Jamie arrived at rehab eight days ago. I went to Mexico nine days ago and arrived home two days ago.
My cycling is so bad right now. It feels like I could accomplish so many things. My thoughts are racing a mile a minute.
It’s like, damn girl why are you trying to sleep when you could be taking on the world??!
My parents might be getting divorced.My dad has anger issues.
He refuses to go to marriage counseling,
In a way, I guess I understand because in Mexico, mental health is something that is disregarded.
I just wish he wouldn’t see it as something unnecessary. Because he is breaking our family apart.
In many ways, my parents are getting divorced because of the fights that they have that have to do with me. Whether it is my mental health, my schooling, my relationships, how I present myself, etc.
My mom is always the one defending me.
Three weeks ago, my dad got angry at me because I refused to break up with my girlfriend. He was tolerant before but my girlfriend came out as a trans woman, my dad saw the Facebook post, and demanded that I break up with her.
I said no.
He didn’t talk to me for weeks.
Just last week, he gradually began talking to me again and supporting me financially. We were still not really on good terms but we were on “decent” terms, I guess. We didn’t talk much but I would show him something cool and he’d laugh. Or he’d give me money for gas. We would travel in the same vehicle. Things like that.
Two days ago, he got unreasonably angry with all of my family. It started off because my family goes on vacation each year. We are supposed to go on vacation in two weeks but haven’t decided where. We usually go to Mexico every other year and so we were due. But we don’t have the funds for it so we decided to go other places.
My mom was talking to him about vacations and how next year, we should try to go to Mexico. My dad got defensive and said no. Then, when he finally agreed, my mom said that we would have to go when it is her break from school. My dad said back, “well I’ll just go by myself then.”
That isn’t the way we do things in our family. We always do things together. So of course my mom got angry. And then my dad got angry because he took it as my mom trying to control him. But he was being unfair.
We were on our way shopping so then, he went to a store while we all stayed in the car. He accidentally broke my moms glasses by putting his arm on them.
He said, “WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE THEM THERE? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”
I said, “dad, the right thing to do is to say sorry. These things can be fixed but you need to say sorry.”
He didn’t respond.
He was bitter the entire time else when we were all shopping. He would walk either faster or slower than the rest of us so he wouldn’t be associated with us.
Finally, towards the end of our trip shopping, we went to the grocery store. My mom bought us all ICEE’s because it was a hot day. My mom had been trying to be nice to my dad all day just so our shopping trip wouldn’t be ruined.
So she got an ICEE for my dad too.
I was walking to the car, four ICEE’s in my arms. My dad was sulking in the drivers seat. I managed to open the passenger seat and I said, here dad we got you one.
He said, I don’t want it.
I asked, ok but can you at least grab it, they’re falling out of my arms
He responded with I SAID I DONT WANT IT, WHAT PART OF THAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND.
So I reached over, and put the two ICEE’s in each drink container. And he said WHAT DID I JUST SAY.
I responded with, “who said it was for you!!”
We then all got into the car, and just before he started up the car against he suddenly turned back to me, pointed his finger at me and yelled, “if you ever respond to me like that I will hit you.”
I cried and bawled and said through sobs “I only wanted you to hold it [the icee].”
My brother and mom started telling him that was not ok.
My mom said, “if you even lay a finger on her, you’ll see what happens.”
My dad responded, “oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?”
She responded with, “I will call the police.”
Silence the ride back home.
When my dad told me three weeks ago that I meant nothing to him, I guess he was right, and those words are still ringing in my ears.
But I can’t help but wonder, why is he being like this? Everything was fine before I left for college last September. It just seems so sudden. I mean, my parents and I got in fights but it never lasted weeks like it has been recently. They were usually over within a week.
It saddens me. Because I know my parents are going to get divorced. But since my dad and I aren’t on good terms, when would I ever visit him?
So many questions racing through my mind. So many feelings that my heart can’t stand.
I grew up thinking, “love conquers all.”
I have been taking medication for two weeks now and I am starting to feel the effects of it.