Things have been scary the past couple days. I had to delete my dating profile because I suddenly got several racist, threatening messages. Ever since the election.
I had been talking to the boy I have been seeing about this and the fear I was experiencing. I told him that if Hillary had won, I felt that the people that were racist would revolt and would harm people on purpose. But I also feel like if trump won, that the racist people would harm people anyway because it seems ok and there seems to be no serious repercussions, given Trump’s history.
And yes, I do think Trump is a misogynistic, homophobic, racist excuse for a human being. I don’t care if you disagree with me because you’re wrong lol.
I said that I was scared of the outcome regardless because there would be hateful mobs either way.
Anyways, he said that he disagreed and didn’t think this would happen. And I honestly felt like he was discrediting my experiences as a brown girl. I am mostly scared of facing threats because of the color of my skin. And I was not wrong to have fear because I’ve already gotten threats lol. But anyways. I got really upset and just said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, for my own sake. He said that he doesn’t mind arguing as long as it’s respectful.
Today, I linked him to a huge article giving so many instances in which hate crimes have been committed in the ONE day that trump has had his presidency announced. He took me literally I guess when I said “hate mob,” and kept arguing that there are no hate mobs. I think that’s fucking stupid and there is no reason to have taken my statement literally when you know damn well what I meant.
And BASICALLY he went off. He was like, “I don’t see anything about hate mobs and blahblah, you’re treating me as if I’m defending them and as if I voted for trump when I didn’t blahblah” and THEN he was like “spend more energy towards those that are actually doing bad things and stop bugging me. I’m going back to work.”
How is that arguing respectfully?
And I was like ??? Ok.. bitch.
I was literally like “lol ok bye.”
He apologized and said he didn’t mean it that way. But he did. I know he did. I never responded.
I don’t feel that even if he apologized, that I will ever really be able to be friends with him again. Not REALLY. And maybe that seems like an exaggeration. But a big part of my bipolar is always thinking that people don’t like me. It is having so so much anxiety towards such social situations that I have literally been diagnosed with OCD in regards to social situations.
To have someone literally tell me that I am annoying them… no. I really cannot handle that. I feel so hurt. I feel really, really hurt. I can’t talk to him anymore because I will ALWAYS keep what he said in the back of my mind. I will ALWAYS wonder, “I wonder if I’m bugging him right now?”
I’m so pissed and I’m so sad. Mostly, this is bringing on a lot of negative thinking. I feel really fucking stupid and now I keep thinking, “how many times had I bugged him in the past? Was this the breaking point?”
I am feeling really insecure and am really, really trying to not think harmful thoughts.
I feel very unstable right now.