I’ve been talking to a boy since early September (no, not the guy I was having a fling with), and he is a really nice guy. We hadn’t met up until recently because I was always busy and I was also deeply infatuated with that other guy, you know?
So we hung out maybe a month ago and he was really cool and we have kept talking. We went out to dinner Friday and didn’t realize how quickly it got dark. I said that I couldn’t do anything afterwards because I’m scared of driving in the dark, which I am. He offered to let stay the night at his place. I agreed.
So we drank. I don’t really drink so I didn’t drink much, but he did. So we were both drunk, but I just wasn’t drunk for as long as he was. We kissed and fooled around.
Anyways, I won’t give the whole story because I don’t think it’s relevant.
But I kind of actually like this guy. And that is a scary feeling. I haven’t actually liked someone in a really long time. Probably since Molly, and that was literally a year ago. Also, wow, can you believe that? It’s been a year since I saw Molly and expressed how much I loved her. That hurts.
But anyways. I didn’t really like my last girlfriend. I think I just dated her because I was angry at Molly. That feels shitty too.
The last guy I thought I liked, I didn’t actually like. I was just infatuated.
But I’ve been talking to this particular person for months. They know so much about me I think. But I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper. I don’t want that. I fall so hard, so fast, so easily. That is exactly what’s happening. I want to talk to him a lot, but I also don’t want to be dumb and clingy. So I stop, just like I am right now. And I am depressed. I have been feeling really depressed lately anyways, so this is just elevating those feelings. I’m scared I am being used. I always worry about that. But it scares me so much more this time since I actually like this person.
I want to withdraw and stop talking to them, before I get hurt. I know I’m going to get hurt. But that would be cowardly, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t want to face my feelings and I don’t want to talk about them. I haven’t told this person about my mental illness, and I don’t know how he would even react. I don’t know that I want to find out. I guess that makes it all harder because I want to talk about things or bring things up, but I fear that I’m just going to be seen as too intense or just fucking crazy.
What a terrible feeling…to like someone, but feel like you should withdraw in an attempt to not get hurt. These thoughts alone already hurt.