Isolation

  
I am feeling very lonely but I know that I am the one that is pulling away from people.

I know that they are not ignoring me –I am the one ignoring them.

I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I’m like this.

positivity steps

i’m trying to come to terms that i will, again, probably fail the class i am currently taking. I’m quite disappointed in myself because i kept pumping myself up but i just never made it happen. the bad thing is, is that for each time you take a core science class, the harder it is to get into the program i would like to get into. understandably, though. if you think about it (this isn’t my field) but if you had a doctor that got a C in core classes that have to do with the human body, would you feel as comfortable? probably not. But I will re-take the class. And I will try to be ok.

I know that my parents will be very disappointed. But I’ve got to give myself some credit, I have been having a really rough year. My significant other battled an addiction for such a long time, until I had nothing left to give and we ended up just breaking up. We were both sad, but shed no tears. There just wasn’t anything left to say. I feel like that was the thing that really messed me up. I was putting so much effort into having someone else be ok, that I completely forgot to make sure that I was ok too.

I’ve decided to take steps towards being a more positive person. I have realized that I am very negative, and I realized this because of the bad date I went on. I just feel like it isn’t just being an introvert, and it isn’t just me being shy. Some people radiate happiness. And that’s ok. But I feel like I radiate negativity, and that isn’t ok with me.

I keep trying to re-route my negative thoughts. It is quite a challenge, especially because my eating disorder has been really bad (which completely fucked with my blood pressure and even though I’ve been eating regularly the past two days, i still get very dizzy and lightheaded whenever I move due to not eating at all for a couple of days).

But I am trying. And that’s got to count for something, right?

Body image

I’ve posted about this before but I’ve really been struggling with my eating disorder. I haven’t struggled this bad since maybe seventh grade? So it’s been maybe seven years.

I posted a picture of myself online (that I actually felt OK in) 

  and a lot of people are “liking” it but I’m getting increasingly self conscious. I’m at work and I want to cry because I hate myself so much. I want to tear my skin apart.

w t f ok

I’m soooooo annoyed with myself.

so you know how i went on a date last week and it wasn’t what i expected?

well. i’m still not fucking over it and I’m really annoyed at myself. there’s two people that have told me that they really like me, as in “go on a date with me” like. but i don’t really like them back. i don’t know. they’re really nice and they’re very cute. but i was sooo disgustingly infatuated with the bad date person and i still am lol. i keep hoping they look at my snapchats or idk i just want attention from them 😦

 

in relation to this, during the first conversation i had with my ex when they got out of jail (and i had told them that i just wanted to be friends), they were boasting about how many people had “liked” them on this online dating site and how they wanted someone to cuddle with. and i was like ????? why are you telling me this like why is this happening right now. I’m not even mad I’m just annoyed because we just broke up and also it feels really unfair and dumb that they moved on so quickly. especially because i was being stupid and waiting for them to get better for so long and it just didn’t happen until we fell out of love so. lol.

 

I invited one of the people that like me to go to an event with me on Monday (because the bad date person had told me about it) and i didn’t even call it a date until they called it a date and i was like ??? i don’t want to go alone but i also don’t want the bad date person to see me with a date because i want the bad date person to hang out with me again lol. I’m so pathetic i hate everything.

All or Nothing

I live with extremities. I cannot do something half assed. It has to be all or nothing for me.

My eating disorder is getting bad again. It started very suddenly. A few days ago, I just looked at myself in a picture and it really upset me. I hate the way I look in every single aspect. That’s when it all started.

I haven’t eaten for three days. I got dizzy today any time I moved. The feeling of emptiness felt good. I didn’t feel hungry. I felt fine. I felt like I was in control of something for once.

A couple minutes ago, I had a really big binge session and I’m so upset with myself. I feel like it was all for nothing. My life is such a mess. No one wants to be with me. Those that do end up getting pushed away because my mind twists things around and makes me think they don’t like me.

I feel like I annoy everyone. I annoy myself. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m really unstable and depressed and I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing about anything

I went on a date

So, I went on a date today. It’s the first date I’ve been on since Molly and I broke up. She is still in jail.

The person was really cool and we had been talking online/over text for quite some time and it felt like we were really hitting it off? I dunno. They would tell me I was cute and how they wanted to kiss me and blahblah.

Then, we hung out and I don’t know if we both just got really nervous but it was not a good first date. We walked around the city for a bit and went to eat and that was fine and cool, and we were getting along. THEN, we went back to their dorm room and just watched Netflix. Now, I was sort of looking forward to this because they said the night before that they wanted to cuddle so there I was like SO ANXIOUS. And we didn’t. We ended up watching six episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That’s three hours of just watching tv. Until I was sort of like, “fuck this isn’t working out and nothing is happening and this isn’t going the way I pictured AT ALL.”

So I ended up just saying I was going to go and then I cried in the parking structure. Then I went to Target and cried in the parking lot for an hour before going in to buy some chocolate lol. Then, the whole drive home (which is an hour) I cried.

I cried BECAUSE it had been my first date since Molly and I broke up. I was pretty into them and so that was disappointing. But what was most disappointing is that I really just wanted to feel wanted. I really wanted to feel like I was still likable and lovable. So when it didn’t work out I was just like “fuck, it’s never going to work out for me.”

Anyway, I had driven to a friends house and just completely cried to her telling her how fucking pathetic and ugly I felt. She comforted me and encouraged me to text them again because I had been pretty into them (though we were both not wanting anything serious).

I ended up texting them later apologizing, and telling them that I wasn’t being myself and if they wanted to try it again. They agreed but said that it would have to be after finals because they’re really busy. That would sound reasonable, right? Finals are over next week I assume. They go to a different college than I do but that’s when my finals end so I feel like they would end around the same time.
I felt fine and good and happy and relieved in that moment that they had texted ack that they would like to give it another change.
BUT THEN.. that’s when the fire nation attacked

No, seriously, that’s when my OCD started kicking in. I started analyzing every text we had sent each other and what had happened during the date. I realized, oh my god? I was the one that asked them out… and then I felt pathetic again lol. I know that they are a really nice person and are probably not lying about wanting to hang out after final, but because my OCD twists things around in my mind, I’m also thinking “they probably just said that so that I would forget about them and we won’t go out again.”
I know that sometimes dates don’t work out. I know this. I know that not every single date I go on will be good. And honestly, I have experienced dates in the past where they weren’t good, but we still stayed friends. I feel like I’m beating myself up more over this because I’m trying to fill the empty space in my heart that Molly once filled.

I’m not looking for a rebound. I just want to feel wanted again.

I wish I was still in a relationship where both of us were growing, learning, happy. With Molly (Jami changed her name to Molly), so many things go through my mind. We have not been together for a while. When I told my therapist that I had broken up with Molly, she basically jumped with joy. Because she knew that I was really draining myself for Molly. But I still ache inside. 
The last time I saw Molly was on Valentine’s Day. I drove two hours to go see her. The entire time, she didn’t really seem like she wanted to be with me. She said that she was tired.. But I was tired too. I drive for so long to go see her. I tried cheering her up in some ways, or to get her to be more enthusiastic. I did her makeup and her. Still, it seemed like she didn’t care that I was there. Frustrated, I told her that I was just going to go since it seemed like she didn’t want me there. She said ok. I asked her if she was going to walk me to my car, and she just let out a huge groan. As if it is a chore to be with me. I left angrily. The next day, she walked a mile to go buy inhalants.

I had told her two days later that I would be cutting her out of my life. 

That I needed to focus on myself.

Well, that hasn’t been going as planned. I was pulled back in (I let myself be pulled back in) and fell back into the cycle of worrying about her 24/7.

So that’s where I’m at. Having a sliver of hope for the future, and wanting her to be ok. 

But she’s in jail right now because she abused inhalants in public. And no one even told me until I asked. 

Side note: I found out today that not even an hour had passed from when I told Molly I was cutting her off that she made a tinder and an okcupid. So while I was being a fucking stupid idiot, crying and mourning over a failed relationship, she didn’t even care and was looking for someone new. 
So many of Molly’s friends will probably read this and think, “Monica is such a bitch. Why is she leading Molly on.” But I’m really not. They have no idea what it means to love someone with an addiction. An addiction so deadly. It is constantly trying to comfort someone who is high, even though they’re calling you names and even though they’re texting other people, telling them what a bad person you are. It is trying to calm them down when they’re suddenly angry at you, convinced you’re trying to kill them. It is being pulled into the, “yes, I promise I will try to get better.” And trying to believe it. Because you know that at one time, they could keep that promise (though you damn well know they aren’t able to now). It’s always having a sliver of hope that they will get better, even though everything seems so hopeless.
You could think I’m a bitch for saying that Molly isn’t trying as hard as she could. You could say I’m a bitch for saying that she isn’t making an attempt.

But, sure, she says she wants to go to rehab again. But rehab is not a bubble to protect you from the world. You only go to rehab to learn crucial skills. There is a big difference between going to rehab and using the skills you have learned, and going to rehab and expecting everything to be ok and fixed automatically when you get out. Which do you think has been going on?
At one time, Molly and I were hopelessly in love. Growing and basking in each other’s light. Pushing each other to be better people.
But it isn’t like that anymore. And it hurts to admit it. It feels more like one person is bearing the weight of the other, trying to help them get better, even when they have no interest in doing so. 
It is no ones fault but mine for draining myself for Molly. I am not obligated to do so. But because I care about her so much and because we had been together for so long, it felt like I needed to. In my heart, it felt like there was still a chance at a viable, healthy relationship.
But here we are. Here.

Nobody cares

I am currently feeling really annoyed and irritated with everyone. Why is it that I have to listen to other people’s problems and deal with their daily crisis’, but when something is going on with me, I’m irrelevant. I’m just as good as the dirt on the bottom of a shoe.

I’m so fucking fed up. I am so pissed off at everyone. It isn’t fair that I am there for so many people but fucking no one can be there for me!!!!