It was our 11-month anniversary two days ago. I know I am sad very often because of what is going on with jamie.
I wonder, when all is said and done and Jamie is back home from rehab, if we will truly love each other the same?I am feeling an incredible amount of anger towards Jamie today.
So much so, that the weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier.
How many times did they lie to me? How long had it truly been going on before I had realized it? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they trust me? Did I enable them?
I can feel my heart aching so much so, that I grit my teeth together just to stop myself from screaming.
We will not spend summer together. We will not spend her birthday together. We will not spend our one year anniversary together.
When will they come home? How much longer will I have to spend before they are well enough to come home? And even then, will they ever really be well?
I feel so angry and resentful. Will I ever be able to forgive? Will I ever be able to forget? Will I ever be able to let go of these feelings?
I get overjoyed whenever they call me and it seems that all of my worries drift away. But I can’t bring myself to write them a letter or send them packages. I feel bitter when they tell me of what a good time they’re having and how many friends they’re making. I think, “why are you having such a good time when I’m here crying every night, thinking of how fucked everything is?”
This is the first time I’ve felt even a tiny bit angry towards Jamie and it feels like it has been subconsciously building up, and building up, and building up. Constantly asking myself, “why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”
I think back to a month ago when I was feeling suicidal and like my life was crashing down. And I think, damn. I was so wrong. I was so so wrong.Everyone always says –or at least in the movies they do –that things have to get worse before they get better.
I feel so content and good right now. I feel like how I think normal feels. And it’s such an overwhelming experience, it makes me cry because I have literally never felt this way.
If I wasn’t incredibly sad, I was incredibly angry, and if I wasn’t incredibly angry, I was incredibly happy. I was never experiencing emotions like I should have been.
And if I felt “normal” and “ok” it would only be for a split second. Because I would quickly get insecure and think that the world was out to get me.
I think back and I think. Geez. How did I ever make it through that? How did I ever have the energy to get up each day knowing that it was a constant battle against myself?
And if I’m being honest with myself, this break from Jamie has been good. I have codependent tendencies and I will worry about others more than I worry about myself. With Jamie’s addiction, it was really causing a heavy toll on myself. I was honestly just fucking myself up. And it makes me cry thinking about it, but if Jamie wasn’t going to get help I was going to have to let go. Because it was fucking me up so much.
I feel so incredibly blessed that Jamie decided to go get help. Even though I cry out of sadness from missing them every day, I know that it is for the best. And it really is. Jamie is also having a good time at rehab. And I’m glad that we will be able to build our future together.
Jamie is one of the only people I REALLY care about –one of the few people that I will really give it my all and drain myself just to see that they are ok. With this break, I have no other issues going on in my life currently that drain my energy. I have been able to focus on myself and the betterment of myself. I’m also learning to not be so codependent. I have really been learning how to take better care of myself.
And with school and how I had dropped out, I am signed up for fall classes. I am taking the courses I had dropped out of in the spring. But it doesn’t feel like other times. I honestly don’t feel burnt out like I used to and I don’t feel like my life is an endless routine. I am excited to do things and I am motivated. And that is such a good feeling because I had really been feeling burnt out since last year when I had graduated from community college. I did all that I could to receive two associates degrees. I took classes nonstop, even in the summer. And it just wore me down.
And then my accident happened and I would have panic attacks driving to school and even in my dreams.
It just feels so good to be able to go to my therapist and say, “hey, I’m feeling ok. I really, truly am.”
Everything always happens for a reason, I always say. Or at least in the movies they do.