Monthly Archives: March 2017

On Giving Up

Recently, I had been heavily considering taking a break from school, just for a term. This post was prompted by me just having talked to the guy I’m seeing about this looool.

However, now that I’ve talked about it in it’s entirety with someone, I don’t think I should take a break. I did really badly this term, and I am certain that my GPA is going to go down. It’s a little funny (but not funny) in the sense that I took on double as many credits this term so that I could boost my GPA. I guess it sucks knowing that I overdid it and there was no point and kind of just wasted my money. Failing classes feels different when you don’t have financial aid and it all came out of your own pocket. I mean, I know it all eventually comes out of your own pocket, but not in the moment. Does that make sense? Just doesn’t feel good. I can compare it to the feeling of when you’re manic and spend a shit-ton of money in a short amount of time and are left with the, “well, fuck.. what now” type of feeling.

My teachers have been extremely lenient with me because they say that they can tell that I’m trying and that they know I am capable of getting good grades. It also sucks hearing that because for me, going through the constant cycles of bipolar throughout my years in academia, I have heard those statements a lot. Throughout the years, I have posted about the times where I have heard those same phrases from professors. They all always have optimistic views for me. I, too, know that I am capable of it all. But shit happens and I have a terrible tendency to want to give up.

So, because I did so poorly this term and because I took on so much, I got really depressed. I have been depressed these last terms just because of my grief with Molly, but this term I felt more burnt-out than anything. It was so fucking hard trying to keep up with four classes while also working at the same time. It was too hard and I couldn’t do it.

Though, I feel that I shouldn’t take a break anymore. The guy I’m seeing and talked about it with was really nice. I haven’t really been “emotional” with him and haven’t really shown the emotions I’m showing right now. He doesn’t even know I’m mentally ill (which is another story in and of itself). He was really nice and supportive. But after talking about it and explaining my thought process, I was left with the thought of, “what the fuck are you thinking, Monica?”

I feel that I’m only wanting to take a break because I feel tired and burnt-out. I certainly am. But this is only the beginning, as I haven’t even applied to the program. I also feel that a large part of my failure this term was trying to do too much at the same time. I think that if I take on less, maybe it won’t be so bad. I did the same last term and didn’t do so bad last term.

I spoke about this briefly with my therapist, and how I felt terrible because I used to be able to take up to 20 credits with no issue. She pointed out that there is a big difference between how I was then, and how I am now, and how so much of what I’ve gone through in that time has shaped how I am now. She said that it isn’t fair to compare myself to how I was then because I didn’t have to worry about so much that I have to worry about now, and in addition, I didn’t have the grief I am having now. I also wasn’t working then. She has a point.
I also feel like I can’t just give up. It is so easy to give up. I need to break out of those habits. 

All in all, this was a huge lesson learned and I think that I will push through and not take a break. So, that’s that! That’s all I wanted to talk about so I could get it off my chest.

everything!

I’ve been having reaaaally bad body issues lately. It’s been super prominent especially when I go out with the guy I’ve been seeing. To be honest, I really like him. I don’t want to admit that because I don’t know how he feels and I don’t want to be stupid.. We’ve been hooking up but I guess that isn’t all I want. We’ve been hanging out and talking every day.. basically what anyone in a romantic relationship would do.But because we’re doing it and we aren’t exclusive, it feels like this will go nowhere. Why would you become exclusive with someone if you’re already enjoying the benefits of being exclusive, right? Being in a relationship without a label. I don’t really know what to do differently, besides just go with it. Ugh.

But anyways. This boy is really thin. Really, really thin. I met him off of okcupid and one of the questions that he had answered was that be wouldn’t date someone that was overweight. I’m overweight so I brought it up after we started talking.
“yeah, but you’re not overweight,” he said.
We left it at that.

It is something that is on my mind a lot because I am definitely overweight. I’m a chubby girl. The funny thing is, is that I was fatter when I first started talking to him. I was 50 lbs heavier.
So when we go out to eat, I’m very aware of how my rolls look, or of how my double chin could look. I’m self conscious of how I walk, or how I sit. I feel bad when we’re together in bed, and I don’t have clothes on and he tries to cuddle with me and I don’t want to because I don’t want him to feel just how fat I am. I feel bad when I refuse to have sex with the lights on, because I don’t want all the dimples and stretch marks to be noticed.

I saw a meme a while back (lol) in which it said, “so we about to smash… and she starts hiding her stomach and shit. Bitch I knew you was fat before you took yo clothes off.”
Funny enough, that’s also something I think about. It’s not that it’s not blatantly obvious that I’m not thin. I don’t wear spanx or clothes that are “deceiving” in any matter. It’s not that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t get turned on by me or anything, because he does. It’s just something with me, I guess. Not good feelings.

Maybe I’m just being like this because I like him. idk. but it doesn’t feel good.

 

I’ve also been doing fucking terrible in school this term. I feel terrible because i was doing so well last term, I think. Or at least, better than this term. Much better. I took on double the amount of credit this term so that was a huge mistake. But I also just don’t feel as motivated. There are three weeks left of this term. I have two B’s and two F’s I’m pretty sure. I got an extension on many assignments for one class that I’m doing badly in, but I just don’t have enough motivation to do anything. I feel really depressed and because my grade is so bad, I  feel hopeless and feel more of the, “what’s the point?” type of feeling.

I feel like I will never accomplish my goals and that is a bad feeling. I don’t want to blame everything on my bipolar, but I feel like it plays a huge part in this. I thought I had it under control, but I really don’t and it really fucked with me this time around. I’ve read before that a lot of the reason that bipolar people commit suicide is because they get overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and the thought that they will ever accomplish anything, or reach the goals that they want to reach. I don’t feel suicidal, but I can see how that happens because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I have felt *seriously* suicidal in a long time, but I guess sometimes it’s just something you think about, and you know that it’s the “easy” route I guess. But that doesn’t stop you from thinking about it. The thought is there and it’s a thought that says, “this could be over and done with so easily and so quickly.”

It is a selfish thought. But humans are selfish, and so I don’t feel all that bad for having those thoughts.