Tag Archives: personal

I got a job!

And today was my first day. I forgot how fucking hard working is. I quit my last job seven months ago and have been mooching off of my parents ever since (more than usual..).

I get paid oregon’s min. wage and I’ve never gotten paid minimum wage so that kind of sucks. I got paid $3 more per hour at my last job and I forgot how good I had it.

Nevertheless, I feel like the job isn’t too bad. I’m definitely tired and my feet hurt but that’s to be expected since today was my first day, right? 

I got one customer that was kind of annoyed with me because I fucked up and inconvenienced them. But everyone else was nice and understanding and didn’t visibly appear annoyed.

So I would say today was a success! 😊


On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?


I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.


Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

I haven’t posted something new in a little while but I’ve been extremely depressed.

I mentioned hat I got a b in biology and while I do want to move forward and while i do know that there’s nothing I can do about the grade now, I am still super depressed.
I guess I just came on to say of something that happened. Whenever my mom gets upset with me, she says “well you know what? There’s the door and you’re welcome to move out whenever you want!!”

She knows that I can’t move out. I have no where to go. I am neck deep in debt from school and couldn’t even afford to take it a loan if I wanted to. So she says this out of spite.

I sometimes just brush this off. But because I’ve been so depressed, my mind immediately went to “I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to kill myself and then I’ll move out permanently.”
I guess I just wish I didn’t internalize my feelings so much and then my parents would realize how much harm they are inflicting with their words. But that’s my own fault.

thinking out loud


Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

All I can do is move forward

Last night I had a really rough night. I found out I got a B in biology. I was off by two points to pass for an A, which is like pretty much nothing 😦
But anyways. I was super sad and was really getting down because I needed the A to try to reinstate financial aid. When I got into my car accident, I did so badly for school that my GPA dropped dramatically. I went from pretty much a 4.0 student to a 1.0 student (yeah, I know..).

So with getting the A, I would have been just over the margin of 2.0.

Also, you need a minimum of 2.5 to apply for the program I want to go into. It really sets me back. I would have to get an A in both anatomy and chemistry next term in order to also be just over the margin.

I was seriously ready to give up and was honestly having a lot of self harm thoughts.

However, I went to bed and this morning I’m feeling better. I know that I went through a lot this term with the death of Molly and I’m surprised I was so close to an A. 

Also I know I have time. I feel like because of parents immigrated here, I feel so much more pressure to do well. Because the fact of it is, is that they came here for a better life, and that includes me having better schooling. But big picture, I am barely turning 21. I have so much time and I can’t beat myself up about it so much. 

I am going to push on, appeal to financial aid, and try really hard on my science courses next term.
I can’t give up. I know I can do this. 

I passed my biology class with a B

And I feel so fucking horrible. Like a complete failure.

I needed an A to be able to apply to the program I wanted to this year. 

I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts and I just really felt like this would be my term. Like this would be the term I did well in. I spent so much time studying.

I’m so sad.

On being in a new relationship

SO I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here, but I got in a new relationship. I did this a month before Molly died. I think I unconsciously did it out of spite.

The person and I have been seeing each other since March, first casually and then romantically. I do love them, and they say that they love me. They said it first, actually. But I don’t know if I’m ready.. And honestly I don’t know if I’m saying it back out of habit.

I like telling people I love them. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like they know I care about them. And I care about this person a lot. But I feel like…because I never really got over Molly, I compare them a lot. And Molly always wins. This person has issued with codependency and I do too so it’s not like I can be so critical. But it just gets to be too much sometimes honestly.

I guess.. It’s not so much that THEY are too much. I’m just kind of emotionally unavailable right now. I think about Molly ALL the time. So much. And I miss her so, so much. I cry nearly every day about her. And I’m SO busy right now. I’m trying to apply to a professional program and I’m so busy trying to get my grades up.

I know that I should be socializing but it also feels like being in a relationship really deters me and holds me back for some things. It’s different when you see someone casually. Sure, you can message each other often, but there isn’t or shouldn’t be expected anything in the end. IMO.

I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship. I didn’t think about how busy I would be. I didn’t know that Molly would die.

But relationships are a lot of work. It isn’t jus them that can be too much. It’s me too. And it is so emotionally draining. They’ll get upset because I can’t hang out as often as they want. I’ll get upset because they suck ass at talking via text messages.

I HAVE thought about breaking up with them. But I feel so bad. They really like me and I wish I could like them as much as they like me. But I can’t right now. 

I don’t want to hurt their feelings because they say this is the first “healthy” relationship they’ve been in. We are FB official so I also feel like it’d be fucked up and embarrassing on my part too to change it to single after only a few months. Idk!! I’m struggling and I wish there was an easy answer. 

I know they wouldn’t want to stay friends afterwards and that sucks too. 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m making poor, impulsive choices and it is fucking everything up. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m overwhelmed or if it’s really how I feel. 

I always want to fix my parents’ problems for them.

Often times, I find myself wanting to get in the middle of their fights just to get them to stop. Actually, it’s not even wanting to do it. I do do it. Every time.

Both of my parents are very stubborn and they don’t like admitting they’re wrong. Small, petty fights are drawn out to be long, bitter fights.
I’ve talked about this before on a separate blog. I’ve also talked to my therapist about it. The answers are the same –I am not responsible for my parents. I know that, I do. But I also don’t want them to fight or get divorced. I think that would hurt even more. And so I do try to me the mediator a lot.

My brother is 14 and I guess, I try to fix my parents’ problems so that he won’t have to have divorced parents. If it happens, I just don’t want it to happen when he’s still young. I’m also doing it for myself. It hurts me because my parents will get mad at me if I don’t take their side. Their response when I try to talk to them about it is, “why am I always the bad guy?”

I wish they wouldn’t see it that way. 
There’s not really much to say in this post. I’m just posting it to vent. It’s kind of all I do on this blog and actually, I made it with the intent of just having to vent. So excuse me to any of my followers if I seem negative all the time. Good things do happen to me and I have good people in my life. But this is kind of the first place I go to when I want to talk about troubling things that are on my mind.

Anyways, I wish this wasn’t the situation blahblah. Who would? 

Bitterness and Forgiveness

I am often a bitter person. Being wronged by someone upsets me. It upsets me because many times, I feel like I really put my all into someone or something. To not be recognized for that or to be sort of backstabbed is hurtful. It makes me feel bitter and petty.

The last time Molly and I officially talked to each other, we got upset. I told her that I was tired of being jerked around and treated like I didn’t matter. She said she felt the same way and that she was tired of being manipulated.

That upset me a lot because I felt like I put in SO MUCH towards her. I tried so much and, essentially, deteriorated and wore myself away because of trying to take care of her. Because I was codependent. I didn’t think I was manipulative, I thought she was. It was annoying to hear that I was the one being manipulative.

I told her goodbye. We left it at that. We were already kind of sick of each other I think. Not on a big picture basis, but we just kept getting on each others nerves. I was constantly upset because I felt like she wasn’t trying to get help for her addiction. I felt that she wasn’t trying. She would be upset with me because I nagged her about doing a lot of things; i.e. going to therapy, calling for appointments, etc. I thought that I was being helpful. I should have just let her figure it out for herself. My mindset was that I didn’t want her to fuck everything up more than she already had.

Anyway, she went off to rehab again and we didn’t talk for more than two months. I was still very hurt, but I secretly wanted to know how she was doing. I would check her social media every day to see how she was. To see if she missed me.

I didn’t actually know when she was getting out of rehab, until I decided to check out her twitter one day and she had posted about it. It felt like my heart sank to my stomach. I was scared. I was scared because honestly, the relationship between us was tearing me apart and I would get so bad in terms of mental illness whenever she got back. I was scared I would give in, talk to her again, and fall into the codependent cycle again. But, god, I knew that deep in my heart, I missed her so much.

I had decided to cut her off. I did it because I knew I needed to. But I also did it because I was still angry, petty, and bitter.

She sent me a message on snapchat maybe a week after she got out. I had forgotten to block her on that and so that’s how she got through I guess. The message said, “I’m sorry for how I talked to you last time. I was out of line.”

But it wasn’t enough for me. I was SO angry. The anger just stemmed from me really putting myself out there and then feeling like I got slapped in the face for it. I never replied.

I was so angry that I never wanted to even talk about her. I got upset if someone tried to talk to me about her or asked me how she was doing.

She died two weeks later. I still feel so bad and I am filled with so much regret that I had built up so much bitterness and anger towards her. I really did want to be friends with her again.

I’m sad that I was so angry about what she had done that I never wanted to talk about her. All I want to do now is talk about her. Constantly, constantly, constantly.

I think that by ignoring her, I was being manipulative a bit. I think I am manipulative in small, subtle ways. I always want to be the victim and I always play myself out to be so.

But, I did eventually want to reconnect. I just needed time to process my anger.

It feels like that feeling when they describe in books or movies where someone regrets not talking to their parents or being mad at them, and then something happens to them, like they get in an accident or something and then they die. It feels like that sort of regret.

Since then, I have been trying really hard to dispel my bitterness quicker. I still do feel the initial anger and bitterness. But instead of feeding it and constantly thinking about it, letting it build up, I try to rationalize what is happening. I try to think, “is this worth getting so upset over?”

It usually isn’t.

It has also caused me some sort of trouble though.

The other day, I got upset with my mom. After I had gotten upset, she left to go run some errands. I started thinking, “shit, what if something happens to her and I never get to tell her I was sorry?” I didn’t want that to happen to me ever again. I wanted to call her and tell her I was sorry. But then I thought, “what if she answers while she’s driving, gets distracted by me, and she crashes?” I thought, hmm maybe I should text her. The thought that followed was, “what if I text her, she tries to look at the text while she’s driving, and she still dies?”

I’ve just been having a lot of intrusive thinking lately.

The point of this post is that I have been trying to not be so bitter. I know that what happened to Molly isn’t my fault. I try really hard to remind myself that. But I do feel a lot of regret towards how our relationship as lovers and as friends ended.

I really don’t want that to ever happen again.

i think of her every day.

I think of Molly every day. Sometimes it is just a passing thought. Sometimes it is a thought that I’ll focus on more. Right now, I am continuously thinking about her and wanting so badly to have her here. I’m trying so hard to replay all of our shared memories together. Sometimes it is hard to remember and it makes me so sad.

In general, it is easier to remember the bad things that have happened to you in life more than the good ones.

I am remembering more of the bad parts than the good parts.

But I do think of the good parts. Sometimes it’ll be as simple as a car ride, other times it’ll be an event we both went to. Other times, it was just the calmness of being able to lie next to each other at night, hearing the ins and outs of our breath.

I am so angry with myself for having cut her off. I know I did it for a good reason. But sometimes, I also tend to view myself as the victim in ever situation. Was this one of those times?

I’m angry with myself because other people got to be there for her when I wasn’t. Other people were able to talk to her the day before she died and I didn’t. And it is literally my fault. It is all my own doing. I did this to myself.

She was such a good person. She was, besides her addiction. She had the most beautiful heart. Everyone saw it too. I’m so sad that all of these things happened to her. She didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes I think that it is me that wore her down. Sometimes I think that I was too much. I am so fucked up. I feel like that got to her. She had such a beautiful heart that she always wanted to make sure I was ok.

And people don’t get that.

She was there for me so much. She was literally the only person I had as a support system my entire year at university. I had no friends (in fact, I had enemies), my parents didn’t talk to me because they found out I was gay. It was bad. It felt like nobody cared about me. Nobody but her. And so yes, I did rely on her a lot.

I tried so hard to be there for her too when her addiction started getting bad. I honestly feel like I was the one that was there for her the most. Not to invalidate everyone else. But I tried so fucking hard. I wore myself so thin to the point where my friends would be asking me if i was ok and that it was noticeable that i wasn’t doing well.

but i didn’t care. and i stayed with her. and i wish even now that she was still here. we loved each other so much. when we broke up, neither one of us cried. there was nothing left to say. it wasn’t that we were sick of each other, but all of the emotions that could have been experienced had already happened. for me, i had already spent so long begging her and pleading her to get better. it was making empty threats of “i can’t stay with you if you’re going to keep doing this.” it was crying every single day on the phone with her because i wanted her to get better. and when i finally broke up with her and nothing was felt, i knew that wasn’t her fault. i know that it hurt her too. but i know that she wasn’t capable of feeling anything. she didn’t care. the addiction took over and she didn’t care about anything. not even herself.

it makes me so sad to think that. even though we didn’t shed tears i told her, “i know that we are soulmates. i just know it. theres no way we’re not. we are perfect for each other and the only thing that is getting in the way is your addiction. please get better, we can be friends, and we can even be back together again.” i loved her so fucking much. i wanted so badly for things to be ok again. i wanted her in my life so badly. even when things turned sour, i checked her twitter and her tumblr every single day, multiple times a day. to see if she would be talking about me or just to see what she was doing in her life. I’m so fucking pathetic.

i miss them so much still. i miss all the different ways they told me and showed me that they loved me. i miss having her as a best friend. i miss being silly with her and literally just being myself around her. i had never been able to do that before. she was the first person that was ever truly “myself” with. i wish so badly that she was still here. i miss her so much. i know that it must get old that i keep making posts about her and that they all say that i miss her.

but i feel so guilty that iw aunt there. i feel so stupid. all i can say is that i miss her. i miss her i miss her i miss her. i miss everything about her.