Tag Archives: anxiety

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

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A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.

Overwhelming 

Life has been very overwhelming. It is harder and harder to keep going tbh. Honestly, the things that are bothering me aren’t even really BIG things. It’s more just feeling fucking hopeless and lonely. But sometimes that’s enough to push people over the edge, I guess. 

I haven’t been self harming in any manner, as I am seeing someone casually and don’t want them to see cuts on my body. They know I have bipolar. But it’s one thing to have it. It’s another to show it. I don’t want physical proof as to how fucked up I am.

I’ve been crying a lot. I have been isolating.

I have been missing Molly a lot these past few weeks. I always miss her. But the feelings of guilt and shame are coming back. Or were they ever gone? 

I guess I just miss how I could talk to her about anything and everything. I realize now just how much I took her for granted. You always realize those things when it’s too late. I don’t have anyone to talk to about the stupid shit that happens throughout my day. I have no one to talk to about the good things and bad things that happened. I have no one that is interested in hearing the insignificant little details of my life. 

Everything hurts.

Lately

The suicidal thoughts are back.

Honestly, I always have suicidal thoughts. There is no day that I don’t have them. But they are feeling very intense lately, and aren’t just “wow everything fucking sucks, I wish I was dead” fleeting thoughts. They’re more like, “you’re worthless and no one even likes you. You’re always going to be alone and there is no point in even moving forward.”

I feel very lonely and I have started to isolate again. I have started to push people away again. I hate myself and I don’t want people seeing me like this. But I also want validation and I want reassurance. 

I feel so fucked up lately lol I don’t know how to fix these feelings. I do everything I’m “supposed” to. I go to therapy regularly, I see my psychiatrist,  I don’t forget to take my meds, I exercise, I eat all right. Like..? I just want to be fixed. 

The Boy + The Past Couple Days

Things have been scary the past couple days. I had to delete my dating profile because I suddenly got several racist, threatening messages. Ever since the election. 
I had been talking to the boy I have been seeing about this and the fear I was experiencing. I told him that if Hillary had won, I felt that the people that were racist would revolt and would harm people on purpose. But I also feel like if trump won, that the racist people would harm people anyway because it seems ok and there seems to be no serious repercussions, given Trump’s history. 

And yes, I do think Trump is a misogynistic, homophobic, racist excuse for a human being. I don’t care if you disagree with me because you’re wrong lol.

I said that I was scared of the outcome regardless because there would be hateful mobs either way.
Anyways, he said that he disagreed and didn’t think this would happen. And I honestly felt like he was discrediting my experiences as a brown girl. I am mostly scared of facing threats because of the color of my skin. And I was not wrong to have fear because I’ve already gotten threats lol. But anyways. I got really upset and just said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, for my own sake. He said that he doesn’t mind arguing as long as it’s respectful.
Today, I linked him to a huge article giving so many instances in which hate crimes have been committed in the ONE day that trump has had his presidency announced. He took me literally I guess when I said “hate mob,” and kept arguing that there are no hate mobs. I think that’s fucking stupid and there is no reason to have taken my statement literally when you know damn well what I meant.

And BASICALLY he went off. He was like, “I don’t see anything about hate mobs and blahblah, you’re treating me as if I’m defending them and as if I voted for trump when I didn’t blahblah” and THEN he was like “spend more energy towards those that are actually doing bad things and stop bugging me. I’m going back to work.”

How is that arguing respectfully?
And I was like ??? Ok.. bitch. 

I was literally like “lol ok bye.”

He apologized and said he didn’t mean it that way. But he did. I know he did. I never responded.
I don’t feel that even if he apologized, that I will ever really be able to be friends with him again. Not REALLY. And maybe that seems like an exaggeration. But a big part of my bipolar is always thinking that people don’t like me. It is having so so much anxiety towards such social situations that I have literally been diagnosed with OCD in regards to social situations. 

To have someone literally tell me that I am annoying them… no. I really cannot handle that. I feel so hurt. I feel really, really hurt. I can’t talk to him anymore because I will ALWAYS keep what he said in the back of my mind. I will ALWAYS wonder, “I wonder if I’m bugging him right now?”
I’m so pissed and I’m so sad. Mostly, this is bringing on a lot of negative thinking. I feel really fucking stupid and now I keep thinking, “how many times had I bugged him in the past? Was this the breaking point?”

I am feeling really insecure and am really, really trying to not think harmful thoughts. 
I feel very unstable right now.

On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

I haven’t posted something new in a little while but I’ve been extremely depressed.

I mentioned hat I got a b in biology and while I do want to move forward and while i do know that there’s nothing I can do about the grade now, I am still super depressed.
I guess I just came on to say of something that happened. Whenever my mom gets upset with me, she says “well you know what? There’s the door and you’re welcome to move out whenever you want!!”

She knows that I can’t move out. I have no where to go. I am neck deep in debt from school and couldn’t even afford to take it a loan if I wanted to. So she says this out of spite.

I sometimes just brush this off. But because I’ve been so depressed, my mind immediately went to “I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to kill myself and then I’ll move out permanently.”
I guess I just wish I didn’t internalize my feelings so much and then my parents would realize how much harm they are inflicting with their words. But that’s my own fault.

thinking out loud

cat-sleeping-after-study

Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

All I can do is move forward

Last night I had a really rough night. I found out I got a B in biology. I was off by two points to pass for an A, which is like pretty much nothing 😦
But anyways. I was super sad and was really getting down because I needed the A to try to reinstate financial aid. When I got into my car accident, I did so badly for school that my GPA dropped dramatically. I went from pretty much a 4.0 student to a 1.0 student (yeah, I know..).

So with getting the A, I would have been just over the margin of 2.0.

Also, you need a minimum of 2.5 to apply for the program I want to go into. It really sets me back. I would have to get an A in both anatomy and chemistry next term in order to also be just over the margin.

I was seriously ready to give up and was honestly having a lot of self harm thoughts.

However, I went to bed and this morning I’m feeling better. I know that I went through a lot this term with the death of Molly and I’m surprised I was so close to an A. 

Also I know I have time. I feel like because of parents immigrated here, I feel so much more pressure to do well. Because the fact of it is, is that they came here for a better life, and that includes me having better schooling. But big picture, I am barely turning 21. I have so much time and I can’t beat myself up about it so much. 

I am going to push on, appeal to financial aid, and try really hard on my science courses next term.
I can’t give up. I know I can do this. 

I passed my biology class with a B

And I feel so fucking horrible. Like a complete failure.

I needed an A to be able to apply to the program I wanted to this year. 

I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts and I just really felt like this would be my term. Like this would be the term I did well in. I spent so much time studying.

I’m so sad.