Monthly Archives: September 2016

If you can help please help

Someone stole pictures of me and uploaded them onto a pornographic website

The pictures are not nude pictures. They took pictures off of my Instagram, somehow found out my last name, and uploaded them and filed me under being a sexy mature Latina porn star

I looked up dmca take down stuff. It doesn’t feel like my case will go through. And now all my future employers can google me and think that I’m an amateur porn star when in reality I just posted pictures of myself on Instagram, just like anyone would do.

I feel so fucking sick and I feel so hopeless about my future now and I feel like throwing my hard work and recovery away like it feels like I can’t do anything about this and it feels like my life is ruined ha ha

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Confession

Whenmolly died, I really considered killing myself. I loved her so much. And everyone always says that your heaven self is the best self you can get. You’re perfect in heaven. 

My reasoning is that I really believed we were soulmates. I really thought that we would make it. It was just her addiction that ruined everything.

In my mind, I thought that we could continue to be soulmates in heaven. And we wouldn’t have problems because she wouldn’t have an addiction.

I’m so silly. I can’t believe i almost went through with it. I’m ridiculous.

I do miss her so much though.

Hyper sexuality?

I said on an earlier post that I had suddenly hooked up with someone on the same day that we met… on the same day I had broken up with someone.

I know I just got out of a relationship, but honestly, the break up should have happened a long time ago. I don’t know that I ever really loved them honestly. That sounds really, really bad. They told me they loved me. But Molly died, someone that I was with for two years, and it was hard to let go of the extreme guilt that I felt for having left her. I feel like that’s why I never really loved the person I broke up with. I was mourning the loss of Molly in my life. I thought I was over her when i first got in the relationship, but she was still alive. She was still ok. Then she died and I suddenly felt like, fuck, what am I doing? This is probably my fault. I blamed myself so much for her death. I know deep down that there was nothing I could have done to help her. I sometimes read old posts and realize how fucking shitty the relationship had gotten. She was never a bad person. She was a really beautiful person. But the addiction she struggled with took a heavy toll on us. On her, too. It was frustrating. But I tried so hard to stay with her and support her, until it got to a point that I was really unhappy even talking to her. I was just angry with her. I felt like she wasn’t trying. I feel so bad for thinking like that.

I am trying to fill the empty spaces with fake love.

I am still talking to the person I had sex with. TBH, I kind of like them. They’re not like the person I had been dating recently. They are both the same age –7 years older than I am. But I feel like the person I had been dating was really serious in everything and I felt like I couldn’t really be myself around them. With the guy right now, I feel like he’s fun and I genuinely have a good time with him. Besides the sex, obviously. Anyway, I kind of really do like him but I definitely know that I messed everything up by having sex so quickly. I’d like to say that I don’t regret it. In a way, I don’t. But I also with this could have been so much more. I feel like that’s karma. Is that dumb, to think like that? I feel like this is my punishment for breaking someones heart. My heart will be broken in the end, too. I hate being seen like an object. So dispensable. I already feel that way about myself and it feels bad to have other people think of me that way too.

I dunno, man. I feel bad about everything right now honestly. I start school next week and I’m really nervous about that. I haven’t heard anything about if I’m going to get financial aid or not. My parents earn a lot of money. But none of that goes towards my schooling. They don’t help me with that. I feel like the EFC on financial aid is a crock of shit because of that. I have to rely on financial aid and taking out private loans. It literally makes me want to die whenever I think about how much I owe lol. Anyway I’m under a lot of stress and while I feel like fucking shit that this guy will never *actually* want to be in a relationship with me, I feel like having a FWB type thing isn’t so bad.

Is it so bad to want to be loved? To want to be wanted?

 

New Meds

I took a test that my therapist gave me and apparently, I have ADD. Actually, I ranked really high on most of the sections they have on the test. I got put on adderall a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t taking it consistently, because I originally only wanted it for when I need to go to classes and need to focus. However, I like the effects it has. I’m only taking 5mg, which is the lowest dose you can get, but I feel like it really clears my mind.

There’s something that happens with me, and it’s because of my depression –it’s called “brain fog.” I feel like ever since my depression got bad, I don’t feel as smart as I used to be. I’m talking about like I’m almost 21 and I don’t feel like I’m as intelligent as I was when I was 12. That’s a big difference. I feel like depression stunted my growth in the worst of ways; eating disorders, my weight suddenly exploding from experimenting with different medications, not thinking clearly, blah blah. The list goes on, and on.

So I have been taking the adderall semi-regularly because I feel like I can better articulate what I am thinking. With the brain fog, I feel like I’m not as intelligent because my vocabulary isn’t as expanded as I feel it should be. I feel like I speak in caveman terms –only communicating in the simplest manner. It isn’t good to speak out meaningless jargon or use large words to make yourself sound superior. But I’m not even talking about that. Often times, I will also forget words that are the easiest thing. I attribute this to the brain fog. So with the taking of adderall, I feel like I can actually communicate what I want to communicate without having to explain myself. Does that make sense?

Something that I can’t decide if it’s good or not is that with the adderall, I do not get hungry. I could not eat an entire day and it wouldn’t even phase me, except for the fact that I might get a headache. I have been taking adderall regularly for about one week and I have already lost 6 lbs. Normally, people should be excited about this, right? And I maybe should be excited about it, considering how fucking gigantic I feel. But I know that I never gained weight because I have a bad diet. I have a good diet, according to the dozens of nutritionists I was forced to go to. My only issue with gaining weight was the constant changes of medications, and experimenting with them all, and also the binge eating. With my binge eating, I don’t purge. I used to purge, but when I went to the dentist one time, they said that my teeth were chipping due to how brittle they were because of the purging. My enamel was also fucked up. This really scared me, and so I stopped purging. So I kept all the calories I was suddenly consuming.

I haven’t binge eaten in a while. Mostly because I’m broke. If I buy anything, it’ll be a bad of chips. That sounds like it would be enough, right? BOY, if only you knew how bad binge eating can get.

Anyway also with the sudden weight loss, I can see how it could be a good thing but it is also triggering me in a manner that is bringing back restrictive tendencies. I used to really struggle with anorexia and I was severely underweight. Because I never feel hungry now, I think, god, I could be skinny again.

It is a never ending cycle of bad medicine side effects.

I did something bad.

Yesterday, I broke up with the person I had been dating. They were nice and good to me. They were suffocating me, but that wasn’t entirely their fault. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t present in the relationship. It is only reasonable that they were suffocating me, and trying to hold on.

I did something bad. I had been talking to some guy from the internet and we were hitting it off and he seemed fun. We decided to hang out. It was fun, and I had a good time. I could tell that he was starting to like me. And I kind of liked him. But something in my switched and I don’t know if it switched at that moment or if it switched when I decided to agree to hang out with him.
I had sex with him. I feel bad because I wouldn’t normally do something like that.. have sex with someone pretty soon after I get out of a relationship. And I wouldn’t ever normally have sex with someone I had just officially met that same day.

We had been talking for hours and cracking jokes and whatnot. We played a game and I ended up winning. I suggested that as a winning prize, he should kiss me. He did. And it all escalated beyond that.

I read up on hyper sexuality when it happens with bipolar disorder. I’ve never experienced it before and so this is kind of a scary experience. It all happened so quickly. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared because I’ve been feeling very numb lately. I haven’t cried about Molly’s death in a week, when I have been crying about her every day for the past three months. I feel numb. And so while I feel bad, I don’t feel like I feel as bad as I should. I know that I did something bad. But I don’t think I regret it. Am i just a cold-hearted bitch? Or is this part of the hyper sexuality of bipolar disorder? My bipolar never exhibits symptoms like this and this is a first so I don’t even know what this is supposed to be like.

I also feel bad because of the fact that we had sex on the first day we met. And it seems that if I ever wanted something more, it’s too late now. And I’m the one that fucked it up. He wants to keep hanging out. But I don’t know if it’s because he suspects we’ll have sex again. I feel bad because it felt good to be wanted, but now I want to be wanted in a different way.

Karma works in strange, shitty ways.

Therapy 9/14/16

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I had therapy yesterday. The first thing my therapist says to me whenever I come in is, “so how are you? what’s new?”

Except this time, those questions were followed by, “you seem depressed.”
You might think that this is a silly thing to say,considering I’m so neurotic that I am depressed so often. But I hadn’t been so depressed in my sessions with her lately. And if I was, I had been managing it. The truth of it is, is that I haven’t been doing well lately. Not at all. I’ve been really depressed and haven’t found it in me to do something about it. I just don’t care. I’m feeling a little better this week but I’m still really bad.

 

Sometimes I realize that I don’t really need a therapist. Not REALLY. She doesn’t give me any new information that I don’t already figure out myself. Because I’m someone that worries a lot and really mulls things over, I come up with a lot of different conclusions for situations. I can find the reasoning in everything, eventually. And so when I tell her, my depression this time was sparked by the B that I got in a class. She had said that even though I got a B, it was still good, considering everything I went through summer term. And I do know that. Actually, on a different blog, I wrote a post about it. The reason i have two different blogs is that on my other one, it is more of a public audience. I have hundreds of people that read my material, including people that I know in real life. I can’t truly, honestly say everything I want to say.

Anyway, in the post, I had said that I was really proud of how far I’ve come this term. My boss had sent me an email that she wanted to offer me to keep my job (which was initially a seasonal position) because she admired my work ethic and reliability. It felt good. I also noted that even though I didn’t get an A in the class, like I thought I would, a B wasn’t that bad either. I had to give myself credit for both situations. Molly died six days after the term started. Molly died the same day that was my first day at that job. My brother had also gotten really sick, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So despite everything that happened, I still managed to pull it together and try to get on with my life. I am the kind of person that gives up really quickly. I pull away the moment I sense failure. But I didn’t give up this time, despite all the times I felt hopeless.
My therapist basically reiterated this to me and though it is appreciated, I already knew it. Most times, I can figure things out for myself. I guess I still go to her though because it feels good to talk to someone. Sometimes I get so depressed that I just need someone to talk to. But I HATE feeling like a burden, so I would rather keep it in. She is someone that I’m basically paying to listen to me, so I don’t feel so bad.

 

In this therapy session, we talked about how depressed I had been felling, due to the amount of pressure I put on myself. We also talked about Molly a lot. Ever since I got out of classes, I haven’t really had anything to do. And because I’ve been so depressed because of my grades, I have been pulling away from everyone and really kept to myself. I have more time to think about things and to overthink them. My depression comes out in the worst ways and the way that it shows up most often is isolating. I isolate a lot when I get depressed. So I think that when I had to focus on school, I didn’t have much time to thin about Molly. Not all the time. But I don’t have anything to do now so I DO think about her all the time. When I talked about her, there would be times when I just couldn’t articulate what I was saying. It was hard for me to even say the words I wanted to. I was crying too hard, to the point where it would be hard to breathe.

We talked about the current partner I have. My partner and I had a long phone conversation yesterday about how they’ve been feeling really neglected and lonely because I’ve been so busy with school and being depressed. I felt bad. But I also told them that i didn’t like that they were making me prove that I liked them by giving them physical things. For example, they would say to write them a letter, an email or to send a package. Sometimes I would do those things. But whenever I didn’t, they would get upset. I don’t think that I should have to prove myself if I’m still with them. I also told them that I have no way of knowing when I will get depressive episodes, and that I also have no way of knowing how long they will last. Not to say that they need to deal with it, but that it is something that I actively struggle with. I told them that I do understand why they feel that way and that they’re right, I have been neglecting them, as I haven’t put any time or energy towards the relationship. But they have codependency traits that I also had to bring up. I was codependent with my previous partner, as they were an addict and I constantly wanted to help them and wanted them to be ok. I was putting out more energy than they were giving out. Though I realize that they had no way of putting energy towards our relationship, when they couldn’t even put every towards themselves. It was a selfish thing to think about.
But because I’ve been in the same position once before, I recognized that what they were saying wasn’t healthy. I told them that while I do understand, I felt like they shouldn’t base their own happiness on the wellbeing of our relationship. That is being codependent and that they need to find ways to cope, regardless. That’s what I think. Maybe I’m heartless.

I do like them a lot. And I do love them a lot. I think our relationship has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel that maybe I am not in a good place right now to have a relationship. I feel like I’ve been grieving over Molly a lot. I know that I will be depressed a lot and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand why I will be depressed. Oh, also, whenever I would tell them I’m depressed and told them why, they would say that it wasn’t “a good enough reason.” That bothered me a lot. But anyways!!! I also feel like we are both in completely different points in our life that I don’t feel will work out, long term. They are seven years older than I am. And I don’t feel that it’s the age. But they’re just so different. We are not alike enough for me to think that this will work out long term. I guess for me, I also think, why would I be in a relationship if I don’t think that it’s going to work out? i don’t want to be in a relationship just to not feel lonely. That’s not what I want.
I guess, ultimately, I don’t have the energy to put towards this relationship. I will be going back to school in two weeks and I need to focus this term more than I ever have, because it’s crunch time. I need to get good grades, I need to memorize, I need to pull it together. I need recommendations from these two instructors so I need to be spending time REALLY participating in class and going to their office hours, so that they get to know me. So that i’m not just another student trying to get by.
I just have too much going on, and though I know I need to have a social life too, it can’t be all work, relationships require a lot of work. It is hard to keep up with relationships if you don’t have the time for them. I have been thinking about this a lot because it also isn’t fair to keep giving them hope, that we’ll fix this. I think they’re just ready to settle down. I’m not. I’m not even 21 yet. I’m just getting started with my life.

idk. So that’s what I’ve been feeling and what’s been going on. Wow, this was a long post.

Lately

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This is me. I am Carol. 

It’s been difficult for me these days.

Here are some things that have been happening.

-I’m sick. I don’t mean mental health sick, or “fucked up” sick. But I feel terrible. I don’t know if I’m feeling sick as a result of my mental illness or if I’m legitimately like virus-type sick. I’ve been feeling tired all day. I’ve been feeling this way for the past three weeks. It’s ruining some of my interpersonal relationships. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I helped my mom run errands yesterday. In the intervals when we would be in the car getting to the next location, I would just fall asleep immediately. Something is wrong with me. My body is tired and sore.

– My parents are fighting again. Every time the fights are bad, my mom hints that she’s going to get a divorced because she’s “sick of dealing with this.” The fights are never bad, like, physically bad. And my parents don’t call each other names. But rather, they are passive-aggressive bad. They are bad in the way that they don’t talk to each other and ignore each other. I am really sad whenever this happens.
My culture has a very difficult relationship with seeking help for personal issues, whether it be marital problems or problems stemming from mental health. It isn’t that people from my culture are stupid, or anything. But we are ignorant, and this is because of the way it’s been for years. It is the attempt at trying to preserve our culture and keeping with traditional ways that keeps us ignorant. My mom is pretty progressive, but my dad isn’t. As a result, he¬†refuses to go to a marriage counselor.

Right now, after noticing that this time it’s my dad who’s causing the fight, I am trying to come to terms that maybe this is for the best. I read some articles and realized that it is selfish of me to try to keep trying to keep my parents together, which is what I’ve always done. I’ve always tried to be the middle-man in an attempt to make things better, even if it stresses me out and is ruining my mental health at that time. I guess, I currently realize that if my parents are constantly angry with each other and it seems to be a never-ending cycle, they should do whatever they deem best.

I say this with using “I CURRENTLY think.” I say this as I know I will get extremely sad and go against what I’m saying later on.

-I think that I am going to end the relationship I am in. I started dating the person I am dating back in May. I had broken up with a previous significant other in February, and I had been with them for two years. I honestly think that I got in this relationship out of spite towards the other person. I wanted so badly for them to see how badly they hurt me, and because of that, I was trying to be happy with someone else. One month after I got in the new relationship, my previous partner died of an overdose. I feel like that hit me really hard and that’s when I realized, what the fuck am I doing? I’ve tried to make it work. But it isn’t just me. The person I’m dating has their own issues and sometimes, it’s things that i really can’t deal with. For example, I’ve been needing a lot of space lately. I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself. And initially, they said that they were typically the person that tries to not be serious and not be in monogamous relationships. But as soon as we started dating, that completely changed. They said they were in love with me. They got clingy and dependent. I cannot do that. I can’t even try. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been really tired. I have no energy. It’s beginning to feel like I have no energy to put towards this relationship, too.
I am lonely. I have been very lonely ever since my ex-partner died. I was angry towards them but deep down, I still loved them very much and hoped that they would get it together so that we could date again. But obviously, they never did. But it is incredibly selfish of me to take my loneliness and do things that are harming other people. By knowing that I do not love the other person and staying with them despite this, I am hurting them. I tell them that my low energy level is temporary. But I know I am stalling. I’m stalling from dealing with bigger issues. I am a shitty person and I know I need to stop this. It’s hard. It is easy to read this and say, “wow you’re being really fucking shitty, like, stop.” That’s what I would think, at least. I guess there’s just so much more going on. I thought at one point that I loved this person. But once my ex died, I realized that I didn’t.

-My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall. 5MG to start with. I feel like this is good. I had been getting adderall in unethical ways (lol???) because I knew something was wrong. Not recreationally. But I used it when I needed to study. It helped a lot. I took the test they give you when assessing if this is something you might have, and apparently, I scored high enough on a clinical level. So I feel like even though I was first getting the medication in unethical ways, I wasn’t doing it to harm myself. I knew the implications and I knew that it was bad. But I did it because I thought it would be better for me and it would help me. That sounds like what a drug addict would say tbh but like, it did help me. And it turns out, I do have what I was expecting. I’ve only taken the 5mg pill once, as I’m currently on break from courses and don’t really have something I need to focus on. I don’t want to become dependent on these, either. But the time that I did take it, I felt like it worked. Not for long, but it did for a bit. Was it psychological? Maybe. But it still worked.

-I go back to school in two weeks. I am excited only because I want to be done. I am tired of being stuck in the limbo that is prerequisite courses. I should have been done two years ago. But I got really bad because of my mental health, and only recently got better because I learned how to reach out for help, if I needed it. I want so badly to get into the program because I feel ready to move forward. It isn’t just the rebellious teenager still living inside of me wanting to leave home. It’s feeling like, I am almost 21 (next month) and I should have gotten it together by now. I should have a career by now. I know that there is no time when someone “should” have their shit together. But this is never what I wanted for myself. Shit happens, I know. Life goes on, I know. But this is not what I envisioned my future to be.

 

Speaking of my future, sometimes I am really amazed and even proud of myself for even still being alive. Not in the way that a higher being has allowed me to live one more day. But in the sense that I have literally thought about suicide every single day since I’ve been 12 so like, it is really an anomaly lol. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting. Fleeting in the way that something bad will happen and I’ll immediately think, “fuck this sucks, I want to kill myself.” Sometimes it is more serious, and I will have a blade to my wrists or neck, of have a handful of pills ready in my hand. I’ve attempted in the past, but that was years ago. I think that the last time I seriously attempted was when I was 16. That was a long time ago, wow, I’m just realizing this. I guess I’m just proud of myself to be able to push through. I guess it is surprising to me that I am still alive. I always said to myself that I thought I would never live to be in my 20’s, because of my mental illness. Because I think of suicide so often. Sometimes i still think, wow, I’ll never get to my 30’s and I’ll never have a career or a stable relationship because it’s bound to happen soon.

Baby steps, I guess.

 

So that’s that. There’s what has been happening the last month. Most of the time, I come on here to talk about bad things happening in my life. I feel like that’s how it is for a lot of people that are mentally ill, or even people that are not mentally ill. We want to reach out to people and talk about ourselves when things are rough. We want advice and we want to be comforted. If things are going well, we don’t need to be comforted in the same sense. We are ok, we are sane, if only momentarily. So I guess that’s why a lot of my posts are mostly negative.

On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

I haven’t posted something new in a little while but I’ve been extremely depressed.

I mentioned hat I got a b in biology and while I do want to move forward and while i do know that there’s nothing I can do about the grade now, I am still super depressed.
I guess I just came on to say of something that happened. Whenever my mom gets upset with me, she says “well you know what? There’s the door and you’re welcome to move out whenever you want!!”

She knows that I can’t move out. I have no where to go. I am neck deep in debt from school and couldn’t even afford to take it a loan if I wanted to. So she says this out of spite.

I sometimes just brush this off. But because I’ve been so depressed, my mind immediately went to “I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to kill myself and then I’ll move out permanently.”
I guess I just wish I didn’t internalize my feelings so much and then my parents would realize how much harm they are inflicting with their words. But that’s my own fault.