My brother is so cool and confident. I wish I was more like him. I think that he resembles my mom personality more, while I have more of my dad’s personality. But my dad’s personality is stereotypical Mexican dad personality. Mexican culture upholds machismo and as a result, Mexican men tend to be very closed off. And that’s what my dad is like. I don’t know why I’m more like him personality-wise, as I was born here and have never been super close with my dad. But I am.
My brother is in choir, tennis, swimming, and debate club. He has straight A’s. He goes after what he wants and I am so envious. I was never like that, and I was always so shy and embarrassed to do anything. He’s 15. We moved to a different part of the city last year and while he was super sad to have left all his friends behind, he made friends at the new school soooo quickly. Within a week, he literally had people hugging him goodbye after school and like idk. I was like that at one point, and had a large portion of the school be my friend. But that was before I entered 7th grade, and then I just completely shut myself off. That was when my depression started and I started getting really irritated at everything. As a result, I wasn’t as friendly as I once was. I am envious of how popular he is.
I just wish that I had grown up to be more like him. I feel like he’s normal. Sure, he gets depressed sometimes. But it isn’t to the point where he lets it restrict any aspect of his life. By the time I was his age, I had already attempted to commit suicide three times. I just wish that life hadn’t turned out the way it did for me, and it feels a little unfair. Then again, mental illness is always a bit unfair.
I was always a bit of a hypochondriac when I was younger. I was always looking for some sort of disease or illness, thinking that I could have it, wanting to be sick. In part because I wanted attention, I guess. But I don’t want to be sick anymore. Not the way I am. I just want to be well.