Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Failed Relationship

tumblr_ny88k0seEZ1qgax9eo1_1280

 

Lets see, lets see, what could I say about my most recent failed relationship. There’s just so much to say. It’s hard to even find the words.

First off, I know I play the victim a lot but I really feel like I’m the only one that’s hurting. I’m not sure if that’s because they really don’t care that we broke up or because they’re busy getting high. Probably both. Even so, I don’t think I’m hurting as bad as I thought that I would. Sure, I get really sad sometimes. But that’s normal. I feel ok for the most part. Maybe that’s how it is for them too. I think we were both just tired of dealing with each other’s shit.

I’m a little (a lot) disappointed that this last relationship didn’t work out. I really thought and was hoping that it would. In the beginning, it all felt really dreamy and surreal, which you could contribute to the infatuation that we were both experiencing.

FullSizeRender-2

We spent a lot of time together, and it felt like we missed each other a lot, even we had only been apart for an hour. It felt like we were two pieces of the same puzzle. We both liked the same movies, music, food, etc. We connected in random ways, that you wouldn’t have imagined connecting about. We had a lot of good experiences, and first-time experiences together. It felt like they were my best friend. They understood me really well. They understood when I would react to something badly and would quickly apologize after. They didn’t chastise me for that. I liked that. I liked that it felt like even if I I was the craziest person in the world, they could see the good in me.

FullSizeRender-1.jpg

But even though everything felt so dreamy, I think that things really took a turn for the worst when my ex-partner started relapsing and then left for rehab for 7 months. It was 7 months of not seeing each other and barely being able to talk to each other. It was 7 months of hearing dates of when they would come home, and then having those dates being pushed back, over and over again, because of them constantly relapsing. I think we care for each other a lot. We were together for 1 year and 5 months. Apart for 7. Life moves on, even if you’re not in each other’s life. I think that’s when we started falling out of love. I think that there is a clear, definitive point in time where you could really look and see, well, they’re not as in love as they used to be.

It is hard to think that at some point, everything was good. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think if they hadn’t started abusing drugs the way they are now, we could possibly still be together. There wouldn’t have been as much lying, deceitfulness, or disappointment. That’s what I tell myself, at least.

Today, we are no longer together. We are not even friends. I go back and forth between deleting them and their friends from all of my social media accounts. But I then find myself feeling frantic, wanting to know what they’re doing, and if they’re doing better without me. I find myself wanting to change my number, and feeling the imaginative joy I could feel when they receive an automatic reply that my phone number is no longer in service. I feel very spiteful, but I also feel very hurt.

I feel very apathetic and indifferent towards the relationship we were having. The past few months are indifferent to me. They weren’t good. Most of the time, they were bad.

But the memories, oh the memories. I am in love with the memories, and the memories and feelings of what could have been. It feels disheartening to think that I thought I had a soulmate. We were so alike and it just really feels like a punch to the chest.

  
Presently, our relationship was stagnant. Nothing was happening and in fact, it felt like the love we had towards each other diminished by the second. They didn’t care about themselves a lot, and I couldn’t handle it. I tried really hard to have things get better. But nothing happened. They just didn’t care. Or they did care, but didn’t do a good job at all of showing it. The last time we hung out was three days ago, on Valentine’s Day. I had been contemplating leaving them. We weren’t together. But we certainly acted like it. I think the thing that was the final straw for me was that, that same day, they groaned when I wanted them to walk me out to their door. How much is that, a couple feet? I left angrily, but forgave them soon after. The next day, they walked at least a mile to the store to buy inhalants to get high with. I always heard that the addict will always love the drug more than they love any of their partners or family members. I tried so hard not to believe it. In that moment, it became very clear that yes, at this point, I am not the thing that they love most.

I am still mourning our failed relationship. We were together for quite a long time, but apart for nearly as long. I find myself feeling stupid sometimes for how hard I tried to save our relationship. Or how badly I wanted them to save themselves.

 

This has been something that will be really hard to get over. It will take me a long time before I could even think about being with someone else. Even now, here I am, pouring my heart out. I know they will read this, and perhaps they’ll feel just as indifferent as I do. But still heartbroken over what could have been. We could have been so much more.

 

tumblr_o0z6wuJVcI1qcoajxo1_1280

Medication

I have been taking medication for two weeks now and I am starting to feel the effects of it.

I was on a lot of medication in the past, and I stopped taking everything in November of 2014. I was continually forgetting to take it and so I decided to just cut, cold-turkey. I felt really good for maybe three months but then started feeling really, really bad again. Thinking back, I was probably cycling. Do cycles even last that long?
Anyway. I have been on fluoxetine (prozac) and lamictal (lamotrigine) for two weeks now. Prozac is for depression and lamotrigine is used as a mood stabilizer. I feel the effects because I am feeling a little better. I don’t feel as erratic and am able to stay calm in stressful situations (though I exhibit the normal levels of anxiety).
One of my old psychiatrists once told me that things could get better for me. She said, “who knows, maybe someday you won’t have to take any medication!”
But I don’t think that will ever be the case for me. I think that I will always have to take something just to stay sane. Therapy is not enough. Exercise is not enough. Vitamins are not enough.
However, with “feeling better,” this does not mean feeling content or happy for me. It means that I don’t feel the depression and sadness as much. I feel apathetic or numbed out. Which is what I hated last time but I guess I don’t mind it this time.
My mom says that there is no magic pill. That no pill will fix me. But what else can I turn to when I already do everything recommended by doctors?

I’m sad and feel like a failure

I’m currently sitting in the parking lot by the marina because my parents think I’m at class. They don’t know that I withdrew. I haven’t told them yet.

So I’m sitting here for another three hours, fucking around cause I’ve got nothing else to do.
I’m withdrawing from the college and applying again in the fall, so I can redo the classes I didn’t do well on this term. The program I’m applying to doesn’t like class repeats so by withdrawing, the classes I’m not doing well on show as W’s on my transcript. I wasn’t even going to get a C in the class and I need a solid A. It’s apparent that this is what was needed to be done. I just wish the car accident hadn’t fucked me up so much.

My girlfriends addiction is rampant. She keeps saying she will try harder and be better but it’s just not happening. I know it’s her addiction and it isn’t her. But it’s hard to not be frustrated when someone you love is harming themselves in a very significant manner. Compressed air is so dangerous. 

I’m honestly scared she’s going to die one of these days.
I love my girlfriend so much but this is really taking a toll on me. I am constantly worrying about her. She is constantly lying to me. 

It feels like our relationship is diminishing and losing the strength it once had. 

I’m trying to be supportive.

I’m trying, trying, trying.

I read up on articles and do my own research. I’ve even gone to support groups for those who have a loved one going through addiction.
There’s only so much I can do to help her. I constantly remind myself that I cannot fix Jamie, that Jamie has to do it for themselves. I just feel so helpless.
In this moment, it is hard to feel hopeful when Jamie keeps abusing substances and keeps relapsing. It is coping with losing your girlfriend and coping with the possibility of not even having a future with the anymore. It is coping with the fact that you might not be able to live together. It is coping with not being able to get married. It is coping with not being able to have a family.

I’m losing my girlfriend and my heart aches so badly. 

In lieu of everything, I’m so incredibly depressed. I constantly feel like there’s nothing I can do with/for myself. It’s hard to convince yourself otherwise when so much in your life is complete shit. 

Withdrawing from college

I really have not been doing well, especially this past month.I was doing so good in chemistry but my car accident happened and my grades have been dropping so much.

I already dropped my biology class this term and I’m only in chemistry now. I’m afraid I’m going to have to withdraw from the college.

Besides maybe withdrawing, I was already planning on not coming back for at least two terms. I’m just not in a good place right now and I need to focus on myself. 

I have been taking college courses full time ever since I was 16 (up to 20 credits) and I just feel so burnt out.

I feel so worn down. 

I just feel like I really cannot do this right now. And it pains me because I’m always so serious and on top of things in regards to school. School is my #1 priority. And it hurts me because I won’t be able to apply for the dental program this year like I had planned.

But I’m going to have to do this.

I just can’t keep taking classes if I know I won’t be able to keep up in them and get good grades. I am wasting my money taking classes and dropping them.

I feel like right now, this is the best thing to do.

support system

I feel like I really don’t have a good support system and I don’t even know where to begin to find one.
This week has been really horrible for me. My dad basically hates me and refuses to even acknowledge me. My girlfriend went to the hospital for inhalant abuse (she’s home now and is doing much better btw). I was really sad about my girlfriend being in the hospital and was very depressed the next day –my mom took it personally and responds in a gas lighting manner and doesn’t talk to me either.

The intrusive thoughts screaming “no one loves you!! No one loves you!! No one fucking cares about you!!” Don’t seem like intrusive thoughts anymore, they feel like reality.
I feel like I’m in those cartoons where one of the characters is running on a bridge and the bridge is quickly deteriorating behind them. Or when they’re trying to climb a rope quickly but they then start grasping at air because they’ve run out of rope.

  

I feel like I am exhausting my support options. I have gone to the doctor twice expressing that I really am not feeling good and that the medicine isn’t helping. They can’t help me because they don’t specialize in that. I tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist. The earliest I could get was in August. All the other psychiatrists in the area are not accepting new patients. 
I wish, mostly, that when my parents say that they care and that they want a family therapy meeting, that they actually meant it. I wish that when they say they understand, that they actually did understand. I wish that when they say that they’re there for me, that they actually were there for me.

My girlfriend is in the hospital

My girlfriend abused inhalants (compressed air) and it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

They are currently in the hospital. The nurses and doctors suspect that she is still coming off of the drugs because she is responding very slowly. 

I’m scared that brain damage was done.
She is one of the best people in my life and it breaks my heart and tears me apart to see her go through this. So many questions go through my mind: what could I have done to help? What could I have done differently? Why did she do this? Why didn’t she reach out for help? Why didn’t she just confide in me?
I feel so heartbroken.

We are in Oregon and her parents are in New York. I have been in contact with them and her mom is thinking of flying out here and taking her back to New York if they can’t function by themselves.

I feel so fucking depressed. We were supposed to move in together soon. We were supposed to get married someday. We were supposed to have a corgi and kids together someday.
I’m being ripped apart bit by bit. 

When You Don’t Matter

It has been a couple of weeks since my parents found out, through seeing a post on Facebook, that Jamie is transitioning.

My mom talked to me about it immediately. My dad talked to me about it just now.
Both of my parents are very homophobic and in the past, when they even found out that Jamie was queer (they just knew about her, not me), they stopped talked to me for maybe two weeks, the first day being my birthday.
That was with just finding out that the person I am dating is queer. They didn’t even know about me.
I had told my mom that I had planned to hang out with Jamie tomorrow. My dad butted in. This is how the conversation with.
Him: Now that you brought that up, we are going to discuss this straight-forward. What is Jamie to you?
Me: Well we are dating, you know that
Him: No I mean what is Jamie. Is he a man or a woman or what?
Me: Jamie is a girl
Him: and what are you?
Me: a girl
Him: So what are you doing with her. That is wrong
Me: because I like them
Him: Yeah but that’s wrong and you’re not going to date them
Me: Ok, well, that isn’t your decision to make so I’m going to keep dating them
Him: so you’re just going to do whatever you want then? Fine, but don’t expect to count as anything towards me
So there it is.
I don’t count as anything towards my dad. And I know he means it because he has been sitting on this for weeks now.
So that’s that and I can’t stop crying and I have such a horrible feeling inside of me.

Update:

I found a good therapist. She’s very nice. After I told her some of the feelings I have been having just in general and also related to my accident, she said, “you sound really depressed.”

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.
I am working with two other doctors besides her that she referred me to because I’m all sorts of fucked up.
I also got a job. My first real job. But I’m also quitting within the week. It is really, really hard work and though I know I can get used to it, I cannot get used to the people. Having to work really hard, at a quick pace is very difficult in combination with shitty coworkers.
I work in the deli department in a chain grocery store. We serve cold salads, lunch meats, and hot prepared foods. I like interacting with customers so often on a daily basis, and I don’t mind much that it is hard work. But I cannot stand my coworkers. I know that in every job environment, you find people that you don’t like. But It is getting to be too much for me. I almost had a panic attack the other day. Everyone at my job, with the exception of a few people, is just looking and waiting to see who does something wrong. So they can report it and ridicule you.
No thanks.
But, with quitting my job, it also brings on a lot of feelings. I am feeling very worthless because I’m not doing well in my anatomy class, and I can’t even keep a job. A job that doesn’t even require education. I feel so incredibly stupid. Like I can’t do anything right.
I’m feeling very sad and depressed lately. It comes and goes in spurts.