never enough pt. II 

For my parents, it’s never, “how are you doing? How is your depression? Are you doing ok? Have you been having suicidal thoughts? Are you going out? Are you isolating? How are you eating? How have you been doing with the loss of Molly?”

They know I struggle with all of those. Those are all a deeply ingrained part of my depression.

Instead, it is “how was school? How are your grades? How was your last test? Are you trying? Why is this a B and not an A?”

My parents support me in many ways. They provide food and shelter, they pay for my bills. But they both do not provide me with any emotional support. It feels like they don’t care. That isn’t something important.

To them, if I’m faltering in school it is never because I’m depressed. That’s not a good enough reason for them. To them, if I’m faltering means that I’m being lazy, not trying, and that I don’t care.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. My grades have improved so much. I have literally been either failing or barely passing my classes for the past two years. I’ve been in such a deep depression these past two years that even sometimes, it feels like it is too much and it feels like suicide is a rational answer. Still, I push through and try my best to communicate my needs to the people around me. 

I do tell my parents how I’m doing. I do tell them how I’m feeling or if I’m having suicidal thoughts. In the moment, they care. They tell me I can talk to them about anything and that they’re there for me. But it feels like in reality, it goes in through one ear and out the other. They don’t actually show me that they care. 

I just showed my mom my grades because she is paying for my classes. I have a high B in biology and a C in anatomy. But, if you see for anatomy, my first test happened the week of Molly’s death. My test scores have been going up.

But she doesn’t see that. She doesn’t care. And so she isn’t paying for my classes. My last payment installment is nearly $400 and I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel really sad and I feel like such a failure.

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