The Ghosting

First of all, I see my therapist for the first time in two months today. I didn’t avoid her intentionally. School just got in the way. I’m contemplating if I should or shouldn’t tell her that I’ve been an apologetic floozy. But I’ll save that for another post.

I’ve been going on dates with someone for the past month now. And they were super, super into me and last time we went on a date. They reiterated that they really liked me. They had asked me to be their girlfriend a month ago, which was a terrifying experience and I told them I needed to get to know them better. To be honest, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now.

Ok, back on topic. Soon after this guy asked me to be his girlfriend and after I had said no, I told him that I had bipolar disorder and that I just thought it was something he needed to know. Considering things were getting more serious. I figure that if I’m going to scare someone away, I might as well prepare them with the actual diagnosis as a teaser. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and that we could talk about it more later on.

A few days ago, we were talking and I was sort of asking questions for him to elaborate on some of his interests that he always goes on about. That’s what people do, right? Texting is a big way for me to communicate with my s/o and I need you to type out long ass paragraphs for me to consider dating you.

And he literally shut me up. “Honestly, ask me about this when I’m not at a bar and not via text because I don’t feel like explaining myself.”

Um. Ok.

1. How was I supposed to know you were at a bar

2. Fuck you and eat my ass

Nah, not really. I ignored him for a day until I told him what was bothering me. He apologized and went on to say that he hasn’t been good at talking over text and that he was going to make a conscious effort to be better.

Me, being the insecure bipolar girl that I am, guilted myself into telling him that he didn’t have to and that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place “”lol never mind”” he didn’t respond and after i told him while I was on prescribed ambien that I wanted to see him, he reaponded hooouuurrssss later,

“I want to see you too but this is so confusing.”

I think about that and I want to BARF.
A few weeks ago, he tried to get me to talk dirty to him and after I said no, and then apologized the next day (do you see a pattern?) he said “yeah idk I was confused.”

I think that normally, I would think, “shit, yeah, what am I doing? I’m saying one thing and acting completely different way.”
b u t, I’m also tired of being the crazy one. And I know that that’s how I’m being viewed. I can only imagine him thinking, “so this is what she meant when she said she was bipolar, huh?”

 

I’m annoyed because for someone that was swooning over me pretty hard, everything just sounds so dismissive.
I don’t fucking care if you’re confused. If you’re confused, get un-confused. Figure it out. Tell me how you’re feeling. Ask me ANYTHING. But don’t treat me like I’m the crazy one.

 

I don’t think I will text him back if he tries to talk to me. I think I will need to unfriend him on social media platforms I have him on. I don’t mean to be immature. But it will just be a reminder of one more person that ended up getting wounded in my bipolar battlefield. And I don’t really care if I’m being immature anyways. I shouldn’t have to try so hard with someone I’m not even dating. I just don’t really care enough to want to give him another chance.

I wish I could say I wasn’t sad. I am. I kind of cried about it for a long time. But it’s only because I know that I let me crazy show lol. I’m sad that it feels like I’m getting worse and it sort of feels like I will always be alone. I know that I am actually the one overreacting and I really am being confusing. But can we pretend like I’m not wrong for once? Can we pretend that my reaction is completely reasonable and valid?

Ghosting reflexes have been put into place.
Oh well.

 

my feelings this week

My feelings this week.

I have made a new friends and she’s really great. One of my better friends.
She is also bipolar and we talk all the time and talk to each other about our trash ass decisions, and help each other and validate each others’ trash ass decisions. It’s great.

I am staying the night at her house this weekend. I am stoked because I just need to get distracted. I don’t want to be home and I don’t want to fuck around with men just for the sake of not being home.

I am glad I have her as a friend. She has been there for me when no one else was

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Onto the topic of boys (ew, boys). I have still been fucking around with the white boy. The way I see it, is that I currently don’t really care about him or whats going on between us. I like him a lot and care about him. But thinking long run, it would never work out. I wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t like talking every day and knowing how fucking clingy I am, that’s definitely not going to work out. Also, theres been instances where we get into a weird argument and he always wants to be right. That annoys me. It annoys me when someone doesn’t take other points of view into consideration. And that is what he does.

I have been going on dates with another guy. We can call him weird dude because quite frankly, he is a weird dude. He is really sweet, so incredibly nice, and he pays for my things every time we go out. I don’t expect him to because I’m a ~*feminist*~ but it sure feels nice.
However, I don’t think that I share the same feelings that he does. I kissed him a few weeks back and it was weird. That same night, he asked me if that meant that we were mutually exclusive. It freaked me out because that happened so quickly. I told him that I needed more time to hang out with him because I don’t know much about him.

and fair enough for that, right?

But I don’t think we would work out anyways. He is also not a consistent texted and even when he sees that I’m posting something sad on snapchat, he never asks me whats going on or even if I’m ok or even says that he hopes I’m ok. nope. none of that. and i don’t like that either. if you see that I’m having a hard time and you are wanting to be my significant other, then you better fucking care about me and fucking care about my wellbeing. isn’t that fair? to want your partner to care about how you’re doing? I think it is.

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Because of all of this, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts come up. A LOT. It’s been bad. I want to cut myself so badly. I want to take all the pills I have. I just got refills. I know I could do it. But I also know that I won’t. What am I afraid ok? I’m afraid that I’m thinking that heaven is some great thing where all loved ones are reunited. and i’m afraid that once I die, it won’t be like that at all. I will be nothing. absolutely nothing. and that is what I am afraid of.

This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I am so fucking stressed out. I am so tied of being such a disappointment to my parents. I am tired of them just being like “well, ok. you’re going to do whatever you want anyways.” instead of pushing me. They’re tired too. They’re tired of the broken promises and the hope they have to keep getting crushed. I am stupid. I keep feeling like such a fucking failure. I am only 21. But I should have gotten my shit together by now.

I am so fucking sad because I fucking miss my dead ex-girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I know that in this time, she would be telling me that she is so proud of me and that I am trying my best. I miss that she was the only person that was always rooting for me. She always wanted me to do well and she always knew that I would eventually reach my dreams and achieve my goals. It’s been hitting me so hard lately –the fact that she’s gone and will never come back. She was the only person that actually cared about me. She didn’t judge me. In a way, she loved me unconditionally. I miss her so so so fucking much. None of you have any idea. I am hurting so fucking bad.

 

This was a message I had sent to her after a long day at work. I had recently become store manager and just got piled on a bunch of duties and I had to train myself.She always congratulated me for the little things…like getting out of bed, doing my nails, showing, eating. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. There is no one in my life that just says “you got out of bed today! yay!! I am so proud of you baby girl”

no.
one.

and I miss having that sincere, beautiful love in my life. I miss her so much. I feel so fucking heartbroken. and no one cares.

not applying this year

I recently told my parents that I will not be applying to the dental hygiene program this year.
I had mentioned it to my mom a few days ago and my reasons were

1. I have a TERRIBLE gpa right now. it’s terrible from all the times I tried to take a heavy load of difficult college courses even though I was so incredibly unstable.
2. I am just starting to get better. I feel that if I try to take on too much at once, I will get bad again. I feel that I need to learn how to be “ok” for a little bit and then apply.
3. I will still be taking classes and will still be working. I am taking classes all the way through summer and due to this, all the extra credits and hopefully good grades will boost my gpa by a lot.
4. I do not really have anyone I can ask for a referral. I didn’t make strong connections with any professors at this college. The last college I went to was in early 2015 and I doubt that any of my professors then remember enough about me to be able to give an accurate referral.

So those were my reasons.

Last night, I had gotten an application to a particular college that sends the applications over mail. I was able to calculate my entire GPA through it, as I have three different GPA’s from three different colleges I attended. Basically, my gpa right now is 1.93 with all the colleges combined. The MINIMUM you need to be able to get into the DH program is 2.5. I thought that I would make it this term, since I have higher than a 2.00 at the college I’m at. But I forgot that you have to add in all of your transcripts. So I couldn’t even apply if I wanted to because I don’t have the gpa that I need.

I then had to tell both of my parents the news. They were not pleased. They were so incredibly disappointed and upset. I would try to tell them that my gpa didn’t start off well because I tried to do too much when I was clearly unstable.

“here we go again,” they said.

Yes, here we go again. I have absolutely no fucking support in this household. I am grateful that my parents provide for me in ways such as shelter, food, reliable car. But I don’t get any emotional support. Ever. And that weights heavily on me because I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can talk to. My mom often says that if I ever need anything or need someone to talk to, I can go to her. but how am I supposed to WANT to go to her when this is the shit that they pull?

“here we go again with excuses”

like. fuck. give me a fucking break.

 

umm guess who’s experiencing hypersexuality again

MMMMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!

This is probably the worst symptom of bipolar disorder for me I think. The reason being, is that the people I do this with, are people that are initially interested in having a relationship with me. Like, not just a casual relationship. But I will then get weird and say “hey…..I want you to fuck me” and then it escalates because

1. I’m a boss bitch who looks good
2. I’m a boss bitch who has a way with words

So basically, every person I initiate this with always ends up fucking me like there has never been a time when they were like “nah.”

This is bad because we’ll do our thing and whatever but then I’ll get sad and depressed once they aren’t interested in me romantically anymore. They see me as just someone to have sex with. And it’ll basically be like being in a relationship with me, because I don’t treat it as just sex. I will talk to them every day and I will make an effort to hang out with them often. If it was just casual, I would just contact them when I wanted to have sex. And so I get attached. But they don’t. And they prefer it the way I built it up to be, because they get all the perks of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship.

Anyways, I started going on dates with someone and they are really nice and they tell me I’m cute all the time. We’ve hung out three times and have gone on cool, interesting dates all those times and last time we saw each other, we kissed. I was starting to really like them.
It’s been almost a week since that date and I decided to fuck it up last night by telling them that I wanted them and that I wanted them to fuck me “l o l.”
So that’s where we are at now. And now this has once again, turned into something different. It sucks because they turn into this different person but I can’t even get upset. Yeah, I have feelings, but I’m the one that flipped this around and turned it into what it is.

I’m too flirtatious and horny for my own good. But anyways, this is an actual picture of myself that I just took:

I don’t know if this blog works anymore and I’m pretty upset.

i’ve had this blog for three years now and it has chronicled some of the worst and best parts of my life. I like keeping it so that I can go back and see how far I’ve come or to see how I’ve regressed.

It’s gone through my most meaningful relationship, and the ending of it. It has gone through the grief of losing my girlfriend to addiction. It has gone through the tumultuous feelings of rejection and repair when I was too depressed to keep going to my classes and knowing that I wouldn’t graduate on time. It has gone through me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the ups and downs with that.

I’ve “met” a lot of great people through here and I’m sad that this post probably doesn’t even show up for them.

 

My Brother

My brother is so cool and confident. I wish I was more like him. I think that he resembles my mom personality more, while I have more of my dad’s personality. But my dad’s personality is stereotypical Mexican dad personality. Mexican culture upholds machismo and as a result, Mexican men tend to be very closed off. And that’s what my dad is like. I don’t know why I’m more like him personality-wise, as I was born here and have never been super close with my dad. But I am.

My brother is in choir, tennis, swimming, and debate club. He has straight A’s. He goes after what he wants and I am so envious. I was never like that, and I was always so shy and embarrassed to do anything. He’s 15. We moved to a different part of the city last year and while he was super sad to have left all his friends behind, he made friends at the new school soooo quickly. Within a week, he literally had people hugging him goodbye after school and like idk. I was like that at one point, and had a large portion of the school be my friend. But that was before I entered 7th grade, and then I just completely shut myself off. That was when my depression started and I started getting really irritated at everything. As a result, I wasn’t as friendly as I once was. I am envious of how popular he is.

I just wish that I had grown up to be more like him. I feel like he’s normal. Sure, he gets depressed sometimes. But it isn’t to the point where he lets it restrict any aspect of his life. By the time I was his age, I had already attempted to commit suicide three times. I just wish that life hadn’t turned out the way it did for me, and it feels a little unfair. Then again, mental illness is always a bit unfair.

I was always a bit of a hypochondriac when I was younger. I was always looking for some sort of disease or illness, thinking that I could have it, wanting to be sick. In part because I wanted attention, I guess. But I don’t want to be sick anymore. Not the way I am. I just want to be well.

The Boy + The Past Couple Days

Things have been scary the past couple days. I had to delete my dating profile because I suddenly got several racist, threatening messages. Ever since the election. 
I had been talking to the boy I have been seeing about this and the fear I was experiencing. I told him that if Hillary had won, I felt that the people that were racist would revolt and would harm people on purpose. But I also feel like if trump won, that the racist people would harm people anyway because it seems ok and there seems to be no serious repercussions, given Trump’s history. 

And yes, I do think Trump is a misogynistic, homophobic, racist excuse for a human being. I don’t care if you disagree with me because you’re wrong lol.

I said that I was scared of the outcome regardless because there would be hateful mobs either way.
Anyways, he said that he disagreed and didn’t think this would happen. And I honestly felt like he was discrediting my experiences as a brown girl. I am mostly scared of facing threats because of the color of my skin. And I was not wrong to have fear because I’ve already gotten threats lol. But anyways. I got really upset and just said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, for my own sake. He said that he doesn’t mind arguing as long as it’s respectful.
Today, I linked him to a huge article giving so many instances in which hate crimes have been committed in the ONE day that trump has had his presidency announced. He took me literally I guess when I said “hate mob,” and kept arguing that there are no hate mobs. I think that’s fucking stupid and there is no reason to have taken my statement literally when you know damn well what I meant.

And BASICALLY he went off. He was like, “I don’t see anything about hate mobs and blahblah, you’re treating me as if I’m defending them and as if I voted for trump when I didn’t blahblah” and THEN he was like “spend more energy towards those that are actually doing bad things and stop bugging me. I’m going back to work.”

How is that arguing respectfully?
And I was like ??? Ok.. bitch. 

I was literally like “lol ok bye.”

He apologized and said he didn’t mean it that way. But he did. I know he did. I never responded.
I don’t feel that even if he apologized, that I will ever really be able to be friends with him again. Not REALLY. And maybe that seems like an exaggeration. But a big part of my bipolar is always thinking that people don’t like me. It is having so so much anxiety towards such social situations that I have literally been diagnosed with OCD in regards to social situations. 

To have someone literally tell me that I am annoying them… no. I really cannot handle that. I feel so hurt. I feel really, really hurt. I can’t talk to him anymore because I will ALWAYS keep what he said in the back of my mind. I will ALWAYS wonder, “I wonder if I’m bugging him right now?”
I’m so pissed and I’m so sad. Mostly, this is bringing on a lot of negative thinking. I feel really fucking stupid and now I keep thinking, “how many times had I bugged him in the past? Was this the breaking point?”

I am feeling really insecure and am really, really trying to not think harmful thoughts. 
I feel very unstable right now.

No support system

This time around for school, I have no support system.
Right now, I am a part time student and I also work 24 hours a week. It has been difficult. I am part time, but the classes I am taking are very hard. They require a lot of outside work, like tutoring, lots of memorization, etc. I don’t live close to the college –I live an hour away. So going to tutoring and getting help is very difficult and a type of chore in and of itself.

My parents haven’t been very helpful this time around. My mom helped me pay for some of my classes this term, but told me that she wouldn’t do it for next term. So I am having to save up my paycheck money. Which is also hard because no one gives me gas money or money for essentials, and that all has to come out of my paycheck. I get paid minimum wage. So basically, I never have any money.

Molly used to be my support system. She was pretty much the only constant force in my life. I don’t feel comfortable going to my friends. Or at least, I even feel like they don’t want to talk to me. I feel like a burden. It feels like all the people I used to go to, were just as sad as me. But they’re better now, and so they’re not sad, and they probably don’t want to relate to the sadness. So I stay away. I’m single, and basically only have flings. But you can’t spill out how you’re feeling to booty calls. That just isn’t how that works out.

I have been isolating a lot lately. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this on here yet, but I am experiencing psychosis. I haven’t experienced this ever before and it is really scary. I am really paranoid about everything and everybody. I am hallucinating and am hearing things that aren’t really there and aren’t really happening. I really don’t like it. I don’t know how to make it go away. I had gotten a med increase just a week ago, and this started a little over a week ago. My therapist says to give it a couple more weeks, to see if it is actually the medicine and to see if we will have to do something about it.

Anyway, I am pretty proud of myself this term though. I am having the hardest time and I am having so many different obstacles being thrown my way, but for the most part, I am (sort of) sane. I am trying my best. I am doing ok.

UPDATE 10/14/16

My life has been very hectic lately. Hectic and busy.

I remember seeing all those memes at the beginning of the year about how 2015 was the worst year ever, and how we all wanted 2016 to be better (it wasn’t). I think about it and how it’s a little funny.

My life was a complete mess last year. I had gotten into a car accident, and that really messed with me. Molly started abusing drugs heavily. When I first met her, she came right out and told me that she was currently in an outpatient program because of drugs she abused. The drugs were cough medicine. I thought it was ok and I didn’t mind, because she was looking to better herself, you know? But everything turned to complete shit. And we pretty much didn’t even see each other that year. The was constantly in rehab, because she was constantly relapsing.

I was so fucking depressed. I was in the worst place possible. I kept failing my classes, I quit my job because I didn’t have the energy to put effort into it an that isn’t fair to them. I just literally got to rock bottom in 2015. I was always so sad that Molly would relapse so much. I didn’t understand addiction. I still don’t. All the mixed emotions at the time made me feel like she wasn’t trying. I wasn’t seeing the “big picture.” I was looking at the small details. The details I chose to look at.
That, in combination with my own mental health issues, probably made me into satan in the form of Molly’s girlfriend. Towards the end, I was not a good girlfriend. I know this and I regret that so deeply. I was pushy, naggy, and I wasn’t fun anymore. But to me, it was better to be that way rather than sit around and just let her kill herself with all the drugs. I just wanted her to get better. I still feel like all her friends and family think I’m the fucking devil for how I was towards Molly. But they wouldn’t understand.

When Molly would get high, she would call me and speak weirdly. Or send weird texts. In one of the last “big” highs, she had abused inhalants and then also smoked a strong strain of weed. She was hallucinating in a bad way, and would text me that she knew I was trying to kill her. It was heartbreaking. It stressed me out. But none of her friends ever got texts like that. I know they didn’t. I know they would NEVER understand. They still wouldn’t.

So anyways, 2015 was the extreme hurt I was feeling with Molly always being gone and the frustration of her constantly relapsing. I didn’t give a shit about anyone but her. I didn’t even give a shit about myself.

I really hoped that 2016 would be better. It wasn’t. Molly died this year. In many ways, I blame myself for her death. Some of my friends tell me that there was nothing I could have done. But I feel so fucking guilty It’s hard enough being a trans person in this world. Being a trans person that abuses drugs? And I left her. I left her because it was no longer healthy for me to stay with her. But I feel like I should have stayed. I feel like, maybe, I could have done something. If I had only held on just a little longer.

In all honesty, I almost killed myself soon after Molly had died. My reasoning was that, you always hear that when you go to heaven, you don’t really exist as the person you were before. Not in the same sense. You don’t have any worries, no resentments, or anger. You are perfect in heaven. I consider my relationship with Molly to have been perfect before she really got into drugs. And so in my mind, I thought, I can still be with her. And everything will be great like it was before. We can be with each other again and everything will be good again.
I was so stupid.

This time two years ago, I was at OSU. I had extremely shitty roommates, and I had just been outed to my parents as queer. My parents hated that and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I was already feeling lonely as fuck. I was so depressed that I never left my dorm. I didn’t have friends because I didn’t have the energy to make friends. The only person I had was Molly. She helped me get through that. And she helped me in so many ways after that, too. My parents hated me and sent me hateful text messages on my birthday. As a “birthday gift.” It was literally the fucking shittiest time of my life. But Molly stuck through it all with me. She was such a good person.
I consider Molly to have been the love of my life. She really was. We were great together, before everything bad happened. We were into the same things. We were super compatible. We knew so much about each other. I loved her so incredibly much.

So I feel like I literally lost the love of my life. I know people don’t believe in soulmates. But we were just so perfect for each other. It is hard to believe that she couldn’t have been my soulmate. I was supposed to propose to her that year. But I couldn’t because she relapsed badly.
And now she is gone. I have minimal physical memories of her, because her family deleted her tumblr. I know that, that sounds silly.. to feel so hurt about that. But we posted pictures of ourselves, we talked about our days, funny things one of us said. Posts we wanted each other to see. I would have loved to keep that. Just to have those memories.
All I have are articles of clothing, letters she wrote to me, and the memories in my mind. I think about her every day so the I don’t ever forget anything about her. I want to keep her alive in my memories. I miss her so fucking much and I talk about her all the time on here but I just really don’t want to forget. Even if I cry all the time, I just want to keep thinking about her and try to keep those memories alive. I cry and sob about Molly every night. I am in hysterics over her every single night. I miss her so, so, so much. I don’t see her in dreams anymore. And I have ever felt like she was “with” me. But I just miss her so fucking much.

However, despite all this, 2016 has also been the year that I realized that I needed to get my shit together. This time in school, I am very on top of things. I never thought that I would be able to work and go to school at the same time, and still get good grades. But here I am, doing it. I’m really doing it. I’m finally on the best combination of meds I have ever been on. I have a semi-good support system. I have a job. It isn’t the best job and I get paid minimum wage. But that is ok. I go to school 3/4 time, I am taking very intense courses.
I’m doing a lot for myself, too. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself if I hadn’t gone through these things with Molly. I wouldn’t know what my boundaries are. I wouldn’t even know how to set them.

2016 has been the worst year of my entire life. But it has also been a good year, in terms of self-improvement.

I am here, I am alive, and I am mostly doing well. 

I’ve been breaking out around my eyes and cheeks because I’ve been crying every day lol.

I miss Molly so much and I’ve been having such a hard time lately.

I realized today that my most recent ex deleted me off of all social media. This was after they had said they wanted to be friends and sent me a “heartfelt” email. I feel that this is karma from when i cut Molly out of my life. I feel stupid.

I’ve talked about how I’ve been seeing someone casually and kind of liked them. I realized today that I am just really lonely. Well I knew that. But I keep seeing people so that I always have someone to talk to and hang out with. So I won’t feel lonely. So I’m not reminded that Molly isn’t here anymore.

But with the guy, I genuinely thought we were having a good time. It was like a relationship without ever being a real relationship. We went out on dates and then some. Idk. But it’s different now. He’s distant now. 

It makes me feel like garbage. It makes me feel dispensable. I read an incredibly brutal article about how it really is when someone uses you for sex. It was saying how the person will never have promised anything and never lied to you about anything. But instead, they are doing he bare minimum so that you stay attracted. They keep texting you sporadically so that you stay interested. This is exactly what has been happening. It’s brutally honest.

I guess it’s what I needed. I know I should cut him off. The sex is great and like actually amazing. But is it worth getting my feelings hurt over? I’m just too sensitive for fwb. I wish I could handle it.
Anyways things have been weird lately. I’m super busy and never have time for anything. I like someone that doesn’t even like me back. Im isolating. Im sad. Im depressed.

What else is new?