I am doing OK

I have been doing OK overall since my post about my emotions (re: suicide hotline).

I have not been coping about my accident and I am currently trying to find a therapist but I am thinking I’m going to have to commute to the next city over to try to find someone. Everyone in my city is not taking new patients.

However, I have been doing all right besides that.

But.. I am cycling right now. It was apparent at first and I didn’t even notice it until yesterday but the way I was able to realize it, is because I have been functioning on very small amounts of sleep. In fact, just the other night, I did not sleep at all and I did not feel tired at all. So I recognize that I am cycling because of that.

It is weird to me.. “cycling.” I’m not quite sure how to tell the difference if I’m in a good mood or if I’m only in a good mood because I’m cycling. Sometimes I feel very fucked up and broken because I don’t feel normal. Normal, to me, would to be to not have a mental illness. TO ME. That’s how I would consider myself to be normal.

When I was first getting my depression diagnosis, and I had not yet learned that I was bipolar, I knew that my depression —“this —was not some temporary thing. My mom and my therapists would often tell me, “this won’t be forever. Someday, you might even not need medication!” But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t right. I knew that I would always need to have a therapist and medical resources available to me. I knew that I would never really be what I consider to be “normal.”

Two weeks ago, I had called the suicide hotline. I had one of those “emergency appointments” they make for you at the nearest counseling center. The counselor that saw me said that nearly 40% or the world has some kind of mental disorder. I didn’t see it as something reassuring. I did not see that fact as something to make me feel less alone. I saw it as feeling abnormal. I heard that and thought, “geez, I wish I was one of the other 60%”

With the suicide hotline, they had not helped me at all. They did not calm me down at all. They took my information and told me to come into a counseling center when it was business hours. Then, when I saw the counselor, he told me that he thought I was fine and to come in next week for a follow up appointment.

I had gone to this center before and in fact, this is where my favorite therapist worked. But she’s gone now as she moved to Kansas. I see everyone else at that counseling center as incompetent. Don’t they recognize that people who are depressed present themselves in a manner that makes it seem like they’re “ok”?

I feel very angry about that still. I feel angry because who else have they done it to besides me? Not everyone has the ability to be able to cam themselves down. Especially not after feeling like they have been invalidated.

I feel OK right now. But I wish that there were better resources in the world for when I don’t feel OK.

I am not coping

I pass by the place where my car accident happened nearly every day. The school I go to is one hour away from I live so I travel two hours to and from school, total.

I remember where it happened. Milepost 57.

I got into an accident because of a deer.

I try to not think about it. I’m trying to get over this. But every time I pass by the location or even get on that same highway, I tense up and get anxious. I have to talk to myself and constantly remind myself, “you are ok, Monica.

You are here. You are ok. You are doing good.”

Coincidentally, today when I passed by milepost 57, there was a deer. 

I had a horrible panic attack right in that moment. I screamed and I cried and then I screamed some more. 

It turns out, I am not doing ok. I am not coping. I am not ok.

Perhaps this was meant to happen

It is weird to say that God knows what is going to happen before it happens, and that everything happens for a reason. It is especially weird when I say it in the context of my car accident.

It sort of does feel like it happened for a reason, though. I find it easier to dispel my anger and sadness and try to be grateful for the life I live. I feel like I take everything that I have less for granted. Sure, it’s only been a few days but I feel a sort of clarity in my heart. I feel some sort of feeling in my chest when I think, yes, I believe in God.

 (The car I had an accident in). 
I know that a higher power saved me. I grew up being raised catholic and explored Christianity one year when I went to Christian school. It only feels natural to say that the higher power I believe in is Jesus Christ. 
Perhaps, in a weird, messed up way, this is what was meant to happen. This is what was supposed to happen to me. 

I got into an accident pt 2

I feel very weird about my car accident. 

It feels very surreal. Almost like it didn’t happen because I know it shouldn’t have happened and I think, “how could this have happened to me?”

The car I had was a graduation present. I’ve had it for three years. It was very expensive.

I know that these are material things and that the good thing is that I’m alive but damn, that doesn’t take away the feeling of being a burden to my parents.

They were still paying off my car. Now we don’t know if we will even get how much we have left to owe back when we sell the car. 

I feel very disappointed in myself because I could have perhaps done something different. Actually, I know I could have. I could have hit the deer. Then my car wouldn’t be so fucked and even if it was, the insurance would cover it.

But I always find some way to fuck things up, even if not intentionally.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty and angry at myself because I remember on the drive back, I was mad at my parents for something stupid. I was mad at them because they didn’t want me to drive back late. I told them that I was a good driver and that nothing had ever happened to me before.

Well. I sure ate my words that night.

I remember thinking how controlling my parents are and I was sort of thinking of some way to reassure my independence.

Now, all I want is to be under my parents care and do everything they want me to do. I don’t want to make remarks anymore.

I want to spend time with my family before something happens again, if something happens again.

I feel scared. I have to drive to class on that same highway I crashed on, tomorrow. 

I keep thinking of the moment when my car lost control and I sob uncontrollably. 

I keep thinking to the few seconds when everything happened. I lost perception of time but I think that the whole accident happened in less than a minute. 

I feel very grateful to be alive. So much so that it really feels like a miracle to be alive. So much so, that I believe that God had something to do with it.

I consider myself agnostic, meaning, I believe that there might be a god out there but because I have no definite proof, I don’t like to say I believe in a god.

However, I don’t know now how I feel in terms of my spirituality. It feels like I SHOULD believe in God because it feels like something did save me.

My car was in the middle of both lanes when everything was done and I was inside, in shock. 

A car behind me stopped to help me. They told me what to do. They were very nice. They offered me food, drink and if I wanted to sit in their car with the heater on. But I didn’t want to because I was just in shock. 

Those same people in the car, along with someone else that stopped, helped me move my car to the side of the road. 

A semi stopped traffic and helped me and the other woman (in a different vehicle that DID end up hitting the deer) that was in trouble. 

I can’t help but think that those people were like guardian angels to me. Because I had no knowledge of what to do. I put my warning lights on after being able to comprehend what just happened, I texted my girlfriend, and I called my parents. And I stayed in the car and cried. But they helped me with what I needed to do. I would not have known otherwise. I even forgot to call 911 until they told me to.

I feel very lucky because what if I was next to a semi, they would have killed me because what if I rolled under their truck. Or what if there was a drunk driver. Or what if there was someone that tried to take advantage of me while I was in a vulnerable position.

I really feel very blessed to be alive and well.

I don’t know who to talk to about these feelings because I feel like no one will take me seriously. It will seem like a joke to them.

I got into a car accident

I  had a car accident last night.

It was near up up to one in the morning and I was driving back from my girlfriends house. It takes two hours to get to and from there. I was on the highway and everything was fine. I’m a good driver. I was safe and had no distractions.

I had my brights on, because it was very dark. I was in the right lane, not the passing lane. I saw a big deer standing right in the middle of the right lane. I tried to go into the passing lane, so as to not hit it.

Immediately, my car swerved out of control. I remember keeping my hands on the wheel, trying to control my car.

And then I went sideways. Hit the concrete wall on the left side. Then swerved again and my car flew on its side. I saw sparks from the asphalt ground hitting the aluminum shell of my car. I remember clearly thinking, “oh god, I’m going to die.” And right as my car ricocheted and whiplashed to hit the concrete wall on the right side, head on, I remember it being really slow, and I screamed, “no, please.”

And then just silence. 

I was blocking both lanes, where cars go 65 mph. Some guys got out to help me because I was in shock. 

My car was totaled. Everyone says I am lucky to be alive, with only burn marks and bruises from my seatbelt.

I am very sad. But feel very lucky. I mostly feel stupid. Everyone says don’t swerve to miss hitting an animal, but what if the animal is really big? 

I remember seeing the deer, since I had the brights on. She just looked at me.

The deer ended up getting hit because meanwhile I was having my car accident, some other girl hit the deer and also had to call the police and tow truck.

I was in shock the entire way to the hospital. I remember just blankly staring at everything.

Funny thing is, there were other people in the waiting room. I remember ignoring them but also thinking, “I wonder if they’re thinking bad thoughts of me.”

Even when I’m hurt and in shock, my OCD is always a constant reminder that I’m fucked up.

I don’t feel good about myself. I’m scared because I’ll have to drive on that same highway to get to class on Monday.

My screams and plea of not wanting to die keeping replaying in my mind.

   

 

I was told that what happened to me was a miracle because my car is entirely fucked up. 

suicide hotline

It is always a good feeling when you call the suicide hotline and they tell you to come in during business hours for help lol.

Did you see that? Did you see my sarcasm?

It’s funny how not even the people that are being paid to care about you, care about you. 

I am fucked up and I am broken and no one loves me or cares about me. Everyone is tired of me. I am tiresome. I am a burden. I am not good for anything. I try. I try. I tried. I can’t. I cannot. Everything hurts. My heart hurts. My body hurts. I am hurt. I am broken. 

It is 12:30 in the morning. I feel very broken. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. Tearing itself apart. 

Existing is hard sometimes

 

Existing is hard sometimes. This is what my text messages have been consisting of lately. Apologies and confusion.

ive been wrung out

Sometimes, I feel like in relationships with me, the love and surprises I have for one person are on a limited supply. Not that the love I have for them ever runs out but that they are constantly wringing me and wringing me out for my love, that they just get used to it. So it doesn’t feel “special” anymore. And I’ll just be thrown away, like an old, dirty towel that has been wrung out beyond it’s life span.

I don’t know if I actually feel this way or if I’m just feeling this way right now, but with my relationship between my partner and me, I feel like I’m out of surprises. There is nothing left in me and my partner has grown accustomed to me. There’s no life in wanting to talk to me anymore. There’s no life in wanting to spend time with me. Because they know what’s going to happen. There’s nothing different. Spending time with me is just something to do when they’re bored, not something they’re looking forward to.

I’m feeling very sad and lifeless. I feel like there is nothing more to me. I feel empty. I feel wrung out of all that was left in me.