Monthly Archives: February 2015

The thought of cheating

Is thinking about cheating considered cheating?

I recently saw that my partner had gone through the craigslist classifieds on the “men looking for men” section. When I asked them, they said that they were curious to see what it is like to be with a man. 
It was our anniversary yesterday. And I found this out today. I am feeling really heartbroken and hurt and betrayed. I want to hold on but what if they always have that temptation? Would it just be better to end it now and move on? 
It’s so hard.
I feel like I’ve given my all and put so much effort into this relationship. It had felt like I had found my soulmate. We were always talking about marriage and kids and moving in together within the next two months.
So,
I guess I’m really feeling at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do. 

On dating an addict

You are expecting a relapse every time your partner goes out. And when it happens, your heart aches so badly, it’s hard to get through the night.

Every time my partner goes out with his friends, they use substances that defer their recovery. It’s hard not to get angry and disappointed because recovery is something that you both work so hard towards.
It makes me angry because it always happens when they’re out with friends. It’s all their friends know to do. But it’s not like you can just tell your partner, “stop hanging out with your friends, they’re a bad influence!”
It makes me disappointed because even I stopped using any substances in an attempt to show support.
You can tell that I’m writing this in the moment, right?
I’m just angry. Angry and sad and betrayed.
It makes me angry when they use any substance, even the one they’re not addicted to. In my mind, there’s a reason why in rehab you’re not supposed to use any kind of substances.

It’s hard dating an addict. A former addict. Whatever you want to call it. It’s hard to not want to blame them or anyone when they relapse.It’s hard to try to show support when you’re constantly being kicked down and ignored. It’s hard to want to try when your best efforts go unappreciated.
But you also know that it’s hard for them. That maybe they do appreciate everything you do but their own need for a substance gets the better of them.
It’s hard to know how to show support.

What if feels like to be dating a trans person

Or, what it feels for me to be dating a trans person.

My partner is perfect. It seems like out of all the people in the world, they are the one specifically for me. And all of the weird coincidences and thins you can relate to about one another always makes me feel even more sure.
But my homophobic parents will never accept my partner, and it makes me so sad.
I want a wedding and my partner wants a wedding. And I know my parents wouldn’t attend. They don’t even want to meet my partner.
It’s been six fucking months and you would think that they would say, “oh my daughter has someone that she loves and someone that loves her. Maybe I should meet them!”
But it doesn’t work that way.
It doesn’t work that way.
But I wish so deeply that it would.

February 2nd, 2015

I am not well again. 
I had gone off of medication just before winter break, when I had moved into my new dorm. Not just because I was feeling better but because the medication has never really done anything for me other than make me feel numb. So I just went cold-turkey and everything was fine, I even felt better than I had felt in months, maybe even years.

Fast forward two months, today marks February 2nd. I don’t really have any stressors in my life except maybe interpersonal relationships (people, friends, etc). All the classes I am taking, I should be able to handle. I have literally the best roommate you could probably ask for. There’s nothing really “wrong” in my life to make me feel so bad. But I do. The depression and emptiness just came back suddenly one night.

It makes me realize and remember that my diagnoses now is different. I no longer just have depression and OCD. I have bipolar disorder. And what was happening with me, I think, was a long high, in terms of cycling. And now I’m at a low again and I feel fucked up and worthless.

My mom says that everyone is fucked up in some way, in an attempt to make me feel better.
I just want to be normal. I just want to feel okay.