everything!

I’ve been having reaaaally bad body issues lately. It’s been super prominent especially when I go out with the guy I’ve been seeing. To be honest, I really like him. I don’t want to admit that because I don’t know how he feels and I don’t want to be stupid.. We’ve been hooking up but I guess that isn’t all I want. We’ve been hanging out and talking every day.. basically what anyone in a romantic relationship would do.But because we’re doing it and we aren’t exclusive, it feels like this will go nowhere. Why would you become exclusive with someone if you’re already enjoying the benefits of being exclusive, right? Being in a relationship without a label. I don’t really know what to do differently, besides just go with it. Ugh.

But anyways. This boy is really thin. Really, really thin. I met him off of okcupid and one of the questions that he had answered was that be wouldn’t date someone that was overweight. I’m overweight so I brought it up after we started talking.
“yeah, but you’re not overweight,” he said.
We left it at that.

It is something that is on my mind a lot because I am definitely overweight. I’m a chubby girl. The funny thing is, is that I was fatter when I first started talking to him. I was 50 lbs heavier.
So when we go out to eat, I’m very aware of how my rolls look, or of how my double chin could look. I’m self conscious of how I walk, or how I sit. I feel bad when we’re together in bed, and I don’t have clothes on and he tries to cuddle with me and I don’t want to because I don’t want him to feel just how fat I am. I feel bad when I refuse to have sex with the lights on, because I don’t want all the dimples and stretch marks to be noticed.

I saw a meme a while back (lol) in which it said, “so we about to smash… and she starts hiding her stomach and shit. Bitch I knew you was fat before you took yo clothes off.”
Funny enough, that’s also something I think about. It’s not that it’s not blatantly obvious that I’m not thin. I don’t wear spanx or clothes that are “deceiving” in any matter. It’s not that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t get turned on by me or anything, because he does. It’s just something with me, I guess. Not good feelings.

Maybe I’m just being like this because I like him. idk. but it doesn’t feel good.

 

I’ve also been doing fucking terrible in school this term. I feel terrible because i was doing so well last term, I think. Or at least, better than this term. Much better. I took on double the amount of credit this term so that was a huge mistake. But I also just don’t feel as motivated. There are three weeks left of this term. I have two B’s and two F’s I’m pretty sure. I got an extension on many assignments for one class that I’m doing badly in, but I just don’t have enough motivation to do anything. I feel really depressed and because my grade is so bad, I  feel hopeless and feel more of the, “what’s the point?” type of feeling.

I feel like I will never accomplish my goals and that is a bad feeling. I don’t want to blame everything on my bipolar, but I feel like it plays a huge part in this. I thought I had it under control, but I really don’t and it really fucked with me this time around. I’ve read before that a lot of the reason that bipolar people commit suicide is because they get overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and the thought that they will ever accomplish anything, or reach the goals that they want to reach. I don’t feel suicidal, but I can see how that happens because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I have felt *seriously* suicidal in a long time, but I guess sometimes it’s just something you think about, and you know that it’s the “easy” route I guess. But that doesn’t stop you from thinking about it. The thought is there and it’s a thought that says, “this could be over and done with so easily and so quickly.”

It is a selfish thought. But humans are selfish, and so I don’t feel all that bad for having those thoughts.

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