First of all, I see my therapist for the first time in two months today. I didn’t avoid her intentionally. School just got in the way. I’m contemplating if I should or shouldn’t tell her that I’ve been an apologetic floozy. But I’ll save that for another post.
I’ve been going on dates with someone for the past month now. And they were super, super into me and last time we went on a date. They reiterated that they really liked me. They had asked me to be their girlfriend a month ago, which was a terrifying experience and I told them I needed to get to know them better. To be honest, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now.
Ok, back on topic. Soon after this guy asked me to be his girlfriend and after I had said no, I told him that I had bipolar disorder and that I just thought it was something he needed to know. Considering things were getting more serious. I figure that if I’m going to scare someone away, I might as well prepare them with the actual diagnosis as a teaser. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and that we could talk about it more later on.
A few days ago, we were talking and I was sort of asking questions for him to elaborate on some of his interests that he always goes on about. That’s what people do, right? Texting is a big way for me to communicate with my s/o and I need you to type out long ass paragraphs for me to consider dating you.
And he literally shut me up. “Honestly, ask me about this when I’m not at a bar and not via text because I don’t feel like explaining myself.”
1. How was I supposed to know you were at a bar
2. Fuck you and eat my ass
Nah, not really. I ignored him for a day until I told him what was bothering me. He apologized and went on to say that he hasn’t been good at talking over text and that he was going to make a conscious effort to be better.
Me, being the insecure bipolar girl that I am, guilted myself into telling him that he didn’t have to and that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place “”lol never mind”” he didn’t respond and after i told him while I was on prescribed ambien that I wanted to see him, he reaponded hooouuurrssss later,
“I want to see you too but this is so confusing.”
I think about that and I want to BARF.
A few weeks ago, he tried to get me to talk dirty to him and after I said no, and then apologized the next day (do you see a pattern?) he said “yeah idk I was confused.”
I think that normally, I would think, “shit, yeah, what am I doing? I’m saying one thing and acting completely different way.”
b u t, I’m also tired of being the crazy one. And I know that that’s how I’m being viewed. I can only imagine him thinking, “so this is what she meant when she said she was bipolar, huh?”
I’m annoyed because for someone that was swooning over me pretty hard, everything just sounds so dismissive.
I don’t fucking care if you’re confused. If you’re confused, get un-confused. Figure it out. Tell me how you’re feeling. Ask me ANYTHING. But don’t treat me like I’m the crazy one.
I don’t think I will text him back if he tries to talk to me. I think I will need to unfriend him on social media platforms I have him on. I don’t mean to be immature. But it will just be a reminder of one more person that ended up getting wounded in my bipolar battlefield. And I don’t really care if I’m being immature anyways. I shouldn’t have to try so hard with someone I’m not even dating. I just don’t really care enough to want to give him another chance.
I wish I could say I wasn’t sad. I am. I kind of cried about it for a long time. But it’s only because I know that I let me crazy show lol. I’m sad that it feels like I’m getting worse and it sort of feels like I will always be alone. I know that I am actually the one overreacting and I really am being confusing. But can we pretend like I’m not wrong for once? Can we pretend that my reaction is completely reasonable and valid?
Ghosting reflexes have been put into place.