Tag Archives: rehab

Bitterness and Forgiveness

I am often a bitter person. Being wronged by someone upsets me. It upsets me because many times, I feel like I really put my all into someone or something. To not be recognized for that or to be sort of backstabbed is hurtful. It makes me feel bitter and petty.

The last time Molly and I officially talked to each other, we got upset. I told her that I was tired of being jerked around and treated like I didn’t matter. She said she felt the same way and that she was tired of being manipulated.

That upset me a lot because I felt like I put in SO MUCH towards her. I tried so much and, essentially, deteriorated and wore myself away because of trying to take care of her. Because I was codependent. I didn’t think I was manipulative, I thought she was. It was annoying to hear that I was the one being manipulative.

I told her goodbye. We left it at that. We were already kind of sick of each other I think. Not on a big picture basis, but we just kept getting on each others nerves. I was constantly upset because I felt like she wasn’t trying to get help for her addiction. I felt that she wasn’t trying. She would be upset with me because I nagged her about doing a lot of things; i.e. going to therapy, calling for appointments, etc. I thought that I was being helpful. I should have just let her figure it out for herself. My mindset was that I didn’t want her to fuck everything up more than she already had.

Anyway, she went off to rehab again and we didn’t talk for more than two months. I was still very hurt, but I secretly wanted to know how she was doing. I would check her social media every day to see how she was. To see if she missed me.

I didn’t actually know when she was getting out of rehab, until I decided to check out her twitter one day and she had posted about it. It felt like my heart sank to my stomach. I was scared. I was scared because honestly, the relationship between us was tearing me apart and I would get so bad in terms of mental illness whenever she got back. I was scared I would give in, talk to her again, and fall into the codependent cycle again. But, god, I knew that deep in my heart, I missed her so much.

I had decided to cut her off. I did it because I knew I needed to. But I also did it because I was still angry, petty, and bitter.

She sent me a message on snapchat maybe a week after she got out. I had forgotten to block her on that and so that’s how she got through I guess. The message said, “I’m sorry for how I talked to you last time. I was out of line.”

But it wasn’t enough for me. I was SO angry. The anger just stemmed from me really putting myself out there and then feeling like I got slapped in the face for it. I never replied.

I was so angry that I never wanted to even talk about her. I got upset if someone tried to talk to me about her or asked me how she was doing.

She died two weeks later. I still feel so bad and I am filled with so much regret that I had built up so much bitterness and anger towards her. I really did want to be friends with her again.

I’m sad that I was so angry about what she had done that I never wanted to talk about her. All I want to do now is talk about her. Constantly, constantly, constantly.

I think that by ignoring her, I was being manipulative a bit. I think I am manipulative in small, subtle ways. I always want to be the victim and I always play myself out to be so.

But, I did eventually want to reconnect. I just needed time to process my anger.

It feels like that feeling when they describe in books or movies where someone regrets not talking to their parents or being mad at them, and then something happens to them, like they get in an accident or something and then they die. It feels like that sort of regret.

Since then, I have been trying really hard to dispel my bitterness quicker. I still do feel the initial anger and bitterness. But instead of feeding it and constantly thinking about it, letting it build up, I try to rationalize what is happening. I try to think, “is this worth getting so upset over?”

It usually isn’t.

It has also caused me some sort of trouble though.

The other day, I got upset with my mom. After I had gotten upset, she left to go run some errands. I started thinking, “shit, what if something happens to her and I never get to tell her I was sorry?” I didn’t want that to happen to me ever again. I wanted to call her and tell her I was sorry. But then I thought, “what if she answers while she’s driving, gets distracted by me, and she crashes?” I thought, hmm maybe I should text her. The thought that followed was, “what if I text her, she tries to look at the text while she’s driving, and she still dies?”

I’ve just been having a lot of intrusive thinking lately.

The point of this post is that I have been trying to not be so bitter. I know that what happened to Molly isn’t my fault. I try really hard to remind myself that. But I do feel a lot of regret towards how our relationship as lovers and as friends ended.

I really don’t want that to ever happen again.

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i think of her every day.

I think of Molly every day. Sometimes it is just a passing thought. Sometimes it is a thought that I’ll focus on more. Right now, I am continuously thinking about her and wanting so badly to have her here. I’m trying so hard to replay all of our shared memories together. Sometimes it is hard to remember and it makes me so sad.

In general, it is easier to remember the bad things that have happened to you in life more than the good ones.

I am remembering more of the bad parts than the good parts.

But I do think of the good parts. Sometimes it’ll be as simple as a car ride, other times it’ll be an event we both went to. Other times, it was just the calmness of being able to lie next to each other at night, hearing the ins and outs of our breath.

I am so angry with myself for having cut her off. I know I did it for a good reason. But sometimes, I also tend to view myself as the victim in ever situation. Was this one of those times?

I’m angry with myself because other people got to be there for her when I wasn’t. Other people were able to talk to her the day before she died and I didn’t. And it is literally my fault. It is all my own doing. I did this to myself.

She was such a good person. She was, besides her addiction. She had the most beautiful heart. Everyone saw it too. I’m so sad that all of these things happened to her. She didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes I think that it is me that wore her down. Sometimes I think that I was too much. I am so fucked up. I feel like that got to her. She had such a beautiful heart that she always wanted to make sure I was ok.

And people don’t get that.

She was there for me so much. She was literally the only person I had as a support system my entire year at university. I had no friends (in fact, I had enemies), my parents didn’t talk to me because they found out I was gay. It was bad. It felt like nobody cared about me. Nobody but her. And so yes, I did rely on her a lot.

I tried so hard to be there for her too when her addiction started getting bad. I honestly feel like I was the one that was there for her the most. Not to invalidate everyone else. But I tried so fucking hard. I wore myself so thin to the point where my friends would be asking me if i was ok and that it was noticeable that i wasn’t doing well.

but i didn’t care. and i stayed with her. and i wish even now that she was still here. we loved each other so much. when we broke up, neither one of us cried. there was nothing left to say. it wasn’t that we were sick of each other, but all of the emotions that could have been experienced had already happened. for me, i had already spent so long begging her and pleading her to get better. it was making empty threats of “i can’t stay with you if you’re going to keep doing this.” it was crying every single day on the phone with her because i wanted her to get better. and when i finally broke up with her and nothing was felt, i knew that wasn’t her fault. i know that it hurt her too. but i know that she wasn’t capable of feeling anything. she didn’t care. the addiction took over and she didn’t care about anything. not even herself.

it makes me so sad to think that. even though we didn’t shed tears i told her, “i know that we are soulmates. i just know it. theres no way we’re not. we are perfect for each other and the only thing that is getting in the way is your addiction. please get better, we can be friends, and we can even be back together again.” i loved her so fucking much. i wanted so badly for things to be ok again. i wanted her in my life so badly. even when things turned sour, i checked her twitter and her tumblr every single day, multiple times a day. to see if she would be talking about me or just to see what she was doing in her life. I’m so fucking pathetic.

i miss them so much still. i miss all the different ways they told me and showed me that they loved me. i miss having her as a best friend. i miss being silly with her and literally just being myself around her. i had never been able to do that before. she was the first person that was ever truly “myself” with. i wish so badly that she was still here. i miss her so much. i know that it must get old that i keep making posts about her and that they all say that i miss her.

but i feel so guilty that iw aunt there. i feel so stupid. all i can say is that i miss her. i miss her i miss her i miss her. i miss everything about her.

Your memorial

I am feeling annoyed.That’s been a constant reoccurrence on this blog, hasn’t it?
The other day, Molly had a memorial in New York held by past friends. I got upset with one of them because they had said that it was ok to call Molly “Jamie.” She said to come to the memorial and call her Molly or Jamie, “whichever you prefer.” I don’t think it’s ok and I don’t think Molly would have thought it was ok either. That was her dead name, and she changed her name for a reason. The addiction she struggled with was fueled by the dysphoria that she experienced. There is no fucking way she would have been ok with being called her dead name. There just isn’t. It wouldn’t have mattered if it’s people that knew her before she became Molly. She wasn’t Jamie anymore. She was Molly. Everyone that was her close friend would agree. I know they would. Because they know that Molly didn’t want to be called Jamie anymore.
Anyway, I got upset with the person and they said I was being disrespectful and insensitive and that it’s not what Molly would have wanted. This particular person had literally posted that they hadn’t talked to Molly in three years. How would they even know what she would have liked?

In fact, how dare they even try to say that they know what Molly would have liked.
I’m grieving, still. And I’m sad, still. I’m slowly getting better. But I got upset a lot of times when people would misgender Molly or call her by the wrong name when we were together. 
Something I’m annoyed about now: Molly’s mom gave this person, who I know was one of Molly’s ex-girlfriends, items that were once Molly’s. And I suppose that doesn’t annoy me. It is nice to have things that were once a loved ones. What annoys me is that two of these items, that this girl is wearing, are items that I got for Molly. I got the bracelet she has from my trip to Mexico. I got the seahorse necklace from an obscure shop on Mississippi in Portland. 

And I am annoyed because these are both items that Molly frequently wore. Because they were her favorite, in addition to a mermaid necklace I had gotten her.
I am annoyed because this girl did not have the basic decency to respect who Molly was and didn’t even talk to her. She wants to make all these posts on her Facebook wall but if you can’t respect who she was, were you REALLY her friend? Did you REALLY care about her? And now that she’s gone, this girl is trying to make up for lost time? For what? What is the fucking point to act like you care so much and so deeply about her now?

This seems to be a common thing for people that knew Molly. All these people that would hurt Molly and were fucking assholes to her are coming out and saying “oh I miss you so much and blahblah.”

Why weren’t you there for her before? When she was alive? Why didn’t you treat her like a human being when she was still here?

But now you want to go and act like you guys were best friends?
I’m upset and it’s all coming out now. It’s been building up and I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point. I also feel like I’m in that stage of grieving where I’m just so angry at everything.

I’m just annoyed because Molly cried so much and was so sad and alone so often. She would text and message and call all of these people, even from rehab. No one ever answered. It made her sad. And it made her feel lonely and like she didn’t really have friends. I’m just really pissed off that these people are acting like they care about her when they really didn’t. It seems like they want other people to think they cared about her, just to seem like a good person or something.
It makes me angry to have someone say that they knew Molly better than I did. And they didn’t. I knew literally everything about her. The creepy things to the normal things. From what deodorant she used to what music she liked to listen to when she was sad. I knew this because I almost proposed to her. I knew this because I loved her deeply and she was my best friend.
I suppose that the items this girl has are just that –items. They don’t hold any significance to her other than the thought that maybe all the lost time between them can be made up by wearing these items, and possessing them. And I suppose I can recognize that the true meaning of these items are in my memory. And I suppose that I can recognize that throughout all of this stupid fucking bullshit, I know what Molly and I went through. And I know I don’t have to prove that to anyone at all. I know what she would have wanted. And I know that everyone who actually loved her knows that too.
But it’s still annoying. And I’m blocking the girl for my own sanity because I get #pissed every time I see her making an empathetic post on Molly’s Facebook wall. 

In addition, because I don’t want to make another annoying Molly rant post, I am angry because I am also angry at myself for not having been there for Molly near the end.

I know so deep down that I did it to protect myself. I know that I did it because I was destroying myself for Molly. I guess my own stupid reasoning is that if I had destroyed myself for just a little longer, maybe I wouldn’t be feeling such incredible guilt. And maybe Molly would still be here. Maybe if I had responded to her text that one time or not gotten upset with her that other time.

I am angry because I know that all of the anger I am feeling is misplaced. I am probably not actually angry with these people (lol jk). I am actually angry with myself. I am angry and because I can’t actually talk to Molly and tell her all these things, I want to take it out on anyone that slightly pisses me off. I actually am pissed off at that girl though because I think what she’s doing is fucked up but w/e. We’ll just say my anger is misplaced and my [literal] ol’ bipolar ass will go back and forth between those feelings.
If I’m being reasonable, I know that what she is doing is her own way of coping. I do know that. I do know that she also probably feels guilty for not talking to Molly. I also know that everyone else that was an asshole to her probably feels that way too. It is just easier for me to be angry at them than it is to be angry at myself.

I wish I was still in a relationship where both of us were growing, learning, happy. With Molly (Jami changed her name to Molly), so many things go through my mind. We have not been together for a while. When I told my therapist that I had broken up with Molly, she basically jumped with joy. Because she knew that I was really draining myself for Molly. But I still ache inside. 
The last time I saw Molly was on Valentine’s Day. I drove two hours to go see her. The entire time, she didn’t really seem like she wanted to be with me. She said that she was tired.. But I was tired too. I drive for so long to go see her. I tried cheering her up in some ways, or to get her to be more enthusiastic. I did her makeup and her. Still, it seemed like she didn’t care that I was there. Frustrated, I told her that I was just going to go since it seemed like she didn’t want me there. She said ok. I asked her if she was going to walk me to my car, and she just let out a huge groan. As if it is a chore to be with me. I left angrily. The next day, she walked a mile to go buy inhalants.

I had told her two days later that I would be cutting her out of my life. 

That I needed to focus on myself.

Well, that hasn’t been going as planned. I was pulled back in (I let myself be pulled back in) and fell back into the cycle of worrying about her 24/7.

So that’s where I’m at. Having a sliver of hope for the future, and wanting her to be ok. 

But she’s in jail right now because she abused inhalants in public. And no one even told me until I asked. 

Side note: I found out today that not even an hour had passed from when I told Molly I was cutting her off that she made a tinder and an okcupid. So while I was being a fucking stupid idiot, crying and mourning over a failed relationship, she didn’t even care and was looking for someone new. 
So many of Molly’s friends will probably read this and think, “Monica is such a bitch. Why is she leading Molly on.” But I’m really not. They have no idea what it means to love someone with an addiction. An addiction so deadly. It is constantly trying to comfort someone who is high, even though they’re calling you names and even though they’re texting other people, telling them what a bad person you are. It is trying to calm them down when they’re suddenly angry at you, convinced you’re trying to kill them. It is being pulled into the, “yes, I promise I will try to get better.” And trying to believe it. Because you know that at one time, they could keep that promise (though you damn well know they aren’t able to now). It’s always having a sliver of hope that they will get better, even though everything seems so hopeless.
You could think I’m a bitch for saying that Molly isn’t trying as hard as she could. You could say I’m a bitch for saying that she isn’t making an attempt.

But, sure, she says she wants to go to rehab again. But rehab is not a bubble to protect you from the world. You only go to rehab to learn crucial skills. There is a big difference between going to rehab and using the skills you have learned, and going to rehab and expecting everything to be ok and fixed automatically when you get out. Which do you think has been going on?
At one time, Molly and I were hopelessly in love. Growing and basking in each other’s light. Pushing each other to be better people.
But it isn’t like that anymore. And it hurts to admit it. It feels more like one person is bearing the weight of the other, trying to help them get better, even when they have no interest in doing so. 
It is no ones fault but mine for draining myself for Molly. I am not obligated to do so. But because I care about her so much and because we had been together for so long, it felt like I needed to. In my heart, it felt like there was still a chance at a viable, healthy relationship.
But here we are. Here.

Update 

Recap: Jami got out of rehab and went into a sober living center. That lasted about  week until she relapsed. She got a warning. Then, she relapsed again. She went back to rehab. And here we are. 

I have been going back and forth with what I should do with Jami.

I love her so very much.

But I worry about her a lot. And a lot of my time is spent worrying or thinking about her. My mental health suffers because of it. And my therapist is right, is it worth being in a relationship where you are clearly not putting yourself as a priority?

It is worth it to me.

In my mind, Jami had only been abusing badly when I first found out about the inhalants and when I took her to the hospital. I did not know that she had been abusing cough medicine for years prior to this and during this. So in my mind, I think, everything was normal before the inhalants happened.

But it wasn’t. And I think I mean, or relationship was normal before the inhalants happened. But Jami was not ok. 

I will think back to when we first met and first started dating and I’ll start to cry because I will think, God, everything was so good then.

But then I realize. Jami was probably abusing cough medicine then. So was everything ACTUALLY good? Or was I only seeing what I wanted to see?
I think to myself god damn, I could never let go of Jami. I would never in a million years let go of her.

But then I think, we should break up and maybe in time, we will meet again and be right for each other.

But then I think, I would feel so fucking devastated and angry if I ever saw her with anyone else, because deep in my heart I feel that we are still together and I know that I still love her.
So here we are, at the crossroads. Do I let her go, or do I stay?

I always need certainties because I am such an uncertain and indecisive person. But in a world filled with uncertainties, my heart is sure to implode. 
I go back and forth between what if Jami relapses again? But shouldn’t I support her? But Jami should try to be more independent. But shouldn’t I be sympathetic? But I can’t baby sit her all the time. But I love her?
But I love her.

But I love her.

But I love her.

11-month anniversary gush

It was our 11-month anniversary two days ago. I know I am sad very often because of what is going on with jamie.

But I want to take a moment to tell you guys of all of the cool things Jamie does for me.
Jamie is so so so supportive. She is the most supportive person I have ever met and not just towards me, I know that she is just as supportive towards her friends as well. Jamie makes me feel so secure and good. I am always apprehensive to even tell someone I’m depressed, let alone, that I have bipolar disorder. Jamie helps me work through my feelings and she never invalidates any of my feelings. But she will also let me know when she thinks that I’m wrong. I have the tendency to look into things too much and Jamie will tell me, hey, you know, I don’t actually think this is happening, why don’t you take a step back, calm down, and really look at the situation again? Jamie is so so good at being a good friend and girlfriend.
Jamie is also one of the funniest people I know. Just the other day, I was telling her how much I loved being silly with her. In other relationships, if I were to act the way I act with Jamie, my ex’s would have been really weirded out. But Jamie and I are genuinely, like, friends. We aren’t just girlfriends and we aren’t just partners. We are friends. And thats what makes our relationship so good, I think. Because even if I say something really weird or gross, she goes along with it.
I’ll say something like, “i’m pooping, let me poop in your mouth,” and she’ll respond “ok do it i’m ready.”
and I just laugh so so hard. Jamie makes me so happy like that.
Jamie is also the kindest, sweetest girl in the world. She will write me poems and learn songs on the guitar to play for me. She’ll buy me little things that she will think I will like if she’s out getting groceries or something (I got a Hello Kitty from her most recently!!). Sometimes, she even looks up little phrases on google translate just to make me smile. She calls me her “sol y su luna.” Soy su estrellita de suerte. Jamie is so sweet and so selfless. She is so considerate in so many ways.
I’m crying as I’m writing this but I’m also laughing because I’m thinking of how food this relationship is in comparison to all the other ones I’ve had. This is golden. This is heaven.
Jamie and I also have the same morals and that is something that is very important to me. We have our feminism be intersectional and we will talk about such issues very often. We will give each other feedback and what we disagree on and what we agree on and I think that is really one of the things that helps us both grow.
Honestly, I am so deeply, deeply, in love with Jamie. I never thought I would be in this deep. But she has so many traits about her that I just can’t help but to absolutely adore her.
When you get married, they say “for better or for worse.”
Jamie is at her worst, but is trying to get better and I will always stick by her side.
We are not married yet, but the commitment is there. For better or for worse.

anger and resentment.

I wonder, when all is said and done and Jamie is back home from rehab, if we will truly love each other the same?I am feeling an incredible amount of anger towards Jamie today.

So much so, that the weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier. 
How many times did they lie to me? How long had it truly been going on before I had realized it? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they trust me? Did I enable them? 
I can feel my heart aching so much so, that I grit my teeth together just to stop myself from screaming.
We will not spend summer together. We will not spend her birthday together. We will not spend our one year anniversary together. 
When will they come home? How much longer will I have to spend before they are well enough to come home? And even then, will they ever really be well? 
I feel so angry and resentful. Will I ever be able to forgive? Will I ever be able to forget? Will I ever be able to let go of these feelings? 
I get overjoyed whenever they call me and it seems that all of my worries drift away. But I can’t bring myself to write them a letter or send them packages. I feel bitter when they tell me of what a good time they’re having and how many friends they’re making. I think, “why are you having such a good time when I’m here crying every night, thinking of how fucked everything is?”
This is the first time I’ve felt even a tiny bit angry towards Jamie and it feels like it has been subconsciously building up, and building up, and building up. Constantly asking myself, “why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Everything happens for a reason

I think back to a month ago when I was feeling suicidal and like my life was crashing down. And I think, damn. I was so wrong. I was so so wrong.Everyone always says –or at least in the movies they do –that things have to get worse before they get better. 
I feel so content and good right now. I feel like how I think normal feels. And it’s such an overwhelming experience, it makes me cry because I have literally never felt this way.

If I wasn’t incredibly sad, I was incredibly angry, and if I wasn’t incredibly angry, I was incredibly happy. I was never experiencing emotions like I should have been.

And if I felt “normal” and “ok” it would only be for a split second. Because I would quickly get insecure and think that the world was out to get me.
I think back and I think. Geez. How did I ever make it through that? How did I ever have the energy to get up each day knowing that it was a constant battle against myself?
And if I’m being honest with myself, this break from Jamie has been good. I have codependent tendencies and I will worry about others more than I worry about myself. With Jamie’s addiction, it was really causing a heavy toll on myself. I was honestly just fucking myself up. And it makes me cry thinking about it, but if Jamie wasn’t going to get help I was going to have to let go. Because it was fucking me up so much.

I feel so incredibly blessed that Jamie decided to go get help. Even though I cry out of sadness from missing them every day, I know that it is for the best. And it really is. Jamie is also having a good time at rehab. And I’m glad that we will be able to build our future together.
Jamie is one of the only people I REALLY care about –one of the few people that I will really give it my all and drain myself just to see that they are ok. With this break, I have no other issues going on in my life currently that drain my energy. I have been able to focus on myself and the betterment of myself. I’m also learning to not be so codependent. I have really been learning how to take better care of myself.
And with school and how I had dropped out, I am signed up for fall classes. I am taking the courses I had dropped out of in the spring. But it doesn’t feel like other times. I honestly don’t feel burnt out like I used to and I don’t feel like my life is an endless routine. I am excited to do things and I am motivated. And that is such a good feeling because I had really been feeling burnt out since last year when I had graduated from community college. I did all that I could to receive two associates degrees. I took classes nonstop, even in the summer. And it just wore me down.

And then my accident happened and I would have panic attacks driving to school and even in my dreams.
It just feels so good to be able to go to my therapist and say, “hey, I’m feeling ok. I really, truly am.”
Everything always happens for a reason, I always say. Or at least in the movies they do.

Rehab and Mexico

Jamie arrived at rehab eight days ago. I went to Mexico nine days ago and arrived home two days ago.

It was easier to stand to not talk to her when I was in Mexico.
I think, that so much of my depression and so much of depression itself is being left alone with your thoughts.
When I was in Mexico, I was constantly doing things. There wasn’t a moment where I was left alone. I was constantly doing things with my family —snorkeling, zip lining, laying by the beach. Sure, there would be moment where I would think, “damn, I miss Jamie a lot.” but it wasn’t to the point where I would cry. I didn’t feel the depression at all when I was in Mexico. and it wasn’t like the times where I’m cycling and I’m feeling good because I’m on a high rather than a low. I felt normal. I felt like how someone is supposed to feel.
But now I’m at home, with nothing to do and I am alone. I am alone and everything reminds me of Jamie and it is hard to not cry and break down several times a day. The sadness is overwhelming.
and I think, “shut the fuck up, Monica. This is what you wanted. You wanted Jamie to get better. Now shut the fuck up and deal with it.”
and I know that Jamie isn’t just off doing something “bad” and I know that we are still very much together. I know that Jamie is gone because they have an addiction and they are trying to get better. But I just feel so alone. I wish I could even talk to them. But yesterday was our anniversary and we haven’t talked in eight days.
I make myself sick with worry.
I feel very selfish. I am very selfish. But I always have been. But wouldn’t anyone else feel the same?
I ask myself, “how much more can you take?”