Update!! 

I got a new job. I had gotten a job two months ago and it isn’t TOO bad (though I did cry in the bathroom today like a loser). 

For the new job, I didn’t seek it. I wasn’t looking for a new job. But rather, they sought me. Someone recommended me and they really wanted me I guess. They offered to pay me $4.25 more per hour than what I earn right now. Considering I’m in student loan hell, I obviously took it. Also, it is a more laid back job. I will be working an office job at a funeral home. 

I think that working at this type of place will be good for me. I have been struggling over the loss of my ex-girlfriend and it has not gotten easier. I cry all the time and now I’ve even started crying in public places, when I see things that remind me of her. 

I think that I will learn to be more sympathetic and empathetic, as I had numbed myself out to those feelings the past year. I will also *need* to learn skills on how to handle grief and loss. I will be able to apply these skills to my own personal life. I’m excited to get paid so much more but I’m also excited about the lessons that will come out of this. I saw my psychiatrist today and told him of this and said that he thought the way I am going about this is profound. And also would be good, as I will be making slideshows and it will show the deceased at their best. It was a nice way to look at it.

I finally feel like I will be taken seriously. I am always being undermined, despite me always being the most qualified at any of the jobs I’ve been at. 

Like I have been noticing with the job I’m at now, I have the most duties out of anyone else. Why? Because I’m so good at so many things. They have me do all the typing, because I am the one that types the fastest. I am bilingual, so I need to translate all the time, which I don’t mind. I recently became a notary, so I’m always pushed to do those since they’re not fun to do. I also have to do them in Spanish and it is more difficult, as Spanish is my second language. 

I do most of the cleaning. I multi task the most. Today, I was multi tasking so fucking much. My boss had he audacity to shove a huge, lengthy project on me. All the while, my other two workers took on easier “projects” AKA cutting paper. And still, I had to do my own project while ALSO attending to all the customers. Their excuse was that they were busy with their project. Like no fucking shit, I am too. So annoying. 

I went to the bathroom later in the day and just fucking broke down like a loser. I feel like I am being walked all over and being taken advantage of. I don’t want to say anything, as I only have a week left here. But it is certainly frustrating. Even so, I know that things would stay the same even if I hadn’t left. This would still be happening and I would still not feel comfortable speaking up.

I have trouble standing up for myself. 

I cried in the bathroom because I hate those feelings. They are feelings that I feel frequently. I feel like I let people walk all over me all the time. It makes me feel like shit. And so this situation reminds me very much of my own personal instances.

Am I being stupid? It should be flattering that I’m being put to do so many things because I’m good at them. But it isn’t fair and it’s stressing me out. 

Anyways. I’m so fucking excited that I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. I clearly didn’t say I found a way better job, but rather, I gave a dumb excuse so as to not burn bridges. So yeah! That’s what’s going on with me right now. I’m definitely very emotional

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