My life has been very hectic lately. Hectic and busy.
I remember seeing all those memes at the beginning of the year about how 2015 was the worst year ever, and how we all wanted 2016 to be better (it wasn’t). I think about it and how it’s a little funny.
My life was a complete mess last year. I had gotten into a car accident, and that really messed with me. Molly started abusing drugs heavily. When I first met her, she came right out and told me that she was currently in an outpatient program because of drugs she abused. The drugs were cough medicine. I thought it was ok and I didn’t mind, because she was looking to better herself, you know? But everything turned to complete shit. And we pretty much didn’t even see each other that year. The was constantly in rehab, because she was constantly relapsing.
I was so fucking depressed. I was in the worst place possible. I kept failing my classes, I quit my job because I didn’t have the energy to put effort into it an that isn’t fair to them. I just literally got to rock bottom in 2015. I was always so sad that Molly would relapse so much. I didn’t understand addiction. I still don’t. All the mixed emotions at the time made me feel like she wasn’t trying. I wasn’t seeing the “big picture.” I was looking at the small details. The details I chose to look at.
That, in combination with my own mental health issues, probably made me into satan in the form of Molly’s girlfriend. Towards the end, I was not a good girlfriend. I know this and I regret that so deeply. I was pushy, naggy, and I wasn’t fun anymore. But to me, it was better to be that way rather than sit around and just let her kill herself with all the drugs. I just wanted her to get better. I still feel like all her friends and family think I’m the fucking devil for how I was towards Molly. But they wouldn’t understand.
When Molly would get high, she would call me and speak weirdly. Or send weird texts. In one of the last “big” highs, she had abused inhalants and then also smoked a strong strain of weed. She was hallucinating in a bad way, and would text me that she knew I was trying to kill her. It was heartbreaking. It stressed me out. But none of her friends ever got texts like that. I know they didn’t. I know they would NEVER understand. They still wouldn’t.
So anyways, 2015 was the extreme hurt I was feeling with Molly always being gone and the frustration of her constantly relapsing. I didn’t give a shit about anyone but her. I didn’t even give a shit about myself.
I really hoped that 2016 would be better. It wasn’t. Molly died this year. In many ways, I blame myself for her death. Some of my friends tell me that there was nothing I could have done. But I feel so fucking guilty It’s hard enough being a trans person in this world. Being a trans person that abuses drugs? And I left her. I left her because it was no longer healthy for me to stay with her. But I feel like I should have stayed. I feel like, maybe, I could have done something. If I had only held on just a little longer.
In all honesty, I almost killed myself soon after Molly had died. My reasoning was that, you always hear that when you go to heaven, you don’t really exist as the person you were before. Not in the same sense. You don’t have any worries, no resentments, or anger. You are perfect in heaven. I consider my relationship with Molly to have been perfect before she really got into drugs. And so in my mind, I thought, I can still be with her. And everything will be great like it was before. We can be with each other again and everything will be good again.
I was so stupid.
This time two years ago, I was at OSU. I had extremely shitty roommates, and I had just been outed to my parents as queer. My parents hated that and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I was already feeling lonely as fuck. I was so depressed that I never left my dorm. I didn’t have friends because I didn’t have the energy to make friends. The only person I had was Molly. She helped me get through that. And she helped me in so many ways after that, too. My parents hated me and sent me hateful text messages on my birthday. As a “birthday gift.” It was literally the fucking shittiest time of my life. But Molly stuck through it all with me. She was such a good person.
I consider Molly to have been the love of my life. She really was. We were great together, before everything bad happened. We were into the same things. We were super compatible. We knew so much about each other. I loved her so incredibly much.
So I feel like I literally lost the love of my life. I know people don’t believe in soulmates. But we were just so perfect for each other. It is hard to believe that she couldn’t have been my soulmate. I was supposed to propose to her that year. But I couldn’t because she relapsed badly.
And now she is gone. I have minimal physical memories of her, because her family deleted her tumblr. I know that, that sounds silly.. to feel so hurt about that. But we posted pictures of ourselves, we talked about our days, funny things one of us said. Posts we wanted each other to see. I would have loved to keep that. Just to have those memories.
All I have are articles of clothing, letters she wrote to me, and the memories in my mind. I think about her every day so the I don’t ever forget anything about her. I want to keep her alive in my memories. I miss her so fucking much and I talk about her all the time on here but I just really don’t want to forget. Even if I cry all the time, I just want to keep thinking about her and try to keep those memories alive. I cry and sob about Molly every night. I am in hysterics over her every single night. I miss her so, so, so much. I don’t see her in dreams anymore. And I have ever felt like she was “with” me. But I just miss her so fucking much.
However, despite all this, 2016 has also been the year that I realized that I needed to get my shit together. This time in school, I am very on top of things. I never thought that I would be able to work and go to school at the same time, and still get good grades. But here I am, doing it. I’m really doing it. I’m finally on the best combination of meds I have ever been on. I have a semi-good support system. I have a job. It isn’t the best job and I get paid minimum wage. But that is ok. I go to school 3/4 time, I am taking very intense courses.
I’m doing a lot for myself, too. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself if I hadn’t gone through these things with Molly. I wouldn’t know what my boundaries are. I wouldn’t even know how to set them.
2016 has been the worst year of my entire life. But it has also been a good year, in terms of self-improvement.
I am here, I am alive, and I am mostly doing well.