On being in a new relationship

SO I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here, but I got in a new relationship. I did this a month before Molly died. I think I unconsciously did it out of spite.

The person and I have been seeing each other since March, first casually and then romantically. I do love them, and they say that they love me. They said it first, actually. But I don’t know if I’m ready.. And honestly I don’t know if I’m saying it back out of habit.

I like telling people I love them. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like they know I care about them. And I care about this person a lot. But I feel like…because I never really got over Molly, I compare them a lot. And Molly always wins. This person has issued with codependency and I do too so it’s not like I can be so critical. But it just gets to be too much sometimes honestly.

I guess.. It’s not so much that THEY are too much. I’m just kind of emotionally unavailable right now. I think about Molly ALL the time. So much. And I miss her so, so much. I cry nearly every day about her. And I’m SO busy right now. I’m trying to apply to a professional program and I’m so busy trying to get my grades up.

I know that I should be socializing but it also feels like being in a relationship really deters me and holds me back for some things. It’s different when you see someone casually. Sure, you can message each other often, but there isn’t or shouldn’t be expected anything in the end. IMO.

I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship. I didn’t think about how busy I would be. I didn’t know that Molly would die.

But relationships are a lot of work. It isn’t jus them that can be too much. It’s me too. And it is so emotionally draining. They’ll get upset because I can’t hang out as often as they want. I’ll get upset because they suck ass at talking via text messages.

I HAVE thought about breaking up with them. But I feel so bad. They really like me and I wish I could like them as much as they like me. But I can’t right now. 

I don’t want to hurt their feelings because they say this is the first “healthy” relationship they’ve been in. We are FB official so I also feel like it’d be fucked up and embarrassing on my part too to change it to single after only a few months. Idk!! I’m struggling and I wish there was an easy answer. 

I know they wouldn’t want to stay friends afterwards and that sucks too. 

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m making poor, impulsive choices and it is fucking everything up. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m overwhelmed or if it’s really how I feel. 


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