Tag Archives: queer

On being in a relationship and being in a depressed stage

I have bipolar disorder and am currently in a depressed stage. Depression for me means not wanting to do anything all day. I just want to sleep and stay in bed –and I will. I will not take care of myself in even the most basic ways such as; eating, showering, daily chores, etc. Getting up and out of bed is the biggest struggle. And that’s just the physical things.. that’s not including all the shit going on in my mind.

I am also in a relationship. The person I am dating is nice, and funny. They’re really kind towards me. Though, we haven’t really been dating for too long. We’ve been dating since the end of May.

We are currently struggling in our relationship BECAUSE I am in a depressed stage. It has gotten to the point where they get upset with me and ask me if I really want to be in a relationship with them.

I’m upset because the relationship was good before this. We were both supportive of each other and whatnot. But now that things have shifted, our relationship has also shifted. I can understand that it could be alarming to be in a relationship with someone who is currently in a depressed stage. I could understand how being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder could be something to be uneasy about. After all, one gets into a monogamous relationship hoping for some stability, right?

But they knew about my disorder since the very beginning. I never lied and I never hid anything. It also isn’t like I’m not actively seeking help. I go to my therapist, I go to my psychiatrist, I take my medication regularly. It has just been really, really hard for me lately.

The issue is this: the first two weeks of August, I was in complete crunch mode trying to get everything done for my courses. So of course, I would spend hours upon hours a day trying to study and get things done. I would tell the person that I was dating that I couldn’t talk as often during that time because I NEEDED to get good grades. After the term was done and I found out I had gotten a B in one of the courses, I fell into a deep depression. A depression I am still in. And they’ve been upset and frustrated with me because I am not as attentive as I was before and I am not as energetic as I was before. They ask me to send them packages or letters and I did once, but not again. And they feel that I am neglecting them. And I am, but I’m also neglecting myself so..?

 

I guess I just feel like I’ve been put in a very unfair position. They are a huge advocate towards ending the stigma towards mental health and this just feel hypocritical. They’re someone that has even been in intake for what they describe as “a psychotic episode” they had. I’m just thinking, how can they not understand me at all? It feels like they don’t. I think that it is unfair and selfish to get upset with someone for not putting enough energy into something when they can barely put enough energy into themselves, though they are trying their very best. It just feels like they have absolutely no patience and it is getting to be a bit much for me. I am asking myself, can I handle a relationship right now? And I feel like I could. I was. But I fell into this depression so suddenly and because it’s a phase, I know it will be over. I just don’t know when.

A couple years back, someone broke up with me because I was also in a depressed phase. I didn’t want to go out often and it was hard for me to get excited about things. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness and even said that ti was impossible for me to feel so sick all the time. They said I was making it up. They said they couldn’t deal with it. But they didn’t know anything about mental illness, though I tried to explain it several times.
They literally broke up with me for my mental illness. And I can blame that on their ignorance. But with this person? God, I don’t even know. This feels so similar. It doesn’t feel good.

 

Is this just me? Is my fucked up, bipolar mind skewing things into how I want to see them? I don’t feel like they should “put up” with me. I guess I just need patience and understanding and I am not seeing that.

thinking out loud

cat-sleeping-after-study

Now that I have pulled myself together and feel motivated towards school again, I know that I will need to make changes.

This includes studying every single day. A few hours at the very least. It NEEDS to happen as I NEED to get A’s.

I need to figure out how to be more approachable… I feel like I have chronic bitch face and it definitely doesn’t help in making friends 😦 I have people tell me that I look intimidating because I look so serious. On the first day of classes, I try to not look so serious and smile a little bit at the people coming in. But I feel like such a dumbass and that doesn’t even work lol.

I do have a serious personality just because I am pretty shy.. I’m not shy once I open up but I am initially shy. I don’t know how to combat this!

That is a BIG issue that I need to fix because if I apply to the program I want to, obviously they want someone that has a lot of confidence and that stands out. I feel that I probably don’t currently stand out.

I also need to be more approachable because I need to try to get these two professors for the classes I’m going to take to give me letters of recommendation. The other professors like I didn’t try to make good impressions on them so I know I was forgettable and there is no reason why they would recommend me. I read online that I just need to come into their office for study hours often and make an effort to know my shit and participate in class.

Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to being more approachable though?

No one wants a dentist that doesn’t initially seem friendly and approachable…

Anyway those are my things that I’ve been thinking about. I know that I got the grades I got because of bad choices I made. Yes, I went through a lot. But I did not try my hardest. I did the bare minimum. This cannot keep being my pattern and I need to change this if I am to be in a professional program.

I’ve been watching videos on how to manage your time and how to study better… I will try to incorporate these into my life.

So, yeah! Wish me luck! and please give me any tips or suggestions that you may have!

Therapy

Today, I had a therapy appointment.

I like my therapist, I do. But there are vast differences between us. Not that that’s bad, but it shows in our sessions.

Our cultural differences, for example. She always seems surprised at how I can keep my romantic relationships separate from my family. Like, almost a secret. I have to do this because although my parents know I am not straight, they want to be in denial and think that what I am doing is just a phase, and that I am doing it to “get back at them for something.” And so, I make the conscious decision to not talk to them about anything in regards to my romantic relationships. My therapist thinks that this is weird and that it is weird how I don’t feel resentful or bitter towards them because of it. She finds it weird that I can still have a good relationship with my parents while they also don’t accept me. I suppose that it can be weird. But I find a way to deal with it, because I know that much of my parents’ disapproval comes from how they were raised in Mexico.

Another thing that can be different is on the privileges she has that I do not. During a session I had a long time ago with her, I told her that I felt like I had a huge disadvantage in reaching my career goals based on the fact that I am a xicana woman. I had gone to a dental seminar and in the seminar, they had statistics on racial and gender makeup in the dentistry career. There are less woman dentists than there are men. And there are even less “hispanic” dentists than any other racial makeup. It makes me feel very discouraged because I am aware that it is due to institutionalized racism.

I explained this to my therapist and she said that she thinks that it would actually be an advantage, considering I am bilingual and that it should make me want to go towards my goal even more. I appreciate her optimism, I do. But that is just not the way things work unfortunately. Especially not in a place like Oregon. It seems progressive here, but that’s far from the truth. This can be seen more prominently if you’re a person of color.

I’m sorry, but that is the reality of it all.

I would like to have a therapist that doesn’t always need an explanation. But you can’t always have what you want, right?

 

Anyways, this post was prompted by the fact that I had told my therapist today that I had been dating someone “officially” since May. She asked how/why it hadn’t come up before and I said I guess I had other things on my mind. Truth be told, I just didn’t feel like explaining things again, which is what happened today.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t need therapy. I feel like I am a very insightful person, as I have also been told by every single therapist I’ve been to. I do know right from wrong and I do know when I am in the wrong. The reason I continue to go to therapy is because I like being validated. I like having someone tell me that my feelings are real and that they are valid and that I am not just crazy. It doesn’t matter if I’m paying them to listen to me and to validate my feelings. I just like knowing that I am not crazy.

Update 

Recap: Jami got out of rehab and went into a sober living center. That lasted about  week until she relapsed. She got a warning. Then, she relapsed again. She went back to rehab. And here we are. 

I have been going back and forth with what I should do with Jami.

I love her so very much.

But I worry about her a lot. And a lot of my time is spent worrying or thinking about her. My mental health suffers because of it. And my therapist is right, is it worth being in a relationship where you are clearly not putting yourself as a priority?

It is worth it to me.

In my mind, Jami had only been abusing badly when I first found out about the inhalants and when I took her to the hospital. I did not know that she had been abusing cough medicine for years prior to this and during this. So in my mind, I think, everything was normal before the inhalants happened.

But it wasn’t. And I think I mean, or relationship was normal before the inhalants happened. But Jami was not ok. 

I will think back to when we first met and first started dating and I’ll start to cry because I will think, God, everything was so good then.

But then I realize. Jami was probably abusing cough medicine then. So was everything ACTUALLY good? Or was I only seeing what I wanted to see?
I think to myself god damn, I could never let go of Jami. I would never in a million years let go of her.

But then I think, we should break up and maybe in time, we will meet again and be right for each other.

But then I think, I would feel so fucking devastated and angry if I ever saw her with anyone else, because deep in my heart I feel that we are still together and I know that I still love her.
So here we are, at the crossroads. Do I let her go, or do I stay?

I always need certainties because I am such an uncertain and indecisive person. But in a world filled with uncertainties, my heart is sure to implode. 
I go back and forth between what if Jami relapses again? But shouldn’t I support her? But Jami should try to be more independent. But shouldn’t I be sympathetic? But I can’t baby sit her all the time. But I love her?
But I love her.

But I love her.

But I love her.

11-month anniversary gush

It was our 11-month anniversary two days ago. I know I am sad very often because of what is going on with jamie.

But I want to take a moment to tell you guys of all of the cool things Jamie does for me.
Jamie is so so so supportive. She is the most supportive person I have ever met and not just towards me, I know that she is just as supportive towards her friends as well. Jamie makes me feel so secure and good. I am always apprehensive to even tell someone I’m depressed, let alone, that I have bipolar disorder. Jamie helps me work through my feelings and she never invalidates any of my feelings. But she will also let me know when she thinks that I’m wrong. I have the tendency to look into things too much and Jamie will tell me, hey, you know, I don’t actually think this is happening, why don’t you take a step back, calm down, and really look at the situation again? Jamie is so so good at being a good friend and girlfriend.
Jamie is also one of the funniest people I know. Just the other day, I was telling her how much I loved being silly with her. In other relationships, if I were to act the way I act with Jamie, my ex’s would have been really weirded out. But Jamie and I are genuinely, like, friends. We aren’t just girlfriends and we aren’t just partners. We are friends. And thats what makes our relationship so good, I think. Because even if I say something really weird or gross, she goes along with it.
I’ll say something like, “i’m pooping, let me poop in your mouth,” and she’ll respond “ok do it i’m ready.”
and I just laugh so so hard. Jamie makes me so happy like that.
Jamie is also the kindest, sweetest girl in the world. She will write me poems and learn songs on the guitar to play for me. She’ll buy me little things that she will think I will like if she’s out getting groceries or something (I got a Hello Kitty from her most recently!!). Sometimes, she even looks up little phrases on google translate just to make me smile. She calls me her “sol y su luna.” Soy su estrellita de suerte. Jamie is so sweet and so selfless. She is so considerate in so many ways.
I’m crying as I’m writing this but I’m also laughing because I’m thinking of how food this relationship is in comparison to all the other ones I’ve had. This is golden. This is heaven.
Jamie and I also have the same morals and that is something that is very important to me. We have our feminism be intersectional and we will talk about such issues very often. We will give each other feedback and what we disagree on and what we agree on and I think that is really one of the things that helps us both grow.
Honestly, I am so deeply, deeply, in love with Jamie. I never thought I would be in this deep. But she has so many traits about her that I just can’t help but to absolutely adore her.
When you get married, they say “for better or for worse.”
Jamie is at her worst, but is trying to get better and I will always stick by her side.
We are not married yet, but the commitment is there. For better or for worse.

anger and resentment.

I wonder, when all is said and done and Jamie is back home from rehab, if we will truly love each other the same?I am feeling an incredible amount of anger towards Jamie today.

So much so, that the weight on my chest grows heavier and heavier. 
How many times did they lie to me? How long had it truly been going on before I had realized it? Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they trust me? Did I enable them? 
I can feel my heart aching so much so, that I grit my teeth together just to stop myself from screaming.
We will not spend summer together. We will not spend her birthday together. We will not spend our one year anniversary together. 
When will they come home? How much longer will I have to spend before they are well enough to come home? And even then, will they ever really be well? 
I feel so angry and resentful. Will I ever be able to forgive? Will I ever be able to forget? Will I ever be able to let go of these feelings? 
I get overjoyed whenever they call me and it seems that all of my worries drift away. But I can’t bring myself to write them a letter or send them packages. I feel bitter when they tell me of what a good time they’re having and how many friends they’re making. I think, “why are you having such a good time when I’m here crying every night, thinking of how fucked everything is?”
This is the first time I’ve felt even a tiny bit angry towards Jamie and it feels like it has been subconsciously building up, and building up, and building up. Constantly asking myself, “why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Rehab and Mexico

Jamie arrived at rehab eight days ago. I went to Mexico nine days ago and arrived home two days ago.

It was easier to stand to not talk to her when I was in Mexico.
I think, that so much of my depression and so much of depression itself is being left alone with your thoughts.
When I was in Mexico, I was constantly doing things. There wasn’t a moment where I was left alone. I was constantly doing things with my family —snorkeling, zip lining, laying by the beach. Sure, there would be moment where I would think, “damn, I miss Jamie a lot.” but it wasn’t to the point where I would cry. I didn’t feel the depression at all when I was in Mexico. and it wasn’t like the times where I’m cycling and I’m feeling good because I’m on a high rather than a low. I felt normal. I felt like how someone is supposed to feel.
But now I’m at home, with nothing to do and I am alone. I am alone and everything reminds me of Jamie and it is hard to not cry and break down several times a day. The sadness is overwhelming.
and I think, “shut the fuck up, Monica. This is what you wanted. You wanted Jamie to get better. Now shut the fuck up and deal with it.”
and I know that Jamie isn’t just off doing something “bad” and I know that we are still very much together. I know that Jamie is gone because they have an addiction and they are trying to get better. But I just feel so alone. I wish I could even talk to them. But yesterday was our anniversary and we haven’t talked in eight days.
I make myself sick with worry.
I feel very selfish. I am very selfish. But I always have been. But wouldn’t anyone else feel the same?
I ask myself, “how much more can you take?”

Dad.

My parents might be getting divorced.My dad has anger issues.

He refuses to go to marriage counseling,
In a way, I guess I understand because in Mexico, mental health is something that is disregarded.

I just wish he wouldn’t see it as something unnecessary. Because he is breaking our family apart.
In many ways, my parents are getting divorced because of the fights that they have that have to do with me. Whether it is my mental health, my schooling, my relationships, how I present myself, etc.

My mom is always the one defending me.
Three weeks ago, my dad got angry at me because I refused to break up with my girlfriend. He was tolerant before but my girlfriend came out as a trans woman, my dad saw the Facebook post, and demanded that I break up with her.

I said no.

He didn’t talk to me for weeks.

Just last week, he gradually began talking to me again and supporting me financially. We were still not really on good terms but we were on “decent” terms, I guess. We didn’t talk much but I would show him something cool and he’d laugh. Or he’d give me money for gas. We would travel in the same vehicle. Things like that. 
Two days ago, he got unreasonably angry with all of my family. It started off because my family goes on vacation each year. We are supposed to go on vacation in two weeks but haven’t decided where. We usually go to Mexico every other year and so we were due. But we don’t have the funds for it so we decided to go other places.

My mom was talking to him about vacations and how next year, we should try to go to Mexico. My dad got defensive and said no. Then, when he finally agreed, my mom said that we would have to go when it is her break from school. My dad said back, “well I’ll just go by myself then.”
That isn’t the way we do things in our family. We always do things together. So of course my mom got angry. And then my dad got angry because he took it as my mom trying to control him. But he was being unfair.
We were on our way shopping so then, he went to a store while we all stayed in the car. He accidentally broke my moms glasses by putting his arm on them.

He said, “WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE THEM THERE? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”

I said, “dad, the right thing to do is to say sorry. These things can be fixed but you need to say sorry.”

He didn’t respond.
He was bitter the entire time else when we were all shopping. He would walk either faster or slower than the rest of us so he wouldn’t be associated with us.
Finally, towards the end of our trip shopping, we went to the grocery store. My mom bought us all ICEE’s because it was a hot day. My mom had been trying to be nice to my dad all day just so our shopping trip wouldn’t be ruined. 

So she got an ICEE for my dad too.
I was walking to the car, four ICEE’s in my arms. My dad was sulking in the drivers seat. I managed to open the passenger seat and I said, here dad we got you one.

He said, I don’t want it.

I asked, ok but can you at least grab it, they’re falling out of my arms

He responded with I SAID I DONT WANT IT, WHAT PART OF THAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND.
So I reached over, and put the two ICEE’s in each drink container. And he said WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

I responded with, “who said it was for you!!”

We then all got into the car, and just before he started up the car against he suddenly turned back to me, pointed his finger at me and yelled, “if you ever respond to me like that I will hit you.”
I cried and bawled and said through sobs “I only wanted you to hold it [the icee].”

My brother and mom started telling him that was not ok.

My mom said, “if you even lay a finger on her, you’ll see what happens.”

My dad responded, “oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?”

She responded with, “I will call the police.”
Silence the ride back home.
When my dad told me three weeks ago that I meant nothing to him, I guess he was right, and those words are still ringing in my ears.
But I can’t help but wonder, why is he being like this? Everything was fine before I left for college last September. It just seems so sudden. I mean, my parents and I got in fights but it never lasted weeks like it has been recently. They were usually over within a week. 
It saddens me. Because I know my parents are going to get divorced. But since my dad and I aren’t on good terms, when would I ever visit him?

So many questions racing through my mind. So many feelings that my heart can’t stand.