I should have ghosted llloolllll

My therapist said that I should apologize to the guy mentioned in my previous post, since I have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills. So I did.

And everything was fine until he wanted to sext me and I said no. And then he tried to make plans with me and I told him I didn’t want to drive late at night especially on NYE. I have PTSD driving at night, and add the added stress of being worried about drunk drivers… nah.

Then he got upset 

Like!! Do you think I give a fuck!

I don’t need someone that tries to guilt me into doing more things with them. I’m busy, I’m anxious, I’m mentally ill. I don’t need this shit. I will unapologetically cut you off and I will not regret it.

Does he not know what a queen I am? 

Who just says this shit?

Fuck that.

💅🏽

The Ghosting

First of all, I see my therapist for the first time in two months today. I didn’t avoid her intentionally. School just got in the way. I’m contemplating if I should or shouldn’t tell her that I’ve been an apologetic floozy. But I’ll save that for another post.

I’ve been going on dates with someone for the past month now. And they were super, super into me and last time we went on a date. They reiterated that they really liked me. They had asked me to be their girlfriend a month ago, which was a terrifying experience and I told them I needed to get to know them better. To be honest, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now.

Ok, back on topic. Soon after this guy asked me to be his girlfriend and after I had said no, I told him that I had bipolar disorder and that I just thought it was something he needed to know. Considering things were getting more serious. I figure that if I’m going to scare someone away, I might as well prepare them with the actual diagnosis as a teaser. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and that we could talk about it more later on.

A few days ago, we were talking and I was sort of asking questions for him to elaborate on some of his interests that he always goes on about. That’s what people do, right? Texting is a big way for me to communicate with my s/o and I need you to type out long ass paragraphs for me to consider dating you.

And he literally shut me up. “Honestly, ask me about this when I’m not at a bar and not via text because I don’t feel like explaining myself.”

Um. Ok.

1. How was I supposed to know you were at a bar

2. Fuck you and eat my ass

Nah, not really. I ignored him for a day until I told him what was bothering me. He apologized and went on to say that he hasn’t been good at talking over text and that he was going to make a conscious effort to be better.

Me, being the insecure bipolar girl that I am, guilted myself into telling him that he didn’t have to and that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place “”lol never mind”” he didn’t respond and after i told him while I was on prescribed ambien that I wanted to see him, he reaponded hooouuurrssss later,

“I want to see you too but this is so confusing.”

I think about that and I want to BARF.
A few weeks ago, he tried to get me to talk dirty to him and after I said no, and then apologized the next day (do you see a pattern?) he said “yeah idk I was confused.”

I think that normally, I would think, “shit, yeah, what am I doing? I’m saying one thing and acting completely different way.”
b u t, I’m also tired of being the crazy one. And I know that that’s how I’m being viewed. I can only imagine him thinking, “so this is what she meant when she said she was bipolar, huh?”

 

I’m annoyed because for someone that was swooning over me pretty hard, everything just sounds so dismissive.
I don’t fucking care if you’re confused. If you’re confused, get un-confused. Figure it out. Tell me how you’re feeling. Ask me ANYTHING. But don’t treat me like I’m the crazy one.

 

I don’t think I will text him back if he tries to talk to me. I think I will need to unfriend him on social media platforms I have him on. I don’t mean to be immature. But it will just be a reminder of one more person that ended up getting wounded in my bipolar battlefield. And I don’t really care if I’m being immature anyways. I shouldn’t have to try so hard with someone I’m not even dating. I just don’t really care enough to want to give him another chance.

I wish I could say I wasn’t sad. I am. I kind of cried about it for a long time. But it’s only because I know that I let me crazy show lol. I’m sad that it feels like I’m getting worse and it sort of feels like I will always be alone. I know that I am actually the one overreacting and I really am being confusing. But can we pretend like I’m not wrong for once? Can we pretend that my reaction is completely reasonable and valid?

Ghosting reflexes have been put into place.
Oh well.

 

A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.

my feelings this week

My feelings this week.

I have made a new friends and she’s really great. One of my better friends.
She is also bipolar and we talk all the time and talk to each other about our trash ass decisions, and help each other and validate each others’ trash ass decisions. It’s great.

I am staying the night at her house this weekend. I am stoked because I just need to get distracted. I don’t want to be home and I don’t want to fuck around with men just for the sake of not being home.

I am glad I have her as a friend. She has been there for me when no one else was

---

Onto the topic of boys (ew, boys). I have still been fucking around with the white boy. The way I see it, is that I currently don’t really care about him or whats going on between us. I like him a lot and care about him. But thinking long run, it would never work out. I wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t like talking every day and knowing how fucking clingy I am, that’s definitely not going to work out. Also, theres been instances where we get into a weird argument and he always wants to be right. That annoys me. It annoys me when someone doesn’t take other points of view into consideration. And that is what he does.

I have been going on dates with another guy. We can call him weird dude because quite frankly, he is a weird dude. He is really sweet, so incredibly nice, and he pays for my things every time we go out. I don’t expect him to because I’m a ~*feminist*~ but it sure feels nice.
However, I don’t think that I share the same feelings that he does. I kissed him a few weeks back and it was weird. That same night, he asked me if that meant that we were mutually exclusive. It freaked me out because that happened so quickly. I told him that I needed more time to hang out with him because I don’t know much about him.

and fair enough for that, right?

But I don’t think we would work out anyways. He is also not a consistent texted and even when he sees that I’m posting something sad on snapchat, he never asks me whats going on or even if I’m ok or even says that he hopes I’m ok. nope. none of that. and i don’t like that either. if you see that I’m having a hard time and you are wanting to be my significant other, then you better fucking care about me and fucking care about my wellbeing. isn’t that fair? to want your partner to care about how you’re doing? I think it is.

---

Because of all of this, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts come up. A LOT. It’s been bad. I want to cut myself so badly. I want to take all the pills I have. I just got refills. I know I could do it. But I also know that I won’t. What am I afraid ok? I’m afraid that I’m thinking that heaven is some great thing where all loved ones are reunited. and i’m afraid that once I die, it won’t be like that at all. I will be nothing. absolutely nothing. and that is what I am afraid of.

This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I am so fucking stressed out. I am so tied of being such a disappointment to my parents. I am tired of them just being like “well, ok. you’re going to do whatever you want anyways.” instead of pushing me. They’re tired too. They’re tired of the broken promises and the hope they have to keep getting crushed. I am stupid. I keep feeling like such a fucking failure. I am only 21. But I should have gotten my shit together by now.

I am so fucking sad because I fucking miss my dead ex-girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I know that in this time, she would be telling me that she is so proud of me and that I am trying my best. I miss that she was the only person that was always rooting for me. She always wanted me to do well and she always knew that I would eventually reach my dreams and achieve my goals. It’s been hitting me so hard lately –the fact that she’s gone and will never come back. She was the only person that actually cared about me. She didn’t judge me. In a way, she loved me unconditionally. I miss her so so so fucking much. None of you have any idea. I am hurting so fucking bad.

 

This was a message I had sent to her after a long day at work. I had recently become store manager and just got piled on a bunch of duties and I had to train myself.She always congratulated me for the little things…like getting out of bed, doing my nails, showing, eating. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. There is no one in my life that just says “you got out of bed today! yay!! I am so proud of you baby girl”

no.
one.

and I miss having that sincere, beautiful love in my life. I miss her so much. I feel so fucking heartbroken. and no one cares.

not applying this year

I recently told my parents that I will not be applying to the dental hygiene program this year.
I had mentioned it to my mom a few days ago and my reasons were

1. I have a TERRIBLE gpa right now. it’s terrible from all the times I tried to take a heavy load of difficult college courses even though I was so incredibly unstable.
2. I am just starting to get better. I feel that if I try to take on too much at once, I will get bad again. I feel that I need to learn how to be “ok” for a little bit and then apply.
3. I will still be taking classes and will still be working. I am taking classes all the way through summer and due to this, all the extra credits and hopefully good grades will boost my gpa by a lot.
4. I do not really have anyone I can ask for a referral. I didn’t make strong connections with any professors at this college. The last college I went to was in early 2015 and I doubt that any of my professors then remember enough about me to be able to give an accurate referral.

So those were my reasons.

Last night, I had gotten an application to a particular college that sends the applications over mail. I was able to calculate my entire GPA through it, as I have three different GPA’s from three different colleges I attended. Basically, my gpa right now is 1.93 with all the colleges combined. The MINIMUM you need to be able to get into the DH program is 2.5. I thought that I would make it this term, since I have higher than a 2.00 at the college I’m at. But I forgot that you have to add in all of your transcripts. So I couldn’t even apply if I wanted to because I don’t have the gpa that I need.

I then had to tell both of my parents the news. They were not pleased. They were so incredibly disappointed and upset. I would try to tell them that my gpa didn’t start off well because I tried to do too much when I was clearly unstable.

“here we go again,” they said.

Yes, here we go again. I have absolutely no fucking support in this household. I am grateful that my parents provide for me in ways such as shelter, food, reliable car. But I don’t get any emotional support. Ever. And that weights heavily on me because I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can talk to. My mom often says that if I ever need anything or need someone to talk to, I can go to her. but how am I supposed to WANT to go to her when this is the shit that they pull?

“here we go again with excuses”

like. fuck. give me a fucking break.

 

umm guess who’s experiencing hypersexuality again

MMMMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!

This is probably the worst symptom of bipolar disorder for me I think. The reason being, is that the people I do this with, are people that are initially interested in having a relationship with me. Like, not just a casual relationship. But I will then get weird and say “hey…..I want you to fuck me” and then it escalates because

1. I’m a boss bitch who looks good
2. I’m a boss bitch who has a way with words

So basically, every person I initiate this with always ends up fucking me like there has never been a time when they were like “nah.”

This is bad because we’ll do our thing and whatever but then I’ll get sad and depressed once they aren’t interested in me romantically anymore. They see me as just someone to have sex with. And it’ll basically be like being in a relationship with me, because I don’t treat it as just sex. I will talk to them every day and I will make an effort to hang out with them often. If it was just casual, I would just contact them when I wanted to have sex. And so I get attached. But they don’t. And they prefer it the way I built it up to be, because they get all the perks of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship.

Anyways, I started going on dates with someone and they are really nice and they tell me I’m cute all the time. We’ve hung out three times and have gone on cool, interesting dates all those times and last time we saw each other, we kissed. I was starting to really like them.
It’s been almost a week since that date and I decided to fuck it up last night by telling them that I wanted them and that I wanted them to fuck me “l o l.”
So that’s where we are at now. And now this has once again, turned into something different. It sucks because they turn into this different person but I can’t even get upset. Yeah, I have feelings, but I’m the one that flipped this around and turned it into what it is.

I’m too flirtatious and horny for my own good. But anyways, this is an actual picture of myself that I just took:

my bipolar disorder feels so debilitating sometimes

Well, not sometimes. Most of the time. It literally feels like I will never accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish.

I literally think of dying every single day, multiple times a day and that makes getting through the day so much harder. Knowing that I am not getting better but rather, getting worse, makes me feel so fucking hopeless.
Faltering in school because of constantly feeling suicidal and hopeless elevates these feelings so much more, too.

I feel like I will always be a burden on my parents, despite how badly I want to not be.

I feel like I got so far this school term. I have invested so much time and money into this school term, and it’s energy that I can honestly say “I tried.”

I literally had a high B the entire term up until last week. Then a C. I have an exam today and I’m not feeling good about it and use fucking knowing that I was doing so well and that this isn’t a result of me not trying, but a result of a mental illness makes me so fucking angry. It feels really unfair and it feels like everything got ripped away so quickly. It feels like all the effort I made was useless. And I can’t even say, “oh, well this will serve as a lesson for next time and now I know what I need to do differently” because I DIDN’T do anything wrong. I just got bad again. And that’s always unpredictable. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how consistent I am with my meds and therapy I am, this is always going to be something that happens. This is always always always going to be an issue.

How can you succeed when the thing you need to fix is unfixable and unpredictable?
You don’t.