Tag Archives: school

Failure

I am probably going to fail another class. I spoke with my professor about taking an incomplete. He said that it would probably be better to withdraw from the college and attempt when I feel better. Going back to the cycle. It never ends.

I can’t help but think that sometimes I use my mental illness as an excuse. But is it really an excuse? I feel like I’m being manipulative. I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid that I let myself get to this point again.

I feel really fucking shitty.I feel hopeless and like I’ll never reach my goals. I feel like there’s so many people exactly like me, too. Bipolar, with big dreams. I haven’t accomplished anything and I’m in debt from my failed attempts. 

Was it ever attainable? Or have I always been kidding myself? Is this growing up? Or growing pains?

I don’t know if I’ll ever pull it together.

Advertisements

Update: 4/26/17

Life has been ok lately.

I started the new school term early April. I’m maybe three weeks into the term. It hasn’t been terribly bad but I’m also slacking in, you guessed it, anatomy. It’s so hard to remember so much. But I have to get a good grade because my gpa sucks 😦

A girl that I had started becoming good friends with loved to Alaska. I’m really sad about it. We text every day but I wish we could actually hang out in person. She was a good influence in the sense that she was also bipolar so it felt good to have someone that also went through the same things I do.

I’ve been seeing someone seriously since January. We had been talking since September but since I was so infatuated with that other asshole, I wasn’t really paying attention to this one. He is really nice.

We aren’t casual. But we aren’t in a relationship. I hate being in a relationship without a relationship title. 

Backstory: his job is in demand and recruiters from all states are often calling him and offering him bonus’ as an incentive to move. He got an offer in chicago that he said he would be considering in June.

Last night, he was drunk and suddenly said, “I think I would feel bad if I asked you to be my girlfriend and then two months later, had to move for my job.” Naturally, I am hurt. Deep down, i already knew that this was the case. But I was hoping so much that it wasn’t. I am so naive so much of the time, it’s ridiculous. Rationally, i know I should appreciate his honesty and I know I should be pragmatic. But I get so emotional so fast. When I fall for someone, i fall hard. I put a lot of myself to show how I feel about them.

So I’m feeling stupid because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of showing small acts of “”love”” and it feels like it’s for no reason. It now feels like I’m just being lead on or more, being strung along. I don’t think that it’s fair for me to be involved romantically with someone exclusively only to be waiting for the expiration date. 

My friend asked me, “does he make you happy? Do you have a good time with him? Maybe you should just ride it out.” And I certainly do. I love spending time with him and I love being around him. But I don’t know that I can just ride it out. I feel too move I think for that to be healthy for me. I am too sensitive.

It is also a little confusing for my heart. The other day, he said that he could get a spare key for his apartment, so I could come and go as I please. That’s obviously not casual relationship behavior. So everything is feeling so intense without there being a reason for me to take it so intensely.

It is something I have to think about because I don’t want him to leave while I’m still involved, and have myself fall into a deep depression because of it. Wouldn’t it be better to just let go now? Wouldn’t it be easier in the long run? When I fall into situations like this, letting go for me means ghosting. It means telling them, “this isn’t working out, k thnx bye,” blocking them, and just pushing them out of my life. I hate to do that because I feel so much for him.

I don’t really know what to do.

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

Life Right Now…

Has been very hectic. I am constantly working overtime, and even coming right after class on my days off, when I have school, so that I can get more hours. I didn’t really get financial aid assistance and taking out more loans makes me super nervous. I have a loan that I had taken out in 2014 for when I went to university and it was a lot. I obviously didn’t continue going to that university and honestly, I feel super guilty about that loan all the time because my dad cosigned for it. At one point, I felt really depressed and suicidal over it. But, I couldnt actually harm myself since my dad cosigned and if I wasn’t alive, then he would have to taken on my burden and that would make me feel worse.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been working a lotttttt. I am part time but I am working hours that make me closer to full-time…without the benefits. I also took on too many credits for school. Last term I was taking 9, with just anatomy and chemistry and it was really hard. I took on 15 this term because two of those classes are sociology classes. I took them on because they seemed like easy courses and I really need my GPA to be higher. And they are easy. But it is extra work and it takes longer to finish than I had anticipated. So that’s going on as well.

I honestly haven’t had any time to be with friends, but I really try to squeeze someone in if I really want to see them. I went on a date the other day and it went good.. I think. It was someone that I had been talking to since literally September. But I had been seeing that dumb guy from before until last month and because I was so into him, I didn’t try to make time to meet anyone else. It went well, I think. He said he wants to hang out again. He was nice.

Speaking about the dumb guy.. I had been seeing him since early September and literally stopped talking to him the last day of 2016. At the time, I didn’t have the intention of never talking to him again. But then he wouldn’t text me first.. and because I feel like I often text people first all the time, I didn’t want to do it again. Needless to say, up to this day, I still have not received the first text I wanted. I definitely felt hurt in the beginning, and very angry. I still feel upset to be honest. I am more at peace with the fact that we aren’t seeing each other and I don’t wish him any harm and have no ill feelings. But I guess it just isn’t a good feeling just to be dropped like that, you know?
I guess I should consider it a blessing in disguise, since I was so stupidly infatuated and he wasn’t and would take advantage of it. I deleted him from my phone contacts. I have yet to delete him on social media but have only allowed myself until the end of the month to mourn the whole shebang. One more day until I force myself to amputate this dead relationship. It doesn’t feel very good because this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I think it’s a little funny because in late December, I had mentioned to him that I think it’s nice that we stayed friends and were constantly talking.. he had agreed.

I’m talking to two other people right now, besides the guy I went on a date with. I haven’t met either of them yet. I am supposed to be hanging out with one of them sometime soon. The other day, they told me that they “like” me, and they meant it in a way that is beyond platonic and beyond puppy love feelings I think. He is on the older side, and I get the impression that he is just lonely. It is obviously just infatuation. Saying that though, makes me feel a little bad. Because I clearly get infatuated so fucking easily. I guess we’ll see how things go.
I just started talking to the other guy and he seems cool and interesting. He is closer to my age. I don’t know enough about him to really say if I like him or now (jk, didn’t I just say I get infatuated really easily?)

 

I’ve been pretty stable for a while, too. I can honestly say that I haven’t had serious suicidal thinking in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. The last time I felt really bad and suicidal way probably the end of last school-term. So.. early December? I guess it just feels like I long time because I have a breakdown literally every single month. But I’ve been doing all right. Maybe I’m just keeping myself busy enough that I don’t even really have time for those kinds of thoughts. On that note, I am proud of myself for relatively keeping on top of all of my responsibilities. I have not fallen behind in homework or in my courses yet. I’m definitely struggling with chemistry and anatomy, as they are my hardest classes. I actually have an anatomy exam later today, which I don’t feel too great about. But I know that I haven’t invested enough time in that class and that it is just a matter of studying more. I’m not feeling amazing but I’m not feeling terrible. I’m also not just miserably pushing through each day. I’m just…ok.

 

So! That’s life right now. I’m drowning in homework and adore the attention I’m receiving. What’s new?

tumblr_ohvossnHB21tm1x8po1_1280.jpg

a letter for you

I miss you so, so much. I miss everything about you and I miss all the moments we shared. I miss all the moments that we didn’t get to share and I miss the things that we were supposed to do together. I miss you, completely, entirely.

So much has been happening since you died. Saying passed away doesn’t really seem right, as you didn’t die of a natural cause. I have been trying really hard in school, or so it feels like. I got a new job, and quit that job for a better job. The job I have now is working at a funeral home. It is a little funny how death follows you around. Working here has been a different experience than I thought it would be. It isn’t scary. And I don’t see the bodies as being alive.. if that makes sense. They are just bodies. There is no one there.
Seeing it that way makes it a lot less scary. I have realized that often times, the funerals that are being held are more for the families and friends to get closure. Seeing heir loved one in such a state can really solidify the fact that they are no longer there.

I think that that’s one of the things I am still sad about. I never got to see you. The last time I had officially seen you was on Valentine’s Day. How fucking terrible. I’m sad that even though you were cremated, I didn’t get to see or be around your ashes. I think that seeing that would have really made me feel at peace. You weren’t happy in this life anyways. And you weren’t even really “living” anymore. You were trying to get by the best you could. That also makes me sad. But I do wish that I had gotten to see you. Instead, the first I had heard that you had died, I couldnt believe it. I don’t mean that I was in disbelief. I genuinely didn’t believe that you were gone. I tried to see you. I called the morgue that you were in. But they said that I had to pay to come see you and also have permission from the family. I think I would have had a good chance for you r mom to let me see you. But I didn’t have the money they required. So I couldnt see you.

I went to the memorial your town held for you, hoping to have some type of closure there. I ended up feeling angry and I left before the service even started.

Your family released your ashes into the ocean. You always said that you wanted to be a mermaid.

I don’t think that your family likes me very much. And that hurts, because I don’t know that they know the severity of the things that you and I had gone through. I try to look past it. But it just sucks.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I always do. But even more so lately. Bad things have been happening lately and I haven’t been talking about them with anyone. I have been keeping them locked up. I haven’t even really talked about it online. I’m scared I’ll annoy all my online friends too. besides, whenever someone brings you up, I don’t really know what to say. I’m still in shock. But sure enough, I know that I will go home or rush to the bathroom and let a few tears fall out, or just turn into a complete mess.

Something I have been thinking about it how much I took you for granted. You didn’t need to do so many things for me. But you loved me so much that you did. I think that I tried to make up for in when you were going through your addiction. I wanted to be there for you, idk you had been there for me. You had been with me through my worst times, and I wanted to be there for yours. But god damn, it was so hard. It was hard because I loved you so fucking much, that I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted you to get better. I didn’t care about my own mental health. I just wanted you to be ok.

I eventually had to let you go, you see. and it wasn’t because I stopped loving you. But I was so angry with you. I was so angry that you hadn’t beat your addiction, despite having been in and out of rehab so many times that year. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to you for months. I found out through someone else that you had died.

I’m still so fucking sad. I wish you were here more than anything. You were honestly so pure and so good. It was all the addiction turning you differently. Even so, you tried your hardest not to change. You tried so hard to not be a horrible person. I miss everything about you

I miss talking to someone every day abut what happened throughout my day. I miss talking to someone about those things and having them actually listen and give a shit. I miss having someone that isn’t just waiting their turn to talk but rather, is listening to me and gives me feedback about the things I say. I miss being with someone that doesn’t just want to talk about themselves. I miss being with someone that actually cares about how I’m doing. I miss having someone that cares about me and doesn’t just ask, “are you ok?” just to gossip. I miss being able to share the stupidest things with you. I miss the inside jokes we had. I miss being silly with each other. I miss being silly with each other and saying the dumbest, grossest things and still loving each other more and more. I miss having someone that I can talk to about my bad days.

I miss someone that will tell me they are proud of me for even the small things.
No one does that anymore. If I don’t do as well as I would have wanted in a class, there is no, “I am glad you tried your best.”
It is, “why didn’t you do better? all you do is go to school.”
I miss that you would congratulate me on the small things ; like getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to class. I miss you. I miss how supportive you were.

I miss listening to music with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss having you sing to me and play guitar. I miss talking about music. I miss hearing about all the details and the history of certain bands that you know. I miss listening to podcasts with you on rainy days. I miss playing video games with you. I miss having spa days with you. I miss eating together. I miss snacking together. I miss that we wouldn’t judge each other because we were both lil chubby babies and it didn’t matter. I miss sending you pictures of cute, fluffy corgi butts. I miss crying at dog videos with you. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss playing words with friends with you, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

I even miss your snoring. And I even miss when you would randomly fart in the middle of the night when you were sleeping.

I miss doing things with you. I miss going to the lake with you, and to the movies. I miss making plans with you. The reservations you had made in advance on Facebook have expired. You haven’t made a reservation to an event in six months. You never will anymore.

I miss talking to you. You were always one of the only people I actually liked talking on the phone with. I miss that we were both into the same things. I miss being able to talk about stupid shit with you. I miss sending you memes. I miss sending you funny clips. I miss discovering new restaurants with you, even if the food I order is shitty. I miss that you genuinely thought I was beautiful. You weren’t just using me for sex or for validation. You really, actually loved me. And it was so beautiful.

I miss sharing clothes, even though you couldnt fit into mine because I was much shorter than you. I miss cooking and baking together. I miss waking up groggily to the sound of your voice. I miss when you would rub my back just to make me feel good. I miss making playlists for you, and you for me. I miss silly face snapchats. I miss talking about gross situations with you,like whether or not you would eat my toe jam if I offered you money. You always said yes.

I miss literally everything about you. I miss how no one else is like you. It really feels like I will never find anyone as close to being as perfect as you were. You were so selfless. You were the person everyone should strive to be. I miss you so fucking much that it feels like I can’t handle it. It feels like it is too much. I am having a really hard time without you. I am having a hard time coming to terms with your death. In my mind, it still feels like you will come back for some reason. I don’t know. I’m just being stupid. But I miss you so fucking much, I couldnt even explain it even if I tried. My heart feels forever broken. And no one gets it. No one understands. No one could begin to understand the pain I feel from missing you so much. I wish so badly that you would come back. I really, really need you to come back. I really don’t know how much more I can take without you.

A Good Ol’ Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown in front of my parents the other day. This was the day after I told them about how I wasn’t going to apply to the dental hygiene program.

They started telling me that they didn’t want me to keep postponing it and how I should have been done already. And how if I’m not going to be going to school that I should start paying off my loans. And how they’re worried for me because I’m still in the place that I am and they’re not always going to be alive to provide for me and blahblah. And how it seems like I’m comfortable at my job and how if I want to always be low income then to my progress and blah blah.

It was just like way too fucking much. And I listened and I took it until I really couldn’t anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown and said that I’m tired of them thinking that I’m not trying, and how it’s not like I like knowing that I keep failing and just I’m a failure.  And that it didn’t make sense that I was comfortable at my job because I had just started this job three weeks ago. I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of being seen this way because I already hated myself already want to die every single day.

My dad yelled at me and left. My mom got into a whole lecture. I had gone to see a friend that night and several times in the day, she texted me that she didn’t want me to do anything stupid and that everyone loves me and whatnot.

I feel bad because I never ever want to say those types of things to them because I don’t want them to worry. Truth be told, I always have suicidal thoughts. Every day, several times a day. It’s been like this since I was 12. I get terrible hearing it all especially from my dad. My dad and I were never close so I guess you could say I have daddy issues. I always want to impress him. And knowing that I disappointed him doesn’t feel good, especially when he’s the one telling me such things. I feel even worse now because I made him cry with what I said.

Idk I feel really dumb and like honestly like I know it seems like I’m throwing myself a pity party but my mind can’t help but go to a negative place. I can’t help but think that I am a huge burden and continue being a huge burden. And that everything would be so much better if I wasn’t here. I know how stupid that sounds considering I’m saying how bad I feel about hurting my parents for saying how I feel.

But just because I apologized to them doesn’t mean that the feelings stop existing. I can’t help but think that way because I’ve always thought that way. And sure, I could change. But trying to tell someone that’s bipolar to change anything is a challenge. Now, try telling a bipolar person to stop having the same suicidal thoughts they’ve had for 9 years… you get the point. 

It’s not even that I don’t try. I was actually doing SO well the beginning of this year. But I go from 0-100 so quickly. Anything bad that happens makes me immediately switch my way of thinking. I’m irrational and wreckless. 

The last time I admitted I had these feelings, my parents threatened to remove my room door and to remove all sharp objects from the house. A dumb way to get my to stop thinking the way I do. But the good intentions are there. I haven’t seen them since I said these things (yesterday) and afraid it’ll be the same thing all over again.

I hate knowing that all the thoughts I’m having and writing out are completely ridiculous and selfish. But it’s how I feel. And this is my mindset right now. I had thinking this way and being in this position because I feel like such a child.

I am progressively losing my mind.

my feelings this week

My feelings this week.

I have made a new friends and she’s really great. One of my better friends.
She is also bipolar and we talk all the time and talk to each other about our trash ass decisions, and help each other and validate each others’ trash ass decisions. It’s great.

I am staying the night at her house this weekend. I am stoked because I just need to get distracted. I don’t want to be home and I don’t want to fuck around with men just for the sake of not being home.

I am glad I have her as a friend. She has been there for me when no one else was


Onto the topic of boys (ew, boys). I have still been fucking around with the white boy. The way I see it, is that I currently don’t really care about him or whats going on between us. I like him a lot and care about him. But thinking long run, it would never work out. I wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t like talking every day and knowing how fucking clingy I am, that’s definitely not going to work out. Also, theres been instances where we get into a weird argument and he always wants to be right. That annoys me. It annoys me when someone doesn’t take other points of view into consideration. And that is what he does.

I have been going on dates with another guy. We can call him weird dude because quite frankly, he is a weird dude. He is really sweet, so incredibly nice, and he pays for my things every time we go out. I don’t expect him to because I’m a ~*feminist*~ but it sure feels nice.
However, I don’t think that I share the same feelings that he does. I kissed him a few weeks back and it was weird. That same night, he asked me if that meant that we were mutually exclusive. It freaked me out because that happened so quickly. I told him that I needed more time to hang out with him because I don’t know much about him.

and fair enough for that, right?

But I don’t think we would work out anyways. He is also not a consistent texted and even when he sees that I’m posting something sad on snapchat, he never asks me whats going on or even if I’m ok or even says that he hopes I’m ok. nope. none of that. and i don’t like that either. if you see that I’m having a hard time and you are wanting to be my significant other, then you better fucking care about me and fucking care about my wellbeing. isn’t that fair? to want your partner to care about how you’re doing? I think it is.

tumblr_ofdncq5s2n1riae3do1_540


Because of all of this, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts come up. A LOT. It’s been bad. I want to cut myself so badly. I want to take all the pills I have. I just got refills. I know I could do it. But I also know that I won’t. What am I afraid ok? I’m afraid that I’m thinking that heaven is some great thing where all loved ones are reunited. and i’m afraid that once I die, it won’t be like that at all. I will be nothing. absolutely nothing. and that is what I am afraid of.

This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I am so fucking stressed out. I am so tied of being such a disappointment to my parents. I am tired of them just being like “well, ok. you’re going to do whatever you want anyways.” instead of pushing me. They’re tired too. They’re tired of the broken promises and the hope they have to keep getting crushed. I am stupid. I keep feeling like such a fucking failure. I am only 21. But I should have gotten my shit together by now.

I am so fucking sad because I fucking miss my dead ex-girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I know that in this time, she would be telling me that she is so proud of me and that I am trying my best. I miss that she was the only person that was always rooting for me. She always wanted me to do well and she always knew that I would eventually reach my dreams and achieve my goals. It’s been hitting me so hard lately –the fact that she’s gone and will never come back. She was the only person that actually cared about me. She didn’t judge me. In a way, she loved me unconditionally. I miss her so so so fucking much. None of you have any idea. I am hurting so fucking bad.

 

tumblr_nsdt1z3mcy1qfolwro1_400

This was a message I had sent to her after a long day at work. I had recently become store manager and just got piled on a bunch of duties and I had to train myself.She always congratulated me for the little things…like getting out of bed, doing my nails, showing, eating. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. There is no one in my life that just says “you got out of bed today! yay!! I am so proud of you baby girl”

no.
one.

and I miss having that sincere, beautiful love in my life. I miss her so much. I feel so fucking heartbroken. and no one cares.

not applying this year

tumblr_oalh5c0lkb1v7u474o1_500

I recently told my parents that I will not be applying to the dental hygiene program this year.
I had mentioned it to my mom a few days ago and my reasons were

  1. I have a TERRIBLE gpa right now. it’s terrible from all the times I tried to take a heavy load of difficult college courses even though I was so incredibly unstable.
  2. I am just starting to get better. I feel that if I try to take on too much at once, I will get bad again. I feel that I need to learn how to be “ok” for a little bit and then apply.
  3. I will still be taking classes and will still be working. I am taking classes all the way through summer and due to this, all the extra credits and hopefully good grades will boost my gpa by a lot.
  4. I do not really have anyone I can ask for a referral. I didn’t make strong connections with any professors at this college. The last college I went to was in early 2015 and I doubt that any of my professors then remember enough about me to be able to give an accurate referral.

So those were my reasons.

Last night, I had gotten an application to a particular college that sends the applications over mail. I was able to calculate my entire GPA through it, as I have three different GPA’s from three different colleges I attended. Basically, my gpa right now is 1.93 with all the colleges combined. The MINIMUM you need to be able to get into the DH program is 2.5. I thought that I would make it this term, since I have higher than a 2.00 at the college I’m at. But I forgot that you have to add in all of your transcripts. So I couldn’t even apply if I wanted to because I don’t have the gpa that I need.

I then had to tell both of my parents the news. They were not pleased. They were so incredibly disappointed and upset. I would try to tell them that my gpa didn’t start off well because I tried to do too much when I was clearly unstable.

“here we go again,” they said.

Yes, here we go again. I have absolutely no fucking support in this household. I am grateful that my parents provide for me in ways such as shelter, food, reliable car. But I don’t get any emotional support. Ever. And that weights heavily on me because I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can talk to. My mom often says that if I ever need anything or need someone to talk to, I can go to her. but how am I supposed to WANT to go to her when this is the shit that they pull?

“here we go again with excuses”

like. fuck. give me a fucking break.

 

my bipolar disorder feels so debilitating sometimes

Well, not sometimes. Most of the time. It literally feels like I will never accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish.

I literally think of dying every single day, multiple times a day and that makes getting through the day so much harder. Knowing that I am not getting better but rather, getting worse, makes me feel so fucking hopeless.
Faltering in school because of constantly feeling suicidal and hopeless elevates these feelings so much more, too.

I feel like I will always be a burden on my parents, despite how badly I want to not be.

I feel like I got so far this school term. I have invested so much time and money into this school term, and it’s energy that I can honestly say “I tried.”

I literally had a high B the entire term up until last week. Then a C. I have an exam today and I’m not feeling good about it and use fucking knowing that I was doing so well and that this isn’t a result of me not trying, but a result of a mental illness makes me so fucking angry. It feels really unfair and it feels like everything got ripped away so quickly. It feels like all the effort I made was useless. And I can’t even say, “oh, well this will serve as a lesson for next time and now I know what I need to do differently” because I DIDN’T do anything wrong. I just got bad again. And that’s always unpredictable. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how consistent I am with my meds and therapy I am, this is always going to be something that happens. This is always always always going to be an issue.

How can you succeed when the thing you need to fix is unfixable and unpredictable?
You don’t.

My Brother

My brother is so cool and confident. I wish I was more like him. I think that he resembles my mom personality more, while I have more of my dad’s personality. But my dad’s personality is stereotypical Mexican dad personality. Mexican culture upholds machismo and as a result, Mexican men tend to be very closed off. And that’s what my dad is like. I don’t know why I’m more like him personality-wise, as I was born here and have never been super close with my dad. But I am.

My brother is in choir, tennis, swimming, and debate club. He has straight A’s. He goes after what he wants and I am so envious. I was never like that, and I was always so shy and embarrassed to do anything. He’s 15. We moved to a different part of the city last year and while he was super sad to have left all his friends behind, he made friends at the new school soooo quickly. Within a week, he literally had people hugging him goodbye after school and like idk. I was like that at one point, and had a large portion of the school be my friend. But that was before I entered 7th grade, and then I just completely shut myself off. That was when my depression started and I started getting really irritated at everything. As a result, I wasn’t as friendly as I once was. I am envious of how popular he is.

I just wish that I had grown up to be more like him. I feel like he’s normal. Sure, he gets depressed sometimes. But it isn’t to the point where he lets it restrict any aspect of his life. By the time I was his age, I had already attempted to commit suicide three times. I just wish that life hadn’t turned out the way it did for me, and it feels a little unfair. Then again, mental illness is always a bit unfair.

I was always a bit of a hypochondriac when I was younger. I was always looking for some sort of disease or illness, thinking that I could have it, wanting to be sick. In part because I wanted attention, I guess. But I don’t want to be sick anymore. Not the way I am. I just want to be well.