So, my therapy session was cancelled this morning. I wasn’t given an explanation and I wasn’t rescheduled, I was just told that it had to be cancelled and that was that. I’m a little disappointed because I had college related worries to talk about but I’ll save them for next time I guess. I don’t really mind that my session was cancelled because I think that my mental health is OK right now but it still would have been nice to go.
I finally sent my last two applications for university today as well. It was a little frustrating because my internet kept going out and I had to start over but I got through it. I’m really hoping I get into OSU. It would be a dream. I’m also really hoping that I don’t see anyone I know at the university I decide to go to. Seeing people I know makes me so anxious because living in a small town, everyone knows each other and everyone seems to be so damn judgmental. I am hoping to start new and fresh and make better friends once I move away. I really don’t want any trace of my “old life” to come back with me. I’m just so tired of this place.
Today was an ok day. I skipped my Spanish class again. I guess we had a project due and I forgot to do it. I will not be skipping any more classes and I think I will put in my resignation request for city council so that I don’t leave halfway through Spanish class again. Spanish class is the class I hate the most. It is a combination of doing things that are too easy for me, making them a nuisance. My instructor is actually really nice but I feel spiteful towards her because she cares too much. I can see how irritated and disappointed she is when I don’t turn something in and that creates an angry feeling inside of me. Regardless, I’m going to stop skipping so many classes. It isn’t good for me. I won’t be able to skip classes once I leave for university.
I had art today also and my printmaking instructor told me that she can see a great potential inside of me. She says she can see how artistic and thoughtful I am. I appreciate the thought but I wish she wouldn’t tell me. At first, it feels good to know that someone thinks of you like that but then you get an unsettling feeling because what happens if you fail to meet their expectations? What happens when you aren’t the person they thought you were? That’s the bad part. I’ve disappointed some instructors before and it is a horrible feeling. They are left feeling irritated and annoyed with you because they know you can do it. You just don’t. I think a large part of me not accomplishing things is because of my mental illness. I’m trying to get better, though.
Overall, it wasn’t a bad day. I did sleep a lot, though.
I think that for the first time, I truly know what love is and what it means. I don’t mean the kind of love that you get from your parents or from your grandparents –I mean the kind of love that you find in a potential partner.
In my past relationships, I was so young and I was so naive. I think that I thought I was in love but I tend to confuse love with infatuation. All of my past relationships have been very unhealthy. Even with flings, they weren’t really flings because I had grown to be infatuated with the specific person. Was it wrong? It didn’t feel like it at the time. But oh god, did it hurt. I cried so often.
In the relationship I am in now, I am not clingy, I do not act “strange.” I also think that a lot has to do with the fact that I’m older now and I can better distinguish what is good for me and what isn’t. I don’t feel like I need to say “I love you” all the time to portray my emotions. It is a good feeling when you just know that you really like someone.
I am very happy at this point in my life.
Today was an ok day. I spent most of the day sleeping. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. I keep thinking that I have fibromyalgia but that’s probably just my brain trying to trick me.
I told myself that I would do a lot of the homework I have been missing today but I ended up not doing anything. I’ve been missing class a lot lately. It’s not that I don’t like the classes I am in..I’m just really tired all the time. I either don’t get enough sleep or it’s my pills making me feel drowsy. I also tend to avoid people a lot this time of the year. I just get really irritated with any little thing anyone says.
Anyway. I also hung out with J today. We love each other more than we ever have. It was a good day with him today. We have both been really busy with other things so we don’t see each other as much as we would like to. Its ok, though. It’s not something to cause worry. His momma got a forced abortion today. I feel very bad. He seems to be handling it well but you never know. I’m trying to be there for him as much as possible. I don’t know how this will affect him.
So that was my day and this is my new blog. I want to write in it every day. I think this is the one I will share with my therapist since my other blog is pretty nsfw and I don’t want her looking into that part of my life.
This will be good for me. I can feel it.