Tag Archives: love

Bleh

I got rejected today. It wasn’t under normal circumstances though…

I had been talking to a guy that is in an open relationship with his wife for a while. I’ve never met him, just because my life has been so hectic. I started talking to him in February, stopped in July, and started again in September.

We were really hitting off. I met him through a dating site. 

So anyways, we hadn’t talked in a while and I noticed this week that he had been looking at my profile a few times. I messaged him on the site and teased him about it. 

He texted me and laughed it off, but then proceeded to say that he and his wife discussed that it is best if he didn’t date someone as young as me. Because it made his wife uncomfortable. He’s 27 and I turned 21 today. 

So… I do feel hurt and it really does suck. But I do understand. And looking at the bigger picture, I’m not really anybody in his life. And even if I was, I wouldn’t try to do something with someone if all parties didn’t know about it or didn’t agree. That would be so, so wrong.

But yeah idk?? I feel hurt and it sucks to get rejected. I don’t know that I’ve ever been rejected in this sense.. I don’t think I’ve ever been just flat out rejected. So my feelings are kind of all over the place. Do you ever feel that? Knowing that while your hurt is valid, that the reason something hurts is probably for the best? 

Yeah. Idk. It probably wasn’t a good idea anyways. But I feel like so many people from my generation don’t like to commit. I have trouble with it too. I’m scared of love. So I thought it would be fine.

Ahh I feel so stupid writing about this. I wouldn’t tell anybody else this.. yeah.. so that’s that.
🎂🎂 Happy birthday to me, though 🎂🎂

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On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

I wish I was still in a relationship where both of us were growing, learning, happy. With Molly (Jami changed her name to Molly), so many things go through my mind. We have not been together for a while. When I told my therapist that I had broken up with Molly, she basically jumped with joy. Because she knew that I was really draining myself for Molly. But I still ache inside. 
The last time I saw Molly was on Valentine’s Day. I drove two hours to go see her. The entire time, she didn’t really seem like she wanted to be with me. She said that she was tired.. But I was tired too. I drive for so long to go see her. I tried cheering her up in some ways, or to get her to be more enthusiastic. I did her makeup and her. Still, it seemed like she didn’t care that I was there. Frustrated, I told her that I was just going to go since it seemed like she didn’t want me there. She said ok. I asked her if she was going to walk me to my car, and she just let out a huge groan. As if it is a chore to be with me. I left angrily. The next day, she walked a mile to go buy inhalants.

I had told her two days later that I would be cutting her out of my life. 

That I needed to focus on myself.

Well, that hasn’t been going as planned. I was pulled back in (I let myself be pulled back in) and fell back into the cycle of worrying about her 24/7.

So that’s where I’m at. Having a sliver of hope for the future, and wanting her to be ok. 

But she’s in jail right now because she abused inhalants in public. And no one even told me until I asked. 

Side note: I found out today that not even an hour had passed from when I told Molly I was cutting her off that she made a tinder and an okcupid. So while I was being a fucking stupid idiot, crying and mourning over a failed relationship, she didn’t even care and was looking for someone new. 
So many of Molly’s friends will probably read this and think, “Monica is such a bitch. Why is she leading Molly on.” But I’m really not. They have no idea what it means to love someone with an addiction. An addiction so deadly. It is constantly trying to comfort someone who is high, even though they’re calling you names and even though they’re texting other people, telling them what a bad person you are. It is trying to calm them down when they’re suddenly angry at you, convinced you’re trying to kill them. It is being pulled into the, “yes, I promise I will try to get better.” And trying to believe it. Because you know that at one time, they could keep that promise (though you damn well know they aren’t able to now). It’s always having a sliver of hope that they will get better, even though everything seems so hopeless.
You could think I’m a bitch for saying that Molly isn’t trying as hard as she could. You could say I’m a bitch for saying that she isn’t making an attempt.

But, sure, she says she wants to go to rehab again. But rehab is not a bubble to protect you from the world. You only go to rehab to learn crucial skills. There is a big difference between going to rehab and using the skills you have learned, and going to rehab and expecting everything to be ok and fixed automatically when you get out. Which do you think has been going on?
At one time, Molly and I were hopelessly in love. Growing and basking in each other’s light. Pushing each other to be better people.
But it isn’t like that anymore. And it hurts to admit it. It feels more like one person is bearing the weight of the other, trying to help them get better, even when they have no interest in doing so. 
It is no ones fault but mine for draining myself for Molly. I am not obligated to do so. But because I care about her so much and because we had been together for so long, it felt like I needed to. In my heart, it felt like there was still a chance at a viable, healthy relationship.
But here we are. Here.

Letting go of someone you are still in love with

My significant other relapsed today. They came home from rehab less than two weeks ago. They had been there for seven months, in and out of different rehab centers. They have relapsed three times in the time they have been home.
When this all first started, I would spend hours and hours reading articles about why addicts do the things that they do. I tried so hard not to believe that the addict loves the drug more than any relationship they had. I tried so hard to believe that if I supported my S/O and stayed with them through it all, that they would eventually get better. It’s been almost a year since this all started. I broke up with them today. It hurts my heart so badly.

I wanted to marry them. I wanted to have kids with them. I really thought that they were the person I would spend the rest of my life with.
I don’t have the capability to continue.
So how do you deal with letting go of someone you are still completely in love with? How do you let go of the most incredible person you know? Your best friend?

I don’t quite know. I suppose we’ll find out.

ive been wrung out

Sometimes, I feel like in relationships with me, the love and surprises I have for one person are on a limited supply. Not that the love I have for them ever runs out but that they are constantly wringing me and wringing me out for my love, that they just get used to it. So it doesn’t feel “special” anymore. And I’ll just be thrown away, like an old, dirty towel that has been wrung out beyond it’s life span.

I don’t know if I actually feel this way or if I’m just feeling this way right now, but with my relationship between my partner and me, I feel like I’m out of surprises. There is nothing left in me and my partner has grown accustomed to me. There’s no life in wanting to talk to me anymore. There’s no life in wanting to spend time with me. Because they know what’s going to happen. There’s nothing different. Spending time with me is just something to do when they’re bored, not something they’re looking forward to.
I’m feeling very sad and lifeless. I feel like there is nothing more to me. I feel empty. I feel wrung out of all that was left in me.