never have promised anything and never lied to you about anything. But instead, they are doing he bare minimum so that you stay attracted. They keep texting you sporadically so that you stay interested. This is exactly what has been happening. It’s brutally honest.

I guess it’s what I needed. I know I should cut him off. The sex is great and like actually amazing. But is it worth getting my feelings hurt over? I’m just too sensitive for fwb. I wish I could handle it.
Anyways things have been weird lately. I’m super busy and never have time for anything. I like someone that doesn’t even like me back. Im isolating. Im sad. Im depressed.

What else is new? 

I got a job!

And today was my first day. I forgot how fucking hard working is. I quit my last job seven months ago and have been mooching off of my parents ever since (more than usual..).

I get paid oregon’s min. wage and I’ve never gotten paid minimum wage so that kind of sucks. I got paid $3 more per hour at my last job and I forgot how good I had it.

Nevertheless, I feel like the job isn’t too bad. I’m definitely tired and my feet hurt but that’s to be expected since today was my first day, right? 

I got one customer that was kind of annoyed with me because I fucked up and inconvenienced them. But everyone else was nice and understanding and didn’t visibly appear annoyed.

So I would say today was a success! 😊