Monthly Archives: July 2015

11-month anniversary gush

It was our 11-month anniversary two days ago. I know I am sad very often because of what is going on with jamie.

But I want to take a moment to tell you guys of all of the cool things Jamie does for me.
Jamie is so so so supportive. She is the most supportive person I have ever met and not just towards me, I know that she is just as supportive towards her friends as well. Jamie makes me feel so secure and good. I am always apprehensive to even tell someone I’m depressed, let alone, that I have bipolar disorder. Jamie helps me work through my feelings and she never invalidates any of my feelings. But she will also let me know when she thinks that I’m wrong. I have the tendency to look into things too much and Jamie will tell me, hey, you know, I don’t actually think this is happening, why don’t you take a step back, calm down, and really look at the situation again? Jamie is so so good at being a good friend and girlfriend.
Jamie is also one of the funniest people I know. Just the other day, I was telling her how much I loved being silly with her. In other relationships, if I were to act the way I act with Jamie, my ex’s would have been really weirded out. But Jamie and I are genuinely, like, friends. We aren’t just girlfriends and we aren’t just partners. We are friends. And thats what makes our relationship so good, I think. Because even if I say something really weird or gross, she goes along with it.
I’ll say something like, “i’m pooping, let me poop in your mouth,” and she’ll respond “ok do it i’m ready.”
and I just laugh so so hard. Jamie makes me so happy like that.
Jamie is also the kindest, sweetest girl in the world. She will write me poems and learn songs on the guitar to play for me. She’ll buy me little things that she will think I will like if she’s out getting groceries or something (I got a Hello Kitty from her most recently!!). Sometimes, she even looks up little phrases on google translate just to make me smile. She calls me her “sol y su luna.” Soy su estrellita de suerte. Jamie is so sweet and so selfless. She is so considerate in so many ways.
I’m crying as I’m writing this but I’m also laughing because I’m thinking of how food this relationship is in comparison to all the other ones I’ve had. This is golden. This is heaven.
Jamie and I also have the same morals and that is something that is very important to me. We have our feminism be intersectional and we will talk about such issues very often. We will give each other feedback and what we disagree on and what we agree on and I think that is really one of the things that helps us both grow.
Honestly, I am so deeply, deeply, in love with Jamie. I never thought I would be in this deep. But she has so many traits about her that I just can’t help but to absolutely adore her.
When you get married, they say “for better or for worse.”
Jamie is at her worst, but is trying to get better and I will always stick by her side.
We are not married yet, but the commitment is there. For better or for worse.

anger and resentment.

I wonder, when all is said and done and Jamie is back home from rehab, if we will truly love each other the same?I am feeling an incredible amount of anger towards Jamie today.

So much so, that the weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier. 
How many times did they lie to me? How long had it truly been going on before I had realized it? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they trust me? Did I enable them? 
I can feel my heart aching so much so, that I grit my teeth together just to stop myself from screaming.
We will not spend summer together. We will not spend her birthday together. We will not spend our one year anniversary together. 
When will they come home? How much longer will I have to spend before they are well enough to come home? And even then, will they ever really be well? 
I feel so angry and resentful. Will I ever be able to forgive? Will I ever be able to forget? Will I ever be able to let go of these feelings? 
I get overjoyed whenever they call me and it seems that all of my worries drift away. But I can’t bring myself to write them a letter or send them packages. I feel bitter when they tell me of what a good time they’re having and how many friends they’re making. I think, “why are you having such a good time when I’m here crying every night, thinking of how fucked everything is?”
This is the first time I’ve felt even a tiny bit angry towards Jamie and it feels like it has been subconsciously building up, and building up, and building up. Constantly asking myself, “why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Everything happens for a reason

I think back to a month ago when I was feeling suicidal and like my life was crashing down. And I think, damn. I was so wrong. I was so so wrong.Everyone always says –or at least in the movies they do –that things have to get worse before they get better. 
I feel so content and good right now. I feel like how I think normal feels. And it’s such an overwhelming experience, it makes me cry because I have literally never felt this way.

If I wasn’t incredibly sad, I was incredibly angry, and if I wasn’t incredibly angry, I was incredibly happy. I was never experiencing emotions like I should have been.

And if I felt “normal” and “ok” it would only be for a split second. Because I would quickly get insecure and think that the world was out to get me.
I think back and I think. Geez. How did I ever make it through that? How did I ever have the energy to get up each day knowing that it was a constant battle against myself?
And if I’m being honest with myself, this break from Jamie has been good. I have codependent tendencies and I will worry about others more than I worry about myself. With Jamie’s addiction, it was really causing a heavy toll on myself. I was honestly just fucking myself up. And it makes me cry thinking about it, but if Jamie wasn’t going to get help I was going to have to let go. Because it was fucking me up so much.

I feel so incredibly blessed that Jamie decided to go get help. Even though I cry out of sadness from missing them every day, I know that it is for the best. And it really is. Jamie is also having a good time at rehab. And I’m glad that we will be able to build our future together.
Jamie is one of the only people I REALLY care about –one of the few people that I will really give it my all and drain myself just to see that they are ok. With this break, I have no other issues going on in my life currently that drain my energy. I have been able to focus on myself and the betterment of myself. I’m also learning to not be so codependent. I have really been learning how to take better care of myself.
And with school and how I had dropped out, I am signed up for fall classes. I am taking the courses I had dropped out of in the spring. But it doesn’t feel like other times. I honestly don’t feel burnt out like I used to and I don’t feel like my life is an endless routine. I am excited to do things and I am motivated. And that is such a good feeling because I had really been feeling burnt out since last year when I had graduated from community college. I did all that I could to receive two associates degrees. I took classes nonstop, even in the summer. And it just wore me down.

And then my accident happened and I would have panic attacks driving to school and even in my dreams.
It just feels so good to be able to go to my therapist and say, “hey, I’m feeling ok. I really, truly am.”
Everything always happens for a reason, I always say. Or at least in the movies they do.