my feelings this week

My feelings this week.

I have made a new friends and she’s really great. One of my better friends.
She is also bipolar and we talk all the time and talk to each other about our trash ass decisions, and help each other and validate each others’ trash ass decisions. It’s great.

I am staying the night at her house this weekend. I am stoked because I just need to get distracted. I don’t want to be home and I don’t want to fuck around with men just for the sake of not being home.

I am glad I have her as a friend. She has been there for me when no one else was


Onto the topic of boys (ew, boys). I have still been fucking around with the white boy. The way I see it, is that I currently don’t really care about him or whats going on between us. I like him a lot and care about him. But thinking long run, it would never work out. I wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t like talking every day and knowing how fucking clingy I am, that’s definitely not going to work out. Also, theres been instances where we get into a weird argument and he always wants to be right. That annoys me. It annoys me when someone doesn’t take other points of view into consideration. And that is what he does.

I have been going on dates with another guy. We can call him weird dude because quite frankly, he is a weird dude. He is really sweet, so incredibly nice, and he pays for my things every time we go out. I don’t expect him to because I’m a ~*feminist*~ but it sure feels nice.
However, I don’t think that I share the same feelings that he does. I kissed him a few weeks back and it was weird. That same night, he asked me if that meant that we were mutually exclusive. It freaked me out because that happened so quickly. I told him that I needed more time to hang out with him because I don’t know much about him.

and fair enough for that, right?

But I don’t think we would work out anyways. He is also not a consistent texted and even when he sees that I’m posting something sad on snapchat, he never asks me whats going on or even if I’m ok or even says that he hopes I’m ok. nope. none of that. and i don’t like that either. if you see that I’m having a hard time and you are wanting to be my significant other, then you better fucking care about me and fucking care about my wellbeing. isn’t that fair? to want your partner to care about how you’re doing? I think it is.

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Because of all of this, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts come up. A LOT. It’s been bad. I want to cut myself so badly. I want to take all the pills I have. I just got refills. I know I could do it. But I also know that I won’t. What am I afraid ok? I’m afraid that I’m thinking that heaven is some great thing where all loved ones are reunited. and i’m afraid that once I die, it won’t be like that at all. I will be nothing. absolutely nothing. and that is what I am afraid of.

This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I am so fucking stressed out. I am so tied of being such a disappointment to my parents. I am tired of them just being like “well, ok. you’re going to do whatever you want anyways.” instead of pushing me. They’re tired too. They’re tired of the broken promises and the hope they have to keep getting crushed. I am stupid. I keep feeling like such a fucking failure. I am only 21. But I should have gotten my shit together by now.

I am so fucking sad because I fucking miss my dead ex-girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I know that in this time, she would be telling me that she is so proud of me and that I am trying my best. I miss that she was the only person that was always rooting for me. She always wanted me to do well and she always knew that I would eventually reach my dreams and achieve my goals. It’s been hitting me so hard lately –the fact that she’s gone and will never come back. She was the only person that actually cared about me. She didn’t judge me. In a way, she loved me unconditionally. I miss her so so so fucking much. None of you have any idea. I am hurting so fucking bad.

 

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This was a message I had sent to her after a long day at work. I had recently become store manager and just got piled on a bunch of duties and I had to train myself.She always congratulated me for the little things…like getting out of bed, doing my nails, showing, eating. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. There is no one in my life that just says “you got out of bed today! yay!! I am so proud of you baby girl”

no.
one.

and I miss having that sincere, beautiful love in my life. I miss her so much. I feel so fucking heartbroken. and no one cares.

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