Tag Archives: university

Lately

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This is me. I am Carol. 

It’s been difficult for me these days.

Here are some things that have been happening.

-I’m sick. I don’t mean mental health sick, or “fucked up” sick. But I feel terrible. I don’t know if I’m feeling sick as a result of my mental illness or if I’m legitimately like virus-type sick. I’ve been feeling tired all day. I’ve been feeling this way for the past three weeks. It’s ruining some of my interpersonal relationships. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I helped my mom run errands yesterday. In the intervals when we would be in the car getting to the next location, I would just fall asleep immediately. Something is wrong with me. My body is tired and sore.

– My parents are fighting again. Every time the fights are bad, my mom hints that she’s going to get a divorced because she’s “sick of dealing with this.” The fights are never bad, like, physically bad. And my parents don’t call each other names. But rather, they are passive-aggressive bad. They are bad in the way that they don’t talk to each other and ignore each other. I am really sad whenever this happens.
My culture has a very difficult relationship with seeking help for personal issues, whether it be marital problems or problems stemming from mental health. It isn’t that people from my culture are stupid, or anything. But we are ignorant, and this is because of the way it’s been for years. It is the attempt at trying to preserve our culture and keeping with traditional ways that keeps us ignorant. My mom is pretty progressive, but my dad isn’t. As a result, he refuses to go to a marriage counselor.

Right now, after noticing that this time it’s my dad who’s causing the fight, I am trying to come to terms that maybe this is for the best. I read some articles and realized that it is selfish of me to try to keep trying to keep my parents together, which is what I’ve always done. I’ve always tried to be the middle-man in an attempt to make things better, even if it stresses me out and is ruining my mental health at that time. I guess, I currently realize that if my parents are constantly angry with each other and it seems to be a never-ending cycle, they should do whatever they deem best.

I say this with using “I CURRENTLY think.” I say this as I know I will get extremely sad and go against what I’m saying later on.

-I think that I am going to end the relationship I am in. I started dating the person I am dating back in May. I had broken up with a previous significant other in February, and I had been with them for two years. I honestly think that I got in this relationship out of spite towards the other person. I wanted so badly for them to see how badly they hurt me, and because of that, I was trying to be happy with someone else. One month after I got in the new relationship, my previous partner died of an overdose. I feel like that hit me really hard and that’s when I realized, what the fuck am I doing? I’ve tried to make it work. But it isn’t just me. The person I’m dating has their own issues and sometimes, it’s things that i really can’t deal with. For example, I’ve been needing a lot of space lately. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, they said that they were typically the person that tries to not be serious and not be in monogamous relationships. But as soon as we started dating, that completely changed. They said they were in love with me. They got clingy and dependent. I cannot do that. I can’t even try. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been really tired. I have no energy. It’s beginning to feel like I have no energy to put towards this relationship, too.
I am lonely. I have been very lonely ever since my ex-partner died. I was angry towards them but deep down, I still loved them very much and hoped that they would get it together so that we could date again. But obviously, they never did. But it is incredibly selfish of me to take my loneliness and do things that are harming other people. By knowing that I do not love the other person and staying with them despite this, I am hurting them. I tell them that my low energy level is temporary. But I know I am stalling. I’m stalling from dealing with bigger issues. I am a shitty person and I know I need to stop this. It’s hard. It is easy to read this and say, “wow you’re being really fucking shitty, like, stop.” That’s what I would think, at least. I guess there’s just so much more going on. I thought at one point that I loved this person. But once my ex died, I realized that I didn’t.

-My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall. 5MG to start with. I feel like this is good. I had been getting adderall in unethical ways (lol???) because I knew something was wrong. Not recreationally. But I used it when I needed to study. It helped a lot. I took the test they give you when assessing if this is something you might have, and apparently, I scored high enough on a clinical level. So I feel like even though I was first getting the medication in unethical ways, I wasn’t doing it to harm myself. I knew the implications and I knew that it was bad. But I did it because I thought it would be better for me and it would help me. That sounds like what a drug addict would say tbh but like, it did help me. And it turns out, I do have what I was expecting. I’ve only taken the 5mg pill once, as I’m currently on break from courses and don’t really have something I need to focus on. I don’t want to become dependent on these, either. But the time that I did take it, I felt like it worked. Not for long, but it did for a bit. Was it psychological? Maybe. But it still worked.

-I go back to school in two weeks. I am excited only because I want to be done. I am tired of being stuck in the limbo that is prerequisite courses. I should have been done two years ago. But I got really bad because of my mental health, and only recently got better because I learned how to reach out for help, if I needed it. I want so badly to get into the program because I feel ready to move forward. It isn’t just the rebellious teenager still living inside of me wanting to leave home. It’s feeling like, I am almost 21 (next month) and I should have gotten it together by now. I should have a career by now. I know that there is no time when someone “should” have their shit together. But this is never what I wanted for myself. Shit happens, I know. Life goes on, I know. But this is not what I envisioned my future to be.

 

Speaking of my future, sometimes I am really amazed and even proud of myself for even still being alive. Not in the way that a higher being has allowed me to live one more day. But in the sense that I have literally thought about suicide every single day since I’ve been 12 so like, it is really an anomaly lol. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting. Fleeting in the way that something bad will happen and I’ll immediately think, “fuck this sucks, I want to kill myself.” Sometimes it is more serious, and I will have a blade to my wrists or neck, of have a handful of pills ready in my hand. I’ve attempted in the past, but that was years ago. I think that the last time I seriously attempted was when I was 16. That was a long time ago, wow, I’m just realizing this. I guess I’m just proud of myself to be able to push through. I guess it is surprising to me that I am still alive. I always said to myself that I thought I would never live to be in my 20’s, because of my mental illness. Because I think of suicide so often. Sometimes i still think, wow, I’ll never get to my 30’s and I’ll never have a career or a stable relationship because it’s bound to happen soon.

Baby steps, I guess.

 

So that’s that. There’s what has been happening the last month. Most of the time, I come on here to talk about bad things happening in my life. I feel like that’s how it is for a lot of people that are mentally ill, or even people that are not mentally ill. We want to reach out to people and talk about ourselves when things are rough. We want advice and we want to be comforted. If things are going well, we don’t need to be comforted in the same sense. We are ok, we are sane, if only momentarily. So I guess that’s why a lot of my posts are mostly negative.

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On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

thinking out loud

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Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

All I can do is move forward

Last night I had a really rough night. I found out I got a B in biology. I was off by two points to pass for an A, which is like pretty much nothing 😦
But anyways. I was super sad and was really getting down because I needed the A to try to reinstate financial aid. When I got into my car accident, I did so badly for school that my GPA dropped dramatically. I went from pretty much a 4.0 student to a 1.0 student (yeah, I know..).

So with getting the A, I would have been just over the margin of 2.0.

Also, you need a minimum of 2.5 to apply for the program I want to go into. It really sets me back. I would have to get an A in both anatomy and chemistry next term in order to also be just over the margin.

I was seriously ready to give up and was honestly having a lot of self harm thoughts.

However, I went to bed and this morning I’m feeling better. I know that I went through a lot this term with the death of Molly and I’m surprised I was so close to an A. 

Also I know I have time. I feel like because of parents immigrated here, I feel so much more pressure to do well. Because the fact of it is, is that they came here for a better life, and that includes me having better schooling. But big picture, I am barely turning 21. I have so much time and I can’t beat myself up about it so much. 

I am going to push on, appeal to financial aid, and try really hard on my science courses next term.
I can’t give up. I know I can do this. 

I passed my biology class with a B

And I feel so fucking horrible. Like a complete failure.

I needed an A to be able to apply to the program I wanted to this year. 

I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts and I just really felt like this would be my term. Like this would be the term I did well in. I spent so much time studying.

I’m so sad.

On being in a new relationship

SO I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here, but I got in a new relationship. I did this a month before Molly died. I think I unconsciously did it out of spite.

The person and I have been seeing each other since March, first casually and then romantically. I do love them, and they say that they love me. They said it first, actually. But I don’t know if I’m ready.. And honestly I don’t know if I’m saying it back out of habit.

I like telling people I love them. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like they know I care about them. And I care about this person a lot. But I feel like…because I never really got over Molly, I compare them a lot. And Molly always wins. This person has issued with codependency and I do too so it’s not like I can be so critical. But it just gets to be too much sometimes honestly.

I guess.. It’s not so much that THEY are too much. I’m just kind of emotionally unavailable right now. I think about Molly ALL the time. So much. And I miss her so, so much. I cry nearly every day about her. And I’m SO busy right now. I’m trying to apply to a professional program and I’m so busy trying to get my grades up.

I know that I should be socializing but it also feels like being in a relationship really deters me and holds me back for some things. It’s different when you see someone casually. Sure, you can message each other often, but there isn’t or shouldn’t be expected anything in the end. IMO.

I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship. I didn’t think about how busy I would be. I didn’t know that Molly would die.

But relationships are a lot of work. It isn’t jus them that can be too much. It’s me too. And it is so emotionally draining. They’ll get upset because I can’t hang out as often as they want. I’ll get upset because they suck ass at talking via text messages.

I HAVE thought about breaking up with them. But I feel so bad. They really like me and I wish I could like them as much as they like me. But I can’t right now. 

I don’t want to hurt their feelings because they say this is the first “healthy” relationship they’ve been in. We are FB official so I also feel like it’d be fucked up and embarrassing on my part too to change it to single after only a few months. Idk!! I’m struggling and I wish there was an easy answer. 

I know they wouldn’t want to stay friends afterwards and that sucks too. 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m making poor, impulsive choices and it is fucking everything up. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m overwhelmed or if it’s really how I feel. 

never enough pt. II 

For my parents, it’s never, “how are you doing? How is your depression? Are you doing ok? Have you been having suicidal thoughts? Are you going out? Are you isolating? How are you eating? How have you been doing with the loss of Molly?”

They know I struggle with all of those. Those are all a deeply ingrained part of my depression.

Instead, it is “how was school? How are your grades? How was your last test? Are you trying? Why is this a B and not an A?”

My parents support me in many ways. They provide food and shelter, they pay for my bills. But they both do not provide me with any emotional support. It feels like they don’t care. That isn’t something important.

To them, if I’m faltering in school it is never because I’m depressed. That’s not a good enough reason for them. To them, if I’m faltering means that I’m being lazy, not trying, and that I don’t care.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. My grades have improved so much. I have literally been either failing or barely passing my classes for the past two years. I’ve been in such a deep depression these past two years that even sometimes, it feels like it is too much and it feels like suicide is a rational answer. Still, I push through and try my best to communicate my needs to the people around me. 

I do tell my parents how I’m doing. I do tell them how I’m feeling or if I’m having suicidal thoughts. In the moment, they care. They tell me I can talk to them about anything and that they’re there for me. But it feels like in reality, it goes in through one ear and out the other. They don’t actually show me that they care. 

I just showed my mom my grades because she is paying for my classes. I have a high B in biology and a C in anatomy. But, if you see for anatomy, my first test happened the week of Molly’s death. My test scores have been going up.

But she doesn’t see that. She doesn’t care. And so she isn’t paying for my classes. My last payment installment is nearly $400 and I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel really sad and I feel like such a failure.

College tip

Don’t be afraid to ask for an extension for an exam or for assignments.

I got this tip from a professor long ago. Professors can be very understanding. You can explain to them what is going on in your life or what has been confusing in the chapter. Sometimes, they can give you an extension. I have always gotten an extension when I have asked for one. Even, professors have offered one because they can see when I am struggling.

So don’t be shy! Ask for that extension!

Back Home

This is the first post I have made about being back home and naturally, I have lots to say.

My parents are very controlling. They like to micromanage my life and also my brothers life, allowing nearly next to nothing for self-expression. I get defensive. I get defensive especially now that I have been away at university for seven months and am now living back at home. My parents can be very manipulative and I have noticed that it has gotten especially worse. Before moving back home, I had expressed that I wanted to live by myself. I wanted to live by myself because I had a feeling I would not like living at home. My parents convinced me not to because they said that if I came back to live with them I would live rent free, eat free food, and have a car. Well, they’re right, but they always like to push that fact in my face. They have been saying “you live here for free, the least you could do is give us respect.” Mind you, by “respect” they mean doing whatever they want me to do.

Before I left for university, I already struggled a lot for my parents. Truth be told, they’re the main reason that cause my stress (besides school) that then leads to my depression. They are not the reason for my depression and they are not the reason I have tried to hurt myself in the past, but they play a big role in it.

When I had left for university, I had stopped taking my medication by going cold-turkey because I felt like I did not need it anymore. And I didn’t need it for several months. But as the months rolled by and as my parents were calling me more often since I was planning on moving back with them, my depression and OCD habits slowly crept back. I have only been at home for maybe a week so my symptoms aren’t here full-throttle but I am definitely sensing something different. I now no longer only have school as a stress-factor but I also have my mom, dad, and brother. I can no longer shut myself out in a room because I live in a house with three other people that demand to be listened to.

In therapy, it took me a while to notice it but my parents and my home-life is a very toxic environment for me and my mental health. I do not do well here. I do not thrive here. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate everything that my parents do for me, I often recognize that they have made many struggles so that my brother and I could have everything we do.

At home, I guess I feel more like a burden and a hassle than anything else.

Just this past week, and like I said this is the FIRST week I have been here, my parents got into a fight because of me. This happened to the point where my mom even said she has been thinking about divorce. It made me sad. My parents fought because of me because I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. However, my dad (or rather, my whole family) doesn’t believe me. They don’t believe me because I have a tendency to have hypochondriac tendencies. But I have been officially diagnosed by a doctor, isn’t that enough?
Anyway, they fought because my dad said that he is tired of me having all these illnesses (depression, OCD, anxiety, bipolar type 2, fibromyalgia). He says that he thinks I am faking it all. My mom said that even if I was faking it, that it is her job as a parent to help me get help, even if I turn out to not be as sick as I “think” I am. My mom then retorted that my grandma often fakes illnesses and elevates her symptoms to make it seem like it is something worse than it is (my grandma has dementia). My mom also then said that if my dad is so tired of hearing me talk about my illnesses, that my mom will no longer hear any of my dad’s family cry for help when they need help with medical related things, as my mom is a nurse.
My dad got angry and did not talk to my mom for days.

My parents are on better terms now but I can’t help but notice, many things that they fight about are ultimately about me. Whether it is about money, my schooling, who I hang out with, my health, etc. And maybe it’s their fault too for wanting to micromanage me but it makes me feel guilty. Like I said before, I feel more like a burden than anything else.

All of these feelings have been attributing to my depression and they have been making me feel more worthless than I was feeling before. My partner helps me a lot in dealing with these feelings and talking them out. However, it is also a struggle with my family and my partner. I want to often talk about my partner with my parents because they are so great and I want to share that with other people. But my parents refuse to talk to me about my partner because they think that they “are a fag.” They think this because my partner identifies as queer, and my parents know that because they looked through my partner’s Facebook (as in that, too, they were trying to be controlling).

It is hard living in an environment where you feel unwanted and where you don’t feel supported.