Monthly Archives: July 2016

Molly’s mom

Deleted all of Molly’s social media sites.

A lot of our memories were on those types of sites. I’m so fucking sad and this feels so unfair. I wish I would have been told at least so I could have gone through and taken screenshots of what I wanted to keep. I’m so sad. So so sad. It was all I had left of her. And now it’s gone. 

i think of her every day.

I think of Molly every day. Sometimes it is just a passing thought. Sometimes it is a thought that I’ll focus on more. Right now, I am continuously thinking about her and wanting so badly to have her here. I’m trying so hard to replay all of our shared memories together. Sometimes it is hard to remember and it makes me so sad.

In general, it is easier to remember the bad things that have happened to you in life more than the good ones.

I am remembering more of the bad parts than the good parts.

But I do think of the good parts. Sometimes it’ll be as simple as a car ride, other times it’ll be an event we both went to. Other times, it was just the calmness of being able to lie next to each other at night, hearing the ins and outs of our breath.

I am so angry with myself for having cut her off. I know I did it for a good reason. But sometimes, I also tend to view myself as the victim in ever situation. Was this one of those times?

I’m angry with myself because other people got to be there for her when I wasn’t. Other people were able to talk to her the day before she died and I didn’t. And it is literally my fault. It is all my own doing. I did this to myself.

She was such a good person. She was, besides her addiction. She had the most beautiful heart. Everyone saw it too. I’m so sad that all of these things happened to her. She didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes I think that it is me that wore her down. Sometimes I think that I was too much. I am so fucked up. I feel like that got to her. She had such a beautiful heart that she always wanted to make sure I was ok.

And people don’t get that.

She was there for me so much. She was literally the only person I had as a support system my entire year at university. I had no friends (in fact, I had enemies), my parents didn’t talk to me because they found out I was gay. It was bad. It felt like nobody cared about me. Nobody but her. And so yes, I did rely on her a lot.

I tried so hard to be there for her too when her addiction started getting bad. I honestly feel like I was the one that was there for her the most. Not to invalidate everyone else. But I tried so fucking hard. I wore myself so thin to the point where my friends would be asking me if i was ok and that it was noticeable that i wasn’t doing well.

but i didn’t care. and i stayed with her. and i wish even now that she was still here. we loved each other so much. when we broke up, neither one of us cried. there was nothing left to say. it wasn’t that we were sick of each other, but all of the emotions that could have been experienced had already happened. for me, i had already spent so long begging her and pleading her to get better. it was making empty threats of “i can’t stay with you if you’re going to keep doing this.” it was crying every single day on the phone with her because i wanted her to get better. and when i finally broke up with her and nothing was felt, i knew that wasn’t her fault. i know that it hurt her too. but i know that she wasn’t capable of feeling anything. she didn’t care. the addiction took over and she didn’t care about anything. not even herself.

it makes me so sad to think that. even though we didn’t shed tears i told her, “i know that we are soulmates. i just know it. theres no way we’re not. we are perfect for each other and the only thing that is getting in the way is your addiction. please get better, we can be friends, and we can even be back together again.” i loved her so fucking much. i wanted so badly for things to be ok again. i wanted her in my life so badly. even when things turned sour, i checked her twitter and her tumblr every single day, multiple times a day. to see if she would be talking about me or just to see what she was doing in her life. I’m so fucking pathetic.

i miss them so much still. i miss all the different ways they told me and showed me that they loved me. i miss having her as a best friend. i miss being silly with her and literally just being myself around her. i had never been able to do that before. she was the first person that was ever truly “myself” with. i wish so badly that she was still here. i miss her so much. i know that it must get old that i keep making posts about her and that they all say that i miss her.

but i feel so guilty that iw aunt there. i feel so stupid. all i can say is that i miss her. i miss her i miss her i miss her. i miss everything about her.

I started eating again but it isn’t regular eating, unfortunately. It’s been binge eating šŸ˜¦ I wish it wasn’t so hard to just.. Stop? Sometimes I see comments on fb on eating disorder pages where people say JUST EAT!! Or JUST STOP EATING!! EXERCISE MORE!!

What a completely ignorant thing to say. As if life doesn’t get in the way of things for them too. 

I’m not being a baby. This shit is hard. Mental illness makes it harder. 

I went to the dentist the other day. I already sort of knew this, but the enamel on my teeth is super fucked up from having an eating disorder for so long. It is the combination of anorexia, that made me have more acid reflux. It is the bulimia that softened and wore away at my enamel from the vomit. It is the binge eating. 

I actually didn’t know that binge eating was so bad too.. For my teeth I mean. What happens is that every time you eat, you produce these enzymes that help break down the food in your mouth before even swallowing it. Subsequently, constantly eating throughout the day or having big binge sessions tips the pH scale in your mouth and too many of these enzymes that are produced constantly wear your teeth down.

So basically, anything I do fucks my enamel up. I’m super bummed out considering I want to go into dental. I’m like SUPER bummed out. How hypocritical is it for a dentist to have fucked up teeth?

God, what a joke. 

My mom apologized for saying she was “fucking sick of me.”

And though I accept her apology and though I know it was something that was said in the moment, it won’t be erased from my mind.

I am sure that other people with mental illnesses know what I mean. It will never be erased from my mind. Every time I speak without thinking and it ends up bad, my mind will play “I’m fucking sick of you,” over and over like broken record. Every time I feel worthless, the feelings will be elevated when I think of what was said.

I am fucking sick of myself. Hearing that someone else is too hurts. It doesn’t matter if I accepted the apology. I will always remember. It turns into scar tissue and it will always be an ugly reminder that yes, sometimes, it is not just me that is sick of myself. Sometimes it’s other people too.

Mental illness means lonelinessĀ 

My mental illness causes me to have outbursts. It is caused by criticism. 

No one is required to deal with me. No one has to take my shit. And I guess, even though I know that I am sometimes the one in the wrong, it can get very lonely. Having bipolar disorder can get very lonesome.

I got upset with my mom because she criticized me on something, or that’s how I took it. I can never tell if I’m the one being over sensitive or not. I can never tell if my feelings are valid.

Anyway, when I said that I wasn’t mad but I was annoyed, she said she was “fucking sick of it.”

She yelled to me “I am fucking sick of you”

And though I know that it was just something that she said in the moment –something that slipped out –it still hurt very much.

I feel so alone and I know my mom didn’t mean it. She’s not sick of me. She’s sick of my mental illness.

But that’s part of me and I can’t help it. 

Eating disorder 7/22/16

I haven’t posted one of these in a long time. I haven’t been bad for a while.
Because I have been studying so much, I have not eaten in more than 24 hours except for a cup of coffee, to keep me awake.

Because coffee acts as a laxative (tmi), I feel empty. I feel so empty that I am having acid reflux, due to here not being any food to soak up the acid being produced in my stomach. I also have extra acid in my stomach due to worrying to much about my exams today.
All of this would make you think that I would eat as soon as I could. And I would. I would normally eat “normally.” Or I would binge eat. Today, my brain has suddenly switched into a mode of not wanting to eat. The empty feeling suddenly feels good. I don’t feel hungry, it just feels like stomach pains. I have no appetite. 

I honestly hate getting like this because it is hard for me to switch out of this mode. Last time I got like this, I didn’t eat for several days. I only stopped because it was getting bad, and it triggered vertigo for some reason.
I wish I could say I cared about it enough to eat. But I don’t. And I don’t have an appetite. It doesn’t matter. Everything is a mess and this just feels like just another component. It makes no difference. 

I have been studying for the past 15 hours with barely any breaks. On only two anatomy chapters. I have to memorize still one more chapter for my exam today… And it’s the longest one.

I decided to go to sleep around four so I can wake up at 6:30.

It is 4:25 right now. I have to drive one hour to get to my college. It is on the highway that I had my accident on.

For some reason, I started honking about my accident and I just panicked. I had a panic attack. I now feel all worked up and I’m crying. I wish that hadn’t happened to me. It happened more than a year ago and it still affects me so much. 

College tip

Don’t be afraid to ask for an extension for an exam or for assignments.

I got this tip from a professor long ago. Professors can be very understanding. You can explain to them what is going on in your life or what has been confusing in the chapter. Sometimes, they can give you an extension. I have always gotten an extension when I have asked for one. Even, professors have offered one because they can see when I am struggling.

So don’t be shy! Ask for that extension!

Serious question for anyone that follows me AKA I need advice!

A few months ago, my ex girlfriend and I had gotten tickets together to see two bands playing. They were some of our favorite bands and one of the bands playing was a band we saw on our third date together. So it was good memories type thing you know?

I sold my ticket a while back to a friend. But now that my ex girlfriend has passed away, I have her ticket as well…

Should I use her ticket and go to the concert? Should I sell the ticket? Should I not do anything with it and just let it expire?

Any advice would help…I’m not sure what to do.

Thanks!!!

Therapy

Today, I had a therapy appointment.

I like my therapist, I do. But there are vast differences between us. Not that that’s bad, but it shows in our sessions.

Our cultural differences, for example. She always seems surprised at how I can keep my romantic relationships separate from my family. Like, almost a secret. I have to do this because although my parents know I am not straight, they want to be in denial and think that what I am doing is just a phase, and that I am doing it to “get back at them for something.” And so, I make the conscious decision to not talk to them about anything in regards to my romantic relationships. My therapist thinks that this is weird and that it is weird how I don’t feel resentful or bitter towards them because of it. She finds it weird that I can still have a good relationship with my parents while they also don’t accept me. I suppose that it can be weird. But I find a way to deal with it, because I know that much of my parents’ disapproval comes from how they were raised in Mexico.

Another thing that can be different is on the privileges she has that I do not. During a session I had a long time ago with her, I told her that I felt like I had a huge disadvantage in reaching my career goals based on the fact that I am a xicana woman. I had gone to a dental seminar and in the seminar, they had statistics on racial and gender makeup in the dentistry career. There are less woman dentists than there are men. And there are even less “hispanic” dentists than any other racial makeup. It makes me feel very discouraged because I am aware that it is due to institutionalized racism.

I explained this to my therapist and she said that she thinks that it would actually be an advantage, considering I am bilingual and that it should make me want to go towards my goal even more. I appreciate her optimism, I do. But that is just not the way things work unfortunately. Especially not in a place like Oregon. It seems progressive here, but that’s far from the truth. This can be seen more prominently if you’re a person of color.

I’m sorry, but that is the reality of it all.

I would like to have a therapist that doesn’t always need an explanation. But you can’t always have what you want, right?

 

Anyways, this post was prompted by the fact that I had told my therapist today that I had been dating someone “officially” since May. She asked how/why it hadn’t come up before and I said I guess I had other things on my mind. Truth be told, I just didn’t feel like explaining things again, which is what happened today.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t need therapy. I feel like I am a very insightful person, as I have also been told by every single therapist I’ve been to. I do know right from wrong and I do know when I am in the wrong. The reason I continue to go to therapy is because I like being validated. I like having someone tell me that my feelings are real and that they are valid and that I am not just crazy. It doesn’t matter if I’m paying them to listen to me and to validate my feelings. I just like knowing that I am not crazy.